argument第一次作业（Aero小组）

lvmo36933UID: 2321783

Argument 153 The following is from an editorial in the Midvale Observer, a local newspaper.
"Ever since the 1950's, when television sets began to appear in theaverage home, the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in the country of Altahas steadily increased. This increase in teenage crime parallels the increasein violence shown on television. According to several national studies, even very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch violent shows. Furthermore, in a survey conducted by the Observer, over 90 percent of the respondents were parents who indicated that prime-time television—programs that are shown between 7 p.m. and 9p.m.—should show less violence. Therefore, in order to lower the rate ofteenage crime in Alta, television viewers should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time."

    The editorial concludes that the reason of the steady increase teenagers' crime in the country of Altahas is the violent television programming.To justify    this conclusion the editorial notes the several national studies about the very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch violent shows. The editorial also cites a survey  conducted by the Observer.I find this argument logically unconvincing in several respects.

      Firstly,the study amounts to scant evidence of the speaker's implicit conclusion that the violent television shown contributes to the increase in teenage crime paralles.However, the editor can not analyse the possible reasons of this conclusion.Just because  the violent television programms on TV does not necessarily mean that th teenage crime should be happend in this country.There are maybe some other reasons,such as the children's family ,the education, the social phenomenon.The editor does not think about the other reasons in this country,so the increasing of the rate of the crimes can not just attribute to the television.It is not fair.

      Secondly,the several national studies can not conclude the children's violent behavior has the connection with the  violent TV shown.Because we do not know the number of the studies,and how many people they studies,and where the areas are.The editor can not point the mateiral details.So the studies are unlikelihood.They may from the unsafe areas where always happen the crime.And also from the family which fails to educate the children in the right way. Besides,the scene of the violence may also let children to know how terrible a thing when people do the violent behavior,and not to follow with them.

     Thirdly,in a survey conducted by the Observer, parents prefer less violence television programming during prime time.The numble of "over 90 percent "  is exactly how much,we do not know.It can not show any other imformation about the survey.We can doubt the reliability of the survey.Is it something about Alta?Or what is the total number of the people they surveyed?It is not the credible support.

     Finally,the cites which the editor adduce are not the credible examples to support the editorial conclusion.They just tell one side of the possible reasons.But the other reasons maybe the mostly factors.From this argument ,the only point we can know is the children watched the violent television programs.Until the editor substantiates both assumptions I remain unconvinced that we should reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time.

     In conclusion, the editorial is unconvincing as it stands.To srengthen the argument, the editor must find all other possible reasons contributing to the increase of the teenage violence.If they want to cut down the amount of violence shown during prime time.They should point the violent children in Alta who have the bad infections from the violent television shown .They also should point the material number of the survey that can make people trust enough,and the response of the parents who want the programs to show less violence,or cite some of their words.

   

请多指教！

sheldenUID: 2338299

正文第四行 than do children 改成 than the children
逻辑挺清楚的
建议 注意长句的使用
the study amounts to scant evidence of the speaker's implicit conclusion that the violent television shown contributes to the increase in teenage crime paralles 之类的
表达意思不太清晰

感觉基础一般

呵呵 也可能是我阅读的问题

再多找点人改吧

加油!

liuyingbnuUID: 2321970

The editorial concludes that the reason of the steady increase teenagers' crime in the country of Altahas is the violent television programming.To justify    this conclusion the editorial notes the several national studies about the very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do (这个do是不是有点多余呢)children who do not watch violent shows. The editorial also cites a survey  conducted by the Observer.I find this argument logically unconvincing in several respects.



      Firstly,the study amounts to scant evidence of the speaker's implicit conclusion that the violent television shown contributes to the increase in teenage crime paralles(这个用法感觉怪怪的).However, the editor can not analyse（analyze） the possible reasons of this conclusion.Just because  the violent television programms on TV does not necessarily mean that th teenage crime should be happend in this country.（because应该是要连接句子的，这句话是不是这样表达要好些The mere fact that more violent television programs are on TV does not necessarily mean that th teenage crime should occur in this country. ）There are maybe some other reasons,such as the children's family ,the education, the social phenomenon.（ther contributors available should be explicated further, which could be more compelling）
The editor does not think about the other reasons in this country,so the increasing of the rate of the crimes can not just attribute to the television.It is not fair.



      Secondly,the several national studies can not conclude the children's violent behavior has the connection with the  violent TV shown.Because we do not know the number of the studies,and how many people they studies,and where the areas are.（这个意思我不太明白）The editor can not point the mateiral（？material） details.So the studies are unlikelihood.They may from the unsafe areas where always happen the crime.And also from the family which fails to educate the children in the right way. Besides,the scene of the violence may also let children to know how terrible a thing (it is )when people do the violent behavior,and not to follow with(delete with)them.



     Thirdly,in a survey conducted by the Observer, parents prefer less violence television programming during prime time.The numble(number) of "over 90 percent "  is exactly how much,we do not know.It can not show any other imformation about the survey.We can doubt the reliability of the survey.Is it something about Alta?Or what is the total number of the people they surveyed?It is not the credible support.


     Finally,the cites which the editor adduce are not the credible examples to support the editorial conclusion.They just tell one side of the possible reasons.But the other reasons maybe the mostly factors.From this argument ,the only point we can know is the children watched the violent television programs.Until the editor substantiates both assumptions I remain unconvinced that we should reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time.


     In conclusion, the editorial is unconvincing as it stands.To srengthen the argument, the editor must find(?rule out) all other possible reasons contributing to the increase of the teenage violence.If they want to cut down the amount of violence shown during prime time.They should point the violent children in Alta who have the bad infections from the violent television shown (they should point out the number of violent children in Alta who suffer the bad effects from the violent television show).They also should point the material number of the survey that can make people trust enough,and the response of the parents who want the programs to show less violence,or cite some of their words.
结构还是很清楚的，就是用词上有些小毛病。
我也是第一次改，可能有很多不当指出，见谅哈^_^
建议下次贴作业之前，把文章放到word里面去检查一下基本的拼写错误和大小写错误，记录下来，避免下次犯同样的错误^_^