修改后作文 +补充 COMEON作文小组-------9.11作业 Vanessa20

vanessa20UID: 2479494

Agree or disagree: Getting advice from the older friends is more valuable than getting advice from friends at your age.<br />
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&nbsp;&nbsp;<font size="4"> I agree with the opinion that getting advice from the older friends is more valuable. As far as I am concerned, we can never put too much emphersis<font color="blue">（emphasis）</font> on other's advice because it is instructive. Therefore, both the suggestions from our peers and older friends should be consider. Learning from the latter, the older friends, however, is preferable at most of the time. I would like to explain by the following reasons.<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp;First and foremost, the older generations are more sophisicated. As they are aging, older friends accumulate experience while handling with problems, which benefit them in making decisions in the future. That is to say, the trouble confronting us at this moment may be the same as which they once met with. And now they have already gotten through. What can be better than asking the person who had the same experience for idea and learning a lesson from him/her? It not only saves precious time in decision making but also prevents your from making a wrong option.<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp;Furthermore, advice from peers, on the other hand, is sometimes inappropriate and inmature. Generally speaking, adolescent are inevitably susceptible when making decisions. As a consequence, the outcome is what your friends want rather than what you want. For example, there is a party on this weekend but the final exams is impending on next Monday. I am in great pain, struggling with whether party or study. My friend will of course says " Go party first. You have studied enough. Life will be boring if tied up with study all day long."&nbsp;&nbsp;But the problem is that they do not know I got a C in midterm test and I am likely to fail unless crambing for the final. Our opinions collide and even worse, she is so amicable that making me feel guilty to turn her down. As you can imagine, my test score will end up in another C or D. In this case, conversely, our parents or older friends will guide us in a wise way.<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp;To conclude, getting advice from the older friends is more advisable due to their experienced&nbsp;&nbsp;and mature mind. Especially under certain circumstances, say, making a vital decision such as choosing our career or major, should we ask the older friends for advice.<br />
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</font>不好意思迟了....<br />
写得好仓促...我先贴上然后再修改吧，辛苦了！<br />
明天一定准时


刚才看到一些同义词，补充一下 experienced，sophiscated， veteran

[ 本帖最后由 vanessa20 于 2008-9-15 00:16 编辑 ]

ansoncodeUID: 2528782

I agree with the opinion that getting advicefrom the older friends is more valuable. As far as I am concerned, we can neverput too much emphersis（emphasis） on other's advice because it isinstructive.（这句话想讲什么，没看懂） Therefore, both thesuggestions from our peers and older friends should be consider. （这句话是干什么用的？前面已经倾向older friends,在这里怎么又冒出个折中观点）Learning from the latter, theolder friends, however, is preferable at most of the time. I would like toexplain by the following reasons.

Firstand foremost,（没见过这种transition,要么First, 要么foremost） the older generations are moresophisicated. As they are aging, older friends accumulate experience whilehandling with problems, which benefit them in making decisions in the future.That is to say, the trouble confronting us at this moment may be the same aswhich they once met with. And now they have already gotten through. What can bebetter than asking the person who had the same experience for idea and learninga lesson from him/her? It not only saves precious time in decision making butalso prevents your from making a wrong option.（整段都在说理，没有details和example,论证不充分）

Furthermore,advice from peers, on the other hand (要么furthermore,要么on the other hand), issometimes inappropriate and inmature. Generally speaking, adolescent are inevitablysusceptible when making decisions. As a consequence, the outcome is what yourfriends want rather than what you want. For example, there is a party on thisweekend but the final exams is impending on next Monday. I am in great pain,struggling with whether party or study. My friend will of course says " Goparty first. You have studied enough. Life will be boring if tied up with studyall day long."  But the problem isthat they do not know I got a C in midterm test and I am likely to fail unlesscrambing (cramming) for the final. Our opinions collide and even worse, she isso amicable that making me feel guilty to turn her down. As you can imagine, mytest score will end up in another C or D. In this case, conversely, our parentsor older friends will guide us in a wise way. （这个例子逻辑不够严密，故论证不够有力，为什么你的朋友一定会叫你去玩，为什么年纪大的朋友就一定会给出明智的引导呢，这个没有必然性，我还可以说我的同学都很用功，鼓励我一起学习，年纪大的朋友都很闲，天天叫我出去玩。而且例子不够简练，浪费了一些笔墨，在我看来，只有能够充分支持我的观点的details才值得我去写）

Toconclude, getting advice from the older friends is more advisable due to theirexperienced  and mature mind. Especiallyunder certain circumstances, say, making a vital decision such as choosing ourcareer or major, should we ask the older friends for advice. (这个倒装感觉怪怪的，你从Only under some certain circumstances变来的吧，请确定一下这种倒装没问题)

总的来说，楼主的语言比较好，词汇比较丰富，句式多样，但尚缺乏developed的论证
还有在Transition上还要加强，Transition是文章逻辑的关键，用错了会让人confused

[ 本帖最后由 ansoncode 于 2008-9-12 18:22 编辑 ]

vanessa20UID: 2479494

感谢楼上！你说到的大部分问题我写的时候就觉得别扭，但又不知道怎样改进，于是就硬写下去了
你的评点很认真，我会认真修改，谢谢你的意见！:)

vanessa20UID: 2479494

we can neverput too much emphersis（emphasis） on other's advice because it isinstructive.
这句话打得不好， 应该是 we can never put too much emphasis on other's advice because it is instructive.
意思是说我们怎样看重别人的意见都不为过，因为它们对我们大有裨益。

至于first and foremost,我在挑战TOEFL 满分作文里面看到 page98第五小项，之前也运用在不少文章当中，后来查merriam webster
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/first%20and%20foremost
的确查不到
看来此短语存在争议，我还是少用为妙;d: :handshake  
ansoncode 的CRITICAL THINKING 我是十分赞赏的！很希望再有机会能让你点评我的作文，（本人一直觉得这是我最弱的地方）
谢谢你！