我的烂文，麻烦大家狠批！！

nancydouglasUID: 2205809

Why do you think some people are attracted to dangerous sports or other dangerous activities? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

快要考试了，麻烦您给看一下，谢谢:) 。
Nowadays, our society is witnessing an increasing amount of people who attend dangerous sports or activities. As far as I am concerned, to relax themselves and to acquire sense of stimulation and achievement are the reasons why they are attractive to those dangerous activities. Among numerous facts and reasons which could strengthen my viewpoint, I will argue and provide primary and concrete evidence in the following discussion.
To begin with, the main reason why people attend dangerous sports is that people desire to challenge themselves and obtain a sense of achievement and fulfillment. History and facts witnessed abundant examples. People who climbed the MT.Everest, people who attend the Sky Diving, people who participated in the Car Racing, all sought for ultimate challenge to themselves. What they must defeat are themselves rather than anyone else. By successfully overwhelmed the nature, they acquired a sense of achievement and accordingly enjoy the excitement.
Furthermore, another argument may be presented to develop my perspective is that dangerous sports could bring much more stimulation than any other ordinary activities such as jogging, swimming or playing basketball. Dangerous activities are those sports that one can totally devote oneself to them, focusing all the attention on that moment.
In addition, both commonsense and our experience inform us that people desire relaxation after a long time of busy work and study. In daily lives, ranging from engineers, actors, professors to doctors, are all under different types of pressure and strains from work, interpersonal relationship, to study. It is everyone’ desire to search for a healthy approach which can unload the press and enjoy life. The advent of dangerous activities provides an ideal optional way. Psychologist maintains that confronted with enormous horror actively, people with a positive attitude could totally relax themselves afterwards.
To conclude, to follow the fashion trend and to show themselves as well as to display their own distinct characteristics are also possible motivations why people take part in such dangerous sports. After serious consideration, nevertheless, the above-mentioned reasons, which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, are primary and profound ones to this complicated issue. From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that to relax and to acquire a sense of stimulation and achievement are the persuasive reasons why people attend dangerous activities and sports.

ChrisWhiteUID: 2374825

首先感觉定语从句用得太多了，越抹越黑。
第一行attend -participate
第二行relax themselves and to acquire sense of stimulation and achievement -去掉第一个and
第三行Among numerous facts and reasons which could strengthen my viewpoint, I will argue and provide primary and concrete evidence in the   and 重复了，句子结构不清楚了。
往下我就不说了，我认为你的问题就是第一用词不准确，第二总用从句表达，应该试着用分词（现在，过去）表达。
比如，第二段第一句the main reason why people attend dangerous sports is that.... --the main reason for people attending dangerous sports is that....
我作文也不好就不多说了，互相学习。有说错的请大家指出。

nancydouglasUID: 2205809

:)
谢谢你，建议很中肯，我会认真学习的