第一次写。。。issue130 【文以载道小组3】 11.13 Tiffay

tiffany2108UID: 2533729

130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."


The statement asserts that socialization of children today determines the future of our society, and the speaker holds the opinion that we haven't found the way out for children's socialization. I tend to disagree with both aspects of the statement. The first claim is too simply in consideration, and the second claim lacks of evidence.

Socialization refers to a process that individual's relationship with his/her families, classmates, colleagues and other people who have connection with he/her forms the character and role of the individual in the society. I agree that Children should be regarded as future dominant. Admittedly, socialization help children to learn how to deal with different relationship in the society. A good socialization can lead a child to a basically right personality, which would be a contribution to society. It build up a healthy personality: generous, sympathetic, considerate. This phenomenon shows in kindergartens that children who are

out-going get more friends and tend to be a little leader. Most job hunters would find communication and team work ability are

one of the necessary demand of employers which indicates that who are good in communication and build relationship with others have more competency.

However, over emphasis the important of socialization mislead us to ignore other crucial factors. Nowadays, the world has more complexities. How children are socialized is just one of the facts which can affect society's future. More should be taken in to consideration. For example, on contrary of socialization, the individuation has its consequence. Ignorance of individual ability always raise children to anti-social people. Take an astonish criminal case happened in 2004 in Yunnan Province of china as example: Ma Jiajue, a college student from a needy family killed 4 of his classmate because they pointed out his cheating in cards game while he said to media under arrest that he didn't cheat that time. Actually, he said he was tortured by lacking friendship and trust, even love form his family. Ma tried all his effort to be socialized which he gives too much emphasis but he failed, and what's fatal is he can't find his self-value, personal conviction, that is, his broken individuation plays the essential role in his failure.

Finally I turn to the second claim. The speaker's definition of "a better society" is not clear. Different people have varies opinion on "better". If so, it's hard to find evidence to support the conclusion the speaker made. However, certainty is that efforts have been done by educationists. Education, one of the main methods to help children to be successful contributes a lot. For instance, not only in famous university like Harvard encourages students to take electives in different disciplines by which students learn to analysis society and themselves in dimensions. With a broader view, possibilities of success accumulate to a brighter future for children.

In sum, looking at the successful individual, Bill Gates, Barak Obama, and many entertainment super star like Tom Hanks, obviously they all well socialized which provide them great supportable interpersonal relationship and well developed in individuation, self-conviction, which make them different from others and distinguish. Collaborating keys like socialization, individuation, education of being a generalist can we figure out how to raise children, the future's dominated people. Opposite to the speaker's statement, history tells that human's efforts on next generation do bring us to a better society, at least in social regime, which has changed from conservative society to a more civil and democratic one.





第一次写啊～～～狠点拍～但是请真诚

[ 本帖最后由 tiffany2108 于 2008-11-14 09:49 编辑 ]

tiffany2108UID: 2533729

顶上去。。。恳请排砖。。。若不嫌弃，必回拍。。

cadgetUID: 2565428

The statement asserts that socialization of children today determines the future of our society, and the speaker holds the opinion that we haven't found（out） the way for children's socialization(这两句可以合为一句的啊). I tend to disagree with both aspects of the statement. The first claim is too simply in consideration, and the second claim lacks of evidence.（中心思想：两个观点都否定）

Socialization refers to a process that individual's relationship with his/her families, classmates, colleagues（文章讲的是孩子的社会化） and other people who have connection with he/her forms the character and role of the individual in the society. （社会化的定义和作用）I agree that Children should be regarded as future dominant. Admittedly, socialization helps children to learn how to deal with different relationship in the society. A good socialization can lead a child to a basically right personality, which would be a contribution to society. It builds up a healthy personality: generous, sympathetic, considerate（这里应该用名词）. This phenomenon shows in kindergartens that children who are out-going get more friends and tend to be a little leader.（这里是不是想说社会化的结果？children who are well—socialized get more friends and tend to be a little leader.） Most job hunters would find communication and team work ability are one of the necessary demand of employers which indicates that who are good in communication and build relationship with others have more competency.( 不知道我这样修改是否曲解你的原意？Most job hunters would take communication and team work ability as the necessary demand of employers which indicates that who are good in communication and build relationship with others have more competency.)

However, overemphasizing the importance of socialization would mislead us to ignore other crucial factors. (主题句：过分强调社会化会让我们忽略其它重要的因素)Nowadays, the world are more and more complex. How children are socialized is just one of the facts which can affect society's future. More should be taken in to consideration. For example, on contrary of socialization, the individuation has its consequence(这句话换一种方式，是不是要说个性也很重要？). Ignorance of individual ability always raises children to be anti-social people. Take an astonish criminal case happened in 2004 in Yunnan Province of china as example: Ma Jiajue, a college student from a needy family killed 4 of his classmate because they pointed out his cheating in cards game while he said to media under arrest that he didn't cheat that time. Actually, he said he was tortured by lacking friendship and trust, even love form his family. Ma tried all his effort to be socialized which he gives too much emphasis but he failed, and what's fatal is he can't find his self-value, personal conviction, that is, his broken individuation plays the essential role in his failure.(我咋觉得你这个例子反而削弱了主题句呢？这里明明是因为马加爵没有很好的社会化所以…，这段论证很单薄，还有什么会决定社会命运？比如科技进步…，然后论证这些因素如何决定社会命运，再例证这些因素取得了那些成就)Finally I turn to the second claim. The speaker's definition of "a better society" is not clear.（主题句：论者对改善社会的定义不清楚）

Finally I turn to the second claim. The speaker's definition of "a better society" is not clear.（主题句：论者对改善社会的定义不清楚） Different people have varies opinion on "better". If so, it's hard to find evidence to support the conclusion the speaker made. However, it is certainty that educationists have done many efforts. Education, one of the main methods to help children to be successful contributes a lot. For instance, not only in famous university like Harvard encourages students to take electives in different disciplines by which students learn to analysis society and themselves in dimensions(不仅..而且..好像不完整吧). With a broader view, possibilities of success accumulate to a brighter future for children.（本段的主题句是论者对改善社会的定义不清楚吗？这样就和中心句不大符合了啊，中心句不是要反驳我们没有学会怎么抚养能改善社会的孩子吗。而且这段的逻辑有些不清楚。先说定义不清楚，然后说教育者做了很多贡献，前后说的不是同一个话题啊，而且缺乏有效的论证，也没有有效的例证）

In sum, looking at the successful individual, Bill Gates, Barak Obama, and many entertainment super star like Tom Hanks, obviously they all well socialized which provide them great supportable interpersonal relationship and well developed in individuation, self-conviction, which make them different from others and distinguish（例证怎么不放到正文里呢？）. Collaborating keys like socialization, individuation, education of being a generalist can we figure out how to raise children, the future's dominated people（论证也应该放到正文里啊）. Opposite to the speaker's statement, history tells that human's efforts on next generation do bring us to a better society, at least in social regime, which has changed from conservative society to a more civil and democratic one.

文章的思路很好，先从理论上高屋建瓴，然后具体论证。
1.       中心句和各段主题句逻辑关系没有链接的很好
2.       各段主题句没有得到有效的论证，例证也不是很合适
3.       论证逻辑有些乱
4.       结尾处理的不好
5.       有一些语法上的问题
第一次写有些痛苦，加油哈~~！

[ 本帖最后由 cadget 于 2008-11-14 12:50 编辑 ]

chvlylUID: 2201025

The statement asserts thatsocialization of children today determines the future of our society,and the speaker holds the opinion that we haven't found the way out forchildren's socialization. (有点不简练,改成这样 The statement asserts thatthe (加个the好点) socialization of children today determines the future of our society but unfurtunately (在你原句加了个词)we haven't found the way out forit 避免重复,我用it指代前面已经提到过的socialization of children)I tend to disagree with both aspects of thestatement. The first claim is too simply(我感觉用simple比较好,不太确定.另外这个simple可以改得更生动,语气更强些,见后面) in consideration (这里可以说清楚一些,The first claim oversimplifies the  relation  between socialization of children and the destiny of  our society,可以点一下,哪里看得太简单了,后面内容是根据我自己想法加的,可能跟你文章不贴切), and thesecond claim lacks of evidence.

(我觉得这里一是缺少过度词,二是缺少中心句)Socialization refers to a (后面都有that从句修饰了,改the是不是好点) processthat individual's relationship with his/her families, classmates,colleagues and other people who have connection with he/her(him her) forms thecharacter and role of the individual in the society. (为说明问题,先下个定义,这个方法不错)I agree thatChildren (children)should be regarded as future dominant (其实题目并没有直接说children是未来社会主力,何来agree?我觉得你能说一下为什么future dominant会比较好,这样思路过渡流畅一些,就是children->destiny这层关系). Admittedly,socialization help (helps) children to learn how to deal with differentrelationship in the society. A good socialization can lead a child to abasically right personality, which would be a contribution to society.It build up a healthy personality: generous, sympathetic, considerate(词性有点问题).This phenomenon (感觉不好,直接去掉phenomenon吧) shows in kindergartens that children who are out-going get more friends and tend to be a little leader (这个evidence感觉有点难以说服人,这里你其实可以举点真实的例子,找个现在知名的企业家,google一下,我想肯定有小时候就很有leader天赋的,比你空说有说服力.即使没有你也可以邹一个,嘿嘿). Most job hunters would find communication and team work ability are one of the necessary demand of employers whichindicates that who are good in communication and build relationshipwith others have more competency.(我觉得后面的论证思路有点weak)

(开始说反面,折中)However, over emphasis the important(importance) ofsocialization mislead (misleads 同样问题)us to ignore other crucial factors (中心句,有可能还是点一下哪些factor,such as..., 不过这样写也没问题). Nowadays, theworld has more complexities. How children are socialized is just one ofthe facts which can affect society's future. More should be taken in toconsideration.(这三句其实可以用一个从句搞定,短句用得太多) For example, on contrary of socialization, theindividuation has its consequence(这句有问题). Ignorance of individual abilityalways raise children to anti-social people. Take an astonish criminalcase happened in 2004 in Yunnan Province of china (China) as example: MaJiajue, a college student from a needy family killed 4 of his classmatebecause they pointed out his cheating in cards game while he said tomedia under arrest that he didn't cheat that time. Actually, he said hewas tortured by lacking friendship and trust, even love form hisfamily. Ma tried all his effort to be socialized which he gives toomuch emphasis but he failed, and what's fatal is he can't find hisself-value, personal conviction, that is, his broken individuationplays the essential role in his failure.(我觉得你这段缺少一句话,明确点出 哪些factor也重要,你只是在例子中提了一下,最好在例子之前,这样别人就知道你的例子实在证明什么.另外,例子似乎说不了观点)

Finally I turn to the second claim. The speaker'sdefinition of "a better society" is not clear.(这个用短句显得罗嗦,Finally coming to the second claim. The speaker'sdefinition of "a better society" is not clear.) Different people havevaries opinion on "better". If so, it's hard to find evidence tosupport the conclusion the speaker made. However, certainty is thatefforts have been done by educationists. Education, one of the mainmethods to help children to be successful contributes a lot. Forinstance, not only in famous university like Harvard encouragesstudents to take electives in different disciplines by which studentslearn to analysis society and themselves in dimensions. With a broaderview, possibilities of success accumulate to a brighter future forchildren.(开始还以为第一句是中心句,后面发现后半段跟第一句不相关,我建议你加个中心句,而且说这个"定义不清"似乎也不能说明后半段观点,干脆不说定义不清,直接说现在教育还是在这方面有作用这个观点)

In sum, looking at the successful individual, BillGates, Barak Obama, and many entertainment super star like Tom Hanks,obviously they all well socialized which provide them great supportableinterpersonal relationship and well developed in individuation,self-conviction, which make them different from others and distinguish.(这些例子为什么不放在前面用?判官看完前面基本就给你顶分数了,写在结尾段实在没啥用)Collaborating keys like socialization, individuation, education ofbeing a generalist can we figure out how to raise children, thefuture's dominated people. Opposite to the speaker's statement, historytells that human's efforts on next generation do bring us to a bettersociety, at least in social regime, which has changed from conservativesociety to a more civil and democratic one.

我基本上是在挑刺,有些地方可改可不改,我也提出来我自己的观点,并不是说你那样写就不对了.
1.思路是比较清晰的,但是具体但分论点论证上,有些混乱
2.短句用得太多,我不是说不该用短句,但是应该长短搭配,有些地方可以写成长句.

tiffany2108UID: 2533729

The statement asserts that socialization of children today determines the future of our society, and we haven't found out the way for children's socialization. I tend to agree with both aspects of the statement. The first claim is too simply in consideration, and the second claim lacks of evidence.

Socialization refers to a process that individual internalizes social value system and behaves under its control by building relationship with his/her families, playmates, classmates, and other people who have connection with. Admittedly, personal values derived from socialization obviously affect the destiny of society. A well developed socialization process forms commonly acceptable personal value system which can conduct children to deny the villain and follow the virtue. Moreover, socialization helps children to learn how to deal with different relationship and behave properly in the society: how to be generous, sympathetic, considerate and how to cooperate with others. Most employers take communication and team work abilities as one of necessary requirements to employers, which indicates that who are well-socialized have more competency.

However, overemphasizing the importance of socialization would mislead us to ignore other crucial factors. Nowadays, the world has more complexities. How children are socialized is just one of the facts which can affect society's future. Destiny’s changes happened to our society in recent decades relate tightly with technology: with developed medicine, people live longer and healthier but also become one reason of elder population, a scabrous social problem; with high-tech communication methods, like Internet and mobile-phone social lives slip into an information explosion age. Besides, This is an instance but changed the society inclination. A photo taken by Edward T. Adams called “Saigon Execution”, a famous photo once got Pulitzer News Photography Awards, pushes the Vietnam War to get end. The Photo catch the second a Vietnam communist was shooting at the head, and the miserable scenes show the cruelness of the war and more and more people were inclined to be antiwar.

Finally I turn to the second claim. On the contrary of the claim, we can put forward evidences that our society has been better though the effort of people who all used to be children. The economics has been developed in a marvelous speed after world war II, take china for example, its GDP once increased 10%-20% per year; the politics has been more democratic: government do more for the people while less autocracy and almost no slavery throughout the world; the culture has more crossover because of the “global village”, and people from different countries get to know each other more. By the counterevidence we can deduce that we actually have method to raise children and bring a better society.

As to the method, family and school’s cultivate of socialization is the most momentous. Children are very likely to stay with their family members at their earliest socialization, so it’s easier to affect them deeply. Many successful individuals are told by their parents that what is right values and behavior when they were young. Barak Obama, the new president of United State wrote in his autobiography <My father’s dream>that in an afternoon after he ragged by others kids when he was a little boy, his step father touch him boxing and told him that, if you do not fight, the stronger will aggress in and take what you have away. After that, Obama spare all his effort to be a strong one. When a child enters a school, they spent more time in school than at home, as a result the school education takeover the responsibility of socialization: In class, teachers impart the social value directly to children by different courses; after class, children confirm their relationship with playmates or classmates. And a good school is more attractive to parents to send their children in because they want them to be well-educated and well-educated can represent well-socialized.

In sum, children’s socialization is important for society, but technology and some instance also have enough power to change the destiny of society. I believe that in a long term, with families and schools effort, our society will keep the advancing tendency as before.

cadgetUID: 2565428

The statement asserts that socialization of children today determines the future of our society, and we haven't found out the way for children's socialization. I tend to agree with both aspects of the statement. The first claim is too simply in consideration, and the second claim lacks of evidence. （完全否定）

Socialization refers to a process that individual internalizes social value system and behaves under its control by building relationship with his/her families, playmates, classmates, and other people who have connection with. Admittedly, personal values derived from socialization obviously affect the destiny of society. A well developed socialization process forms commonly acceptable personal value system which can conduct children to deny the villain and follow the virtue. Moreover, socialization helps children to learn how to deal with different relationship and behave properly in the society: how to be generous, sympathetic, considerate and how to cooperate with others. Most employers take communication and team work abilities as one of(划掉) necessary requirements to employers, which indicates that who are well-socialized have more competency. （社会化的定义，意义，作用）

However, overemphasizing the importance of socialization would mislead us to ignore other crucial factors.（还有其它重要因素）Nowadays, the world has more complexities. How children are socialized is just one of the facts which can affect society's future. Destiny’s changes happened to our society in recent decades relate tightly with technology（技术）: with developed medicine, people live longer and healthier but also become one reason of elder population, a scabrous social problem（汗，不是说其它因素也决定社会命运吗？这里应该说技术带来的好处啊）; with high-tech communication methods, like Internet and mobile-phone social lives slip into an information explosion age. Besides, This is an instance but changed the society inclination. A photo（科学） taken by Edward T. Adams called “Saigon Execution”, a famous photo once got Pulitzer News Photography Awards, pushes the Vietnam War to get end. The Photo catch the second a Vietnam communist was shooting at the head, and the miserable scenes show the cruelness of the war and more and more people were inclined to be antiwar.（这里应该说明下这个照片得益于光学的发展）

Finally I turn to the second claim. On the contrary of the claim, we can put forward evidences that our society has been better though the effort of people who all used to be children（社会取得的进步得益于孩子的社会化）. The economics has been developed in a marvelous speed after world war II, take china for example, its GDP once increased 10%-20% per year; the politics has been more democratic: government do more for the people while less autocracy and almost no slavery throughout the world; the culture has more crossover because of the “global village”, and people from different countries get to know each other more. By the counterevidence we can deduce that we actually have method to raise children and bring a better society.（社会进步了，和孩子社会化之间的关系不明，缺乏有效论证）

As to the method, family and school’s cultivate of socialization is the most momentous.（家庭和学校是社会化的主要途径） Children are very likely to stay with their family members at their earliest socialization, so it’s easier to affect them deeply. Many successful individuals are told by their parents that what is right values and behavior when they were young. Barak Obama, the new president of United State wrote in his autobiography <My father’s dream>that in an afternoon after he ragged by others kids when he was a little boy, his step father touch him boxing and told him that, if you do not fight, the stronger will aggress in and take what you have away. After that, Obama spare all his effort to be a strong one. When a child enters a school, they spent more time in school than at home, as a result the school education takeover the responsibility of socialization: In class, teachers impart the social value directly to children by different courses; after class, children confirm their relationship with playmates or classmates. And a good school is more attractive to parents to send their children in because they want them to be well-educated and well-educated can represent well-socialized.（家庭和学校对社会化很重要，和主题句有什么关系呢？）

In sum, children’s socialization is important for society, but technology and some instance also have enough power to change the destiny of society. I believe that in a long term, with families and schools effort, our society will keep the advancing tendency as before.

[ 本帖最后由 cadget 于 2008-11-15 10:55 编辑 ]

doublesharkUID: 2439454