求拍 第一次task2 同时寻互相修改作文的版友

AgynessUID: 2405406

题目是从bqiana的大作文之集思广益帖里找到的，作文写得很幼稚……限时40分钟写得，285个字。词汇太贫乏了，先惭愧一个，欢迎大家来拍啊。顺路寻互相修改作文的版友。我上网的时间不多，有想互相修改的板友麻烦留个链接吧 :loveliness:

题目：Nowadays, a large amount of advertisement aimed at children, some people think they have lots of negative effects on children and should be banned. To what extent you agree or disagree?

作文：
As a result of the booming development of commercial economy, merchants have to enlarge their plan in advertisement on television, internet, radio and outdoor, to promote their sales. As the increase of the advertisement which aimed at children, some people suggest to ban them, because those advertisements affect children in negative. However, I do not agree with that. The reasons will state below.

First of all, children need to study in different ways; advertisement is one channel to absorb new knowledge. Children have a strong ability in study. They learn things fast from what they see or heard. The advertisement, not only a commercial production but also an art works, just offer lots of material for children to study. Children can learn how to speak from advertisements when they are little babies; when they grow up, they can learn verbal skills such as how to wording and phrasing; moreover, they enjoy in the picture and the creative idea from the advertisements; it is the initiation education of aesthetics.   

Furthermore, whether the advertisement can affect children in negative is not depend on the number of advertisements; how the parents educate their children is the main point. Children do not know what is right or wrong exactly, at that time, parents should lead their children to the right way. For example, children always want new toys in the touching advertisements; even they already bought one last week. In this situation, parents should irrigate their children with economic idea instead of buying everything the children want.

In conclusion, the advertisement which aimed at children don not has negative effects on children. In contrary, children may enhance intelligence from advertisement if the parents establish a study environment at home.

[ 本帖最后由 Agyness 于 2008-2-11 15:24 编辑 ]

Mr.BenUID: 2444662

:eek: 这是我考试的题目..呆会改

As a result of the booming development of commercial economy, merchants have to enlarge their plan in advertisement on television, internet, radio and outdoor, to promote their sales. As the increase of the advertisement which aimed at children, some people suggest to ban them, because those advertisements affect children in negative. However, I do not agree with that. The reasons will state below. First of all, children need to study in different ways; advertisement is one channel to absorb new knowledge. Children have a strong ability in study. They learn things fast from what they see or heard. The advertisement, not only a commercial production but also an art works, just offer lots of material for children to study. Children can learn how to speak from advertisements when they are (were) little babies; when they grow up, they can learn verbal skills such as how to wording and phrasing; (这里广告的作用是什么？) moreover, they enjoy in the picture and the creative idea from the advertisements; it is the initiation education of aesthetics.   Furthermore, whether the advertisement can affect children in negative is not depend on the number of advertisements; how the parents educate their children is the main point. Children do not know what is right or wrong exactly, at that time, parents should lead their children to the right way. For example, children always want new toys in the touching advertisements; even they already bought one last week. In this situation, parents should irrigate their children with economic idea instead of buying everything the children want. （例子举的不好，这是在说节约？和广告有什么关系？）In conclusion, the advertisement which aimed at children don not has negative effects on children. In contrary, children may enhance intelligence from advertisement if the parents establish a study environment at home.

逻辑还行。总体来说还可以，就是那个例子举的不好，没扣住TS

[ 本帖最后由 Mr.Ben 于 2008-2-11 16:05 编辑 ]

futuremanUID: 2327059

来帮你看一下

futuremanUID: 2327059

题目：Nowadays, a large amount of advertisement aimed at children, some people think they have lots of negative effects on children and should be banned. To what extent you agree or disagree?
作文：
As a result of the booming development of commercial economy, merchants have to enlarge their plan in advertisement on television, internet, radio and outdoor, to promote their sales. As the increase of [With the increase of] the advertisement which aimed at children, some people suggest to ban them, because those advertisements affect children in negative. However, I do not agree with that. The reasons will state below. [全否，认为广告有益]
First of all, children need to study in different ways; advertisement is one channel to absorb new knowledge. Children have a [去掉a]strong ability in study. They learn things fast from what they see or heard[hear]. The advertisement, not only a commercial production but also an art works, just offer lots of material for children to study. Children can learn how to speak from advertisements when they are little babies; when they grow up, they can learn verbal skills such as how to wording and phrasing; moreover, they enjoy in the picture and the creative idea from the advertisements; it is the initiation [initiative]education of aesthetics.   [广告提供学习知识的途径]
Furthermore, whether the advertisement can affect children in negative is not depend on the number of advertisements; how the parents educate their children is the main point. Children do not know what is right or wrong exactly, at that time, parents should lead their children to the right way. For example, children always want new toys in the touching advertisements; even they already bought one last week. In this situation, parents should irrigate their children with economic idea instead of buying everything the children want. [广告是否有害取决于父母的引导。这和第一段有点矛盾，如果以父母教育为标准衡量广告的作用，那么就不能说广告有益，因为你也可以认为广告有害，广告成为一个中性的不能置评的对象。我觉得这和题目所讨论的范畴有所偏离，且理由不够有力]
In conclusion, the advertisement which aimed at children don not has negative effects on children. In contrary, children may enhance intelligence from advertisement if the parents establish a study environment at home.

1>最好有三个相互支撑的理由来证明你的论点，因为你是全盘否定题目，那么分论点的选取要有代表性且做到净尽性归纳，这样你的论述才有力，足够让人信服。
2>从题目出发，难道广告真的一点负面作用没有吗？
3>遣词造句比较准确，语言流畅，加油~

forbeckUID: 2297645

大谢菠萝;d:

AgynessUID: 2405406

谢谢各位

我重新考虑了一个这个题目，准备把首段改成承认广告会对儿童产生影响，但是没必要禁止

第一段写广告对儿童不好的影响，同时谈到家长的教育
第二段写广告对孩子也有好的影响，这样似乎递进关系强一些