Issue224 限时成功，就是字数少了点

sophywUID: 203712

Issue224  第10篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：45分1秒     515 words
从2005年5月10日9时28分到2005年5月10日10时45分
------题目------
Censorship is rarely, if ever, justified.
------正文------
Censorship as a discipline which is defined in a definite scope plays a vital role in the development of the society and it is always stubborn to outer pressure or the inspector's own character so that to lose its justification.

There are several reasons why censorship is rarely justified, if not always. Firstly, censorship, a discipline to check the things concerning books, paintings and other art works, is often subject to the bias of inspectors. An inspector as an ordinary person has the same character, such as self-reliance, as others. So as an individual, he or she has his/her own experience and life style, which will affect his/her attitude to art works. For example, a censor who is reared in a harmonious family and often got fondness from his/her parents will praise the fictions regarding beautiful things and suspect fictions in reference to family violence, for he or she could not believe that is true. Whereas others suffering from miserable childhood will understand the deeply morality in the fiction full of family violence. Therefore, owing to the different experience between censors and writers, contradictions ineluctably occur, so different, even opposite attitude will be shaped facing the same fiction and other art works. In this sense, thanks to diverse life experience, and in turn different characters between censors and writers, the attitude to the same art works may be too different to get a census. And concerning with this reason, censorship is often unjustified.

Moreover, government's will as an aspiration to solidify its authority also affects censorship a lot. Censorship as a regulation itself is created by the government and the fulfillment of it is also under the control of the government, so it is no doubt that it must succumb to the government's will. The officers as group persons having the same profit, often want the art works praises their contributions to the society and coverts their defects. Often in the case of obvious flaws, the government still excuses for itself. So regarding this trend and hobby of the government, art works must cater to its taste and any fictions which do harm to shape government's portrait will be disdained and refused to be published. How could one imagine that a book which concentrates in particular on contempt the contribution to the government's work, maybe in fact it really reveals some negative aspects and some scandals of government, will pass the censorship? Does the government will permit such criticism to carry on? And if this tide becomes a flood, how could government control the public reaction and revolutionary mood? Therefore, to solidify its power to control, the government wants to get the support from public, so it must keep an eye on art works which is opposite to its policy and add a shackle to these books' publish through the discipline of censorship.

In sum, since the government influence and some biases existing in the censors compared with writers, it is hard to say the censorship is often justified. On contrary, it is always a representative of few inspectors and government's voice.

crazyfox3UID: 171430

恭喜恭喜，有时间帮你看看阿

qwerty_123UID: 201741

Censorship as a discipline which is defined in a definite scope plays a vital role in the development of the society and it is always stubborn to outer pressure or the inspector's own character so that to lose its justification.

There are several reasons why censorship is rarely justified, if not always. Firstly, censorship, a discipline to check the things concerning books, paintings and other art works, is often subject to the bias of inspectors. An inspector as an ordinary person has the same character, such as self-reliance, as others. So as an individual, he or she has his/her own experience and life style, which will affect his/her attitude to art works. For example, a censor who is reared in a harmonious family and often got fondness from his/her parents will praise the fictions regarding beautiful things and suspect fictions in reference to family violence, for he or she could not believe that is true. Whereas others suffering from miserable childhood will understand the deeply morality in the fiction full of family violence. Therefore, owing to the different experience between censors and writers, contradictions ineluctably occur, so different, even opposite attitude will be shaped facing the same fiction and other art works. In this sense, thanks to diverse life experience, and in turn different characters between censors and writers, the attitude to the same art works may be too different to get a census. And concerning with this reason, censorship is often unjustified.
前面开始说有几个原因，后面只写了一个？
Moreover, government's will as an aspiration to solidify its authority also affects censorship a lot. Censorship as a regulation itself is created by the government and the fulfillment of it is also under the control of the government, so it is no doubt that it must succumb to the government's will. The officers as group persons having the same profit, often want the art works praises their contributions to the society and coverts their defects. Often in the case of obvious flaws, the government still excuses for itself. So regarding this trend and hobby of the government, art works must cater to its taste and any fictions which do harm to shape government's portrait will be disdained and refused to be published. How could one imagine that a book which concentrates in particular on contempt the contribution to the government's work, maybe in fact it really reveals some negative aspects and some scandals of government, will pass the censorship? Does the government will permit such criticism to carry on? And if this tide becomes a flood, how could government control the public reaction and revolutionary mood? Therefore, to solidify its power to control, the government wants to get the support from public, so it must keep an eye on art works which is opposite to its policy and add a shackle to these books' publish through the discipline of censorship.

In sum, since the government influence and some biases existing in the censors compared with writers, it is hard to say the censorship is often justified. On contrary, it is always a representative of few inspectors and government's voice.
我感觉还可以有个让步  检查制度可以杜绝一些不好的艺术作品产生



https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

sophywUID: 203712

qwerty_123
前面开始说有几个原因，后面只写了一个？
实际上是写了两个，1。审查制度由于审查者和作者的意见偏见，不同，而造成了不公正
2。由于政府的压力，所以审查制度带有偏见性
可能没有明显的标志词：firstly, secondly，而用了moreover，所以看上去就成了一个原因

“另外：我感觉还可以有个让步  检查制度可以杜绝一些不好的艺术作品产生“
时间问题是一个大问题，我曾经尝试过多写点，但是刚好够写完的时间，没有时间检查，结果错误一大堆，所以我觉得还是少写点，先保证正确率吧，可能是我的功底还不够，没法写的太多，我想我会向着这个方向努力的，呵呵


crazyfox3，谢谢鼓励阿，我想我还是要好好加油阿，呵呵

crazyfox3UID: 171430

我昨天也限了个时，还没到500呢，感觉论点多少也不是很重要
对论点的分析，论证的饱满才是最重要的
还有，从你的文章中学了一些as的用法，支持一下啊

haodongkingUID: 2101796

Censorship as a discipline which is defined in a definite scope plays a vital role in the development of the society and it is always stubborn to outer pressure or the inspector's own character so that to lose its justification.(将这一句话从and处分成两句，用一个表示转折的连词连接起来是不是更好)

There are several reasons why censorship is rarely justified, if not always. Firstly, censorship, a discipline to check the things concerning books, paintings and other art works（which were considered objectionable）, is often subject to the bias of inspectors. An inspector as an ordinary person has the same character, such as self-reliance, as others. So as an individual, he or she has his/her own experience and life style, which will affect his/her attitude to(toward) art works. For example, a censor who is reared in a harmonious family and often got fondness from his/her parents will praise the fictions regarding beautiful things and suspect fictions in reference to family violence, for he or she could not believe that is true. Whereas others suffering from miserable childhood will understand the deeply morality in the fiction full of family violence. Therefore, owing to the different experience between censors and writers, contradictions ineluctably occur, so different, even opposite attitude will be shaped facing the same fiction and other art works. In this sense, thanks to diverse life experience, and in turn different characters between censors and writers, the attitude to the same art works may be too different to get a census. And concerning with this reason, censorship is often unjustified.(开头说several reasons 这里怎么只有一个原因,或者将第一句写在第一段)
Moreover, government's will as an aspiration to solidify its authority also affects censorship a lot. Censorship as a regulation itself is created by the government and the fulfillment of it is also under the control of the government, so it is no doubt that it must succumb to the government's will. The officers as group persons having the same profit, often want the art works praises their contributions to the society and coverts their defects. Often in the case of obvious flaws, the government still excuses for itself. So regarding this trend and hobby of the government, art works must cater to its taste and any fictions which do harm to shape government's portrait will be disdained and refused to be published. How could one imagine that a book which concentrates in particular on contempt the contribution to the government's work, maybe in fact it really reveals some negative aspects and some scandals of government, will pass the censorship? Does the government will permit such criticism to carry on? And if this tide becomes a flood, how could government control the public reaction and revolutionary mood? Therefore, to solidify its power to control, the government wants to get the support from public, so it must keep an eye on art works which is opposite to its policy and add a shackle to these books' publish through the discipline of censorship.（这段感觉太绝对，最好有点让步）
In sum, since the government influence and some biases existing in the censors compared with writers, it is hard to say the censorship is often justified. On contrary, it is always a representative of few inspectors and government's voice.
（总的感觉楼主的水平很高啊，什么时候也指导指导我这新手啊，7月底的作文，现在好郁闷啊！）

sophywUID: 203712

crazyfox3。可否说的具体点，感觉我的那一段论证不够充分，我可以改正亚，赫赫

haodongking，我很多语言的表达的功夫还不到位呢，赫赫，好好努力，你一定可以做的更好的：）

song123456UID: 133578

There are several reasons why censorship is rarely justified, if not always. Firstly, censorship, a discipline to check the things concerning books, paintings and other art works, is often subject to the bias of inspectors. An inspector as an ordinary person has the same character, such as self-reliance, as others. So as an individual, he or she has his/her own experience and life style, which will affect his/her attitude to art works. For example, a censor who is reared in a harmonious family and often got fondness from his/her parents will praise the fictions regarding beautiful things and suspect fictions in reference to family violence, for he or she could not believe that is true. Whereas others suffering from miserable childhood will understand the deeply morality in the fiction full of family violence. Therefore, owing to the different experience between censors and writers, contradictions ineluctably occur, so different, even opposite attitude will be shaped facing the same fiction and other art works. In this sense, thanks to diverse life experience, and in turn different characters between censors and writers, the attitude to the same art works may be too different to get a census. And concerning with this reason, censorship is often unjustified.

Moreover, government's will as an aspiration to solidify its authority also affects censorship a lot. Censorship as a regulation itself is created by the government and the fulfillment of it is also under the control of the government, so it is no doubt that it must succumb to the government's will. The officers as group persons having the same profit, often want the art works praises their contributions to the society and coverts their defects. Often in the case of obvious flaws, the government still excuses for itself. So regarding this trend and hobby of the government, art works must cater to its taste and any fictions which do harm to shape government's portrait will be disdained and refused to be published. How could one imagine that a book which concentrates in particular on contempt the contribution to the government's work, maybe in fact it really reveals some negative aspects and some scandals of government, will pass the censorship? Does the government will permit such criticism to carry on? And if this tide becomes a flood, how could government control the public reaction and revolutionary mood? Therefore, to solidify its power to control, the government wants to get the support from public, so it must keep an eye on art works which is opposite to its policy and add a shackle to these books' publish through the discipline of censorship.

In sum, since the government influence and some biases existing in the censors compared with writers, it is hard to say the censorship is often justified. On contrary, it is always a representative of few inspectors and government's voice.
一个主要的问题就是你提出了你观点,但缺乏支持
第一个BODY,例子不够好,有点泛泛而谈,你凭什么说censors的童年生活会影响他的态度.最好有个实际明确的例子给以支持
第二个BODY,根本就没有任何例子,如果要用说理,最好是那中逻辑推理才有说服力,别的很难让人信服,这个很难,所以一般用例证比较容易.

[ Last edited by song123456 on 2005-6-11 at 11:11 ]

victoriazhizhiUID: 163135

------题目------
Censorship is rarely, if ever, justified.
------正文------
Censorship as a discipline which is defined in a definite scope defined in a definite scope重复吧 也米有说出来是什么意思，斟酌下表达方式 plays a vital role in the development of the society and it is always stubborn to outer pressure or the inspector's own character so that to lose its justification.开头很好，直接清晰，但是有个问题就是and it is always 的衔接有些不顺畅，感觉转折关系好些，其实可以不用非得把一个句子写那么长的，呵呵

There are several reasons why censorship is rarely justified, if not always. 这句有些废话，嘿嘿Firstly, censorship, a discipline to check the things concerning books, paintings and other art works, is often subject to the bias of inspectors. An inspector as an ordinary person has the same character, such as self-reliance, as others. So as an individual, he or she has his/her own experience and life style, which will affect his/her attitude to art works. For example, a censor who is reared in a harmonious family and often got fondness from his/her parents will praise the fictions regarding beautiful things and suspect fictions in reference to family violence, for he or she could not believe that is true. 感觉这个例子不太有说服力，生活在harmonious的家庭就会看什么都是好的么？然后就不相信不好的东西？关键是这对censorship有什么影响？Whereas others suffering from miserable childhood will understand the deeply morality in the fiction full of family violence. Therefore, owing to the different experience between censors and writers, contradictions ineluctably occur, so different, even opposite attitude will be shaped facing the same fiction and other art works. In this sense, thanks to diverse life experience, and in turn different characters between censors and writers, the attitude to the same art works may be too different to get a census. And concerning with this reason, censorship is often unjustified.感觉论证不充分，例子第一不是很有说服力，第二描述过于详尽，但是分析的不够，仍然有的疑问就是：这些生活环境，经验之类的东西造成的影响在哪里？如何让这个censorship不公正？既然你从开头到这句的TS一直说censorship是个discipline，那执行的人也都是按照现有的条文来执行啊，怎么会受个人影响这么大？这些问题还需要深入讨论

Moreover, government's will as an aspiration to solidify its authority also affects censorship a lot. Censorship as a regulation itself is created by the government and the fulfillment of it is also under the control of the government, so it is no doubt that it must succumb to the government's will. The officers as group persons having the same profit, often want the art works praises their contributions to the society and coverts their defects. Often in the case of obvious flaws, the government still excuses for itself. So regarding this trend and hobby of the government, art works must 此类绝对词最好少用 cater to its taste and any fictions which do harm to shape government's portrait will be disdained and refused to be published. How could one imagine that a book which concentrates in particular on contempt the contribution to the government's work, maybe in fact it really reveals some negative aspects and some scandals of government, will pass the censorship? Does the government will permit such criticism to carry on? And if this tide becomes a flood, how could government control the public reaction and revolutionary mood? Therefore, to solidify its power to control, the government wants to get the support from public, so it must keep an eye on art works which is opposite to its policy and add a shackle to these books' publish through the discipline of censorship. 这段出发点不错，但是感觉那些问句稍微有些极端，有点绝对。也不全是你说的那些情形吧？那些丑闻不都是这样暴露出来的么？华氏911的电影不也同样很红火么？感觉不要用这么强烈的语气会稍微好一些，多用一些模糊的副词可能好一些。而且还有一个问题就是一直把面限制在art work，是不是有些不够全面呢？censorship检查评价的东西不仅仅有art work，多说几个面，也会更丰富一些

In sum, since the government influence and some biases existing in the censors compared with writers, it is hard to say the censorship is often justified. On contrary,为啥这里要on contrary？结尾应该与你的全文同一论调，最好不要出来这么强烈的转折 it is always a representative of few inspectors and government's voice.

总的说，作为限时还不错。但是有几个问题： body1的论证不够有说服力，例子的选取觉得不太有利于论证，后面的分析也欠缺了点，还会产生很多疑问。其实关于这个论点的选取我觉得稍微有些牵强，觉得如果是因为个人经历 性格等东西影响到justify是不是有些不严谨？ 毕竟论证的时候已经把censorship作为一个已经制定好的规则了，执行的时候只需要是按条文办事而已，如果个人的经验和性格可以影响到justify有些太严重了吧  censorship: The act, process, or practice of censoring. 对于这定义应该有很多思路来写：（1）censorship的制定可能就是为了满足统治者的愿望来的，本身就可能不够绝对的justify （2）可以写它被执行的过程有各种人文因素影响 等等  呵呵   
body2的面最好再广泛一些。
时间充足的话，加上一个小的让步段，显得更严谨些。
结尾最好避免however, on the contrary之类的词语，会忽然让人对你的整个基调产生疑问，削弱你已有的论证

sophywUID: 203712

多谢victoriazhizhi，受益匪浅，我想今后会在你说的方面加强的，呵呵。

再次感谢

fhxyweiUID: 157384

模考能写成这么字，不错了，不过文章看得好晕：）

[ Last edited by fhxywei on 2005-6-13 at 22:01 ]