Issue154 我的第一篇,请狠狠地拍,谢谢:)

paopaofynUID: 2124302

154"Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators."


提纲：
父母不应该干涉教育，因为（1）不可能全心全意的（2）会溺爱孩子，舍不得打骂（3）不够专业
而professional educators (1)专业（2）客观（3）全身心
parents should
(1)choose the right professional educators
(2) play the role of educators as parents in home
(3) communicate with the PA 不时地，to know the progress of the children, and give advice to the PA


Once there was a mother who loved her son so much that she gave her son everything he wanted. One day her son cannot be satisfied with what she gave him. So he committed crimes to get what he wanted. Her mother could not stop him because she don not want her son to go to the prison. Finally, her son was sentenced to death. Before he was killed, he told his mother that he hated her. Why a mother, loved her son so much, just got the hate and death of her son?

Love should be sane. But I do not think parents’ love can be, the example above can prove. So I do not think the parents and the cimmunities should be involved in the local school. The education in schools should just leave to the professional educators.

In the most cases, for instance, the parents may not let their children do any housework, because the children tell them that we are busing doing their homework. Next time, it is possible that, when the children are asked to do the housework, they may lie with the same reason when they do not want to, while the parents know nothing. The children just benifit from the love and care of their parents.The case will be the same when a parents meet a problem of the education of their chldren.

When the kids, focusing on what they are interested in, do not want to study the classes they do not like, but what the parents will do? It is possible that they will be worried so much that they do not know what to do. Even if the parents know what to do, perhaps the way they solve the problem is not very good due to their lack of professional knowledge of education. Moreover, if the children need to work harder to achieve something or for their future, the parents might just love their children so much that they may do not want them to suffer more. So it is likely that the parents will feel puzzled whether it is right to be strict with their children.

As for professional educators, the case will be totally different. They are highly educated and experienced with how to solve various problems they may meet, without too much personal emotion involved in.

Furthermore, besides to bring up their children, the parents have more things to do. They have to earn enough money to raise all the family, especially the education fee of their children,and to have their own spare time to have fun and so on. However, the job of a profession educator is to better the education of the children. If not, then they might be fired. So they will do their best to give the best education to the children.

In sum, the parents as a home "educator", can just, from what they say and what they do, play the role of a parent and teach their children at home . And choose the right professional educators for their children and leave them in the school for the professional education. Also the interaction between them will be neccessary.

azaleaUID: 196122

提纲：
父母不应该干涉教育，因为（1）不可能全心全意的（2）会溺爱孩子，舍不得打骂（3）不够专业
而professional educators (1)专业（2）客观（3）全身心
parents should
(1)choose the right professional educators
(2) play the role of educators as parents in home
(3) communicate with the PA 不时地，to know the progress of the children, and give advice to the PA


Once there was a mother who loved her son so much that she gave her son everything he wanted. One day her son cannot[could not注意时态统一] be satisfied with what she gave him. So he committed crimes to get what he wanted. Her mother could not stop him because she don[did] not want her son to go to the prison[2个分句好像没因果关系:(]. Finally, her son was sentenced to death. Before he was killed, he told his mother that he hated her. Why a mother, loved her son so much, just got the hate [hatred]and death of her son?
开头很新颖 不过再精练点比较好

Love should be sane. But I do not think parents’ love can be, the example above can prove. So I do not think [不用反复强调u think啦 读者知道你在述说你的观点呀:)]the parents and the cimmunities[communities你前面的例子以及后面的论述都和community无关 所以这里还是不要写] should be involved in the local school[in local schools是泛指]. The education in schools should just leave[be left] to the professional educators.

In the most cases, for instance, the parents may not let their children do any housework, because the children tell them that we[they因为是转述] are busing[busy] doing their homework. Next time, it is possible that, when the children are asked to do the housework, they may lie with the same reason when they do not want to, while the parents know nothing. The children just benifit[benefit呵呵未必是benefit哦 可以用temporarily] from the love and care of their parents.The case will be the same when a[去掉a] parents meet a problem of the education of their chldren.

When the kids, focusing on what they are interested in, do not want to study the classes they do not like, but[去掉but] what the parents will do? It is possible that they will be worried so much that they do not know what to do. Even if the parents know what to do, perhaps the way they solve the problem is not very good due to their[the] lack of professional knowledge of education. Moreover, if the children need to work harder[hard 没有比较对象是不要用比较级] to achieve something or for their future, the parents might just love their children so much that they may do not want them to suffer more. So it is likely that the parents will feel puzzled whether it is right to be strict with their children.

As for professional educators, the case will be totally different.[恩在这句过渡很赞！] They are highly educated and experienced with[in] how to solve various problems they may meet, without too much personal emotion involved in.

Furthermore, besides to bring[besides bringing，besides是prep.] up their children, the parents have more[additional] things to do. They have to earn enough money to raise all the family, especially [to pay]the education fee of their children,and to have their own spare time to have fun and so on. However, the job of a profession[-al] educator is to better[carry out good education of原来的表达有些古怪] the education of the children. If not, then they might be fired[then they have not fully carried out their responsibility]. So they will do their best to give the best education to the children.

In sum, the[可以不用the泛指] parents as a home "educator", can just, from what they say and what they do, play the role of a parent[parents前后一致] and teach their children at home . And choose the right professional educators for their children and leave them in the school for the professional education. Also the interaction between them will be neccessary. [这句话是很好的观点 但是不要放在结论里]

[全文写得有些幼稚 :P我的意思是 你的论述仅仅是你的观点 没有足够的依据来支持 你说父母不能给孩子很好的professional education 但没有确切给出原因 你说父母只会着急 没有点明 其中的原因是父母会不自觉的溺爱孩子 无法客观的评价他们

不过第一篇写到这样很不错啦 继续努力！
还有就是疑似跑题的问题 上次和你说了 这里就不多说了]

paopaofynUID: 2124302

154"Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators."

提纲：
1、父母不应该干涉教育
（1）        不可能全心全意的（2）会溺爱孩子，舍不得打骂（3）不够专
2、应该是professional educators干涉学校教育
(1)        专业（2）客观（3）全身心
3、parents should
(1)choose the right professional educators
(2) play the role of educators as parents in home
(3) communicate with the professional educators，to know the progress of the children, and give advice to the PA

Once there was a mother who loved her son so much that she gave her son everything he wanted. One day her son could not be satisfied with what she gave him. So he committed crimes to get what he wanted. When the mother knew what her son had done, she did not stop him, for she did not want her son to go to the prison. Finally, her son was sentenced to death. Before he was killed, he told his mother that he hated her. Why a mother, loved her son so much, just got the hate and the death of her son?

Love should be sane. But I do not think parents’ love can be, the example above can prove. So the parents and the cimmunities, in my view, should be involved in the local schools. The education in schools should just be left to the professional educators.

For instance, when the children tell them that they are busy doing their homework, in most cases, the parents may not let their children do any housework. Next time, it is very likely that, the children may lie with the same reason when they do not want to, when the children are asked to do the housework, while the parents know nothing. The children just benefit from the love and care of their parents.The case will be the same when parents meet a problem of the education of their chldren.

When the kids, focusing on what they are interested in, do not want to study the classes they do not like,  what the parents will do? It is possible that they will be worried so much that they do not know what to do. Even if the parents know what to do, perhaps the way they solve the problem is not very good due to the lack of professional knowledge of education. Moreover, if the children need to work hard to achieve something or for their future, the parents might just love their children so much that they may do not want them to suffer more. So it is likely that the parents will feel puzzled whether it is right to be strict with their children.

As for professional educators, the case will be totally different. They are highly educated and experienced in how to solve various problems they may meet, without too much personal emotion involved in.

Furthermore, besides bringing up their children, the parents have more additional things to do. They have to earn enough money to raise all the family, especially  to pay the education fee of their children,and to have their own spare time to have fun and so on. However, the job of a professional educator is to carry out good education of the education of the children. If not, then they might be fired, when they have not fully carried out their responsibilities. So they will do their best to give the best education to the children.

Also the interaction between them will be neccessary. Parents can just, as a home "educator", play the role of parents, teach their children at home from what they say and what they do, and choose the right professional educators for their children. They two should communicate with each other temporarily about the children’s current situations. Such as, the progress the children have made, or the weaknesses that they have to pay attiton to. Or if the parents met something that they do not know how to deal with, they can just ask for the professional educators. In turn, the professional educators can know more about their students more from their parents, then they can find the right way to teach their students.

In sum, the parents should not be involed in local schools for theeir love sometimes is not sane. What they should do is to choose the good professtional educators for their children and play the role of parents in home.

azaleaUID: 196122

先占座

azaleaUID: 196122

大概看了下 觉得改动不是很大呀 恩 觉得还是有跑题问题
最好重新改下结构吧  应该提到 community的作用

nekoUID: 162772

taken
我先看看别人改的先
我补充~

nekoUID: 162772

看完了 改后的版本也看完了
几个建议:
1. 多去看看范文 你的文章长得不象issue
2. 我没有看出你有明显的逻辑层次 issue不是4,6级作文 它需要有一个完整的思路和框架 不是想哪走哪的流水帐
3. 你的文章写走了题 原题中的communities完全没有提到 我不知道你是题目没有完全理解还是破题的重点有点状况
4. 你的提纲包含的东西太多 我估计你想要说的那些你45min中绝对写不完 而且你提纲里不是所有的东西都跟题目说的有关
5. 我看到有语法错误 拼写错误 下次写完了先放到word里把红红绿绿的错误改完了再发上来好吗

作为第一篇其实写得还算okay
但是怎么看感觉还只是停留在4,6级的水平上
我说的不单是语言的问题 而是从文章结构和段内逻辑里看出来的
中文留下的痕迹非常之重
多看多写

还有2个月 应该还有很大的提高空间
加油

paopaofynUID: 2124302

刚坐火车回到上海，过完年，要加油了
谢谢你们:)