Argument2 我的第一篇AW 请大家评估一下我的水平

sunjiezhixinUID: 2131686

Argument2

The following appeared in a letter sent by a committee of homeowners from the Deerhaven Acres to all homeowners in Deerhaven Acres.

"Seven years ago, homeowners in nearby Brookville community adopted a set of restrictions on how the community's yards should be landscaped and what colors the exteriors of homes should be painted. Since then, average property values have tripled in Brookville. In order to raise property values in Deerhaven Acres, we should adopt our own set of restrictions on landscaping and house-painting."

提纲：
1、指名论点错误之处。
2、细分论点的谬误之处：七年之前的做法未必适合现在；是不是真的因为规划一样才涨价；同样的风格是不是全部业主都能接受，完全照搬别人的做法是否可确保自己有同样的收益等等。
3、真正影响房屋价格的因素：基础设施、交通、学校、商店、地段、治安、整个经济环境，自己的特色等等。
4、小结：应整体考虑，而不是单凭片面就跟风，反而失去了自我，因该根据自己的优势和劣势制定自己的方案，提高小区综合整体水平。

The letter’s author has a false viewpoint, obviously, to looking a whole desert on a hand of sands. The causes that make the price of the houses in a community raising could not be in a simple way. The trend of the houses’ price usually is influenced by a great number of diathesis.

Therefore, first of all, no one could say that the real causations of the success of Brookville merely due to that they have the same gardens and alike house colors. Second, the brilliant of Brookville has come from seven years ago, and people’s taste and world view at that time were widely divergent from up to the minute styles. People especially young blood would prefer to emphasis their own individualities more than in an order as known, forasmuch living in a restricted homestead is boring, tiresome, afflictive things to them. Finally, even if the set of restrictions of Brookville was the exacted reason about their tripled property values and all of the homeowners in Deerhaven Acres would like to unify their yards and houses external color, the property values, completely different locus, environment, economic conditions know from the former community, would unfathomable to assure the price speediness raising.

The real reasons which makes the property values of a community went up continually, just like that if there are convenient shops or big supermarkets, developed transit systems and subway and bus services, plenty schools that ensure the children have good education, and etcaeteras aspects about the surrounding and basic construction which could make the living convenient and comfortable, are the main factors which would be considered principally by potential homeowners. The safety condition and the locality of the community, and above all, are as important as the upper reasons. The inimitable advantages and characteristics make a community charming as much also.

The committee of the Deerhaven Acres could find some better ways excepted imitate Brookville to augment their property values. To do this, they must find the true reasons about their lower house price fist of all. A series of program must be established through synthetically consider about all of the predominance and disadvantages of their community. The property values would be sharp raising when the all and the one strength were strong improved.

第一次写AW，整整憋了两天写出来的。
错误肯定特别多，但我不知道在哪儿，
请各位大侠们仗义执言，给小女子一点方向感。

[ 本帖最后由 sunjiezhixin 于 2006-3-15 18:53 编辑 ]

Gardenia-2005UID: 2135942

The letter’s author has a false viewpoint, obviously, to looking a whole desert on a hand of sands. The causes that make the price of the houses in a
community raising could not be in a simple way. The trend of the houses’
price usually is influenced by a great number of diathesis.

Therefore,therefore这里用不必要 first of all, no one could say that the real causations causes of the
success of Brookville merely due to that they have the same gardens and
alike house colors. 然后呢，那是有可能因为什么写出来啊 Second, the brilliant of Brookville has come from seven
years ago, and people’s taste and world view at that time were widely
divergent from up to the minute styles. People especially young blood would prefer to emphasis their own individualities more than 有了prefer to就不需要more than 了 in an order as known,
forasmuch living in a restricted homestead is boring, tiresome, afflictive
things to them. Finally, even if the set of restrictions of Brookville was the
exacted exact reason about their tripled property values and all of the
homeowners in Deerhaven Acres would like to unify their yards and houses
external color, the property values, completely different locus, environment, economic conditions know from the former community, would
unfathomable to assure the price speediness raising. 错误类比的错误用的篇幅太少，给人感觉泛泛而谈，这一类错误是很重要的错误，有时甚至需要用一段来加以展开的

The real reasons which makes make 这是语法错误the property values of a community went up go up用在这里表示什么意思？
continually, just like that if there are convenient shops or big supermarkets,
developed transit systems and subway and bus services, plenty schools that ensure the children have good education, and etcaeteras这是什么词? aspects about the surrounding and basic construction which could make the living convenient
and comfortable, are the main factors which would be considered principally by potential homeowners. 很长的长句，也存在严重的语法问题，搂主把句子主干挑出来看看吧The safety condition and the locality location of the
community, and above all, are as important as the upper reasons. The
inimitable advantages and characteristics make a community charming as
much also.这一段说的是作者忽略了其他的可行方式，但是表达上感觉有些诡异，可能是我看惯了带模板的文章，所以觉得搂主的表达不太让人舒服
The committee of the Deerhaven Acres could find some better ways
excepted imitate except imitating Brookville to augment their property values. To do this, they must find the true reasons about their lower house price fist of all. A series of program must be established through synthetically consider about all of
the predominance and disadvantages of their community. The property
values would be sharp raising when the all and the one strength were
strong improved.结尾太罗嗦
逻辑错误楼主都找到了，但是文章的结构有很大的问题：第二段主要批驳B地区地产增值的原因有可能不是它所制定的一系列规定，然后具体反驳方法是提出一系列质疑来证明作者论断的不可靠，这一点做得不错，如果能在阐述一下其他可能导致地产增值的原因就更好了，但是最致命的缺点在于，楼主在专门来批驳B的问题时候又引入了错误类比的问题，这样的问题最好用一段来专门说，不然你的第一段就象是在阐述两个主题，显得相当混乱，第二段就像我说的，存在着表达方式的问题。
文章只写了四段，出于一个想拼命讨好考官的人的迂腐想法，我个人偏好五段式，另外楼主的表达让我感觉很难懂，有一些词语用得比较诡异，还有一些语法错误，我就不一一指出了，这些都是楼铸币需要改进的方面，建议楼主多看看坛子里其他人，尤其是要考试的人的东西，会有许多帮助

sunjiezhixinUID: 2131686

太感谢了！
看来得开始好好努力啦！
非常感谢Gardenia_2005的意见，
好像找到了一点方向感啊！