topic 166 by xizzhu 欢迎拍砖---大家改后留下琏接

xizzhuUID: 2195156

topic 166.
People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.

It is not only age but also experience that makes people adults.  The world looks at people as adults when they have had certain experiences.  These experiences include graduating from school, having a job, and getting married.

Graduating from college is like graduating into adulthood.  When a person finishes school, she is no longer dependent on her parents economically.  She is prepared to earn her own living.  She is experienced enough to make decisions about what kind of job she wants.  She is ready to be on her own.

Getting a job definitely makes a person into an adult.  A person with a job supports himself.  He has responsibilities at work that he must fulfill.  Unlike a child, he can't cry or complain to his parents if he doesn't like something about his job.  He has to work it out with his boss and coworkers, or learn to tolerate it.  The world looks on a job holder as a responsible person.

When a person gets married, she has made a final step into adulthood.  She is no longer responsible only to herself; she is also responsible to her spouse and children.  She has to be mature enough to make sacrifices for them and to love them unconditionally.  She is also now considered old enough to take care of her parents when they need it.

The world looks on people as adults when they have had certain experiences.  These are experiences that give people the chance to be independent and responsible.

[ 本帖最后由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-16 14:12 编辑 ]

powerpycUID: 2180236

1.Graduating from college is like graduating into adulthood,很形象样.
2.economically貌似很多都用的finacially,不知道区别大不
3.Unlike a child, he can't cry or complain to his parents if he doesn't like something about his job.  He has to work it out with his boss and coworkers,中间加个连接the other way around是否更好些呢??


貌似还是简单句子多了点,可以用的从句/同位语/副词短语之类的,句子衔接用点连接词好些,说得不好就拍我哈

powerpycUID: 2180236

不过偶不知道你现在的情况需要不需要这些复杂的东东

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 powerpyc 于 2006-4-16 14:19 发表
不过偶不知道你现在的情况需要不需要这些复杂的东东

right now, i can tell you about that---不是必需.  把问题先说清楚第一位.  偶觉得"这些复杂的东东"特别适合于 "法典".  为了让别人找不到破绽.  only my persoanl opinion.

如果"长句"之语气付合文章,of course 坚决用.  ETS using "diction" and "consistency" talks about it.  语气也要连贯

another thing that we need to understand is called "Rhetorical Construction".     what is  it?  here is its definition.

I just found the definition of "Rhetorical Construction" by  ETS   in the book, called "The Official Guide GMAT VERBAL REVIEW ---- 11th Edition.

跟偶以前的 conception of "Rhetorical Construction" is totally differnt.  

ETS says:  Good sentence avoids constructions   that are awkward, wordy, redundant, imprecise, or unclear, even   when they are free of grammatical errors.

还举了一个例子:

GOOD:  Before we left on vacation, we watered the plants, checked to see that stove was off, and set the burglar alarm.

BAD:  Before we left on vacation, we watered, checked to be sure that the stove had been turned off, and set it.

when you write an essay,  you might need to know it.

[ 本帖最后由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-16 15:36 编辑 ]

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 powerpyc 于 2006-4-16 14:16 发表
1.Graduating from college is like graduating into adulthood,很形象样.
2.economically貌似很多都用的finacially,不知道区别大不
3.Unlike a child, he can't cry or complain to his parents if he doesn't ...

economically > financially   "financially" is related to only money. 除了问家里要钱就没别的了吗?

yes, i need to add something there.  thanks

[ 本帖最后由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-16 14:59 编辑 ]

powerpycUID: 2180236

see.偶准备看看TWE GUIDE了.68pages

powerpycUID: 2180236

确实很有启发KAKA

xinxinwUID: 2144273

稍微加点复杂句还是必要的
另外lz的文章中人称老变啊，一会儿he一会儿she

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 xinxinw 于 2006-4-17 08:42 发表
稍微加点复杂句还是必要的
另外lz的文章中人称老变啊，一会儿he一会儿she

不得已的办发, because i cannot always use either 'he' or 'she' through all my paper, and also i cannot use "he or she" , too. 用一次还可以八, 要是通篇都用 "he or she", 怕有凑字之嫌  finally, i feel two paragraphs use "she"; another one use "he", in that case, people should not complain about 'sexist'.

[ 本帖最后由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-18 02:19 编辑 ]

allisonUID: 192807

Graduating from college is like graduating into adulthood
我觉得这句有点问题，“graduating into adulthood"不大好吧
, she is no longer dependent on her parents economically.  She is prepared to earn her own living.  She is experienced enough to make decisions about what kind of job she wants.  She is ready to be on her own.
这几个句子建议用复杂句连起来， 太琐碎了
A person with a job supports himself --》supporting
she has made a final step into adulthood.  She is no longer responsible only to herself; she is also responsible to her spouse and children.  She has to be mature enough to make sacrifices for them and to love them unconditionally.  She is also now considered old enough to take care of her parents when they need it.
7RoC_:M
大单调了
建议楼主学几个复杂句型，不要老用简单句

wwonderyUID: 2159397

问题写的很清楚，不知道是不是看了ＥＴＳ的满分作文模仿的
第一段　look at ---->recognize
第三段　work out----> figure out
还有he or she 比较好来代表人们
总之混用不可取
段与段的衔接完全没有，要拿高分就很不好说了
谢谢帮我看文章

susan8940UID: 160449

It is not only age but also experience that makes people adults.  The world looks at(也可considers) people as adults when they have had certain experiences.  These experiences include(including) graduating from school, having a job, and getting married.

Graduating from college is like graduating into adulthood.  When a person finishes school, she is no longer dependent on her parents economically(这句有些奇怪,可改为she no longer economically depends on her parents).  She is(has been) prepared to earn her own living.  She is(has been) experienced enough to make decisions about what kind of job she wants.  She is ready to be on her own.

Getting a job definitely makes a person into an adult. ( A person) with a job supports(supporting) himself.  He(a person) has responsibilities at work that he must fulfill.  Unlike a child, he can't cry or complain to his parents if he doesn't like something about his job.  He has to work it out with his boss and coworkers, or learn to tolerate it.  The world looks on a job holder as a responsible person.

When a person gets married, she has made a final step into adulthood.  She is no longer(not only) responsible only to herself; she is(but) also responsible to her spouse and children.  She has to be mature enough to make sacrifices for them and to love them unconditionally.  She is also now considered old enough to take care of her parents when they need it(her)

The world looks on people as adults when they have had certain experiences.  These are experiences that give people the chance to be independent and responsible
一点愚见:)
我的作文,欢迎修改:
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

清荷才露UID: 2163929

It is not only age but also experience that makes people adults.  The world looks at people as adults when they have had certain experiences.  These experiences include graduating from school, having a job, and getting married.

Graduating from college is like graduating into adulthood.  When a person finishes school, she is no longer dependent on her parents economically.  She is prepared to earn her own living.  She is experienced enough to make decisions about what kind of job she wants.  She is ready to be on her own.

Getting a job definitely makes a person into an adult.  A person with a job supports himself.  He has responsibilities at work that he must fulfill.  Unlike a child, he can't cry or complain to his parents if he doesn't like something about his job.  He has to work it out with his boss and coworkers, or learn to tolerate it.  The world （似乎用society比较好，personal opinion. :P） looks on (judges or regards?) a job holder as a responsible person.

When a person gets married, she has made a final step into adulthood.  She is no longer responsible only to herself; she is also responsible to her spouse and children.  She has to be mature enough to make sacrifices for them and to love them unconditionally.  She is also now considered old enough to take care of her parents when they need it (her).The world looks on people as adults when they have had certain experiences.  These are experiences that give people the chance to be independent and responsible.

都用she作为代词可以吗？是不是用复数会更好呢？
还有文章的连接词用得不够，不是特别连贯。

here is mine which has been recomposed
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 wwondery 于 2006-4-17 11:58 发表
问题写的很清楚，不知道是不是看了ＥＴＳ的满分作文模仿的
第一段　look at ---->recognize
第三段　work out----> figure out
还有he or she 比较好来代表人们
总之混用不可取
段与段的衔接完全没有， ...

thanks.   "recognize" had been shown in the topic, thus, 没敢用;   "work out: 解决, 干",        "figure out: 想出八".  

well, frankly, i don't often use "transition words" if i can control this topic; otherwise, i use those a lot.   in this topic, i feel i could use another way which is much better than to use transition words, here is my explanation of my 段与段的衔接:  what i did are:

1. It is not only age but also experience that makes people adults.  The world looks at people as adults when they have had certain experiences.  These experiences include graduating from school, having a job, and getting married.

Graduating from college is like ..

2. Graduating from college is like graduating into adulthood.  When a person finishes school, she is no longer dependent on her parents economically.  She is prepared to earn her own living.  She is experienced enough to make decisions about what kind of job she wants.  She is ready to be on her own.

Getting a job definitely makes a person into an adult.

3. Getting a job definitely makes a person into an adult.  A person with a job supports himself.  He has responsibilities at work that he must fulfill.  Unlike a child, he can't cry or complain to his parents if he doesn't like something about his job.  He has to work it out with his boss and coworkers, or learn to tolerate it.  The world looks on a job holder as a responsible person.

When a person gets married, she has made a final step into adulthood.  She is no longer responsible only to herself;

i don't know your definition of "间单句".   i  did use 间单句, but usually, i write only one 间单句 in a paragraph.  for example: (in paragraph 2, i only use one 间单句, which is a topic sentence).  

She is prepared to earn her own living.  She is experienced enough to make decisions about what kind of job she wants.  She is ready to be on her own.

in my eyes, those three sentences are not 间单句 when they are woking together with each other.

欢迎拍砖

thanks a lot.  i am going to read some "difficult structure pattern".   to be honest with your guys, i've read a lot of essays graded 6,  hardly find an essay consisting of 复杂句.  maybe we need to clear the concept of 复杂句.  偶把握不好那些"复杂句". 努力.

[ 本帖最后由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-18 05:22 编辑 ]

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 allison 于 2006-4-17 11:24 发表
Graduating from college is like graduating into adulthood
我觉得这句有点问题，“graduating into adulthood"不大好吧
, she is no longer dependent on her parents economically.  She is prepared  ...

thanks!  :)

She is no longer responsible only to herself; she is also responsible to her spouse and children.  这是一组.  分号联的.

She has to be mature enough to make sacrifices for them and to love them unconditionally.  She is also now considered old enough to take care of her parents when they need it.  这也是一组呀.

in my knowlege, those are not 简单句.  Maybe we have a different definition of "简单句"