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这里就改包子同学的文章了,作为本期同主题的修改例文
TOPIC: ARGUMENT142 - The article entitled 'Eating Iron' in last month's issue of Eating for Health reported that a recent study found a correlation between high levels of iron in the diet and an increased risk of heart disease. Further, it is well established that there is a link between large amounts of red meat in the diet and heart disease, and red meat is high in iron. On the basis of the study and the well-established link between red meat and heart disease, we can conclude that the correlation between high iron levels and heart disease, then, is most probably a function of the correlation between red meat and heart disease.
Outline: 1. 质疑研究中的correlation, 由于研究的样本的可靠性没有被提及, 例如年龄,身体状况,遗传因素。(这里应该是在质疑研究本身,而不是correlation吧?样本的可靠性在这里质疑是不合适的,因为作者并没有说the article的细节,所以有可能那篇文章是提供了大量样本的,而作者只是借鉴了一个结论。我们平时写作文也喜欢说些"as xxx claims(and I paraphrase)"来引述牛人观点,问题是我们只会说这些人怎么牛"a master in xxxx""my best professor"...,而不会说这为牛人在做了大量研究和调查以后这么说。)
2.质疑作者的假设,红肉中的高铁引起心脏病,(作者没有直接提出这个假设, 因此在这里攻击时需要对作者的思路进行推敲和提炼) 但可能有其他的因素,例如胆固醇,以及其他矿物质,钙
3.质疑结论,the correlation between red meat and heart disease 决定了the correlation between high levels of iron and heart disease,(决定这个词用的不妥, 按我的理解, 如果不认为ets将function误用的话, 那么这两个关系的联系只能认为是"高铁导致高心脏病"这种现象是可以由"红肉导致心脏病"来进行解释和支持, 虽然也是种因为所以的关系, 但由于只是现象上, 所以不能用决定) 因为研究中的饮食中的铁可能容易吸收,相对肉中的铁(肉中的铁不被吸收,那么是什么导致心脏病?胆固醇?这样不是跟第二条一样了么),or 研究中的饮食中的铁来自肝脏,而不是肉类
(感觉你跟我理解这道题的方式不太一样, 主要集中在ETS对function这个词的解释上,细想之下你的理解也很有道理, 但相应地把题目又复杂化了, 因此会导致在论证过程中出现混乱, 特别是这个关系"决定"那个关系的理解上.)
Before claiming that the correlation between red meat and heart disease causes (causes=be the function of ? ) the correlation between high iron levels and heart disease, a complete examination is needed from several perspectives. The argument assumes that only high levels of iron in red meat result in heart disease without other some possible factors, which may have impaired the credibility of it.
First of all, the reliability and representative of study mentioned by the author is open to doubt. The author does not provide any information about the sample in the study, such as the age, gender, health conditions and genetic features, and so forth. If the majority of persons in study are the older people, then it is entirely possible that their own bad physical condition cause them to more easily suffer from heart disease, not relevant to their high levels of iron in diets. Or if all of persons in study come from the same area where there is generally high incidence of heart disease in group (due to the local gene, 为什么同地区没有代表性, 需要进一步解释), it is quite likely that these participants in the study natually have a higher risk of heart disease than others at a result of certain genetic accessibility in them to heart disease. Consequently, without considering the cases, the assertion that the high-iron diet in the study leads to heart disease is unreasonable. (reliability不等于representative, 后者只是前者中的一个小部分, 与其质疑作者压根没提的representative, 不如质问下这本杂志的可靠性. 由于攻击方向的问题, 给人感觉这段就是靠幻觉在攻击作者, 不清楚作者的研究方式就假设了他靠样本研究来得出这个因果关系. )
Moreover, even if red meat indeed causes heart disease (之前并没有提到red meat causes heart disease, 何来此让步?), the assumption that the reason why eating red meat can cause heart disease is due to (reason be the high iron levels, 此处due to多余) the high iron levels in it is unwarranted. In fact, there are some possible reasons like cholesterol and calcium involved in red meat, which (may) truly results in heart disease instead of iron in it. As is known to all, meats have high levels of cholesterol. (跟前面一句话意思重复, 多余) Then it is fully likely that when eating the normal amounts of red meat, people may fully transform (transform to what? fat?) the cholesterol and thus the physical fitness cannot be damaged. On the contrary, if people eat a large amount of red meat, the function of transforming cholesterol might have gone the maximum and thus there is a great deal of cholesterol reserving in the body. (这两句对你的论述有意义么? 说明胆固醇可以导致心脏病就行了, 不用累述它的工作原理, 特别是如此分情况讨论) Eventually, this causes blood vessels of body to thicken and stimulates heart disease. Clearly, under the case, the reason why red meat results in heart disease is not due to its high iron levels.
Finally, the conclusion that the correlation observed in the study is directly relevant to the correlation between red meat and heart disease is not persuasive. Do the high levels of iron in the diet in the study come from red meat? Is the form of iron in red meat same as those in the study? Clearly, the author does not afford any information about these respects(making us can sufficiently suspect that...需要指出这种错误如何破坏作者的结论). Actually, common sense tells us that the difference with oxidized condition of iron will determine whether it can be absorbed fully. Then it is rather probable that the high levels of iron in diets in the study come from animal liver containing a kind of iron that is the easiest absorbed form, and thus the amounts of iron assimilated stimulate heart disease. However, the iron in red meat is difficult to be absorbed due to the different oxidized form. Thus, the result resting on the study is not relevant to the correlation between red meat and heart disease.(这段的论证很充分, good job)
From what has been discussed above, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that the author's contention cannot convince us unless he or she can provide more information about the group of people in study and other possible dangerous factors of red meat causing heat disease.
各段间的逻辑关系不是很明确, 对于作者观点理解的解释也不太充分, 以至于我到最后一段才看懂你论证本题的角度. 象这样的难题需要对作者的错误进行一个整体的分析, 然后再进行具体的攻击, 或者在分点攻击中把作者的出发点说清楚, 从而做到段落间的连贯联系.
[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-2-26 11:50 编辑 ] |
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