argument117 同主题 限时再次失败，诚请大家互拍

kolu_renUID：158196

我来也，待批好后回来！

11yvetteUID：2102418

Although the business manager provides lots of specious facts to support his/her assertion, the hazy description of some key matters, the unreasonable conclusion merely from a trend and the irrational suggestion about stocks all demonstrate that the manager is both non-professional and overconfident.嗯,观点提得很清晰

At the very beginning, the manager uses "a recent survey" to support his/her assertion, however, it is rather suspicious. Who indeed did the survey? How many people were asked? What are their occupations? And how many feedbacks did the survey get? If the survey is designed unscientifically, if only a small group of people were included, if they are all restricted to a single work such as software designer and they only got [got or get?] an even smaller percent of feedbacks like less than twenty, then the survey itself would be totally meaningless for the office-supply departments since workers like software designer will not need these products they supply and a meaningless small group of people's opinions can not stand for the masses. If the manager wants to convince the superior, he/she must show more details about the survey.这段对于survey的置疑展开得很好

Then the manager points out the Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past and if they take advantage of the work-at-home trend they would probably profits a lot. However, the manager does not think about some more essential elements that can greatly influence the business, such as the price, the quality of their supplying products, the services they provide after sales and their workers' attitude at service. Even if the trend is really convincing and the trend is a big chance for the company, without good services they can provide, they could never benefit from it. What's more, the manager suggests about several home office machines which are not so realistic for all the workers to buy them. In fact, with a single removable hard drive and a computer, they can easily accomplish extra works had to be done at home thus they would not be willing to waste their salaries on so many machines. What is worse, the manager totally neglects other companies' competition. Therefore if the manager want to make benefit from the trend, he/she must firstly improve their services, investigates more detailed information about competitors and make it clear that what are the most necessities for home-workers [当时我写得时候就没有想到竞争之类的,赞.感觉也可以考虑:事实上,公司在办公用品部门的收益是最好的,在非常好的业绩之下想要有所提高是比较困难的;或者说,该部门的收益是稳步增长,虽然每一步都不是很明显,但是,积累下来,也许可以创公司业绩的新高.呵呵,其实,你现在这么反驳作者,已经是非常深入了,很多地方也是我可以借鉴的啊~~] .

Finally, the manager claims confidently that with changes he/she has suggested, the office-supply departments will become the "most" profitable component of stores. What a ridiculous assertion! Without a single piece of analysis about other parts of the store and their market conditions, even if the office-supply department did make substantial profits, it would be too boastful to say that.相比前两段,B3的论述有点一笔带过的感觉

In sum, the memo just provides some vague information to us and makes rather weak analysis thus makes the suggestion not so valuable and assertion not convincing at all.

看了全篇以后感觉就是B3薄弱了些,其他方面写得好!
如果是这样的话,建议B2中最后那一句(已划线)可以放到B3中再稍微具体论述一下,以及讲前面对于办公用品市场调查这一块也合在一起,第一,两者都是调查,对自己所经营产品的,以及对对手的了解方面,其二,这两点,对于B3中作者武断提出的结论也有很好的驳斥作用,同时,也将各段的展开平均了
呵呵,一家之言,欢迎讨论:handshake

11yvetteUID：2102418

看漏了,你说限时的好办法啊~~
我就用那个galaxysong编写的限时的写argument就感觉特别紧张,在那种状态下我就能限时,如果只用写字板,我一般都限不了时的...
对了,再多问一句:你限时的意思,包括对题目的思考吧?

GladysryUID：198609

恩！我写的时候的确没有注意到你提出的问题，我一直没能按时写完，所以总有虎头蛇尾的感觉。当时我只想到了竞争以及自己不同部门的利润比较，而没有想到他们两个可以合在一起（即调查是他们的同一点）， 显得段之间不平衡，展开也不利。

赫赫，明天再改改。谢谢！

btw,11yvette有什么限时的好方法没？我实在不知道该怎么办。sigh~

GladysryUID：198609

嗯？？？？  
难道有时差？等我发完了才出现你的回复。:L

谢谢了，我试试。+U+U！！！

kolu_renUID：158196

Although the business manager provides lots of specious facts to support his/her assertion, the hazy description of some key matters, the unreasonable conclusion merely from a trend and the irrational suggestion about stocks all demonstrate that the manager is both non-professional and overconfident.

At the very beginning, the manager uses "a recent survey" to support his/her assertion, however, it is rather suspicious. Who indeed did the survey? How many people were asked? What are their occupations? And how many feedbacks did the survey get? If the survey is designed unscientifically, if only a small group of people were included, if they are all restricted to a single work such as software designer and they only got a even smaller percent of feedbacks like less than twenty, then the survey itself would be totally meaningless for the office-supply departments since workers like software designer will not need these products they supply and a meaningless small group of people's opinions can not stand for the masses. If the manager wants to convince the superior, he/she must show more details about the survey.对于作调查提供的数据所做的驳斥，几个点都提到了，但感觉似乎用词不够简练，譬如sample size, reliability, the generalization drawn might not apply to most people等等，这些很多都是从范文中摘出来的。

Then the manager points out the Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past and if they take advantage of the work-at-home trend they would probably profits a lot. However, the manager does not think about some more essential elements that can greatly influence the business, such as the price, the quality of their supplying products, the services they provide after sales and their workers' attitude at service. Even if the trend is really convincing and the trend is a big chance for the company, without good services they can provide, they could never benefit from it. What's more, the manager suggests about several home office machines which are not so realistic for all the workers to buy them. In fact, with a single removable hard drive and a computer, they can easily accomplish extra works had to be done at home thus they would not be willing to waste their salaries on so many machines. What is worse, the manager totally neglects other companies' competition. Therefore if the manager want to make benefit from the trend, he/she must firstly improve their services, investigates more detailed information about competitors and make it clear that what are the most necessities for home-workers.首先售后服务包括员工态度，其次what is +a.的形式两者离得太近了，我同意楼上的意见可以把competition归并到B3写，同时B3还可以提出整体消费能力下降，虽然营业额没有上去但若从比率来看office-supply部门还是盈利最好的部门。

Finally, the manager claims confidently that with changes he/she has suggested, the office-supply departments will become the "most" profitable component of stores. What a ridiculous assertion! Without a single piece of analysis about other parts of the store and their market conditions, even if the office-supply department did make substantial profits, it would be too boastful to say that.

In sum, the memo just provides some vague information to us and makes rather weak analysis thus makes the suggestion not so valuable and assertion not convincing at all.

这是我的一些建议，你觉得呢?