作文想得7分得请进来

djconanUID: 2257634

帮我看看这个文章，请大家拍砖~
2005.6.18(crime)
Sending criminals to prison is not the effective method to deal with them. Education and job training should be used instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It can not be denied that there are an increasing number of people commit crimes when we entered the 21st century. In order to lead them onto the right path, a certain amount of criminals were sent to prison. In my opinion, this method sometimes is a little undue.

It is admitted that it is truism to say that put those who behave badly into prison. First of all, it is in the prison that could penalize them by making them do hard work or even sentencing them to death if it was a really serious crime. Secondly, only by putting them in prison can they realize how serious their misbehaviors were and even know what the results would be if they continue to do it. In addition, the purpose of building up the prison is not only for punishing culprits but also for educating those who are inclined to perpetrate a crime. For instance, if a teenager wants to steal money from a middle-aged woman, he may stop his misconducts after he saw those criminals being sent to prison.

However, some of the drawbacks of this method should not be overlooked. It is clear that the purpose of casting them into prison is to educate them and point them to the right direction. However, if we put every offender, no matter how old he/she is, into that small dark stuffy room, we may get the opposite result. Those young children who have not yet developed their value of world could not judge what is right or wrong. Thus they may be misled by others. Furthermore, some of the punishments are too severe for them to bear. A seven-year-old girl could not endure equally physical labor that an adult does. Thus, a better education or job training could help them reform.

In conclusion, it is true that putting criminals into prison is a good way to punish them, but it is doubtfully the best solution, especially to those juvenile delinquents. Therefore, the best solution, if there is one, is to combine these two methods together to deal with it and apply proper one to it at an appropriate time.

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

It can not be denied that there are an increasing number of people commit crimes when we entered the 21st century.（Why？在使用类似"it can not be denied that"这种语气的句子的时候，一定要注意自己所陈述的是否真的“can not be denied”，虽说IELTS重语言不重逻辑，不过能自圆其说岂不更好？） In order to lead them onto the right path, a certain amount of criminals were sent to prison. In my opinion, this method sometimes is a little undue.

It is admitted that it is truism to say that put those who behave badly into prison. First of all, it is in the prison that could penalize them by making them do hard work or even sentencing them to death if it was a really serious crime. Secondly, only by putting them in prison can they realize(make them realize) how serious their misbehaviors(misbehaviours) were and even know what the results would be if they continue to do it. In addition, the purpose of building up the prison is not only for punishing culprits but also for educating those who are inclined to perpetrate a crime. For instance, if a teenager wants to steal money from a middle-aged woman, he may stop his misconducts after he saw those criminals being sent to prison.

However, some of the drawbacks of this method should not be overlooked. It is clear that the purpose of casting them into prison is to educate them and point them to the right direction. However, if we put every offender, no matter how old he/she is, into that small dark stuffy room, we may get the opposite result. (这里最好举几个例子)Those young children who have not yet developed their value of world could not judge what is right or wrong. Thus they may be misled by others. Furthermore, some of the punishments are too severe for them to bear. A seven-year-old girl（seventeen-years-old??） could not endure equally physical labor(labour) that an adult does. Thus, a better education or job training could help them reform.

In conclusion, it is true that putting criminals into prison is a good way to punish them, but it is doubtfully the best solution, especially to those juvenile delinquents. Therefore, the best solution, if there is one, is to combine these two methods together to deal with it and apply proper one to it at an appropriate time.

总的感觉，选的例子不是很好，语句似乎也不太通顺，可以再花点时间改进。


[ 本帖最后由 夜空的彼方 于 2007-8-17 00:12 编辑 ]

seadreamlvUID: 2218440

LZ貌似很喜欢用It is XXX that...
句式有些更灵活的变化会比较好……
还有一点小小的错误， First of all, it is in the prison that could penalize them by making them do hard work or even sentencing them to death if it was a really serious crime.
应该是 it was really a serious crime吧？！

67169619UID: 2320695

:victory:

joosy1986UID: 2382737

句式变化不多呀.......

djconanUID: 2257634

我这个能得几分呢？

orangezhangUID: 2375595

羡慕ing~~~写得很好的说！

djconanUID: 2257634

好么？我怎么觉得我写得不怎么样啊

djconanUID: 2257634

:) 是什么意思？好还是不好？

H-KevinUID: 2182070

他这种是在灌纯水，不用理会，我把他删了

原帖由 zishanchong 于 2007-8-18 21:40 发表
:)

[ 本帖最后由 H-Kevin 于 2007-8-19 01:00 编辑 ]

ypandaUID: 2375733

写的不错 嗯呢 比我强多了