〓DIES IN FLAMS〓 Issue30 by cjlu

cjluUID: 2448066

    “More efficiency, more leisure.” It has been an advertisement for a brand of watch. People’s efficiency has actually improved in the contemporary era, but according to many surveys, less and less people say that they got more leisure time and had a happier life. More efficiency leads to more leisure? No. Maybe the technological advancement brings people’s efficiency, but efficiency may not bring us the leisure time and happiness.
    In the general condition, the improvement of the efficiency in unit time will shorten the time length that used to accomplish a task if the total amount of work is not changed. It means that along with the development of the technology, people can finish a piece of work in five or four hours which may cost 8 hours in the past time. If so, people can make good use of the extra time to take relax or do things they like, which, may bring them the feeling of pleasure. In the Qing Dynasty, Emperor Qianlong has ever given the order to compile a book called A Complete Set of Classical books in four divisions. For this voluminous book, he convened 1,000 intellectual to arrange and copy the ancient books during almost 10 years. Presumably, the drab and long time of copy will lead to mistakes and loopholes directly. Even so, the book, which contains 79,337 volumes, is still like an “impossible task” at that age. But in the contemporary era, this heavy task can be finished in one month by dozens of technical men, with the use of photocopy machine, typesetting machine and the decoration machine. This kind of huge compression of time will not become a reality without the appearance of new technologies. Let’s assume that if this kind of technology can be used in the Qing Dynasty, the time which the intellectuals spend on copy will be saved and then it can be used to do some more meaningful researches or even travel around to enjoy the leisure.
    However, we can’t simply assert that the efficiency improvement will leads to more leisure because though the unit time efficiency has improved, the total amount of work improved at the same time. The only thing that didn’t change is the length of working time. In this sense, people lost more enjoyment than before because of the intense competition and life rhythm instead of getting more leisure and recreation. The efficiency has been improved, but the price we paid for is the quality of life. The biggest challenge we modern people face is the longer overtime and higher working strength. According to a survey, which is made by Japan Ministry of Health, Welfare and Labor, some 355 workers fell severely ill or died from overwork in 2006 to March. Among the dead 147 people, many from strokes or heart attacks. And it’s only a very small percentage of that total, more and more people are haunted by undue pressure, insomnia, anxiety and giddiness. The sub-health has been an general lifestyle of many city slicker, they lost the time and mood to enjoy a easy life.
    And the improvement of efficiency also brings the decrease of post, which tending directly to the intensified competition. Therefore, people always choose to “charge themselves”, to study skills or take part in the career seminars, without it, one may can’t catch up with the path of the times. Rather than bring them the pleasure, the efficiency exacerbated weariness.
    What has the technology improvement bring to us? More leisure or more fatigue? It may brought more to our society but not ourselves.

ddcmj519UID: 176326

   “More efficiency, more leisure.” It has been an advertisement for a brand of watch. People’s efficiency has actually improved in the contemporary era, but according to many surveys, less and less people say that they got more leisure time and had a happier life. y语法是好的，时态有点问题More efficiency leads to more leisure?前后3句话都是一个意思。重复率太高。。 No. Maybe the technological advancement brings people’s efficiency, but efficiency may not bring us the leisure time and happiness.

   In the general condition, the improvement of the efficiency in unit time will shorten the time length that used to accomplish a task if the total amount of work is not changed. 这个It means that along with the development of the technology, people can finish a piece of work in five or four hours which may cost 8 hours in the past time. If so, people can make good use of the extra time to take relax or do things they like, which, may bring them the feeling of pleasure. In the Qing Dynasty, Emperor Qianlong has ever given the order to compile a book called A Complete Set of Classical books in four divisions. For this voluminous book, he convened 1,000 intellectual to arrange and copy the ancient books during almost 10 years. Presumably, the drab and long time of copy will lead to mistakes and loopholes directly. Even so, the book, which contains 79,337 volumes, is still like an “impossible task” at that age. 例子太冗长，导致中心不突出But in the contemporary era, this heavy task can be finished in one month by dozens of technical men, with the use of photocopy machine, typesetting machine and the decoration machine. This kind of huge compression of time will not become a reality without the appearance of new technologies. Let’s assume that if this kind of technology can be used in the Qing Dynasty, the time which the intellectuals spend on copy will be saved and then it can be used to do some more meaningful researches or even travel around to enjoy the leisure.  这里的问题在与你提出的是一个无根据假设，这样并不能使人信服。而且，就算节省了时间，按照当时的情况，可能有leisure time么？可能会有research么？可能。。？这都是你需要而没有讨论的东西。

    However, we can’t simply assert that the efficiency improvement will leads to more leisure because though the unit time efficiency has improved, the total amount of work improved at the same time. The only thing that didn’t change is the length of working time. 为什么不变？In this sense, people lost more enjoyment than before because of the intense competition and life rhythm 不太对 instead of getting more leisure and recreation. The efficiency has been improved, but the price we paid for is the quality of life. The biggest challenge we modern people face is the longer overtime and higher working strength.为什么？ According to a survey, which is made by Japan Ministry of Health, Welfare and Labor, some 355 workers fell severely ill or died from overwork in 2006 to March. Among the dead 147 people, many from strokes or heart attacks. And it’s only a very small percentage of that total, more and more people are haunted by undue pressure, insomnia, anxiety and giddiness. The sub-health has been an general lifestyle of many city slicker, they lost the time and mood to enjoy a easy life. 为什么？ 为什么e上升会导致health问题，根本原因？有什么关联？有因有果。希望能深入讨论给出全面的解释，不然这样的文章大概就是3-的分数。。所有问题都只是停留在表层叙述，推出的结果不给予证明。。

    And the improvement of efficiency also brings the decrease of post, which tending directly to the intensified competition. 为什么？Therefore, people always choose to “charge themselves”, to study skills or take part in the career seminars, without it, one may can’t catch up with the pace of the times. Rather than bring them the pleasure, the efficiency exacerbated weariness. 为什么？为什么要去充电，为什么充了电就能跟上时代，为什么充电就意味着以后再没有l time（难说高升了以后呢？），为什么e 会带来竞争？讨论还需要深入哇~

    What has the technology improvement bring to us? More leisure or more fatigue? It may brought more to our society but not ourselves.这句话就是前文完全米涉及的一个东西。。飞出来这么一句还真是突然哇。。就不一串为什么了。总的来说这篇文章就是缺乏深入的讨论因果问题。给出的假设也没能很好的证明。希望在下笔前多多思考~思考才是ISSUE的重头~
+u~

天天添添UID: 2599433

第一段：以一个广告词引出，然后直奔观点，没有那种僵硬模板的味道。
第二段：主要问题两个。1.四库全书的例子用的不好。不是说这个例子没有说服力，而是美国人可能对这个事情不熟悉。 2.不应该在这一段提leisuretime的问题。因为下一段完全在论述技术不会带来更多leisure time，这一段要提都要提成：should have more leisure time，文中这种提法给人感觉专得太仓促。
感觉作者还可以在提高效率这个问题上多挖以下
第三段: 中间逻辑连接有点问题, 在文中已具体指出.感觉作者有些地方写得太过武断, 就是技术进步一定会带来生活质量的下降. 事实上现在比马克斯时代要好太多太多.
第四段: 有点仓促



实在受不了网站那个编辑功能,就在附件上传了

winning1030UID: 2538401

“More efficiency, more leisure.” It has been an advertisement for a brand of watch. [/color]（开头很新颖，但是和你后面的一句没有过渡，加上如，似乎，大多数人都认为e带来了更多的lt，但是。。。接你后面那句）People’s efficiency has actually improved in the contemporary era, but according to many surveys, less and less people say that they got more leisure time and had a happier life. More efficiency leads to more leisure? No. Maybe the technological advancement brings people’s efficiency, but efficiency may not bring us the leisure time and happiness.
    In the general condition, the improvement of the efficiency in unit time will shorten the time length that used to accomplish a task if the total amount of work is not changed. It means that along with the development of the technology, people can finish a piece of work in five or four hours which may cost 8 hours in the past time. If so, people can make good use of the extra time to take relax or do things they like, which, may bring them the feeling of pleasure. In the Qing Dynasty, Emperor Qianlong has ever given the order to compile a book called A Complete Set of Classical books in four divisions. For this voluminous book, he convened 1,000 intellectual to arrange and copy the ancient books during almost 10 years. Presumably, the drab and long time of copy will lead to mistakes and loopholes directly. Even so, the book, which contains 79,337 volumes, is still like an “impossible task” at that age. But in the contemporary era, this heavy task can be finished in one month by dozens of technical men, with the use of photocopy machine, typesetting machine and the decoration machine. This kind of huge compression of time will not become a reality without the appearance of new technologies. Let’s assume that if this kind of technology can be used in the Qing Dynasty, the time which the intellectuals spend on copy will be saved and then it can be used to do some more meaningful researches or even travel around to enjoy the leisure. （例子需要精简）  
  However, we can’t simply assert that the efficiency improvement will leads to more leisure because though the unit time efficiency has improved, the total amount of work improved at the same time. The only thing that didn’t change is the length of working time. In this sense, people lost more enjoyment than before because of the intense competition and life rhythm instead of getting more leisure and recreation. The efficiency has been improved, but the price we paid for is the quality of life. The biggest challenge we modern people face is the longer overtime and higher working strength. According to a survey, which is made by Japan Ministry of Health, Welfare and Labor, some 355 workers fell severely ill or died from overwork in 2006 to March. Among the dead 147 people, many from strokes or heart attacks. And it’s only a very small percentage of that total, more and more people are haunted by undue pressure, insomnia, anxiety and giddiness. The sub-health has been an general lifestyle of many city slicker, they lost the time and mood to enjoy a easy life. （建议由lt引起的亚健康略写点或者加个递进，lt不仅减少了还给人类带来了恶果，不过还是建议略写，毕竟该段只要论证lt没有增加，不要太扩展，实在想写，放到你下一段，正好是说e带来的副作用的）   
And the improvement of efficiency also brings the decrease of post, which tending directly to the intensified competition. Therefore, people always choose to “charge themselves”, to study skills or take part in the career seminars, without it, one may can’t catch up with the path of the times. Rather than bring them the pleasure, the efficiency exacerbated weariness.
    What has the technology improvement bring to us? More leisure or more fatigue? It may brought more to our society but not ourselves.（结尾再考虑下吧，本人认为你没有把最后一句解释清楚）


语言很流畅，你分析清楚了E不能带来更多的lt，但我觉得你没有挖深，作文想出彩，往比较宏大的主题想吧，不要仅仅只是把题目驳倒了了，更要提出自己的意见。（我也蛮欠缺这一点）加油了，亲~~~together~!