【Daily Writing作文特训小组】放飞的小鸟—作文贴！鼓励加油必胜

lisq9989UID：2110509

新开作文贴，从此加入特训小组，自我监督，和大家一起进步

lisq9989UID：2110509

非常感谢，确实有些用词有点主观，你评价的很中肯

还有，第一段你补充的关于自己的那段，挺精彩的，学习了~

lisq9989UID：2110509

初次尝试综合写作，还不太明白怎么回事，请大家狠批

JeniusUID：2964631

OK啦~

heying1010UID：3139153

1# lisq9989

Employment is virtually a long-lasting issue for intense debate since it takes up a major part of most people’s life, though not closely related to retired ones. While some people believe that one should focus more on the vacation time than salary, others, including me, hold a growing body of opinion that salary can overweigh other criteria when evaluating a job.
（evaluate与salary不对应）

For one thing, more and more people gradually combine getting more money with one’s success in society. It has been proved that since the beginning of the Industrial revolution, when market economy became dominant for the first time,(连续用了since和when,不合理） more money(建议去掉more） would be (建议改成完成时，跟since对应）the symbol of the winner in competition. Today, this rule in our society does not disappear but becomes more profound. In our society now, people like to gather together to show off their commodious houses, exhibit their outstanding automobiles, display their high-tech cell phones and enjoy their sumptuous
expeditions. Though
appearing to be accepted, all these seem to me to link them with a great amount of wealth. Sometimes, even a well-paid employee cannot afford such a luxury, let alone a person with an enjoyable work but less salary.

More important, salary is always the first consideration for a man to make a living in a city. Different from the rural ease,（area） urbanized way calls for money on even(去掉） every aspect of the real life. For instance, if young people want to struggle in a metropolitan such as Peking, they have to pay for the rent of the house, bear the skyrocketing price in supermarket every day, get accustomed to numerous parties which usually require a huge amount of money and even keep numb to tremendous cost in hospital. It is impossible to make more than the widest guess at how much money they need, but they have to be hungry creatures facing with the crucial reality. It is really difficult to imagine that under such situations, they can weigh their job by many criteria, such as vacation time, rather than（建议加个only） money.

Finally, besides the basic life requirements, one will pursue to court other excitements in his/her life. Making an investment in stock market is something like three meals a day for a person; accompanied by some disasters, donating become necessary for one to show his/her love（主语不对应前面的accompanied）; with the help of airplane and inter-train, a long period of tourism is no longer a dream. Nevertheless, they are (去掉）all need money! For most people, not including a
（去掉)few people who can be a millionaire by lottery, the single source for it is the working salary.

To sum up, in a material-oriented society, except for the jobs with both high salary and more vacation time, which I take leave to doubt, I will have to prefer the employment with more money, not only for the basic living standard but also for a more colorful life.

lisq9989UID：2110509

OK啦~
168867
Jenius 发表于 2011-8-2 21:05

看了你改的，很细致哦，谢谢~

pursue 和court 确实，我好像忘记删掉一个了，谢谢

其他问题我再慢慢斟酌一下

结尾的问题，To sum up, in a material-oriented society,  这里其实是我隐含了对第一个分论点的对应，并不是故意不写第一个点


anyway, 3Q

happinessviviUID：2837177

搞定~

xieqy0326UID：2653877

改完了，加油。仅个人建议~~

lisq9989UID：2110509

8.3独立

little_catyUID：3014175

Whether parents should allow their young children to manage their own money is a serious issue for intense debate in our society. Although some one may argue that such permission can make children financially responsible, others, including me, hold the body of opinion that children will not be suitable to manage their own money in an early stage.（开头精彩~）

First and foremost, a very young child will probably have no experience to manage his/her money. As it happens, young children may not know what a necessary consumption is; they may not be able to arrange their money probably（properly）; they can easily lose their rationality, facing with a cherished toy or some sweet; they are also usually forgetful about how much money left. I can never think a good example of myself to illustrate this point. （这句话好像没有表达清楚你的意思，可以改成I don't think I can be a paragon in managing money.) When I was a teenager, I was crazy about a boat model cost 100 Yuan which is equal to the amount of money I could receive from my parents in one month. Finally, I decided to buy it at the expense of all my newspaper, magazine and sweet in that month. Frankly speaking, by now, I have never regarded it as a rational behavior.


What’s more, Over-freedom may lead young children to a financial irresponsibility instead, even crime. On one hand, it is proved that our society is full of negative effects on children such as sex, violence, and drug addiction. On the other hand, young children usually lack of self-control. Relying on the steady source of money from their parents, they may do everything they want to do without any reasonable consideration. They may be addicted in spend their coins in playing computer game; they may be crazy about buying magazines full of sex and violence; more seriously, they will also like to imitate some pop star to consume drug. It is impossible to imagine that a child can really be financial responsible before he/she has a self and social responsibility.

Finally, granted I can admit that a child can learn how to make a rational consumption, I still disagree that he/she can manage money well. Knowing how to consume is not equal to understanding how to manage the wealth. Usually, well-management does not only include reasonable consumption but also contains another two crucial parts: saving and investment. For many children in an early stage, they may only have consciousness to use money, to by a toy or some sweet maybe. However, only a small part of them will save money sometimes; few will be familiar with investment. It is funny to suggest that a 10-year-old child can enjoy himself/herself in stock market. Hence, management is so complicated that it is not suitable for children in an early age.(这个观点很好，学习了~）

In sum, because of lacking experience and self control, managing their own money is usually not suitable, even dangerous sometimes, for young children. In addition, the concept of management is also too hard for them to understand. Hence, more parents’ care is in great need. （结尾段也写得很好）

作者的语言控制能力和论述能力都很好，学习了~

julijoneUID：2843727

不错 加油

愤怒公爵UID：2929648

改好了，对不起晚了

lisq9989UID：2110509

不错 加油
julijone 发表于 2011-8-4 20:42

3Q，你指出的最后一点我也觉的是这样的，这篇也感觉困难，分论很难，想不出来

lisq9989UID：2110509

8.04 独立