我的作文贴

林水监UID: 2895077

写了才发现还差的很远~~谢谢大家的帮忙我会努力的！！吼吼~~

林水监UID: 2895077

One of the best way for parents to help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take the part time job



      The phenomenon that part time job is helpful to the growth of teenage is widely accepted by most parents .However, whether it is one of the best way for teenager to prepare for adult life puzzles the parents as usual .Of course, neither parents nor teenager themselves know are sure they are ready to adults, but I insist part time job as a mirror of part adult life and society is one of the best way for their preparation.
    Firstly, teenagers at the age between 12 to 18 , the golden age of learning. So if parents begin to encourage their children to get a part time job during this period, the children would be happy to be regarded as adults as well as start a pleasant journey to experience different kinds of job. During this journey ,teenagers will find what is the most for them and once they get the answers, their bright and enjoyable carrier is likely to be around the corner. Therefore, the yesterday’s little kids set off accumulating both knowledge and social relationships for their dreams with all their passion and energies. As we know to all , the first situation that pressures every young adults for is how to earning his living. So if one have get kinds of part jobs at his teenager times , he will be able to define these jobs and has get ready to be a independent adults .
    Secondly, there is no doubt that part time jobs are jobs, that means one will be paid for his labor as well as make financial plans for the paid. As to teenagers, they enjoy the happiness from being awarding thought their hardworking ,as the old saying, which will establish their initial work ethic. Besides this their financial ideas and customs , such as how to make both ends meet or  how to make investments, will be shaped. In a word, part time job offers the teenagers a insight of job and carrier. Of course ,if parents can give their children some advices or share their life experience during this time, the teenagers will get far more than the money paid.
   And, lastly, for every child ,no matter how old his is, his IQ and IE should be developed simultaneously. World for a teenager will no merely be filled with games , cartoons and fairy tales , as the child at this age has more or less his own independent observations and thoughts. A good part time job is equal to a chance to observe, experience and conclude more, and the fruit of this progress will be so precious and this experience never been taught in the formal schools.
   All in all, part time job is a supplement of school teaching. It gives teenagers opportunities to define jobs ,establish their career ethics and financial ideas independently and also help them develop in a all-round way .It is one of the best way for parents to help their teenage children prepare for adult life.

candis712UID: 2824089

     The phenomenon that part time job is helpful to the growth of teenage is widely accepted by most parents .However, whether it is one of the best way for teenager to prepare for adult life puzzles the parents as usual（有些多余）.Of course, neither parents nor teenager themselves know are（换成for） sure （whether）they are ready to adults(这句意思与前后不连贯，有些多余), but I insist part time job as a mirror of part adult life and society is one of the best way for their preparation. #

   Firstly, teenagers (are) at the age between 12 to 18 , the golden age of learning(缺少谓语). So if parents begin to encourage their children to get a part time job during this period, the children would be happy to be regarded as adults as well as start a pleasant journey to experience different kinds of job.(段首前两句没能明确的表明论点，建议修改下；尤其第二句后面有些冗余) During this journey ,teenagers will find what is the most for them and once they get the answers, their bright and enjoyable carrier（career？） is likely to be around the corner（没明白。。。）. Therefore, the yesterday’s little kids set off accumulating both knowledge and social relationships for their dreams with all their passion and energies. As we know to all , the first situation（建议替换，如task） that pressures every young adults（单数）for
（去掉？）is how to earning（earn） his living. So if one have（has） get
kinds of part jobs at his teenager times , he will be able to define these jobs and has get ready to be a(an) independent adults（单数）.8 V2 ]5 f3 ]0 m7 @/ V3 _6 j& ~


    Secondly, there is no doubt that part time jobs are( also official) jobs, that means one will be paid for his labor as well as make financial plans for the paid（语气上不是很顺，as well as need to make…）. As to teenagers, they enjoy the happiness from being awarding thought (through?)their hardworking ,as the old saying, which will establish their initial work ethic. Besides this (,)their financial ideas and customs , such as how to make both ends meet or  how to make investments, will be shaped. In a word, part time job offers the teenagers a(an) insight of job and carrier. Of course ,if parents can give their children some advices or share their life experience(s) during this time, the teenagers will get far more than the money paid(可替换economical reward).

   And, lastly, for every child ,no matter how old his is, his IQ and IE should be developed simultaneously.(好像不恰当) World for a teenager will no merely be filled with games , cartoons and fairy tales , as the child at this age has more or less his own independent observations and thoughts. A good part time job is equal to a chance to observe, experience and conclude more, and the fruit of this progress will be so precious and this experience (could)never been(be) taught in the formal schools.

All in all, part time job is a supplement of school teaching. It gives teenagers opportunities to define jobs ,establish their career ethics(这两节可以缩成一个动词短语，以便前后和3个论点一一对应) and financial ideas independently and also help them develop in a all-round way .It is one of the best way for parents to help their teenage children prepare for adult life.


  
   总体结构不错，字数也很多。不过感觉各论点的展开论述有点散，论点不够突出。
   偶而有单复数的小错误，需要平时多注意些。改得不好，O(∩_∩)O j继续交流，一起加油啊~

林水监UID: 2895077

鞠躬感谢，小C同学！！！一起加油加油

PsMaggieUID: 2861847

The phenomenon that part time job is helpful to the growth of teenage is widely accepted by most parents .However, whether it is one of the best way for teenager to prepare for adult life puzzles the parents as usual .Of course, neither parents nor teenager themselves know are sure（would be sure to know whether） they(这个they难道要指both parents and teenagers么？) are ready to (become) adults, but I insist part time job as a mirror of part(s) （of） adult life and society is one of the best way for their preparation.

    Firstly, teenagers at the age between 12 to (and) 18, the golden age of learning(病句，整句没有一个谓语，改成teenagers age between 12 and 18 are at the golden age of learning). So if parents begin to(去掉) encourage their children to get a part time job during this period, the children would be happy to be regarded as adults as well as start a pleasant journey to experience different kinds of job.（与主题完全无关，题目是要辩证is taking part-time job one of the best way of preparing for adult life） During this journey, teenagers will find what is the most（the most of what?） for them and once they get the answers, their bright and enjoyable carrier is likely to be around the corner. Therefore, the yesterday’s little kids set off accumulating both knowledge and social relationships for their dreams with all their passion and energies. As we know to all (没有这种说法吧，as we all know, to all的话，那是to all what？), the first situation that pressures every young adults for is how to earning his living. So if one have get kinds of part jobs at his teenager times , he will be able to define these jobs and has get ready to be a independent adults. 论证很薄弱，你只是说了一句话就是青少年做兼职可以使他们将来可以胜任工作，先不论这个内容对不对，这首先是一个论点，而不是论证，你应该在写了论点之后然后展开论证。    Secondly, there is no doubt that part time jobs are jobs（赤裸裸的chinglish啊。。。）, that（which） means one will be paid for his labor as well as make financial plans for the paid. As to teenagers, they enjoy the happiness from being awarding thought their hardworking ,as the old saying（old saying 在哪里？）, which will establish their initial work ethic. Besides this their financial ideas and customs , such as how to make both ends meet or  how to make investments, will be shaped. In a word, part time job offers the teenagers a insight of job and carrier. Of course ,if parents can give their children some advices or share their life experience during this time, the teenagers will get far more than the money paid.

   And, lastly, for every child ,no matter how old his is, his IQ and IE should be developed simultaneously. World for a teenager will no merely be filled with games , cartoons and fairy tales , as the child at this age has more or less his own independent observations and thoughts. A good part time job is equal to a chance to observe, experience and conclude more, and the fruit of this progress will be so precious and this experience never been taught in the formal schools. 7 ~8 @6 y& [3 u" `- N8 w- @
   All in all, part time job is a supplement of school teaching. It gives teenagers opportunities to define jobs ,establish their career ethics and financial ideas independently and also help them develop in a all-round way .It is one of the best way for parents to help their teenage children prepare for adult life.

后面没有再改出来，语句不通顺的有点过多了，特别是chinglish很多，感觉有一些好像是自己编的。。。囧。。。其次，整个论证有点混乱，对于支持taking part-time job is one of the best way of preparing for adult life,你的论证很薄弱，有实际内容的句子太少了，也没有任何例子来加强你的论证，最后就是整个结构，论点的归类，论证顺序的安排，还要再好好考究考究，或者有什么问题的话，可以QQ说~~

林水监UID: 2895077

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Has technology made children less creative than they were in the past.

Technology has ushered in a new era when it not only influences and even changes adults’ life styles, but also affects the development and wellbeing of children. And that brings us great promise and great concerns .Has technology made children less creative than they were in the past?  I don't think so. Regardless of the disadvantages, the technology will offer the children a welded platform to learn and to create.

Actually, technology can help children absorb more knowledge than ever before within the same time scale ,though many people worry about the high-technology products would strip the interest and curiosity for children to make by hands and observe their surroundings , the basis to create. For example, children may never stay in their gardens to observe ants immigrate to the new home. Instead, they watch the relative programmes on TV or search the internet. However the replacement leads to, not so much the decrease of children's creation as shortening the time for them to absorb a new knowledge.

Besides, the improvement of technology keeps pace with the creation of each generation, and the best evidence of it is the prosperity of nowadays world. Technology has influenced our world throughout the past century, but never block it .On the other hand, it accelerates the pace of world blossom. For instance, when the TV set has become a household necessary, thousands of people worried about the negative effects on children. However, TV programme becomes an important tool to popularize science and knowledge .So how could it possible that technology make children less creative than they were in the past?

Lastly, with the social specialization, each field requiring much higher level of professionalization, high-technology products can help professors get more information widely and accurately, which is helpful to create new products. As for children, they can get in touch with the field attracting them at any time.

In a word, technology helps children to be more creative rather than less.

sun3mayUID: 2574771

2.15独立
改好了~
不好意思 改晚了。最近家里有事儿，有点忙。

林水监UID: 2895077

谢谢sun3may，我很受鼓励

feifeionlyUID: 2778967

2月15独立，不好意思贴错了位置，贴到了自己帖子里，汗！。

林水监UID: 2895077

2-21 独立写作，十分对不起小组成员，今天上了一天课，没有及时上传作文和修改作文，请原谅~~~~(>_<)~~~~




Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement? Movies and televisions should always show audience good people beingrewarded and bad people being punished.
As many TV series getting popular with manycriticisms, we can find that some of them are realistic too much. In the dramas,many evildoers get benefits at basis of the losses of good people. In my part,I don’t like the dramas at all because they sometimes seize my happiness andconfidence about country, and even worse ,they affect my value that good peoplebeing rewarded and bad people being punished. So I support the statement and givemy reasons as follows.


Firstly , I have to clarify that in thereal world , some good people do not get rewarded and bad people do not bepunished and in some special field that phenomenon happens frequently. Howeverthe phenomenon isn’t the main steam of our society. Movies and televisions ,asthe most popular entertainments , have great influence on views’ value, especiallythe values of children. So the movies and tv programs should be responsible forguiding and correcting the value of adults and giving good examples to shapechildren’s value. The most vivid instance is the facts ,the average age ofcriminal organization is much younger, even including teenagers. Analyzing the cause,we can find that these young man doesn’t believe in love and kindness any more,instead, they go after power and violence. Maybe while they are watching the socalled “realistic tv programs or moves ”, they do not realize that they aredeprived of hope for living and happiness.

Furthermore, when the conception ,whichgood people will not be rewarded but the bad will, is always lingering incitizens’ mind, or the scenes that the bad lives monstrously better than thegood but never being punished always show on the screens , sooner or later,more and more citizens will doubt their living conditions, and what even worse,they will increasingly contradict their government and society. As results, theGross National happiness will decrease and people become disappointed abouttheir work and lives. I have heard unmarried my bother compliant his managersand his wording condition many times, because his salary and status can helphim to afford family. While he watched the popular tv series named DwellingNarrowness, he sighed that he was the character named Xiao Bei in reality, andcomplaint the unfair society. In his mind ,no matter how diligent andhardworking he is, his future is dim. So want don’t we take advantage of moviesand tv programs to delight people and give them more hopes of life?

Lastly, I want to claim we encourage moviesand televisions should always show audience good people being rewarded and badpeople being punished, but it doesn’t mean we encourage only the kind of program.Diverse movies and televisions will cater to different tastes of audience, andthe diversity is the symbol of the industry. So we call on the individuals or agroup of individuals of the mass media can pay more attention to the mentalstate and psychology of audience and programs are not only the necessities formaking more money. Comparatively more shows about the topic, the good beingrewarded and the bad being punished, may make our society more healthy andharmonious.

In a word, I support the statement that moviesand televisions should always show audience good people being rewarded and badpeople being punished.

林水监UID: 2895077

2-22日独立~

ilovevickyUID: 2937658

10# 林水监

改好咯....一起加油哈~~~

林水监UID: 2895077

有一段时间没有写了，谢谢帮我改作文的小组成员:loveliness:

cacovilUID: 3028414

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Improving schools is the most factor in successful development of country

In all ages, science and technology, in other words knowledge, are the productivity of a county. School, as a main way to educate and convey knowledge, is the most important factor in successful development of a country. I totally support this opinion with the following reasons.

First of all, compared to the family education and social education, school is the most effective and objective way of education. Apparently, more efficient facilities and more academic environment are available in school, but another more convincing reason is schools is equipped with qualified teachers. As different teachers major in different subjects, the professional knowledge can be conveyed to the students in a scientific way. And when students graduate from universities or colleges, they are already professors in each field.（指的是他们在各自领域也很专业么？professors改成 professional） The simplest but most convincing (but have persuasively)example is that many of those who have made great contribution to their countries or even the world ,especially in science, are graduated from universities or colleges.(我觉得这句提前比较好，改成who are graduated from universities or colleges have made great contribution to their countries or even the world, especially in science.) Of course, many inventers and businesses men are initially apprentices working in the workshops, yet the number of them is really rare.

The second reason i(I) want to mention is that although the common concept of school refers to formal school, however in the case of successful development of country , informal school also should take in to（into） account. To some extent, informal schools, such as summer vocation schools and（and改成“，”与后面and重复） technical secondary schools and even online schools, are playing a very important role and this idea has been confirmed centuries ago by American educators. In the early stage of American history, informal education , especially the schools for housewives and immigrant children ,that were supported by church and government , had make great a（a great） contribution to the integration of the native and immigrants in colonies as well as to the popularity of basic science and financial knowledge(这句我有点迷茫). Then as a result, improving schools accelerated the development of America.

Furthermore, economic, another important factor , needs the help of schools. When students graduate and become a full-time worker in the society, they are the driving force to the development of economic .As a result(accordingly/ hence/ so/ thus) , the quality of worker forthrightly affects the speed of advance. For instance, the products made in china are comparably(同等的？) cheap worldwide（可不可以改成cheaper than other country’s） because the low qualified labor force is very cheap. And with improving schools, more education recourses are available to its national, especially for children. Nowadays, the structure of china economic are transform from labor intensive industry to technology-intensive industry.

All in all , as stated above,(all in all 和 as stated above 重复，去掉一个) i(I) support the saying that improving schools is the most important part of the development of a country.


论点表达的很明确，就是语言要加强，哎，其实我也总感觉很词穷，那个我水平也有限，尽量改了哈，一起加油哦~
厄，没到那个级别能发附件，就这样看吧。。。

林水监UID: 2895077

谢啦~~O(∩_∩)O~