最最普通求改帖，其实看一下也无妨...

chjwUID: 2663731

多谢各位了，期待大家的意见！


Some people prefer to plan activities for their free time very carefully. Others choose not to make any plans at all for their free time. Compare the benefits of planning free-time activities with the benefits of not making plans. Which do you prefer--planning or not planning for your leisure time?

----------------------------------------



Time is invaluable. No matter work time or free time, people should make good use of it. While, different people have different characters, so we can see different attitudes towards time especially free time. Actually it is easy to draw a distinction between them: someone plans for his or her free time and someone not. Although I believe that both of them have their own convincing reasons to support their behaviors, I stand on the side of planning for free time.


Some people prefer living casually and when they are free from work and house odds, they just enjoy it without any more consideration such as making a plan. If there is a good movie, they go to the cinema; if there is a friend calling, they just make some temporary entertainment; if it is raining, they just stay at home and watch TV. While, whatsoever, this kind of people just don't want to elaborately plan for their schedule. And their motto may be "just enjoy it". In their eyes life should be easy and comfortable, which should never pose any pressure on their mind. Now that it is free time and it is the high time for them relaxed, why not just have a sleep in the bed until they are satisfied, and why should they make plans to restrain themselves? That's totally not necessary because there are always enough things for them to do, their computers are connected with internet and don't worry about that they have nothing to engage themselves. Take a step back, someone would say that it is the perfect situation if there is really nothing to do, for that they can indulge themselves into the thorough relaxation.


On the other hand, the other people, including myself, have the habit of planning for the free time. This kind of people has one thing in common, that is having a very positive attitude toward life. They just think that they should make full use of their time to do something impressive for themselves, things like travelling with families, dating with friends, having a big shopping, paying a visit to exhibitions and so on. If they get a holiday, a plan will be formed even months before and then modified again and again. When they think about the coming holiday they would feel excited. For example, when the National Day is near, I always make a very detailed plan for my week-long holiday: calling friends to reserve them for travelling with me, finding the right destination, reserving the hotel and checking the route and so on. After that I would begin to look forward to it. That's quite an experience and it surely will leave me a good memory.


To sum up, making plan for the free time results in more self-satisfaction, while no plan makes people feel the true freedom and relaxation. I like to make plans because I want my free time to be different and wonderful.

我是chineseladyUID: 2662783

Time is invaluable. No matter work time-->working time or free time, people should make good use of it. While,这个后面加逗号。。建议查阅下。 different people have different characters, so we can see different attitudes towards time especially free time.--> people with different characters have various attitudes about time, especially free time. Actually it is easy to draw a distinction between them: someone plans for his or her free time and someone not-->does not-->actually it is easy to draw a distinction between those who make plan for their free time and those who do not. Although I believe that both of them have their own convincing reasons to support their behaviors, I stand on the side of planning for free time.
大概看了下，句子没有复杂句都是简单句。有些句子比较中式。中间的例子可以再生动些。自己的例子很贴近。主题句不建议写的太长。

chjwUID: 2663731

2# 我是chineselady
谢谢版主！
while这个词应该是本来想用well的，显得自然点。。。没想到整成了while。。。
至于中式表达，版主能不能稍微仔细说下，比如拿个句子剖析下。。。再谢！！

我是chineseladyUID: 2662783

即使是well的话这个比较口语化的，用在回答口语部分比较合适。写作最好不用。
this kind of people,这种人，你可以说people who has such idea

我是chineseladyUID: 2662783

"That's totally not necessary because there are always enough things for them to do, their computers are connected with internet and don't worry about that they have nothing to engage themselves"
"dont worry"这里没指明主语是谁。"always enough things for them to do"可以说：they are busy with...enough things 说很多事情就好。

chjwUID: 2663731

5# 我是chineselady

谢谢！恍然啊，这些我自己很难看出来啊，还以为很顺呢:L ，居然有这样的语法错误。。。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Time is invaluable. No matter work time or free time, people should make good use of it. While, different people have different characters, so we can see different attitudes towards time especially free time ('While' signals a turn in reasoning, and is not to be used with 'so'.). Actually it is easy to draw a distinction between them (What? Or Who?) : someone who plans for his or her free time and someone who does not. (You've spent many words just to repeat what the question has already given you. That doesn't contribute anything to the discussion, and it's confusing at the same time because you drew out this 'distinction' thing that you didn't really seem to elaborate on. In a nutshell, your reader gets little hint of what the PURPOSE and SCOPE of your essay are. The only truly useful sentence in this whole paragraph is the last one, which states your stand.) Although I believe that both of them have their own convincing reasons to support their behaviors, I stand on the side of planning for free time.

Some people prefer living casually and when they are free from work and house odds?, they just enjoy it without any more consideration such as making a plan. If there is a good movie, they go to the cinema; if there is a friend calling, they just make some temporary entertainment?; if it is raining, they just stay at home and watch TV. While, whatsoever (You keep using 'while' without doing the due that comes with 'while'. I can't help but question if you really know how to use this word.), this kind of people just don't want to elaborately plan for their schedules. And their motto may be "just enjoy it". In their eyes life should be easy and comfortable, which should never pose any pressure on their mind. Now that it is free time and it is the high time? for them to be? relaxed, why not just have a sleep in the bed until they are satisfied, and why should they make plans to restrain themselves? (Understand that this whole sentence appears to be very casual. It's okay to be a little relaxed in your tone, but it's safer to stay formal.) That's totally not necessary because there are always enough things for them to do, their computers are connected with the internet and they don't worry about that they having nothing to engage themselves in. Take a step back, someone would say that it is the perfect situation if there is really nothing to do, for that they can indulge themselves into the thorough relaxation. (The question is asking you about the BENEFITS of not making plans for free time vs. making plans for free time. What is the benefit and 'not planning' part in this paragraph? You goes on and on and on about what certain people do, and what their attitudes might be, and why they show those attitudes, in a rather provocative manner, but remember that you need to ADDRESS the question in a clean, fuss-free argument. Your current argument drifts from 'easy life' to 'relaxation' to 'enough things to do' in a lot of flair, but nothing seems to be very relevant.)

On the other hand, the other people, including myself, have the habit of planning for the free time. This kind of people has one thing in common, that is having a very positive attitude toward life. They just think that they should make full use of their time to do something impressive for themselves, things like travelling with families, dating with friends, having a big shopping spree?, paying a visit to exhibitions and so on. If they get a holiday, a plan will be formed even months before and then modified again and again. When they think about the coming holiday they would feel excited. For example, when the National Day is near, I always make a very detailed plan for my week-long holiday: calling friends to reserve them for travelling with me, finding the right destination, reserving the hotel and checking the route and so on. After that I would begin to look forward to it. That's quite an experience and it surely will leave me a good memory. (Again, you describe what you do and why and your feelings, but you never manage to point out clearly that what good 'planning' itself serves you, and all your descriptions will only be remotely relevant. And where is the COMPARE part of the question? It's entirely ignored, and you're just describing the issues in question separately.)

To sum up, making plan for the free time results in more self-satisfaction, while no plan makes people feel the true freedom and relaxation. (This kind of conclusion should appear in the middle paragraphs of your essay.) I like to make plans because I want my free time to be different and wonderful.

总结：

语法和词汇问题不很大，有些语义不清的表达要注意，while的用法请注意。

逻辑方面，你需要在每一个分论段都做出针对问题 (compare the benefits, which do you prefer) 的结论，而不是等到结尾段才来说一句理就完了。你的文章的目的是什么？是说明题目中想要你说明的东西，一定要随时让读者清醒地意识到你的主题，而不是让人看了半天以为你的题目是describe what people do when they make or don't make plans for free time然后疑惑为什么你的总结和文章主体的调调好像不太一样咧。。

chjwUID: 2663731

7# mpromanus

大谢啊！！！！！！！！！！
认真研读中。。。。