dy008的作文作业

dy008UID: 2284812

Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money


In a modern society, people always connect the term “businessman” with endless desire of money. That’s to say, many people normlly believe that businessmen are motivated only by desire of money, which cannot be denied. However, after a further examine, in my opinion, money desire is not their only motivation.
A businessman without that kind of desire is not qualified, their status need them to pursue benefits. In this process, they may overlook many side-effect of their behavior: like pollution all over the world, green house effect, more and more extinct animals……all of what offer people a impression that businessman only care money. But we can easily find some exceptions to debate this viewpoint.
First of all, businessmen also have their own dream and the drive to fulfill their personal value, which have nothing to do with money. An impressive example is Steve Jobs, the co-founder and chief executive officer of apple. People know his dream is to spread the high-end products through the earth, sell the high-technology products as common consumer goods, and pursue a success of specific Apple culture. The members in Apple’s broad cannot understand his decision. They thought this guy who insists his idea made too many decisions that cannot earn enough money and waste too many chances of benefits, so Jobs was forced to retired from Apple in 1985, with his dream never destroyed. After 20 years’ fight, after Imac, Ibook and Iphone, nowadays million frenetic Apple fans admire Apple’s culture, chase every new production of Jobs, attracted by every production launch conducted by Jobs. This kind of businessmen is always motivated by their dream and personal value.
What is more, businessmen who work for some non-profit organizations have different targets. For example, the World Bank, whose final goal is to reduce poverty. It helps governments to improve the financial systems, offering low-interests loan to developing countries, performing education and medical projects through the earth, create millions of career opportunities for people in need. In financial crisis of 2007 caused by overvaluation of assets, which resulted in the collapse of large financial institutions, World Bank tried its best to maintain the stable monetary system and assist many governments in danger. Businessmen work for non-profit organizations like World Bank have their drive, which is not money, but the expectation of development of human beings and the social responsibility.
If all factors above are considered, we will find out the statement that businessmen are only motivated by desire of money is wrong. There are still many things they chased and drive them ahead.


写的不好，句式运用单调。
结构是先让步，承认受钱驱动，然后举例子，详写两个例子说明还有其他东西驱动。结尾一段实在不高兴写了。
第一篇练手，多指教。
1 7.20.doc (22.5 KB, 下载次数: 6)

2010-7-20 15:44:12 上传

下载次数: 6

gavinfengUID: 2720524

In a modern society, people always connect the term “businessman” with endless desire of money. That’s to say, many people normlly believe that businessmen are motivated only by desire of money, which cannot be denied. However, after a further examination, in my opinion, money desire is not their only motivation.
A businessman without that kind of desire is not qualified, since their status need them to pursue benefits. In this process, they may overlook many side-effect of their behaviors: like pollution all over the world, green house effect, more and more extinct animals……all of what offer people an impression that businessman only care money. But we can easily find some exceptions to debate this viewpoint.
First of all, businessmen also have their own dream and the drive to fulfill their personal value, which have nothing to do with money. An impressive example is Steve Jobs, the co-founder and chief executive officer of apple. People know his dream is to spread the high-end products through the earth, sell the high-technology products as common consumer goods, and pursue a success of specific Apple culture. The members in Apple’s broad cannot understand his decision. They thought this guy who insists his idea made too many decisions that cannot earn enough money and waste too many chances of benefits, so Jobs was forced to retired from Apple in 1985, with his dream never destroyed. After 20 years’ fight, after Imac, Ibook and Iphone, nowadays million frenetic Apple fans admire Apple’s culture, chase every new production of Jobs, attracted by every production launch conducted by Jobs. This kind of businessmen is always motivated by their dream and personal value.
What is more, businessmen who work for some non-profit organizations have different targets. For example, the World Bank, whose final goal is to reduce poverty. It helps governments to improve the financial systems, offering low-interests loan to developing countries, performing education and medical projects through the earth, creating millions of career opportunities for people in need. In financial crisis of 2007 caused by overvaluation of assets, which resulted in the collapse of large financial institutions, World Bank tried its best to maintain the stable monetary system and assist many governments in danger. Businessmen work for non-profit organizations like World Bank have their drive, which is not money, but the expectation of development of human beings and the social responsibility.
If all factors above are considered, we will find out the statement that businessmen are only motivated by desire of money is wrong. There are still many things they chase and drive them ahead.
写得很好吖~说理很充分~例子也很好的说~而且二三段过渡得很自然~
我水平比较低只能给你修改一些小小的错误...请多多包涵~
为什么大家能想出那么好的例子呢...我觉得我写得实在太空了...

peggy890UID: 2812709

Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money


In a modern society, people always connect the term “businessman” with endless desire of money. （开头的链接很巧妙）That’s to say, many people normlly（normally） believe that businessmen are motivated only by desire of money, which cannot be denied. However, after a further examine（用analysis好一）, in my opinion,（建议放在However一起，或者删掉，要不然显得句子很乱） money desire is not their only motivation.
A businessman without that kind of desire is not qualified, their status need them to pursue benefits. In this process, they may overlook many side-effect of their behavior: like pollution all over the world, green house effect, more and more extinct animals……all of what offer people a impression that businessman only care money. But we can easily find some exceptions to debate this viewpoint.（感觉这段有点多余，因为对于说明主题不是很关联，最好直接表达观点而不是这样模棱两可）
First of all, businessmen also have their own dream and the drive（inner drive） to fulfill their personal value, which have nothing to do with money. An impressive example is Steve Jobs, the co-founder and chief executive officer of apple. People know his dream is to spread the high-end products through the earth, sell the high-technology products as common consumer goods, and pursue a success of specific Apple culture. The members in Apple’s broad cannot understand his decision. They thought this guy who insists his idea made too many decisions that cannot earn enough money and waste too many chances of benefits, so Jobs was forced to retired from Apple in 1985, with his dream never destroyed. After 20 years’ fight, after Imac, Ibook and Iphone, nowadays million frenetic Apple fans admire Apple’s culture, chase every new production of Jobs, attracted by every production launch conducted by Jobs. This kind of businessmen is always motivated by their dream and personal value.(好例子，阐述也到位，学习学习)
What is more, businessmen who work for some non-profit organizations have different targets. For example, the World Bank, whose final goal is to reduce poverty. It helps governments to improve the financial systems, offering low-interests loan to developing countries, performing education and medical projects through the earth, create millions of career opportunities for people in need. In financial crisis of 2007 caused by overvaluation of assets, which resulted in the collapse of large financial institutions, World Bank tried its best to maintain the stable monetary system and assist many governments in danger. （这个例子有点不是很恰当，感觉更像是NGO类的机构，而不是businessman）Businessmen work for non-profit organizations like World Bank have their drive, which is not money, but the expectation of development of human beings and the social responsibility.（转的有点突兀了）
If all factors above are considered, we will find out the statement that businessmen are only motivated by desire of money is wrong. There are still many things they chased and drive them ahead.


1 7.20.doc (25.5 KB, 下载次数: 2)

2010-7-21 16:08:10 上传

下载次数: 2

感觉楼主水平不错，例子很赞，但是在关联度、内容理解上还需要改进，因为托福作文不管怎么说都需要紧紧抓住主题，坚定地阐述自己的观点，希望多加改进~加油

dy008UID: 2284812

Pensonally I strongly agree the statement that students who keep their rooms neat and organized will be more likely to succeed. People may think success have nothing to do with the condition of the rooms, however, we can easily find some reasons for which people should attach importance to students' behavior.


First of all, keeping rooms neat and organized is a social responsibility and basic tradition of many countries all over the world, like China, Japan, South Korea, as a kind of minimal moral standard, because nearly everybody likes sanitary circumference. The adult always want their children to learn to take care of themselves,
keeping their rooms clean, while arranging everything properly and putting them into right places. Students had the same education and age background also like neat guy and would like to make friends with them. In the human being network, if you make everywhere neat enough, the adult will consider you are a "good student", while you are readily socailized with the students, so the assist the adult world offer and the appreciation from mainstream society will help you to success. And if you would not abide by the social standard, sometimes you will feel the underground pressure from rules-people don't like the dirty and lazy guy, you will lost a lot of oppotunities.


What is more, keeping rooms neat and organized will enhance our efficience and offer more further career chances. For example, when your boss
or colleagers enter into your office to take one important file, you find it in one second-you had enough experience to arrange everything well, putting files well organized according to different affairs, so you have the ability to enjoy higher efficience. But if you waste two hours precious time of you boss, which let him find a lot of
cigerette butts just on the ground-that's why Steve
Jobs fired one poor guy, for him cannot arrange stuff well.

To sum up, I believe keeping roomes clean and organized is very import to students' further success.

chenrubingUID: 2856741

先占个座哈哈！今天一定改！

jjooyyUID: 2704028

Pensonally I strongly agree the statement that students who keep their rooms neat and organized will be more likely to succeed. People may think success have nothing to do with the condition of the rooms, however, we can easily find some reasons for which people should attach importance to students' behavior.
\

First of all, keeping rooms neat and organized is a social responsibility(??really?) and basic tradition of many countries all over the world, like China, Japan, and South Korea, as a kind of minimal moral standard, because nearly everybody likes sanitary circumference. The adult always want their children to learn to take care of themselves,keeping their rooms clean, while(可以去掉while吧) arranging everything properly and putting them into right places. Students had the same education and age background also like neat guy and would like to make friends with them. In the human being network,（？这个词组好奇怪） if you make everywhere neat enough, the adult will consider you are a "good student", while you are readily socailized with the students, so the assist the adult world offer and the appreciation from mainstream society will help you to success. And if you would not abide by the social standard, sometimes you will feel the underground（？地下?） pressure from rules-people don't like the dirty and lazy guy, you will lost a lot of oppotunities.



What is more, keeping rooms neat and organized will enhance our efficience and offer more further career chances. For example, when your boss nor colleagers enter into your office to take one important file, you find it in one second-you had enough experience to arrange everything well, putting files well organized according to different affairs(不是很好), so you have the ability to enjoy higher efficience（efficiency）. But if you waste two hours precious time of you boss, which let him find a lot of
cigerette butts just on the ground-that's why Steve Jobs fired one poor guy, for him cannot arrange stuff well.0 L0 w2 C8 D  R0 b' v8 R8 k
/ D' a# s/ n( T
To sum up, I believe keeping roomes clean and organized is very import to students' further success.6 y6 f+ O7

词汇还是有不错的地方，第二段人际交往的想法有点。。传统吧
但是要注意部分连词的使用，并且，部分词语需要考究一下~

chenrubingUID: 2856741

1.同学你的字数令我羡慕！我半个小时怎么弄也刨不出那么多字啊。。杯具
2.你有好多拼写错误和句法错误，我觉得有点致命。。。你是不是应该自己先检查呢？
3.句子要是能再流畅一点就好了！
——————————我是分割线————————————————
哈哈   也希望你对我的作文提一些意见     祝你不断进步！
——————————我是分割线————————————————
以下是我改的作文




Personally I strongly agree thestatement that students who keep their rooms neat and organized will be morelikely to succeed. People may think that success has nothing todo with the condition of the rooms, however, we can easily find some reasonsfor which people should attach importance to students' behavior.2 |* X$ b/ q* {5 g1 ^
$ T- S; L$ c1 v; W) K9 ^6 l( p
First of all, keeping rooms neat and organized isa social responsibility and basic tradition of many countries all over theworld（如果去了的话是不是跟后面连接的更好呢）, like China, Japan, South Korea, as a kind of minimal moralstandard. Because almost everybody likes sanitary circumference. adultsalways want their children to learn to(去了吧) take good care ofthemselves,+ {! ~/ y  T5 g/ nkeeping（to keep） their rooms clean, while to arrange everything properlyand to put them into right places. Students who have the sameeducation and age background also like neat guy(不够正式吧 person) and would like to makefriends with him/her. In the human being network, if you makeeverywhere neat enough, the adult will consider you as a "goodstudent", while you are readily socailized with the students, so theassist the adult world offer and the appreciation from mainstream society willhelp you to success.(这个句子让我很疑惑。据老实说句子超过2行一般句法都有错误呢。。) And if you don’t abide by the social standard, sometimes youwill feel the underground pressure from rules-people who don't like the dirtyand lazy person, you will lost a lot of opportunities(这句也是呢，咱们中国人嘛能理解你想说的，可是句法似乎不对啊
if you happen to work fora supervisor who doesn’t have pleasant feelings of a dirty and lazy person, you’llpotentially lose a lot of opportunities in your career.)

(上方是you为何下方变成our了呢)
What is more, keeping rooms neat and organizedwill enhance our efficiency and offer further career chances. For example,your boss. M7 F+ T" u2 u7 m! yor colleagers（？） enters into your office to take animportant file from you and you manage to find it in a shortsecond. This means you are capable of arranging everything well,putting files well organized according to different affairs, and youhave the ability to enjoy higher efficiency. But if you waste twohours(去掉) the precious time of you boss , which let him find a lot of cigerette butts just on the ground-that's why Steve's' ?# {$ _& xJobs fired one poor guy, for himcannot arrange stuff well.(以上的例子不太明白？)
$ d! e% R1 u. u3 {& }+ i0 h
To sum up, I believe keeping rooms cleanand organized is very important to students' further success.

dy008UID: 2284812

In my view of point, I strongly agree with the statement that sports teach people
lessons about life.I believe we must attach importance to sports for absorbing enough advantages from it.

First of all, sport spirit benefits our career development. Many sports are supposed to call up people's team-work spirit, need members to perform their joint effort to achieve success. Baskerball, baseball, football, in which people can try to trust their parterners, depend on each other and offer assist to those in need,or they will lose the game.For example, one month ago the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa had stirred the whole world,
Portugal has a lot of super stars in team. They were very skilled, performed very beautiful football that gave their fans the most enjoyment. However, at last Germany,which team was well-known for its strong team-work spiritul and great group tactics, eliminated Portugal with the score 3:2.That is a victory of cooperation, what teach people how important team-work is. In our career, team-work also take an significant role, and sports can easily teach us to pay attention to it.

Secondly, we can learn the spirit of never giving up and fighting from sports.Every 4 years the Olympic Games will teach us "higher, faster,stronger", many athletes show their fighting and persistent. For example, Phelps.He has won 14 career Olympic gold medals, the most by any Olympian, has broken thirty-seven world records in swimming.People hardly believe he trained himself 3 times one day, 7days a week, just for fulfilling his dream.When seeing him fighting in the swimming pools as faster as possible, we will enjoy the beauty of fighting, the strengthen of insistent.That tells us in our daily lives, we are supposed to work had, insistent our ideal,which is the only way we can succeed.

Thirdly, sports teach us how to enjoy our lives.Nowadays many people

prefer to consume their time through computer or TV. They play TVgames, PS2, surfing on the internet,but never move their bodies from comfortable sofa.Sports teach us to choose one much more healthy way to kill our time.We should go out of doors, choose a kind of sports, spend time with friends and sweating together.Through that way, we obtain a much better phisical condition , and refreshing brain for our lives.
To sum up, sports can teach us a lot, while we should take advantage of sporting properly.

liuxiaoyinUID: 2631993

8# dy008

mikestoneUID: 2734495

8# dy008
改好了，谢谢你帮我修改哈。

dy008UID: 2284812

Many people believe that advertising is the most important cause of junk food. But in fact, I strongly disagree this statement.

Admittedly, when we see different interesting advertisements of fast food shop, like McDonald, we will feel the drive forced us to try these foods they offer. Fashioned music, delicious foods, satisfied people, lower price, beautiful uniform and professional servant, all of which can constitute a impressive advertisement that tell people just come and eat. However, after a further analysis, we will find advertisement is not the main reason people choose junk food.


Firstly, nowadays people live in a fast-paced society. In many big cities, it will take people one or two hours to go to work places from home. Considering the traffic jam which is common in the world, it is impossible for them to cook breakfast or lunch themselves. They must get up early in the morning, buying some food just near the corner of street, enjoying breakfast on their way to work. In the noon, they also cannot spend one hour to drive home for cooking meals for families, and then cost another hour to back. So they are forced to choose the unhealthy eating habits-Burger and Coke are so convenient, junk food is their only choice. Now this situation is common and people lose the traditional culinary culture generally.


What's more, the efficiency of fast food industry can makes fast food easily beat any rival and occupies the largest market. There is a famous documentary called "Food Inc.". This movie shows us the fact that through the complete industrial chain from feeding to restaurant, the giant food companies can enjoy surprising cost advantage. They produce the same crop, use the same standard to feed chicken and raise cattle, and at last produce the cheap fast food with the same taste and smell all over the world. So if we want to cook meal ourselves and go to super market to look for some fresh vegetables and meats, we will be surprised to find the prize is so high that choosing hamburger will cost us much less. For many families, economic pressure is another important reason for picking up junk food.

To sum up, we can assert that advertising is not the most important cause of junk food.

dy008UID: 2284812

38分钟381词，无奈

starbigstarUID: 2855966

我也想跟你一样添加一个附件的，无奈发帖数不够...= =b


Many people believe that advertising is the most important cause of junk food. But in fact, I strongly disagree with this statement.

Admittedly, when we see different interesting advertisements of fast food shops, like McDonald, we will feel they drive forced us to try these foods they offer. Fashional music(It just occurs to me..un..do you think "popular music" would be a better choice?), delicious foods, satisfied people, lower price, beautiful uniform and professional servant, all of which can constitute an impressive advertisement that tells people just come and eat. However, after a further analysis, we will find advertisement is not the main reason people choose junk food.0 H0 |. |) N2 O4 ^% M
5 Z3 x: `! f4 B9 Y, ^- Y8 W

Firstly, nowadays people live in a fast-paced society(Learn from you!^-^). In many big cities, it will take people one or two hours to go to work places from home. Considering the traffic jam which is common in the world, it is impossible for them to cook breakfast or lunch themselves. They must get up early in the morning, buy some food just near the corner of street, and enjoy breakfast on their way to work(三个动词小分句，来点动作的连续性和画面感，我个人更喜欢哈~). In the noon, they also cannot spend one hour to drive home for cooking meals for families, and then cost another hour to back. So they are forced to choose the unhealthy eating habits-Burger and Coke are so convenient(a little chinglish, I think.) .
Junk food is their only choice. Now this situation is common and people lose the traditional culinary culture generally.
3 C) f2 J( U4 G4 L. r( ?" k

What's more, the efficiency of fast food industry can make fast food easily beat any rival and occupy
(因为有can 所以不用单数形式咯~) the largest market. There is a famous documentary called "Food Inc.". This movie shows us the fact that through the complete industrial chain from feeding to restaurant, the giant food companies can enjoy surprising cost advantage. They produce the same crop, use the same standard to feed chicken and raise cattle, and at last produce the cheap fast food with the same taste and smell all over the world.(I like these word. CUZ it seems to be a strongly proof and very reasonable.) So if we want to cook meal ourselves and go to super market to look for some fresh vegetables and meats, we will be surprised to find the price of them(虽然我明白你想表达的意思，但是我读你这句话的时候感觉有点别扭，感觉that引导的从句内容应该是蔬菜等会花费更多。尽管你的从句内容和我觉得应该出来的内容等价，但是跟前面的high感觉有点不搭调，或者可以这样修正一下，你看会不会好一点，我写在文章最后哈)
is so high that choosing hamburger will cost us much less. For many families, economic pressure is another important reason for picking up junk food.7 N  s: T% s) Y) F6 N* @
( [2 m  Q' t4 b9 B8 M+ K, }- d
To sum up, we can assert that advertising is not the most important cause of junk food.



①So if we want to cook meal ourselves and go to super market to look for some fresh vegetables and meats, we will be surprised to find the price of them is high so that choosing hamburger will cost us much less.

②So if we want to cook meal ourselves and go to super market to look for some fresh vegetables and meats, we will be surprised to find the price is so high that
choosing them will cost us much more than things like humbergers.



写得蛮好呐！可以看得出来基础挺好，从句的运用也让人感觉整篇文章更有说理性。所以在我非得要鸡蛋挑骨头的情况下，我只发现了一些小错误，还包括手误的。另外，很多地方我也只是根据我的感觉来改的，出于一种讨论的态度，希望以后还可以多多交流哈。嘿嘿~

starbigstarUID: 2855966

颜色什么的怎么都不见了。。。我哭去...发文件给你好了...

starbigstarUID: 2855966

同学，我发现我添加不了附件，如果直接发文章的话，颜色什么的也没了，还有可能出现乱码...你在群里的QQ号是多少呀，我找到你之后，发我改好的WORD版给你行不？