issue207 同主体 求互拍

alcestisUID: 2101945

提纲
1 仪式可协助定义文化
2 艺术可协助定义文化
3 科技可协助定义文化
（用这个思路这个题可以写成和issue6几乎完全一样）

另外，我把difine culture和sense of self 处理为同义不知妥否


Culture is a concept that contains may aspects. Rituals and ceremonies, which can reflect part of the culture, as the speaker says, can help define a culture, but in my view, there are plenty of other ways can be used to define a culture, such as through arts and through technology of a society. And as members of certain group, people get the idea of who they are with the defining of the group culture.

I concede the analyzing rituals and ceremonies of a society or a group of people is helpful when people try to understand a culture, and when people take part in rituals and ceremonies themselves, they may feel more intimate with other members of their group, this kind of so-called sense of belonging help people recognize who they are. Rituals and ceremonies are important part of people's social life, in which a certain atmosphere is created by music, lyrics, light and so on. In such atmosphere, people easily share a certain kind of feeling such as happiness, sadness, bitterness, sympathy, and reverence, which is part of the culture of the group or the entire society, and which make people feel a strong connection to other group members and the group they are in. Through the identity of the group culture, people get a picture of who they are.  


However, rituals and ceremonies are not the only way to define culture. Arts, including painting, literature, music and etc., which mirror the reflection and contemplation of people, also serve as a way to define a culture. Every form of art is base on everyday life and is a concentration of the ideas and thoughts hold by certain groups of people, which is also a crucial part of culture. One needs to look no further than the field of music to see this. Beethoven's music, characterized by a strong passion and intensive inner conflict, presents a series of questions to the fate of human being, which arouse with the awakening of individualism. And on the contrary, Mozart, who lives in the time a little earlier than Beethoven, composed a type of music more gentle and exquisite, which present the praise and obedience to God, as almost all his contemporaries did.

And, technology, which is a material aspect of a society, can help people to define a culture too. Some people may argue that, with the development of technology, the pace of our life is becoming faster and faster, a lot of customs are being forgotten, a lot of rituals and ceremonies are being simplified or even abolished, people have fewer time to think, but rush here and there trying to catch up with the changing world. Consequently, the culture of the society just fades away. Yes, there is something that fades away--the old culture, and at the same time, there is something that is being established--the new culture. The development of technology affects how people live; therefore, affect how people think, which is a component of culture. Internet is a symbol of our time, a time of great efficiency and great pressure. Because of the internet, the world is becoming smaller and smaller, with the transfer of message and information from country to country, from continent to continent in a amazingly high speed; Meanwhile, it is also a world full of overloaded information, in which almost everyone depressingly struggles to find out a little which is useful to them.

All in all, without rituals and ceremonies people’s sense of who they are is not necessarily diminished, for there are many ways other than rituals and ceremonies that can help us define a culture.

鬼谷子UID: 159645

提纲
1 仪式可协助定义文化
2 艺术可协助定义文化
3 科技可协助定义文化
（用这个思路这个题可以写成和issue6几乎完全一样）【首先从你的提纲来看，似乎没有提到题目的后一句，diminished sense的问题】

另外，我把difine culture和sense of self 处理为同义不知妥否


Culture is a concept that contains may aspects. Rituals and ceremonies, which can reflect part of the culture, as the speaker says, can help define a culture, but 【题目的help就已经说明了这两者不是唯一，并没有排除其他的因素，所以这里不该用but转折了】in my view, there are plenty of other ways can be used to define a culture, such as through arts and through technology of a society. 【art还可以，tech就不容易证明了，且看你后文】And as members of certain group, people get the idea of who they are with the defining of the group culture. 【culture of the group】

【和你的提纲同样的问题，你的开头始终是在讨论谁来定义文化的问题。而是否without仪式和典礼，人们对于自我的sense会diminish你没有考虑到】

I concede the analyzing rituals and ceremonies of a society or a group of people is helpful when people try to understand a culture, and when people take part in rituals and ceremonies themselves, they may feel more intimate with other members of their group, 【这两个逗号的内容交代的不清楚】 this kind of so-called sense of belonging help people recognize who they are. Rituals and ceremonies are important part 【parts】of people's social life, in which a certain atmosphere is created by music, lyrics, light and so on. In such atmosphere, people easily share a certain kind of feeling 【后面列举了，这里应该用复数】such as happiness, sadness, bitterness, sympathy, and reverence, which is part of the culture of the group or the entire society, and which make people feel a strong connection to other group members and the group they are in. Through the identity of the group culture, people get a picture of who they are.  【你的论证路线是这样的：仪式典礼是social life的一部分，social life中存在一个atmosphere，这个atmosphere中人们分享各种情感，这些情感是文化的一部分。我觉得这样证明很费事，而且，实际上削弱了你要证明的仪式典礼和文化的联系。最好更简洁和直接一点。】

However, rituals and ceremonies are not the only way to define culture. 【同开头我提到的问题，题目并没有说过only的问题，这里你用反对only，提出了其他原因的转折的语气并不正确，直接说还要其他因素就可以了】Arts, including painting, literature, music and etc., which mirror the reflection and contemplation of people, also serve as a way to define a culture. Every form of art is base on everyday life and is a concentration of the ideas and thoughts hold by certain groups of people, which is also a crucial part of culture. One needs to look no further than the field of music to see this. Beethoven's music, characterized by a strong passion and intensive inner conflict, presents a series of questions to the fate of human being, which arouse with the awakening of individualism. And on the contrary, Mozart, who lives in the time a little earlier than Beethoven, composed a type of music more gentle and exquisite, which present the praise and obedience to God, as almost all his contemporaries did. 【例子证明了什么呢？】

And, technology, which is a material aspect of a society, can help people to define a culture too. Some people may argue that, with the development of technology, the pace of our life is becoming faster and faster, a lot of customs are being forgotten, a lot of rituals and ceremonies are being simplified or even abolished, people have fewer time to think, but rush here and there trying to catch up with the changing world. Consequently, the culture of the society just fades away. Yes, there is something that fades away--the old culture, and at the same time, there is something that is being established--the new culture. The development of technology affects how people live; therefore, affect how people think, which is a component of culture. Internet is a symbol of our time, a time of great efficiency and great pressure. Because of the internet, the world is becoming smaller and smaller, with the transfer of message and information from country to country, from continent to continent in a amazingly high speed; Meanwhile, it is also a world full of overloaded information, in which almost everyone depressingly struggles to find out a little which is useful to them. 【似乎你认为论述的不同文化是时间上的不同，故，你认为通过今天的科技快速发展就能够定义今天的文化。而且，似乎你在B2的部分也是要通过音乐的例子来证明可以区分出时代的不同？那么，我有两个问题：一，题目中用a culture，又用了societies和groups，显然是将人群分组，然后讨论各自不同的文化，那么，这个文化的分类就应该是种族性的，宗教性的，地域性的，而不该是时间性的。二，如果按照你的思路，科技可以定义今天的文化，那么，你交代的new culture取代旧culture是否就是不必要的了？】

All in all, without rituals and ceremonies people’s sense of who they are is not necessarily diminished, for there are many ways other than rituals and ceremonies that can help us define a culture. 【终于在这里看到了对于题目后半句的回应，可惜太仓促了】


【首先思路上考虑的就不够全面，忽略了题目后半句的内容。论证中对于文化分类概念不清楚。论证的语言和结构注意加强！加油！】

skaterUID: 2116878

issue207 同主体 求互拍

提纲
1 仪式可协助定义文化
2 艺术可协助定义文化
3 科技可协助定义文化（科技可以定义文化吗？你部觉得科技是全人类的吗？好吧，姑且看你怎么论述）（用这个思路这个题可以写成和issue6几乎完全一样）

另外，我把difine culture和sense of self 处理为同义不知妥否


Culture is a concept that contains may（MANY？） aspects. Rituals and ceremonies, which can reflect part of the culture, as the speaker says, can help define a culture, but in my view, there are plenty of other ways（THAT） can be used（是不是用UTILIZED 显得更书面语？） to（也应该是HELP） define a culture, such as （by meams of）through arts and through technology of a society. And as members of certain group, people get the idea（CONCEPTION，SENSATION ，ARE AWARE OF。。。） of who they are with the defining（DEFINITION，如果你说的是通过定义的这个动作，应该写THROUGH DEFINING） of the group culture.（总的来说，ETS 喜欢有强逻辑性的文章，也就是说，比如每段的第一句要总述本段的分论点（第一段第一句表明总观点，第一句后阐述分论点，第一段最后呈上起下。。。所以你的第一段应该更有逻辑性。比如中间的 AND应该表示明确的并列性，可是却转而去说命题的另一个方面了。希望你自己重新修改。另外在时间不紧的情况下修改，应该多注意措辞）
I concede（THAT） the analyzing rituals and ceremonies of a society or a group of people is helpful when people try to understand a culture（这有点中国英语的味道。你可以这么说，比如“IT IS  TRUE THAT ANALZING ONE RETUALS AND CEREMONIES OF A PARTICULAR GROUP OF PEOPLE IS A tell（effecitve，valid，resultful ）way to understand their culture”是不是好一些？）, and when people take part in rituals and ceremonies themselves, they may feel more intimate （这个用CLOSER 好一些，尽管我也忘了INTIMATE 的用法，但。。。）with other members of their group, this kind of so-called sense of belonging help people recognize who they are. Rituals and ceremonies are important part of people's social life, in which a certain atmosphere is created by music, lyrics, light and so on. In such atmosphere, people easily share a certain kind of feeling such as happiness, sadness, bitterness, sympathy, and reverence, which is（ARE） part（S） of the culture of the group or the entire society, and which make people feel a strong connection（如果你要说HELP FEEL WHO THEY ARE ，为什么要说CONNECTION？应该是DIFFIFERENCE吧？）to other group members and the group they are in. Through the identity of the group culture, people get a picture of who they are. （ 还是上段的问题，感觉逻辑上比较乱。你最好不要用AND 把命题的两方面连在一起说。这一段的目的是让步，不是吗？先让前半个，再让后半个，把每个都说充分）


However, rituals and ceremonies are not the only way to （HELP）define culture. Arts, including painting, literature, music and etc., which mirro（reflects）r the reflection（self-examination） and contemplation of people, also serve as a way（method，measure，不要总用WAY 啊） to define a culture. Every form of art is base（D） on everyday（DAILY） life and is a concentration （refinery）of the ideas and thoughts hold by certain groups of people, which is also a crucial （vital）part of culture. One needs to look no further than the field of music to see this. Beethoven's music（production，opus，works）, characterized by a strong passion and intensive inner conflict, presents a series of questions to the fate of human being, which arouse with the awakening of individualism（这样说好象是要唤醒利己主义）. And on the contrary（！！！你绝对不能把小贝小莫用CONTRARY啊怎么也应该用CONTRAST啊）, Mozart, who lives in the time a little earlier than Beethoven, composed a type of music more gentle and exquisite, which present the praise and obedience to God, as almost all his contemporaries did.（说句提外的，摸扎特才是真正的ALTRUISM。）（还有，这段没有结尾）
And（又是AND。。。。）, technology, which is a material aspect of a society, can help people to define a culture too（TOO，典型的CHENGLISH口语）（“WHICH IS ANOTHER AVAILABLE measure 。。。）. Some people may argue that, with the development of technology, the pace of our life is becoming faster and faster, a lot of customs are being forgotten, a lot of（不要在你的文章里总用重复的词汇） rituals and ceremonies are being simplified or even abolished, people have fewe（LITTLE）r time to think, but rush here and there trying to catch up with the changing world. Consequently（赞这个词）, the culture of the society just fades away不错. Yes（口语！用IT IS TRUE）, there is something that fades away（不要重复，换成DIE OUT）--the old culture, and at the same time, there is something that is being established--the new culture. The development of technology affects how people live; therefore, affect how people think, which is a component of culture. Internet is a symbol of our time, a time of great efficiency and great pressure. Because of the internet, the world is becoming smaller and smaller, with the transfer of message and information from country to country, from continent to continent in a amazingly high speed; Meanwhile, it is also a world full of overloaded information, in which almost everyone depressingly struggles to find out a little which is useful to them.（根本没感觉是建立了新的独特文化啊，你说SMALLER AND SMALLER 应该是证明各种文化的分界正在消失啊，这段最失败，返工~）
All in all, without rituals and ceremonies people’s sense of who they are is not necessarily diminished, for there are many ways other than rituals and ceremonies that can help us define a culture.（总体来说，语言苍白是最大的特点，但如果逻辑严密就可以忽略，但你的逻辑有点混乱， 命题的后半段论证特别不到位，基本没有自己的看法。如果可以动大手术的话，你应该把你的提纲先分成两部分，第一部分对应有没有HELP，第而部分对应FEEL WHO THEY ARE。否则你的提纲就显现你只侧重了前半个命题）

skaterUID: 2116878

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... type%26typeid%3D103
也拍拍，3X！

alcestisUID: 2101945

en^^^谢鬼鬼斑竹和skater
看看别人的文然后反工 继续努力ing en

flfengUID: 2111823

另外，我把difine culture和sense of self 处理为同义不知妥否
sense of self是你自己组出来的还是哲学上的固定词啊, 自己感觉上的话别人可能不动,只是中文上的映射.如果要谈sense of self可以用其他的稍微形象一点的谈法

Culture is a concept that contains may aspects. Rituals and ceremonies, which can reflect part of the culture, as the speaker says, can help define a culture, but in my view, there are plenty of other ways can be used to define a culture, such as through arts and through technology of a society. And as members of certain group, people get the idea of who they are with the defining of the group culture.
最后一句削弱了thesis statement. 我的想法是这样写:
And members who, belong to a certain group, can get a better idea of who they are by the clear definition of the group culture.


I concede the analyzing rituals and ceremonies of a society or a group of people is helpful when people try to understand a culture, and when people take part in rituals and ceremonies themselves, they may feel more intimate with other members of their group, this kind of so-called sense of belonging help people recognize who they are. 提一点小建议: TS能够用强式的语言会好一点,对于concede,我总觉得是在稍微让步的时候用较多.而且写TS最好讲清就行, 感觉上你的后半句有点拖沓, 倒是可以用作论证的, 它的结构也要强化一下. It is true that the study of rituals and ceremonies provides people an effective way of perceiving and understanding a culture. When people, more or less, get involved in rituals and ceremonies, the feeling of intimacy will be aroused in their group, thus offering a so-called sense of belonging, which helps people to recognize who they are. Rituals and ceremonies are important part of people's social life, in which a certain atmosphere is created by music, lyrics, light and so on. In such atmosphere, people easily share a certain kind of feeling such as happiness, sadness, bitterness, sympathy, and reverence, which is part of the culture of the group or the entire society, and which make people feel a strong connection to other group members and the group they are in. Through the identity of the group culture, people get a picture of who they are.  
这一段论证的确有问题, 主要是不够直接, 可以说主要在讲道理, 应该提一些例子, 具体一些, 紧扣主体.纯讲道理很容易走开哦!!


However, rituals and ceremonies are not the only way to define culture. Arts, including painting, literature, music and etc., which mirror the reflection and contemplation of people, also serve as a way to define a culture. 这个TS就不错,又饱满又有力!! Every form of art is base on everyday life and is a concentration of the ideas and thoughts hold by certain groups of people, which is also a crucial part of culture. One needs to look no further than the field of music to see this. Beethoven's music, characterized by a strong passion and intensive inner conflict, presents a series of questions to the fate of human being, which arouse with the awakening of individualism. And on the contrary, Mozart, who lives in the time a little earlier than Beethoven, composed a type of music more gentle and exquisite, which present the praise and obedience to God, as almost all his contemporaries did.
这里的例子不到位, 用它就要和你的TS连起来, 至少要和文化特质连起来. 我想这样写MOZART 会好一点:
The opus of Mozart gives us a vivid impression of the romantic life style of the early European people who highly value gentleness and exquisiteness, which are certainly points of their culture.

And, technology, which is a material aspect of a society, can help people to define a culture too. Some people may argue that, with the development of technology, the pace of our life is becoming faster and faster, a lot of customs are being forgotten, a lot of rituals and ceremonies are being simplified or even abolished, people have fewer time to think, but rush here and there trying to catch up with the changing world. Consequently, the culture of the society just fades away. Yes, there is something that fades away--the old culture, and at the same time, there is something that is being established--the new culture. The development of technology affects how people live; therefore, affect how people think, which is a component of culture. Internet is a symbol of our time, a time of great efficiency and great pressure. Because of the internet, the world is becoming smaller and smaller, with the transfer of message and information from country to country, from continent to continent in a amazingly high speed; Meanwhile, it is also a world full of overloaded information, in which almost everyone depressingly struggles to find out a little which is useful to them.
从你论述来讲,我觉得你提科技应当讲它对现代文化造成影响.讲culture has modern aspects which could be somewhat define by technology.  然后谈谈你上面的句子.
如果只是说科技对文化, 我感觉很难说, 很多时候是文化的作用较多. 不同国度的文化在科技上的体现较多, 但科技对文化主要体现出现代性, 而这一点全球是趋同的.

All in all, without rituals and ceremonies people’s sense of who they are is not necessarily diminished, for there are many ways other than rituals and ceremonies that can help us define a culture.

我的一点想法, 进贡参考!!

最近忙着看题目, 太紧了一点. 这一片我最近赶着写一下,到时帮我看看!!
谢谢!!

flfengUID: 2111823

我的作业, 实在是不好写, 没有宪时,有空帮忙看看!!

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... type%26typeid%3D103