Argument117 同主题写作 回拍！

azleaUID: 192456

Argument 117
同主题写作，又超时了:( 大家努力的拍呀，定回拍:mad:

The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."

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In the argument, the manager claims that by increasing the stock of home office machines and office supplies their departments will become the most profitable component of their stores. To substantiate the argument, the manager cites a survey showing that a considerable amount of people reported to take more work home than before. However, the argument suffers from some critical fallacies and is therefore unconvincing.

To begin with, the survey must be reliable before I can accept any conclusion based on it. The manager fails to present any evidence about how the survey is conducted. The manager must show that those respondents of the survey constitute a sufficiently large sample, and that the respondents are representative of the general group of office clerk covering those in a diversity of careers. Lacking such information, the credibility of the result and the conclusion based on it is open to doubt.

Even if the result of the survey is credible, it is also unfair to assume that the work-at-home people do need those machines and supplies as the manager suggests. Firstly, it is possible that work taken home by those people is some simple work, such as dealing with some statistics or reading some materials and documents, which may not require the use of those home office machines. Secondly, the need of office supplies might not increase as well. It might be true that people working home might need more office supplies at home, but the quantity they need in the office will decline at the same time. Hence, the result is that the total requirement of the office supplies just remains unchanged. Without ruling out such possibilities, the manager cannot justify his recommendation of any changes.

Finally, without any comparison between the office-supply departments and other departments, the manager's conclusion that their departments will be the most profitable is unwarranted at best. Even if we accept that by taking those actions the manager suggests, the profit of the department will be enhanced to some extent; but it is not to say that the profit they gain will be comparably the highest. The scenario that there might be some other departments which have greater business performance will inevitably weaken the manager's conclusion.

In sum, the argument is logically unpersuasive as it stands. In order to better evaluate the conclusion, we need more information about the way the survey was conducted, and further investigation about the potential requirement of the machines and office supplies. In addition, the comparison with other departments should be taken to support the conclusion.

azleaUID: 192456

先说一下自己的感觉
424words 但是还是超时了
写完之后自己改了一下。觉得正文第一段质疑调查的时候写得好像有点草率，没有抓住关键可以批驳的respondents ；另外就是模板痕迹的问题了，不过如果不采用模板的话时间就更紧了。
剩下的问题，还需要大家多指教:)

提纲如下：
1. 质疑调查是否可信：样本大小以及是否具有代表性
2. 就算把工作带回家的人多了，也未必会增加所说产品的销售量
3. 没有横向比较，作者不能说他们的departments是最profitable的

Chloroplast923UID: 207486

In the argument, the manager claims that by increasing the stock of home office machines and office supplies their departments will become the most profitable component of their stores. To substantiate the argument, the manager cites a survey showing that a considerable amount of people reported to take more work home than before总觉得这里有点怪. However, the argument suffers from some critical fallacies and is therefore unconvincing.

To begin with, the survey must be reliable before I can accept any conclusion based on it. The manager fails to present any evidence about how the survey is conducted. The manager must show that those respondents of the survey constitute a sufficiently large sample, and that the respondents are representative of the general group of office clerk covering those in a diversity of careers. Lacking such information, the credibility of the result and the conclusion based on it is open to doubt. 对于调查。首先可以质疑：1。这调查是谁做的？怎么做的？可信度如何？数据如何处理? 可用一系列的问句做攻击，显的比较有气势，而实际操作性也比较高。2.对于调查有多少feedback？3.收到的feedback中是否代表绝大多数的行业和职业.
你这里已经写得差不多了.再练一下就好

Even if the result of the survey is credible, it is also unfair to assume that the work-at-home people do有人改我作业时说不要用这个强调 need those machines and supplies as the manager suggests. Firstly, it is possible that 加个the work taken home by those people is some simple work, such as dealing with some statistics or reading some materials and documents, which may not require the use of those home office machines. Secondly, the need of office supplies might not increase as well. It might be true that people working home might need more office supplies at home, but the quantity they need in the office will decline at the same time. Hence, the result is that the total requirement of the office supplies just remains unchanged. Without ruling out such possibilities, the manager cannot justify his recommendation of any changes.

Finally, without any comparison between the office-supply departments and other departments, the manager's conclusion that their departments will be the most profitable is unwarranted at best. Even if we accept that by taking those actions the manager suggests, the profit of the department will be enhanced to some extent; but it is not to say that the profit they gain will be comparably the highest. The scenario that there might be some other departments which have greater business performance will inevitably weaken the manager's conclusion.

In sum, the argument is logically unpersuasive as it stands. In order to better evaluate the conclusion, we need more information about the way the survey was conducted, and further investigation about the potential requirement of the machines and office supplies. In addition, the comparison with other departments should be taken to support the conclusion.

整篇文章很流畅,我找不出什么语法错误
就是body的第一段确实弱了点

我的issue 51 (机经加高频)  ,有空来拍拍!:
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=308096

[ Last edited by Chloroplast923 on 2005-7-29 at 10:43 ]