Issue151 技术类 寄托4人组 8-08

bridgewalkerUID: 208595

Issue151  第19篇 今天第一次用台式机键盘写！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：48分 (超时3分)     488 words (460 before polish)
从2005年8月8日9时34分到2005年8月8日10时45分
------题目------
High-speed electronic communications media, such as electronic mail and television, tend to prevent meaningful and thoughtful communication.
------提纲------
Position: 正小负大
B1: 从传媒的本质上讲，同意speaker的观点。因为：
1．没时间思考。
2．被大量junk information分心。
B2: 好好利用还是可以带来N多好处的。
1．远程教育
2．网络会议
B3: 人的问题不能归咎于外物！从自己身上找原因。
------正文------
Do high-speed electronic communication media tend to hinder human beings' meaningful and thoughtful communication? The speaker believes so. Whereas, these media might have negative effect on our communication, if used appropriately, they have the potential to benefit us a lot. And more importantly, it is unjustifiable for us to attribute our own communication problems to these media.

To begin with, according to the nature of these media, I concede that they might prevent us from meaningful and thoughtful communicating. After all, these high-speed electronic communication media, such as email and television, are mass media, aiming at spreading information faster to more people. Spreading faster means the receivers have less time to reflect and absorb, as their predecessors did in traditional ways, the information they received. In addition, since these media incline to send information to more people, the content they choose to broadcast is likely catering to the public's interests. As a result, advertisements and entertainment programs flood in our present Channels and on Internet. And the messages they sent are neither meaningful nor thoughtful. Thus, exposed to these overloaded junk information at a high frequency, it is reasonable that people get distracted from thinking deliberately. In short, if high-speed electronic media continue to send more information to more people at a faster pace, the tendency of less meaningful and thoughtful communication among people will not cease.

However, if used properly, these media can probably enhance our communication to be more effective and deep. In the education field, for instance, equipped by television and internet, our education institutes now can offer distance-learning programs to people all around the earth. Since more students can access the knowledge accumulated by human race more conveniently, no one would deny this communication process is significant and meaningful. Secondly, in business, high-speed communication tools give businessmen more convenience in contrast with their ancestors. In order to save time and be more effective, more and more business groups hold meetings on Internet, instead of wasting couple of days flying elsewhere to attend them. In this way, money, time and human resources have been saved, which certainly means a lot to companies' business.

More essentially, we must cease attributing our communication problems to the lifeless media. First of all, high-speed communication media are just tools used by us to send ideas. They have no ability to judge, evaluate and determine what kind of information should be sent. If we don't use them, they will have no power. Secondly, if people still use most of their spare time indulging in entertainments, their communication would continue to be less meaningful and thoughtful because of their rusted minds.

In sum, present communication media might impede our communication according to their nature. However, if exploiting it in a proper way, our lives can be improved by them. Moreover, there is no justification for us to attribute our negative communication to these tools. Causes on ourselves must be found indeed.

[ Last edited by bridgewalker on 2005-8-9 at 10:20 ]

tangjihedeUID: 2107695

tangjihedeUID: 2107695

High-speed electronic communications media, such as electronic mail and television, tend to prevent meaningful and thoughtful communication.
------提纲------
Position: 正小负大
B1: 从传媒的本质上讲，同意speaker的观点。因为：
1．没时间思考。
2．被大量junk information分心。
B2: 好好利用还是可以带来N多好处的。
1．远程教育
2．网络会议
B3: 人的问题不能归咎于外物！从自己身上找原因。
------正文------
Do high-speed electronic communication media tend to hinder human beings' meaningful and thoughtful communication? The speaker believes so. Whereas,[这个词是连词，似乎不能用逗号和后面的内容分隔（例句：Some people like fat meat, whereas others hate it.）建议去掉逗号。] these media might have negative effect on our communication, if used appropriately, they have the potential to benefit us a lot. And more importantly, it is unjustifiable for us to attribute our own communication problems to these media.[简洁清晰；主题明确；不错]

To begin with, according to the nature of these media, I concede that 【they might prevent us from meaningful】 and thoughtful communicating. After all, these high-speed electronic communication media, such as email and television, are mass media,[逗号用多了，让人感觉句子有些断。建议去掉第二个和第四个。] aiming at spreading information [不错的搭配]faster to more people. Spreading faster means[不必然，建议加个副词减缓语气，如usually ；means后面加that] the receivers have less time to reflect and absorb, as their predecessors did in traditional ways, the information they received. In addition, since these media incline to send information to more people, the content they choose to broadcast is likely catering to the public's interests. As a result, advertisements and entertainment programs flood in our present Channels [没必要大写]and on Internet. And the messages they sent are neither meaningful nor thoughtful. Thus, exposed to these overloaded junk information at a high frequency,【 it is reasonable that people get distracted from thinking deliberately.】 In short, if high-speed electronic media continue to send more information to more people at a faster pace, the tendency of less meaningful and thoughtful communication among people will not cease.

However, if used properly, these media can probably enhance our communication to be more effective and deep. In the education field, for instance, equipped by television and internet, [读到这儿感觉分词作状语的情况太多了，可以交替变化一下]our education institutes now can offer distance-learning[我查了一些argument39和191，远程教育是long-distance learning programs] programs to people all around the earth. Since more students can access the knowledge accumulated by human race more conveniently, no one would deny this communication process is significant and meaningful. Secondly, in business, high-speed communication tools give businessmen more convenience in contrast with their ancestors. In order to save time and be more effective, more and more business groups hold meetings on Internet,[不需要逗号] instead of wasting couple of days flying elsewhere to attend them. In this way,[可以放在saved 的后面] money, time and human resources have been saved, which certainly means a lot to companies' business.

More essentially, we must 】cease attributing our communication problems to the lifeless media.【 First of all, high-speed communication media are just tools used by us to send ideas. They have no ability to judge, evaluate and determine what kind of information should be sent. If we don't [不要用缩写]use them, they will have no power. Secondly, [第二个secondly了。可以换in addition， besides， on the other hand。。。] if people still use most of their spare time indulging in entertainments, their communication would continue to be less meaningful and thoughtful because of their rusted minds. [第一次看到这个说法。不过感觉还是有些冒犯了吧，换个弱一些的词儿吧] [另外，在本段最后加一句来汇拢一下意思]

[感觉这段可以加强。B1说本身负的一面，B2说本身正的一面，B3说正负取决于人的使用。而在B1中（【】部分）你己经说他们本身有负影响，并为人的因素开脱，这和第三段（】【）似乎直接冲突了，请注意这个问题]

In sum, present communication media might impede our communication according to[due to（可以用，就是提醒一下可以换词）] their nature. However, if exploiting it in a proper way, [建议去掉however，在这个位置加nevertheless，] our lives[主语不符。人exploit，而不是lives] can be improved by them[前面是it。感觉这里不要用代词，说significantly improved就行了。]. Moreover, there is no justification for us to attribute[impute] our negative communication to these tools. Causes[responsibility是不是更好？]on ourselves must be found indeed.

语言不错，再多注意变化就更好了。我发现你习惯用断句，如果在几个长句之间当然很好，但在没有长句子在场的情况下过多的断句让人读的意思不连贯。能不用逗号的地方就不用了吧。提纲也很好，但结构的问题见上文。加油！

bridgewalkerUID: 208595

distance-learning[我查了一些argument39和191，远程教育是long-distance learning programs]

都可以吧！我在孙远工具箱里面看的。

很多都是真知灼见，感谢了！