ISSUE154 决战830拍砖组8月16日作业 同主题高频狂练,请兄弟们狂拍

momo56288860UID: 191433

Issue154  第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
   556 words
提纲
观点:家长、社会、教育家都应该投入到教育小孩中去。
1.家长参加的重要性。
2.社会参与的重要性。
3.家长、社会、教师需要共同合作才能才能教育好小孩。
------题目------
Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators.
------正文------
The arguer claims that because education is so important that both parents and communities must take part in the local schools, but no leave professional educators alone to educate children. I strongly agree with what the arguer advices.The education, just conducted by professional educators, will be not a perfect one if there are not the joining of parents and communities.

In the first place, so many  good opportunities do parents have to affect theire children.On one hand, parents can teach their children what the children should learn and how  the children learn in dailylife. As we know, children have much time to stay with their parents everyday besides the time they spend in school. In other words, those children can learn many knowledges which is not  taught in schools.On other hand, the behavious of parents deeple affect the children. Due to the close relation to the children, the children often more convince what their parents say, what their parents think and what their parents do than those of other people. And it is very easy for children to mimic their parents despite of they do not recognize whether it is wrong or right about their parent`s language and action. Therefore, only restricting hardly on their daily disciplines can parents be a good teachers to their children.

In the second place, it is very important for communities to concern our children. Likely what have discussed above, the children have much time to contact with the society. Children can learn from What the children see by their eyes, What the children hear by their eirs, What the children touch by their hands in the society. If there are not kind social environment, what the children receive from it would all be rubbish. Besides, communities provide not only envirenment for children, but also the educational funds what the school need to build basic educational platform. If there are not enough money, school cannot afford for the basic requirement of teaching, such desks, books and even pencils and so foreth. Therefore, communities should make effort to care our children through building favorable environment supporting school`s education.

Finally,  Education needs the cooperation of parents, communities and professional educators of school to serve children. It is commonly considering that children is everything of the future just likely what the first Chinese President, MaoZedong said: The world belongs to ours and also belongs to yours, but in the end belongs to yours. what President Mao wanted to express was how important it is educate our future—children by utilizing all force of our society. Besides, as a matter of fact, for all the children, many educators convince that parents are the enlightening teachers, communities are the meltings and supplying stations, and school teachers are the soul engineer. Hence, for the future of children, for the better education for the children, for the progress of the children, only those three should rearrang their preponderant resource to devote to our children, can our offspring achieve education in the bright rooms,  where there are parent`s love, commuties`involving, and professional eductors` instructing.

In conclusion, there are still more evidences to support the foregoing claim, which, unfortunitely, have no time to illustrate in detail. But what I discussed above should well demonstrate that only the cooperation of parents, communities and professional educators can education will reach its purpose.

请留下你的链接，有拍比回

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-8-17 at 01:21 ]

yxepochUID: 2124411

The arguer claims that because education is so important that both parents and communities must take part in the local schools, but no leave(without leaving) professional educators alone to educate children. I strongly agree with what the arguer advices.The education, just conducted by professional educators, will be not a perfect one if there are not the joining(without combination) of parents and communities.

In the first place, so many  good opportunities(opportunities is not a proper word to express your meanings here) do parents have to affect theire children.On one hand, parents can teach their children what the children (they)should learn and how  the children(they) learn in dailylife. As we know, children have much time to stay with their parents everyday besides the time they spend in school. In other words, those children can learn many knowledges which is not  taught in schools.On other hand, the behavious of parents deeple affect the children. Due to the close relation to (with)the children, the children(去掉the) often more convince(absorb is better) what their parents say, what their parents think and what their parents do than those of other people. And it is very easy for children to mimic their parents despite of (后面跟句子就不能有of了)they do not recognize whether it is wrong or right about their parent`s language and action. Therefore, only restricting hardly on their daily disciplines can parents be a good teachers to their children.(最后一句放在这里不好)
本段中应该是要讲教育应该把家长纳入其中因为他们和孩子有十分亲密的关系,所以出现类似于they do not recognize whether it is wrong or right about their parent`s language and action就不是很好了,如果家长做的是错的,那把他们纳入教育中就应该是不好的咯?

In the second place, it is very important for communities to concern our children. Likely what have discussed above, the children have much time to contact with the society.(上段并没有提到和community有紧密联系) Children can learn from What the children see by their eyes, What the children hear by their eirs, What the children touch by their hands in the society.(这句表达太过直白,尤其是最后一个类比,不是太好) If there are not kind social environment, what the children receive from it would all be rubbish.(建议去掉这句话) Besides, communities provide not only envirenment for children, but also the educational funds what the school need to build basic educational platform. If there are not enough money, school cannot afford for the basic requirement of teaching, such desks, books and even pencils and so foreth. Therefore, communities should make effort to care our children through building favorable environment supporting school`s education.(前面的例子举地不错,但最后一句的角度有问题,是我们要主动将社区的力量融入近来,而不是社区应该如何如何)

Finally,  Education needs the cooperation of parents, communities and professional educators of school to serve children. It is commonly considering that children is everything of the future just likely what the first Chinese President, MaoZedong said: The world belongs to ours and also belongs to yours, but in the end belongs to yours. what President Mao wanted to express was how important it is educate our future—children by utilizing all force of our society(本句语法有点问题,而且毛泽东的这句话好象不是要表达教育的问题吧). Besides, as a matter of fact, for all the children, many educators convince that parents are the enlightening teachers, communities are the meltings and supplying stations, and school teachers are the soul engineer. Hence, for the future of children, for the better education for the children, for the progress of the children, only those three should rearrang (物可以作rearrange的主语吗?)their preponderant resource to devote to our children, can our offspring achieve education in the bright rooms,  where there are parent`s love, commuties`involving, and professional eductors` instructing.
我觉得这段的当中还可以,开头的例子有点偏了
In conclusion, there are still more evidences to support the foregoing claim, which, unfortunitely, have no time to illustrate in detail. But what I discussed above should well demonstrate that only the cooperation of parents, communities and professional educators can education will reach its purpose.

有三个不足之处,一语法上存在一些错误;二用词重复较多,尤其是children这个词,出现频率很高哦;三有些chinglish, 不知道为什么,就是这种感觉.
我恨恨拍了,别怪我哦!

nanziUID: 2126362

The arguer claims that because education is so important that both parents and communities must take part in the local schools, but no leave(改为instead of leaving) professional educators alone to educate children. I strongly agree with what the arguer advices. The (去掉the) education, just conducted by professional educators, will be not a perfect one if there are not the joining (改为participation也许更好一些) of parents and communities.第一段结构完整，但语言上的问题不容忽视
In the first place, so many  good opportunities do parents have to affect their children. On one hand, parents can teach their children what the children （改为they） should learn and how  the children learn in daily life. As we know, children have much time to stay with their parents everyday besides(改为compared to是否更顺) the time they spend in school. In other words, those children can learn many knowledges （改为knowledge，不可数名词，不能用many修饰） which is not  taught in schools. On （少了the）other hand, the behavious (behavior) of parents deeple(deeply) affect the children. Due to the close relation to the children, the children often more convince(好像语法有问题吧，改为the children are more convinced with) what their parents say, what their parents think and what their parents do than those of other people. And it is very easy for children to mimic their parents despite of they do not recognize whether it is wrong or right about their parent`s language and action。（这句好像看不太懂啊） Therefore, only restricting hardly on their daily disciplines（hardly在此句中用错了吧，是否可改为only through strict disciplines in their daily life can ...） can parents be a good teachers to their children.

In the second place, it is very important for communities to concern (concern在这里不太合适吧，可以考虑take care for) our children. Likely(改为as好像更顺一些) what have （少了been）discussed above, the children have much time to contact with the society. Children can learn from What the children see by their eyes, What the children hear by their eirs, What the children touch by their hands in the society. If there are not kind social environment, what the children receive from it would all be rubbish. Besides, communities provide not only envirenment for children, but also the educational funds what the school need to build basic educational platform. If there are not enough money, school cannot afford for the basic requirement of teaching, such (少了as)desks, books and even pencils and so foreth. Therefore, communities should make effort to care our children through building favorable environment supporting school`s education.

Finally,  Education needs the cooperation of parents, communities and professional educators of school to serve(改为forge是不是意思更明确一些) children. It is commonly considering that children is everything of the future just likely what the first Chinese President, MaoZedong said: The world belongs to ours and also belongs to yours, but in the end belongs to yours. what President Mao wanted to express was how important it is （少了to）educate our future—children by utilizing all force of our society. Besides, as a matter of fact, for all the children, many educators convince that parents are the enlightening teachers, communities are the meltings(你是想说熔炉的意思吧？？meltings 在这里不合适，但我好像也没有更好的词) and supplying stations, and school teachers are the soul engineer.（这个比喻还是不错的） Hence, for the future of children, for the better education for the children, for the progress of the children, only those three should rearrang（不知你要用那个词，按照你的意思，combine不知可否） their preponderant resource to devote to our children, can our offspring achieve education in the bright rooms,  where there are parent`s love, communities’ involving, and professional educators` instructing.

In conclusion, there are still more evidences to support the foregoing claim, which, unfortunitely, have no time to illustrate in detail. But what I discussed above should well demonstrate that only the  cooperation of parents, communities and professional educators can education will reach its purpose.（最后一句不通，这样改也许可以，....only through cooperation of parents, communities and professional educators, can education ultimately reach its real optimum goals.）


这篇文章在总体结构上还是清楚的，要重视的是语言上的问题，尤其是语法和单词拼写方面。文章有思想和内容，就是表达上有些欠缺，有时句子意思不太清楚。
里面有许多值得我学习的地方，谢！
加油！