再来一篇..期待ing...

jbbvsjzzUID: 2390457

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and staring university studies.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

While most teenagers are stepping into universities after graduating from high school, many passionate ones are wriggling to looking for jobs or traveling far away from home, expecting new opportunities as well as challenges before settling their new lives in universities. In this essay, I will discuss the advantages and disadvantages in both sides.

If children are guided to work too early, their studies will be delayed. Besides, massive negative factors from society may also mislead them. Teenage period is the best time for children to study, their responses to every question and memories are much faster and better than adults. So they really should continue their studies directly instead of wasting time on working or traveling. Meanwhile, teenagers are still growing, sometimes they lack life experiences to judge what is right and what is wrong and also easy to fall into dark traps from different corners in society. However, governments should pay more attention on issues of children’s growth.

In spite of this, working or traveling for a year between graduating high school and staring university is also a valuable life experience to every child. They can experience how hard to earn money and have more chance to get in touch with different people from different social stratums in order to adapt society as early as possible. Its is also a significant promotion for them to combine the truths they have learnt from schools with their experiences by first hand, which will affect and benefit them a lot in their future lives.

In summary, no matter entering universities directly or working, traveling a year first, governments should always encourage teenagers to find their own interests and mobilize whole society to help their growing.

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-9-13 14:56 编辑 ]

jbbvsjzzUID: 2390457

为什么最后一段滴字总是那么大哩？...:confused: :confused: :(

forbeckUID: 2297645

帮你改一下字体吧~~~~~~

晚上来修改:handshake

forbeckUID: 2297645

While most teenagers are stepping into universities after graduating from high school, many passionate ones are wriggling to looking for jobs or traveling far away from home, expecting new opportunities as well as challenges before settling their new lives in universities. In this essay, I will discuss the advantages and disadvantages in both sides.首段将题目修改得很到位哦

这里没有过渡，突然冒出一个对立观点，最好加上一些连接词或句子，让文字更顺畅，这是雅思作文中很重要的一点If children are guided to work too early, their studies will be delayed. Besides, massive negative factors from society may also mislead them. Teenage period is the best time for children to study, their responses to every question and memories are much faster and better than adults. So they really should这个词可以考虑用在有些人认为的观点中，若用在自己的观点中，语言就显得过于主观 continue their studies directly instead of wasting time on working or traveling. Meanwhile, teenagers are still growing, sometimes they lack life experiences to judge what is right and what is wrong and arealso easy to fall into dark traps from different corners in society. Howevergovernments should又是一个命令人的词 pay more attention on issues of children’s这个应该已经超出了children的范围，用adolescences'? growth.

In spite of this, working or traveling for a year between graduating high school and starting university is also a valuable life experience to every child. They can experience how hard to earn money and have more chances to get in touch with different people from different social stratums in order to adapt society as early as possible. Its/It is also a significant promotion for them to combine the truths they have learnt from schools with their experiences by first hand, which will affect and benefit them a lot in their future lives.

In summary, no matter entering universities directly or working, traveling a year first, governments should always encourage teenagers to find their own interests and mobilize whole society to help their growing.
建议：
1、这种类型的题目，没有必要在文章的首段提出自己的观点，但是一篇文章的灵魂还是自己的思想。你在最后一段虽然提出了解决方法，更保险的方法还是总结一下自己的观点；
2、然后就是语言的客观性
3、说好的吧，深入讨论的body很有深度，很有条理，语言也挺好的，嗬嗬！俺觉得挺不错的

jbbvsjzzUID: 2390457

谢谢牛儿，偶会再接再厉滴...:handshake :) :loveliness:

futuremanUID: 2327059

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and staring university studies.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

While most teenagers are stepping into universities after graduating from high school, many passionate ones are wriggling to looking for jobs or traveling far away from home, expecting new opportunities as well as challenges before settling their new lives in universities. In this essay, I will discuss the advantages and disadvantages in both sides.[开头很好]

[那么这段是说好处还是坏处呢，不知道，起码从第一句来看，很模糊，这是很糟糕的TS]If children are guided to work too early, their studies will be delayed. Besides, massive negative factors from society may also mislead them. [从这里论证开始，但是你的TS最好合并成一句话，并且能统领你下面论证的两个原因]Teenage period is the best time for children to study, their responses to every question and memories are much faster and better than adults. So they really should continue their studies directly instead of wasting time on working or traveling. [meanwhile是信号词，开始论证第二个原因]Meanwhile, teenagers are still growing, sometimes they lack life experiences to judge what is right and what is wrong and also easy to fall into dark traps from different corners in society. However, governments should pay more attention on issues of children’s growth.[最后一句扯出government，但是本段压根没说过，最后写这么一下，太突兀了，大忌]

In spite of this, working or traveling for a year between graduating high school and staring university is also a valuable life experience to every child. They can experience how hard to earn money and have more chance to get in touch with different people from different social stratums in order to adapt society as early as possible. [第二个原因，用also作信号词]Its is also a significant promotion for them to combine the truths they have learnt from schools with their experiences by first hand, which will affect and benefit them a lot in their future lives.

In summary, no matter entering universities directly or working, traveling a year first, governments should always encourage teenagers to find their own interests and mobilize whole society to help their growing.[又提到government, 题目也没有让你写government应该怎么做啊，最后一段写偏了]

比上篇有进步，但要注意第二段TS的写法，尽量在段首使用用过渡句或过渡词。
另外，注意审题，注意总结句和总结段的写法。
分别论证了advantage和disadvantage的两个原因，论证是比较彻底的，我很欣赏。
精改一遍贴上来，视你的修改情况收录优秀习作 ^__^  加油~

jbbvsjzzUID: 2390457

恩恩.谢谢你们哇..我仔细修改...:handshake :loveliness: :)