09年2月-3月GRE作文冲刺组】2月17日作业

tanyujing2UID: 2600111

Argument 235:
TIME:30
WORD:302

As what was said in the memorandum, the arguer thought that is the fact that the number of older people had increased and the number of total listeners had declined showed the reasons to shift the programming from rock-and-roll music to news format. However, his suggestions are based on the false presumptions and false analogy below.

Initially, there is no evidence to show the older people would prefer continuous news format rather than rock-and-roll. Actually, the older generation were possible the Baby Bombers who were envolved in the rock-and-roll music. And It is unclear that the reason that the declination of the listeners in that area. May be they focused on other interesting things such as cooking, fishing instead of the political news.

Secondly, the author fails to provide the cogent evidence to show the decreasing sales on the music stores in this area lies on the fact that people do not like music any more. May be people wanted to download music from Internet, may be the price of the recorded music discs is higher than before, may be there is not so many newly released albums on sales in that store.

Last but not least, the author suggested the station KNOW to program more political news in that the nearby city’s successful of programming continuous political news. This is a false analogy. The author fails to provides us the similarities of the two cities to conclude that if we take the identical measure which was took by the nearby city, we would also succeed.

In sum, the author fails to consider some important aspect of the issue, and make hasty generalization to convince us his suggestion would be successful.
The author should be assiduous to gain more investigations to provide us the reliable evidences showing the validity of his opinion.

liuhantony2UID: 2597441

As what was said in the memorandum, the arguer thought that is the fact that the number of older people had increased and the number of total listeners had declined showed the reasons to shift the programming from rock-and-roll music to news format. However, his suggestions are based on the false presumptions and false analogy below.

Initially, there is no evidence to show the older people would prefer continuous news format rather than rock-and-roll. Actually, the older generation were possible the Baby Bombers(他因要找的合理一些，才更有说服力，这里的它因有点悬乎，不如说这些老人从年轻时候起可能就很喜欢摇滚，老人人数上升，即他们搬来住也许正是因为我们这里的摇滚音乐气氛浓厚) who were envolved in the rock-and-roll music. And It is unclear that the reason that the declination of the listeners in that area. May be they focused on other interesting things such as cooking, fishing instead of the political news.（喜欢别的就不听音乐了？这点没有说透）

Secondly, the author fails to provide the cogent evidence to show the decreasing sales on the music stores in this area lies on the fact that people do not like music any more. May be people wanted to download music from Internet, may be the price of the recorded music discs is higher than before, may be there is not so many newly released albums on sales in that store.

Last but not least, the author suggested the station KNOW to program more political news in that the nearby city’s successful of programming continuous political news. This is a false analogy. The author fails to provides us the similarities of the two cities to conclude that if we take the identical measure which was took by the nearby city, we would also succeed.（这里说的太模糊了，想有说服力就要提供具体理由，比如人们的偏好不同（怎么不同说一句），两个地方的传统不同（怎么不同再说一句），这些不同没有考虑，但却可能影响到结果。。。）

In sum, the author fails to consider some important aspect of the issue, and make hasty generalization to convince us his suggestion would be successful.
The author should be assiduous to gain more investigations to provide us the reliable evidences showing the validity of his opinion.

Comment:
错误找的不错，不过展开问题比较大（这也是A拿分多少最重要的区别，错误人人都会找）。
首先，希望能在你的段落中看到层次，比如几个让步，而不只是单纯的几个perhaps，而且举例较多时要先概括，再细说，这些都会使你的文章更清晰，更有说服力
其次，你的细节太少了，尤其是说false analogy，研究一下交通事故的范文，看看它的false analogy 怎样写的，细节说的少了，大空话也没有说服力。
语言错误我就不指出了，一来不多，而来你自己可以解决~加油
Sorry to sound so critical.
Good luck~