0910AW 同主题写作第二期 ARGUMENT173 by xiaoxiaoW

xiaoxiaoWUID: 2611108

这是我写的第一篇阿狗，大家狠劈啊


ARGUMENT173
The following is a memorandum issued by thepublisher of a newsmagazine, Newsbeat, in the country of Dinn.

'Our poorest-sellingmagazine issues over the past three years were those that featuredinternational news stories on their front covers. Over the same period,competing news-magazines have significantly decreased the number of coverstories that they devote to international news. Moreover, the cost ofmaintaining our foreign bureaus to report on international news is increasing.Therefore, we should decrease our emphasis on international news and refrainfrom displaying such stories on our magazine covers.'


In this article, the publisher of the  magazine claims that to promote the sales volume, the magazine should de-emphasize international news and refrain from displaying such stories on its covers for the three reasons mentioned. These reasons seem credible at the first glance, yet the conclusionis flawed in several critical respects.

First of all, the publisher provides no evidence that those issues featured with international news stories on their front covers is the straightforward reason why those issues are the poorest-selling magazine issues over the past three reason. It can be explained by various reasons.First, considering the fact that people who buy magazines in kiosks rather thanpeople subscribe magazines for a whole year influence the sales a lot, many factors affect their choice of magazines. Perhaps international news themselves are not as interesting as those magazines on other aspects like music during that period. In addition, with the development of technology, mobile phones and other tools are able to provide a flat that keep the user informed as well as the role magazines played for years. E-books can also be an impact to magazine sales. If so, it might be a mistake to refrain international news if they are interesting, and to say that it is covers featured with international news leads to the declination of the magazine.

Secondly, the publisher fails to prove that those competing magazines decrease the number of cover stories that they devote to international news due to the same circumstance they are facing, instead of other possible reasons such as the lack of running funds, the transformation to another system focusing something else. If so, the publisher’s recommendation makes no sense. What’s more, if facing the same circumstance with Newsbeat, the publisher did not indicate the results of other competing magazines decreasing their focus on international news. The less news we know, the less reliable the results of the recommendation.

Finally, even if the cost of maintaining foreign bureaus of magazines is increasing, the publisher concludes too hastily that the de-emphasis of the international news and the restraint of displaying suchstories on covers. The publisher overlook the possibility that Newsbeat will make more profit if they insist on in such economical circumstance where many competing magazines are declining, If so, to carry on might be a better choice than to de-emphasize. The publisher simply cannot justify his recommendation without considering the possible scenario.

In sum, the argument has not convince me that Newsbeat should de-emphasize the international news and restrain from displaying suchstories on covers of magazines. To strengthen the argument, the publisher must tell readers what is the most ostensible reason for the declining sales volume,what are the results of those competing magazines that decrease their emphasison international news and the reason why they de-emphasize. The author also should reconsider this argument under a prospective, profound scenario that thepossible profits Newsbeats will get . To assess the arguments better, we also need to know influence that brought by technology like E-books on the sales.

greenxsUID: 2529289

In this article, the publisher of the magazine claims that to promote the sales volume,可去掉
the magazine should de-emphasize international news and refrain from displaying such stories on its covers for the three reasons mentioned. These reasons seem credible at the first glance, yet the conclusionis 拼错了，发文前最好在word里检查一下拼写flawed in several critical respects.

First of all, the publisher provides no evidence that those issues featured with international news stories on their front covers is the straightforward reason why those issues are the poorest-selling magazine issues over the past three reasons. It can be explained by various reasons. First, considering the fact that people who buy magazines in kiosks rather than people subscribe magazines for a whole year influence the sales a lot, many factors could affect their choice of magazines. Perhaps international news themselves 去掉are not as interesting as those magazines on other aspects like music during that period. In addition, with the development of technology, mobile phones and other tools are able to provide a flat that keep the user informed as well as the role magazines played for years. E-books can also be an impact to magazine sales. If so, it might be a mistake to refrain international news if they are interesting, and to say that it is covers featured with international news leads to the declination of the magazine.这段我觉得是既然first已经出来了，后面的就一点一点的写清楚，不要揉在一起写

Secondly, the publisher fails to prove that those competing magazines decrease the number of cover stories that they devote to international news due to the same circumstance they are facing, 这个好像就没用，这句子太长了，应该先给一个主题句instead of other possible reasons such as the lack of running funds, the transformation to another system focusing something else. If so, the publisher’s recommendation makes no sense. What’s more, if facing the same circumstance with Newsbeat, the publisher did not indicate the results of other competing magazines decreasing their focus on international news. The less news we know, the less reliable the results of the recommendation.

Finally, even if the cost of maintaining foreign bureaus of magazines is increasing, the publisher concludes too hastily that the de-emphasis of the international news and the restraint of displaying such stories on covers. The publisher overlooks the possibility that Newsbeat will make more profits if they insist on in such economical circumstance where many competing magazines are declining, 我觉得你很多地方忘记点句号，以至于句子太长If so, to carry on might be a better choice than to de-emphasize. The publisher simply cannot justify his recommendation without considering the possible scenario.

In sum, the argument has not convinced me that Newsbeat should de-emphasize the international news and restrain from displaying such stories on covers of magazines. To strengthen the argument, the publisher must tell readers what is the most ostensible reason for the declining sales volume,what are the results of those competing magazines that decrease their emphasis on international news and the reason why they de-emphasize. The author also should reconsider this argument under a prospective, profound scenario that thepossible profits Newsbeats will get . To assess the arguments better, we also need to know influence that brought by technology like E-books on the sales.

第一篇的话写的很不错了，我的建议是发文之前先在word里改一下，然后一定不要写太长的句子，一下写三行那种。那种大长句在gre阅读都很少见的。。。

加油~~~


1# xiaoxiaoW

xiaoxiaoWUID: 2611108

2# greenxs
多谢修改:)

水岩663UID: 2538544

我是你的下家~

In this article, the publisher of the  magazine claims that to promote the sales volume（sales volume没错，前面的promote不知道对吗？可以改为stimulate sales）, the magazine should de-emphasize international news and refrain from displaying such stories on its covers for the three reasons mentioned(短语加在这里读起来不太通顺，“the”). These reasons seem credible at the first glance, yet the conclusionis(conclusion) flawed in several critical respects.

First of all, the publisher provides no evidence that those issues featured with international news stories on their front covers is the straightforward reason(明白你的意思，不知用法有问题吗) why those issues are the poorest-selling magazine issues (两个issue重复，改为ones)over the past three reason（years）. It can be explained by various reasons.⑴（以下⑴--⑺原文未空格，建议用word检查标出红线和蓝线的地方）First, considering the fact that people who buy magazines in kiosks rather than⑵people subscribe magazines for a whole year influence the sales a lot, many factors （could） affect their choice of magazines. Perhaps international news themselves are（were） not as interesting as those magazines on other aspects（啰嗦，those即可）like music during that period. In addition, with the development of technology, mobile phones and other tools are able to provide a flat that keep the user informed as well as the role magazines played for years. E-books can also be an impact to magazine sales. （觉得花在外因上的文字太多了，应该再讲讲是他们杂志本身的因素，比如封面设计，里面内容质量等等） If so, it might be a mistake to refrain international news if they are interesting, and to say（不能这么用吧） that it is covers featured with international news leads to the declination of the magazine.

Secondly, the publisher fails to prove that those competing magazines decrease the number of cover stories that they devote to international news（有点长，应把原文内容适当的改写） due to the same circumstance they are facing, instead of other possible reasons such as the lack of running funds, the transformation to another system focusing something else.（主题句应该简单有力，这句不太好噢~） If so, the publisher’s recommendation makes no sense. What’s more, if （这句主语和前面的不一样，最好指出来，别省略）facing the same circumstance with Newsbeat, the publisher did not indicate the results of other competing magazines decreasing their focus on international news. The less news we know, the less reliable the results of the recommendation.

Finally, even if the cost of maintaining foreign bureaus of magazines is increasing, the publisher concludes too hastily that the de-emphasis of the international news and the restraint of displaying such⑶stories on covers. The publisher overlooks the possibility that Newsbeat will（would）make more profits if they insist on in such economical circumstance where many competing magazines are declining,(.) If so, to carry on might be a better choice than to de-emphasize. The publisher simply cannot justify his recommendation without considering the possible scenario (scenario已表示可能的事情，无需加possible)，（另外感觉这一段没多少内容，可以讲讲他要是这样做了，会有哪些不好的后果等等).

In sum, the argument has（两个谓语，改为can或者后面改为convinced）not convince me that Newsbeat should de-emphasize the international news and restrain from displaying such ⑷stories on covers of magazines. To strengthen the argument, the publisher must tell readers what is the most ostensible reason for the declining sales volume,⑸what are the results of those competing magazines that decrease（动词形式有问题，改为完成或过去） their emphasis ⑹on international news and the reason why they de-emphasize. The author also should reconsider this argument under a prospective, profound scenario that the⑺possible profits Newsbeats will get. To assess the arguments（去掉s） better, we also need to know influence that brought by technology like E-books on the sales.

水岩663UID: 2538544

改的不对的地方欢迎交流~