0910AW 同主题写作第七期 ARGUMENT101 WDI小组by neu龙卷风

neu龙卷风UID: 2513096

101. The following appeared in a memo from the president of a company that makes breakfast cereals.

"In a recent study, subjects who ate soybeans at least five times per week had significantly lower cholesterol levels than subjects who ate no soy products. By fortifying our Wheat-O cereal with soy protein, we can increase sales by appealing to additional consumers who are concerned about their health. This new version of Wheat-O should increase company profits and, at the same time, improve the health of our customers."

在最近的一次调查中，那些每周至少吃五次大豆的调查对象的胆固醇值比不吃大豆制品的人低很多。通过在我们的Wheat-O麦片中添加大豆蛋白，我们可以通过吸引更多的关注自身健康的消费者来增加销量。这种新的Wheat-O应该能够增加公司的利润，并且同时促进我们消费者的健康。

The memo above might make sense in some case, however, if we drew a more specific look, we would find that there were still, a few flaws in logic. For one thing, the study itself from which the president of the cereal company get the conclusion was unconvincible, let alone the idea of increasing company's profit and meanwhile improving the customers' health condition.% p$




As mentioned above, for a study to be truthful and accurate, it must be designed to have a balance between the exprimental and the control groups. However apparently, the study above failed to acknowledge us with anything in detail about the studied groups, such as age, gender, smoking and drinking habits, etc.. Imagine the conducted groups were composed by people from different ages, all the people within who ate soybeans were teens while who ate no soy were over 50s, the investigation might draw a similar result, in spite of the impact of the soybeans, as well. For the same reason, if the ones who were used to eat soy were also frequent guests of gyms and tended to have some workout several times per week, the hobby of taking exercise would too, be an element distributing to a more healthy condition.7 X8 }0 u9 }: |5 |' {& \



Even if the study on which the president based his conclusion was representive, the link between the soybean-added cereal and a more impressive profit still remains rather feeble. It is common sense that when a consumer is wandering along the shelves full of breakfast of every kind, she/he is more likely to choose what her/his family will be eating based on the provided nurtrient besides the flavor and taste of the cereal. Accordingly, with a better and more balanced nurtrition diagram yet a very hideous taste, the new cereal product may be posssibly not as popular as the president thought it would be., K; V& \4 n" [. z



Nevertheless, let's assume even after fortifying with soy protein, the Wheat-O still tastes pretty good, or just normal, the whole plan will not be 100% assured to lead to a profit increase. True, that the company may meet a larger market, and in turn sell out more of its products, thus earn more gain. But we should also put the cost of production under consideration. Perhaps in order to somehow attain enough soy protein, and fortify them with the Wheat-O at a proper amount so that the consumer will be having as much the nurtrition as those who eat soybean directly, the company will pay a fortune on related experiments. In this case, the income will simply be paying for the output, the company's profit will remain unchaged or even be decreased.

Finally, there were several more minor errors that I didn't take into account which might also cause trouble. For instance, how much soybean it was if a person ate it 5 times a week? 10 grams at a time or just 1? 9 _4 V2 l) V/ u( o+ e: }' X, z* b
* A+ H4 }- ?3 D: X( B" N4 \  ?; n
To sum up, the president made a mistake to base his conclusion on a dubious study which needed improving in so many aspects. In addition, if he wants to sound more convincible, he may try to provide a clearer market research with more information in detail.



E& \5 L* R) t

lucarlUID: 2616426

101. The following appeared in a memo from the president of a company that makes breakfast cereals.

"In a recent study, subjects who ate soybeans at least five times per week had significantly lower cholesterol levels than subjects who ate no soy products. By fortifying our Wheat-O cereal with soy protein, we can increase sales by appealing to additional consumers who are concerned about their health. This new version of Wheat-O should increase company profits and, at the same time, improve the health of our customers."

The memo above might make sense in some case; however, if we drew a more specific look, we would find that there were still, a few flaws in logic.真的不推荐这些模板句~ 砍掉吧，直接说正事儿。开头的写作可以看一下Irvine666版主的heaven in flowers系列，批判性学习一下~For one thing, the study itself from which the president of the cereal company get the conclusion was inconvincible, let alone这个词我感觉用的很好，不过我不知道它的具体意思，能跟我说说么~学习一下 the idea of increasing company's profit and meanwhile improving the customers' health condition.

As mentioned above, for a study to be truthful and accurate, it must be designed to have a balance between the experimental and the control groups. However apparently, the study above failed to acknowledge us with anything in detail about the studied groups, such as age, gender, smoking and drinking habits这个他因很好，没想到，学习~, etc.. Imagine the conducted groups were composed by people from different ages, all the people within who ate soybeans were teens while who ate no soy were over 50s这个可能性，怎么说呢。这属于质疑人家的科学态度，打人家的脸。做这样调查的人无论如何都是搞科学的，连这个都不懂，还混个p。这么攻击这个study给人一种瞎猜，无赖的感觉。Anyway，还是看heaven in flowers系列吧，真的有帮助的说~如果要我攻击这个study，就用你前面说的smoking and drinking：很可能调查者忘记了解subjects的烟史和酒史了。, the investigation might draw a similar result, in spite of the impact of the soybeans, as well. For the same reason, if the ones who were used to eat soy were also frequent guests of gyms and tended to have some workout several times per week, the hobby of taking exercise would too, be an element distributing to a more healthy condition.

Even if the study on which the president based his conclusion was representive（换换, even if the study is effective，或者其他更好的表达。因为represent这个意思想换成形容词，太难了。）, the link between the soybean-added cereal and a more impressive profit still remains rather feeble. It is common sense that when a consumer is wandering along the shelves full of breakfast of every kind, she/he is more likely to choose what her/his family will be eating based on the provided nutrient besides the flavor and taste of the cereal. Accordingly, with a better and more balanced nutrition diagram yet a very hideous taste, the new cereal product may be posssibly not as popular as the president thought it would be.

Nevertheless, let's assume even after fortifying with soy protein, the Wheat-O still tastes pretty good （来说一下让步的问题：这个加入soy protein后口味变了是你假设的，现在你又说“即使口味没变”，其实整个argument中作者根本没说口味的事儿，这只是你用来说Profit可能不增加的他因。所以用这一点来做让步，不好。Anyway，继续推荐读精华：heaven in flowers系列，让步那一贴。可能这里我说的也不准确，因为那个帖子我也在吸收中，还没有完全读懂。你看了之后咱们交流一下~呵呵~, or just normal, the whole plan will not be 100% assured to lead to a profit increase. True, that the company may meet a larger market, and in turn sell out more of its products, thus earn more gain. But we should also put the cost of production under consideration. Perhaps in order to somehow attain enough soy protein, and fortify them with the Wheat-O at a proper amount so that the consumer will be having as much the nutrition as those who eat soybean directly, the company will pay a fortune on related experiments. In this case, the income will simply be paying for the output, the company's profit will remain unchanged or even be decreased.

总结：
本段思路：公司可能要付出研究费用-----> 所以即使市场大了也不一定会profit。
按照常理，如果你开一个公司，现在有个能够提高市场占有率的新技术，但是要花些资金。你是做还是不做？我想大多数有野心的企业家都会毫不犹豫的做！
这一段其实还是在说不一定就能profit，和上一段一样。鉴于又有些ungrounded，不如合并在一起，主攻“增添soy protein可能丧失原有consumers”，他因：口味，价格等。多多展开，把该说的话都说全，字数够不够就不是问题了。

Finally, there were several more minor errors that I didn't take into account which might also cause trouble. For instance, how much soybean it was if a person ate it 5 times a week? 10 grams at a time or just 1?这一段完全钻牛角尖。假如你喜欢吃辣椒，你是一次吃1g还是一次吃10g？


提供一个不知道可行不可行的思路：soybean 不等于 soy protein

To sum up, the president made a mistake to base his conclusion on a dubious study which needed improving in so many aspects. In addition, if he wants to sound more convincible, he may try to provide a clearer market research with more information in detail. 结尾就不看了

后话，这篇我还没写，看你的之前列了一下提纲，咱们差不多。不过看了你的文，思路开阔了很多。谢谢龙卷风。
最后，推荐看一下精华，必要的时间还是要花的，一直写，即使互改也作用也是有限的，精华存在就有精华的意义~恩，就这样~