2009 进军美利坚作文组——我的作文帖

STELLA710UID：2435774

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8月13日作業
Some people think it's more important to spend more time working than being with family，你的觀點?

Whatever the lifestyle is, since it born, is complicated, containing a great mass of elements as its part which build a whole body. Along with increasingly fierce competition among the contemporary society, people are invariably faced with such a question: how to allot our life time in working and being with family. Which is more essential? When it comes to this dilemma, different people have different opinion due to their distinctive backgrounds and perspectives on this complex issue. With all aspects carefully considered, I am convinced that spending more time in working would better than being with family.

First of all, with the increasing pace in our daily life and work, people should concentrate in their work, If not, which will in return pose a negative impact on financial earnings. For example, one of my sisters has 2 children, and everyday she needs spend much time in teaching children doing homework and playing with them instead of focusing on her job. Every weekend she also needs to bring children to learn the piano and violin. It becomes a daily routine which makes her without a tranquil mood to doing her works. And finally, she has no promotion with her job and now is on the edge of being fired. If she does really have no job, her family will almost collapse and hardly can they live happy, especially she is divorced. So, it is necessary to attach considerable importance to take many efforts and time in working.

Furthermore, due to the significant economic benefits of working, which can offer more life security, and people could get more annual profits. It makes their life more stable and happy. According to a recent survey done by China employment Association (CEA), around 81% of the employees said that the more time they spend in working the more payment they earned. And thus, they could be able to buy some luxury things for their family and themselves. And it could, in some extend, improves the quality of whole family’s life.

Admittedly, the family plays an essential role in our whole life. Nothing can compare with the love of family. But nowadays people are living under this increasingly competitive world which is changing and developing at a faster and faster rate that people need to spend more time in their work or they, in large extent, will be out. No money support the family, even if have much time to accompany family members, finally the family can not be maintain in a comfortable way yet.

To sum up, for what I discussed above, although family is of primary importance to us. And we can not live without the love of family. But also no one can doubt that the essential of work to ordinary people. I therefore reinforce my stand point that people should spend more time in their work than being with family.

jzouc_ibt27UID：2513888

Whatever the lifestyle is, since it born, is complicated, containing a great mass of elements as its part which build a whole body. （首句是不是长了点，而且有点繁琐）Along with increasingly fierce competition among the contemporary society, people are invariably faced with such a question: how to allot our life time in working and being with family. Which is more essential?（这句可删掉）. When it comes to this dilemma, different people have different opinion due to their distinctive backgrounds and perspectives on this complex issue.（这句话虽然很精彩，但是没有涉及有关题目的实质性观点，在OG里有提到考官并不喜欢看太多与观点无关的繁琐的语言） With all aspects carefully considered, I am convinced that spending more time in working would （be）better than being with family.) M  o$ q( L8 ]0 p9 V& b

9 R- ~# I6 L1 R' h0 G; K" ^7 q  G
First of all, with the increasing pace in our daily life and work, people should concentrate in their work, If not（otherwise）, which will in return pose a negative impact on financial earnings. For example, one of my sisters has 2 children, and everyday she needs spend much time in teaching children doing homework and playing with them instead of focusing on her job. Every weekend she also needs to bring children to learn the piano and violin. It becomes a daily routine which makes her without a tranquil mood to doing（do） her woks. And finally, she has no promotion with her job and now is on the edge of being fired（很生动）. If she does really have no job, her family will almost collapse and hardly can they live happy, especially（even） she is（maybe） divorced（这句有点复杂，可以加几个连词，或许会连贯一些）. So, it is necessary to attach considerable importance to take many efforts and time in working.) \9 j+ [, Z$ |. A, P

$ k# ^7 H: Q; a7 O/ ~3 p  F
Furthermore, due to the significant economic benefits of working, which can offer more life security, and people could get more annual profits. It makes their life more stable and happy. According to a recent survey done by China employment Association (CEA), around 81% of the employees said that the more time they spend in working the more payment they earned. And thus, they could be able to buy some luxury things for their family and themselves. And it could, in some extend, improves the quality of whole family’s life（这段的观点应该是工作带来更多收入，更多收入带来好生活是吧，那么首句是否应该再斟酌一下）.


Admittedly, the family plays an essential role in our whole life. Nothing can compare with the love of family. But nowadays people are living under this increasingly competitive world which is changing and developing at a faster and faster rate that people need to spend more time in their work or they, in large extent, will be out（这个句子有两行之长哎~~，呵呵）. No money support the family, even if have much time to accompany family members, finally the family can not be maintain in a comfortable way yet." f8 S! Z* U" |  B

To sum up, for what I discussed above, although family is of primary importance to us. And we can not live without the love of family. But also no one can doubt that the essential（这里应该是个名词吧） of work to ordinary people. I therefore reinforce my stand point that people should spend more time in their work than being with family.

整体不错，就是结构应该再清晰一点，呵呵。再就是本文这三个points似乎有点相像，感觉是从不同的角度来讲多工作带来高收入的好处，重点是不是应该是多工作能带来哪些好处，而不是局限在高收入上？说的不一定对啊~~~

STELLA710UID：2435774

谢谢你~~对对对!!!我后来也这么觉得.感觉好像就围绕这一个Point在写样.就钱啊钱的.....

jzouc_ibt27UID：2513888

对了，谢谢你的点评，很简约啊，呵呵，欢迎多提缺点~~~

jzouc_ibt27UID：2513888

对了，谢谢你的点评，很简约啊，呵呵，欢迎多提缺点啊~~~

liuxiaoyinUID：2631993

Whatever the lifestyle is, since it born, is complicated, containing a great mass of elements as its part which build a whole body.（首句看的好晕啊，我明白你的意思，就是感觉结构有点复杂~~） Along with increasingly fierce competition among the contemporary society, people are invariably faced with such a question: how to allot our life time in working and being with family.（这句我喜欢，呵呵） Which is more essential? When it comes to this dilemma, different people have different opinion（复数） due to their distinctive backgrounds and perspectives on this complex issue. With all aspects carefully considered, I am convinced that spending more time in working would better than being with family.第一段有点啰嗦，两个比较长的句子说的是一个意思~~~可以删掉一句
  First of all, with the increasing pace in our daily life and work, people should concentrate in（on） their work, If not, which will in return pose a negative impact on financial earnings. For example, one of my sisters has 2 children, and everyday she needs spend much time in teaching children doing homework and playing with them instead of focusing on her job. Every weekend she also needs to bring children to learn the piano and violin. It becomes a daily routine which makes her without a tranquil mood to doing(do) her works. And finally, she has no promotion with her job and now is on the edge of being fired. If she does really have no job, her family will almost collapse and hardly can they live happy(happily)我觉得这半句说的有点重~有点绝对~~, especially she is divorced. So, it is necessary to attach considerable importance to take many efforts and time in working.Furthermore, due to the significant economic benefits of working, which can offer more life security, and people could get more annual profits. It makes their life more stable and happy. According to a recent survey done by China employment Association (CEA), around 81% of the employees said that the more time they spend in working the more payment they earned. And thus, they could be able to buy some luxury things for their family（复数） and themselves. And it could, in some extend, improves the quality of whole family’s life.
   Admittedly, the family plays an essential role in our whole life. Nothing can compare with the love of family. But nowadays people are living under this increasingly competitive world which is changing and developing at a faster and faster rate that people need to spend more time in their work or they, in large extent, will be out. No money support（supports） the family, even if have much time to accompany family members, finally the family can not be maintain(ed) in a comfortable way yet.To sum up, for what I discussed above, although family is of primary importance to us. And we can not live without the love of family. But also no one can doubt that the essential 少个名词 of work to ordinary people. I therefore reinforce my stand point that people should spend more time in their work than being with family.

语言没得说，很好很强大。就是内容感觉没展开，作者好像也意识到这个问题了。文章中有好多长长的句子，句型也比较多变，感觉作者词汇量很大。有个别地方有点重复~~

评晚了，不好意思~~~~~~

liuxiaoyinUID：2631993

谢谢你给我评的~~~~:loveliness:

STELLA710UID：2435774

对 我也觉得我有时候挺罗嗦的 然后就一个问题翻来覆去 思路没完全展开
下次一定要注意这个问题！！

谢谢~~~嘿嘿~~~~~~