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Can we imagine that the music never exist in or suddenly disappear from the world? For almost all the people, this is unimaginative [unimaginative的意思是不具有想象力的.如果是我的话,我会用inconceivable]. Because music is of immeasurable significance in the world, not only in the ancient but also for (→in) the modern society, and it has penetrated inthe soul of people [这里的表达最好能改一下,看的不是很明白], becoming the[→a] requisite part of civilization.
The [删去] music has experienced for hundreds of years’ development and evolvement, which generates many patterns of music. [→ ”,”] Such as jazz, rock and symphony. From ancient time to modern society music has changed a lot, its role, however, never changed. Whenever and wherever people have a celebration or party, music is the [→a] essential part. Not only can it increase the joyful atmosphere, but also provide a good topic to discuss.
Deep down, music is an effective method to help us with the emotion, relieving our stress and anxiety. We all sometimes faced [→face] with much stress due to the high-concentrated urban life and may not have the good method to release them. This is the time that [→when] music works. We can listen to some soft music to relax, such piano or folk music [→such as piano and folk music]. There are times (^when) we are devastated, going to concert to hear Beethoven’s life [Why do we go to the concert to hear Beethoven’s life? 不是应该去听他的作品么?:rolleyes: ] and immersing ourselves in the passionate melody can instill us the power to defeat the difficulties and make us regain the confidence. [这句语法上有点问题.可以把第一个逗号改成分号.或者你愿意重新写也可以.]
What’s more, music gives people more opportunities to be famous. Various music awards are held during every year. Grammy, BBC’s music awards are very famous and give rise to a lot of talented singers to be known [give rise to用的很棒 ;d: ].Grammy award is my favorite music award, which is like the (→a) yearly feast. From [→thanks/due to] this award, I get to know the famous star Beyonce and Carrie Underwood. Their songs are every [typo~~ →very] enjoyable and touching, giving me more sense of musical power [其实也可以给出具体的歌名嘛. :rolleyes: Be specific.].
It goes without saying that music is a way to appreciate [appreciate what? 这里的appreciate后面需要加宾语] and to (可省略) make our life much easier. Had we no music, the world would be filled with nothing but boring [→bore.这里应该用noun, nothing but在这里作为一个整体是做宾语的]. It is the music that makes our world vibrant and energetic.
通读完一遍以后,这篇文章给我的第一印象很好.结构完整.语言虽然平实但是十分流畅,几乎没有出现表义不明,体现了作者有扎实的英语基本功.文章有理有据,不显得空洞.
想进一步提高的话, 我的建议是, 在保留原有写作风格的基础上, 适当的增添一些fancy words, 可以让文章看上去更加书面化和正式, 但是一定要保证用的恰当.如若有空,还可以把平时阅读时遇到的地道的表达方式积累下来,运用到文章中,你的作文就能更上一层楼.;d:
总之很不错的文章.要我给分的话,在fair-good之间.
PS,写完以后记得检查语法和typo;d:
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