零散版友作文互改大贴

yunvbujimoUID：2594632

零散板作文互改大贴-----零散朋友作文互改




每位参与者按这三步步骤参与活动：

（1）先占一层楼写上“占位改**#”的字样，但是不急着修改

（2）然后立马在下一楼发上自己的习作

（3）第三步才是返回编辑第一个帖子修改别人的.

注：修改之前首先要确定你修改的这个人已经改过了别人的文章，可以用每一层楼左上角的“只察看该作者”。

互改作文被公认为最有效率、操作性的练习方法。大家取长补短。付出多少，得到多少。

为保证本贴的秩序，请大家仔细阅读以下的条款，只需花2分钟即可。望大家积极配合，严格遵守互改规则，这样最终大家每一个人都是受益者。

参与对象：没有任何限制！任何寄托版友都可以随时参加！快餐式改作文。 主要针对尚未加入任何小组的零散板油。
目标：互改作文。

原则：帮别人改一篇可获得被别人改一篇的资格。即权力与义务对等。




【具体操作】

1、首先从本贴按楼层先后顺序寻找一篇尚未被批改的（察看最后一个已修改贴可知）板友习作进行修改。（以跟贴形式，跟本贴即可）

请注意：

a.改作文找帖子的时候严格遵守待改作文的楼层先后顺序，不允许随意挑楼层的作文改。
            
b.只改"改过楼上作文的"朋友的作文,就是只有改过他人文章的人才可以有被改的资格!!
            
c.特殊情况：（NEW!）如果目前没有可供修改的文章，为提高效率，可以修改已被修改的（最末一篇）、或正在占楼修改中的文章。如果目前仍有可供修改的文章，请务必修改此未修改文章。
            
d.跟贴要求：先占楼后修改，首先一定要声明自己要改哪层楼哪个ID的文章，以免同一文章被多人重复修改。
           
e.批改要求：认真、仔细、负责。在文中进行具体的修改，在最后提出文字上、结构上、立意上等不同方面的较为完整的评论，以及，更为重要的是，你的建议。

2、然后将自己的一篇习作发上来。（以跟贴形式，跟本贴即可）请注意：

a.习作要求。提交前首先自己润色文字并自己改到满意为止，尊重别人的时间，别人也会尊重你的时间。为方便大家阅读，可以附上自己的中文提纲。

b.禁止灌水，禁止爆粗口

再一次重申总的原则：只有你认真改了一篇别人的文章，才有权利让别人给你的文章改。否则你的文章可能永远无人批改。




（本帖操作流程借鉴http://bbs.taisha.org/thread-1996235-1-1.html）

bzr2915UID：2612029

哈哈 以前没发现有个差不多的主题活动 楼上的你改的那个童鞋是去年7月发的...额.. 来打个广告 相同的活动 最新版本 见以下地址https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1063415-1-1.html  欢迎大家踊跃参加~

leslinUID：2571497

不要沉下去啊~~~~

leslinUID：2571497

求批~~~~~~ Issue 235

235."Most people are taught that loyalty is a virtue. But loyalty-whether to one's friends, to one's school or place of employment, or to any institution-is all too often a destructive rather than a positive force."
Words: 457
In the following statement, the speaker thinks that loyalty is more like a force of destruction rather than that of virtue, no matter where loyalty takes place. As far as I concerned, before making a judgment on the essence of loyalty, it is necessary to catalog loyalty into respective situations. And the result of catalog will show that loyalty can be either a positive force or a negative force in the same ratio.

It should be admitted that loyalty sometimes can be a destructive force. Loyalty can be categorized into a kind of emotional action, which must have an object to bear. The object can be friend, family, higher authority and so on. The result of loyalty will be fluctuating with the changes of its object, and inevitably, there appears a type of loyalty which owns inappropriate objects. In the history of World War Two, false loyalties spread across Axis. For example, Rommel, one of the most famous generals in this war, devoted his loyalty to Hitler, the Nazis. Although he never betrayed his fidelity, yet his deeds not only brought great pains to the world, but also failed to rescue himself from unfair death. Again, Japanese soldiers, who have been regarded as the army of loyalty, were loyal to Mikado in the war as well. However, their loyalty only made themselves commit brutal slaughter and inhumane genocide.

But on the contrary, though loyalty owns the possibilities of destruction, we still cannot deny the fact that it has numerous positive effects in human affairs. Loyalty, as I mentioned above, is a kind of emotional action that having its object. If loyalty chooses proper objects, then the effect of it will be constructive but not destructive. For instance, in United States, when an individual formally becomes a civilian of America, there will be a procedure of pledging to Star flag, which is a sign of loyalty for the country. In this condition, loyalty acts as a bond between each civilian and the nation, and the bond binds the nation together. It is easy to imagine that a nation without this kind of loyalty will readily fall into chaos or anarchy. What’s more, in wedding ceremonies, spouses will swear that they will be loyal to each other forever. The loyalty in this situation acts as a power to bring about families, which is a constructive power as well.

In conclusion, loyalty plays an important role in human society. According to the classification of loyalty in different status, loyalty is a two-edged sword which can be either destructive or constructive. Thus, it is imprudent to identify loyalty as a force of destruction. Only through careful analysis on certain occasions can we reach a convinced conclusion about the effects of loyalty.

leslinUID：2571497

改261楼的 by leslin

"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

How children of today are like is the reflection of the future. It is true that in some perspectives, children are not appropriately educated to fit in the society,（感觉这里最好加一个用于强调转折的连词） the saying that "we have not been able to raise children to help bring about a better society" is overly pessimistic. After all, it is clear that our society does move forward in a high pace.

It is no doubt that the way that children are socialized determines the direction of society's development. In Japan, where children are all taught to be highly cooperative, obsessive and effective at a very early age（感觉这个修饰的部分才应该是这个段子的重点，主要讲的是Japan的education的例子，可以考虑把这个句子的前后调换一下）, the country runs in strict order and everyone is willing to obey it even if the it causes some inconvenience to them. Most foreigners, at their first trip to the country, will be surprised when they see after a sports game, not even one person will leave any trash in the stadium. Because of this natures that have been acquired when they are children, later when they become the main force of the nation, they will guided the country to a express way in development. That will explain why after World War II, Japan rose at rocket speed and now is one of the most wealthy country in the world. （例子本身还是比较贴切的）

In most circumstances, I believe our education system, though not exactly what we expect to be, is working great and help the children to socialize well. The core ideas of different countries' education system vary a lot. For example, China calls for endeavor and hard-work in children, America emphasizes individuality and originality, Japan and Korea teach their young generation to be united. In general, we all expect the children to learn what we think is crucial to help them socialized well, and the results clearly show the education systems turn out to be effective. China is called the "World Factory" because most of the world famous companies are willing to set their factory in China due to the hard-work of Chinese people. In America, people are always capable of initiate brand-new ideas because they are raised to be original. In the whole, our world is forwarding in the right path and different people serves as different roles to contribute according to their different way of socialization.（这一段语法的问题多一些，尤其是句子和句子之间的连接，而且感觉这一段的例子有些多而不精，个人意见是把其中某一国家的教育系统再详细一些，这样可以让现在的教育系统和孩子们的现今状况之间的关系更加明晰，以突出现在的培养孩子的方式依然是好的）

Admittedly, it is true that there are still a lot of problems in our ways of raising children. Like in China, where tests is considered to be the main way of qualifying students, people care about the result of education excessively while overlook the practice of team-work and aptitude education, thus causes the phenomenon that students who do well in study are not able to adjust themselves to the society.  （感觉这个让步的段子最好放在一开始，因为楼主的要点是children are raised in good socialization）

Though there are and will always be problems due to the complexity of socialization process of children, overall, it is safe to say that we have acquired the ability to raise our children who can bring about a better society.（感觉最后一段短了点，个人认为应该把三个段子的观点都囊括在内，这样感觉丰满一些）

总的来说，能够看出楼主的观点很明确，例子也不缺。我觉得应该再加强一下例子的详述和段落的安排，还有语法方面最好还是注意一下。
个人愚见，还望多多指教。

touch1987UID：2631096

"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

How children of today are like is the reflection of the future. （Children determine the future of a society） It is true that in some perspectives, children are not appropriately educated to fit in the society, the saying that "we have not been able to raise children to help bring about a better society" is overly pessimistic. After all, it is clear that our society does move forward in a high pace.(with a rapid pace)

It is no doubt that the way that children are socialized determines the direction of society's development. In Japan, where children are all taught to be highly cooperative, obsessive and effective at a very early age, the country runs in strict order and everyone is willing to obey it even if the it causes some inconvenience to them. Most foreigners, at their first trip to the country, will be surprised when they see after a sports game, not even one person will leave any trash in the stadium. Because of this natures that have been acquired when they are children, later when they become the main force of the nation, they will guided the country to a express way in development. That will explain why after World War II, Japan rose at rocket speed and now is one of the most wealthy country in the world.

In most circumstances, I believe our education system, though not exactly what we expect to be, is working great and help the children to socialize well. The core ideas of different countries' education system (education) vary a lot. For example, China calls for endeavor and hard-work in children, America emphasizes individuality and originality, Japan and Korea teach their young generation to be united. In general, we all expect the children to learn what we think is crucial to help them socialized well, and the results clearly show the education systems turn out to be effective. China is called the "World Factory" because most of the world famous companies are willing to set their factory in China due to the hard-work (diligence) of Chinese people. In America, people are always capable of initiate brand-new ideas because they are raised to be original. In the whole, our world is forwarding in the right path (progressing along the right path) and different people serves as different roles to contribute according to their different way of socialization.

Admittedly, it is true that there are still a lot of problems in our ways of raising children. Like in China (One example is China), where tests is considered to be the main way of qualifying students ( most important criteria for evaluating students’ performance), people care about the result of education excessively while overlook the practice of team-work and aptitude education, thus causes the phenomenon that students who do well in study are not able to adjust themselves to the society.  

Though there are and will always be problems due to the complexity of socialization process of children, overall, it is safe to say that we have acquired the ability to raise our children who can bring about a better society.

文章整体思路挺清晰的。不过建议少举中国，日本，韩国的例子，对于美国考官是很陌生的, 也就等于缺乏说服力 （当然， 中国人非常了解你举的例子）。尤其是倒数第二段，可以换一个世界共性的问题，如teenager crime.
标蓝字的地方是我认为语言还可以修改的地方，括号里是修改方案, 仅供参考。
标红字的地方是写得好的地方

另外， 有空帮我改一下issue11 https://bbs.gter.net/thread-982929-1-1.html 谢谢！指出你看不懂或有歧义的地方，也欢迎其他建议

zyz19890131UID：2511843

怎么沉了 秩序好像有点乱

崩批八倍UID：2645271

第一篇习作，issue 130
130
"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

How children of today are like is the reflection of the future. It is true that in some perspectives, children are not appropriately educated to fit in the society, the saying that "we have not been able to raise children to help bring about a better society" is overly pessimistic. After all, it is clear that our society does move forward in a high pace.

It is no doubt that the way that children are socialized determines the direction of society's development. In Japan, where children are all taught to be highly cooperative, obsessive and effective at a very early age, the country runs in strict order and everyone is willing to obey it even if the it causes some inconvenience to them. Most foreigners, at their first trip to the country, will be surprised when they see after a sports game, not even one person will leave any trash in the stadium. Because of this natures that have been acquired when they are children, later when they become the main force of the nation, they will guided the country to a express way in development. That will explain why after World War II, Japan rose at rocket speed and now is one of the most wealthy country in the world.

In most circumstances, I believe our education system, though not exactly what we expect to be, is working great and help the children to socialize well. The core ideas of different countries' education system vary a lot. For example, China calls for endeavor and hard-work in children, America emphasizes individuality and originality, Japan and Korea teach their young generation to be united. In general, we all expect the children to learn what we think is crucial to help them socialized well, and the results clearly show the education systems turn out to be effective. China is called the "World Factory" because most of the world famous companies are willing to set their factory in China due to the hard-work of Chinese people. In America, people are always capable of initiate brand-new ideas because they are raised to be original. In the whole, our world is forwarding in the right path and different people serves as different roles to contribute according to their different way of socialization.

Admittedly, it is true that there are still a lot of problems in our ways of raising children. Like in China, where tests is considered to be the main way of qualifying students, people care about the result of education excessively while overlook the practice of team-work and aptitude education, thus causes the phenomenon that students who do well in study are not able to adjust themselves to the society.  

Though there are and will always be problems due to the complexity of socialization process of children, overall, it is safe to say that we have acquired the ability to raise our children who can bring about a better society.
先谢谢各位帮忙修改的xdjm

queenmikeUID：2639800

修改174
With the explosive development of science, technology, laws play a more and more crucial role in our modern society. （这句属于背景陈述，像这样的句子在开头中还是不要出现的好，容易雷同不说还有点俗）When it comes to the discussion about Laws' flexibility and stability, there are always a host of different opinions held by different individuals in diverse fields. Admittedly, laws should not be always rigid or fixed in our modern world full of changes. Moreover, they should be flexible enough to take account of various circumstances, times, and places. However, a certain measure of consistency, stability and predictability in our laws is required.（中心句很模糊，说最后一句吧还不是，你的观点应该是完全按照韦晓亮的那本书来的，属于+ + -的写作模式，最后一句偏强调-。）

To begin with, laws should be flexible according to different circumstances and places. There are two main reasons that laws should be adaptable in different circumstances and places. First of all, Different places have different races, customs, and culture. So people in different places would have different opinions to same laws. For example, due to a large amount of Asian in California with a strong disapproval of the legalization of homosexual marriage, the homosexual marriage is still illegal in California while it is permitted in some other states. Second, Different places may have different economic conditions which require laws should be adjusted in light of it. For instance, the West is much poorer than the East in China. In Jiangsu, a（an） east province in China, thieving more than two thousand Yuan should be condemned; while（While）, in Yunnan, a west province, thieving only more than 500 Yuan should be condemned too. Consequently, this case vividly tells us that laws should be flexible according to different economical conditions.

In addition, laws also need to be amended according to different time（个人觉得不合理，根据不同时间修改法律，翻译也不太通呀。应该是社会变化太快导致法律适应不了社会而做出修改，单纯说时间不合理）, especially considering current rapid changes and progress in our society. On the one hand, old laws are not applicable to current situation. Due to rapid development of software industry all over the world, nowadays a large number of software products are selling in the markets. However, since the Intellectual Property Law in China is out of date, there is a large amount of pirate software in market. If the authority don't adjust the law, the pirate software certainly have a negative impact on the software industry. On the other hand, new crimes come out. Along with the popularity of the Internet, some new cyber crimes come out, such as the attack from hackers and production of viruses. To take on the challenge, the Chinese criminal law was amended again which is first amended in 1978. In the latest amendment, the criminal law has been added in legal provision about cyber crimes. Therefore, the amendment of laws is needed along with the change of time.

However, we must admit that a certain measure of consistency, stability and predictability should be taken into account in our laws. Undue uncertainty in any one of these areas would surely have negative effects. The economic development and the individual's well-being can only be ensured within a stable social order, which depends basically on a stable legal system.（这是照搬的，肯定会雷同的）

In sum, from what have been discussed above, we may safely draw a conclusion that laws should be flexible enough to take account of various circumstances, times, and places. At the same time, the amendment of laws should adopt a prudent policy to ensure the social stability.
整体而言，用词挺不错，但是思路基本上是照搬的韦晓亮的作文大讲堂，当然也就不会有什么错误，不过这样子很容易被判雷同。最好是总结出自己的思路。

lilisongsongUID：2640091

第一次被不认识的人批，感觉有点紧张，希望大家多多的批评，找出错误来，我7.24号就考试了，今上午刚刚模考一次，感觉不是很理想。 希望楼下好好批我，批死我

TOPIC: ISSUE7 - "The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."
WORDS: 475          TIME: 00:33:51          DATE: 2009-7-3 10:28:10
还可以吧，老生常谈的一篇作文，写的字数不是很多，已经没有再写的了，没有创新的地方，因为一开始模板写的不好
这次，因为十分的不紧张所以错字比较少，嘻嘻庆祝一下，只是打字速度有些慢，晚上继续练习，提纲先不背了，到时候也忘了
As a kind of produce of the highly developed technologies, video camera plays a more and more important role in our daily life for its documenting accurate and convincing record nowadays. However, we can not ignore the written records, which also had and have an important function in our daily life, and could be taken place by nothing up to now.

Indeed, as the technologies developing in a long history, the present video camera has a greatly strong power. It can provide a convincing and accurate recording of a place at that time including details, actions features and the likes. For example, recording of wedding ceremonies by video camera can serves an old couple feel that scences (情景 scene) and real emotions after several ten years as they are just celebrating their  marriage. Also, video documentation is a detail evidence of crimes. Robberies in bank, stealing in supermarket, violence of traffics can be recorded clearly by videos, and facing them, the wrong-doers could just admit their crimes with no excuses.

However, we can not overlook or choose to ignore the disadvantages of the video camera. As a tool, it can not recording some subject matters such as emotions in heart, impressions or experiences of an accident, and passions and spirits of one person, with can be easily write down by a pen and paper. What's more, documentations of a long time and a broad perspective can not be provided by video cameras, which can just record thing in several hours and in a narrow scope. For example, it can not record the World War 2 i2 spreading in 8years and all over the world with details. Nonetheless, the written documentations can finish it easily in one book.

What's more, other advantages of written records should be discussed in this passage. It is more popularly used by people that video camera, because pen and paper are so cheap that everyone could afford it, while the video camera could not be bought by anyone, especially in some developing countries. Moreover, pen and paper have a much smaller volume than camera, so as that people can put them into a small pocket or anywhere. On the contrary, the video camera is bigger and more likely to be broken, and is also limited by charge--it could just be used in several hours at most. So many disadvantages could weaken the fact that video camera play a dominant part in documentation and more important than written records.

In sum, although video camera is a new and developed technology that provide more accurate and convincing record with may advantages, the written records still have many crucial rules that video can not provided.  The best way to deal with them is to take all good use of both of them, and to employ all of their advantages to allow our life more convenient and comfortable.


TOPIC: ARGUMENT200 - Statistics collected from dentists indicate that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients.
WORDS: 458          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2009-7-3 10:28:10

时间还是紧了些，如果时间充足的话，还能写得更好，还需要再练习
1 数据的reliable
2不一定男性更紧张
3广告不一定起作用
The argument is well-presented, but not thoroughly well-reasoned. By citing a statistics by dentists that more men than women faint while visiting dentist, the argument for improving the advertisement to attract more patients seems logical. However, it contains several facets that are questionable. Each of them will be discussed in turn as below.

In the first place, the statistics that more men than women faint while visiting dentist is questionable. The reliability of it bases on the statistic integrity, and the smaller the sample is the less reliable the result is. However, the arguer doses not how many patients that participated in the survey, and thus weaken the argument. Moreover, other alternatives may account for the result. It is quite possible that more male patients than female patients, even more than 3 times visited the dentists, thus there are more distressed men. It is also possible that these men had more sever matters than women, and thus  men would suffer more pain in therapies. The author does not consider and eliminate all these alternative reasons, so he can not convince me that the statistics cited in this argument is reliable.

In the second place, the arguer cannot draw any conclusion that men are more likely to be distressed than women. It is possible that women are not likily to faint physically when distressed, but are more likely to be nervous in heart, or sweeting.(sweating 出汗) Then fainting is not the only indicator to demonstrate how much patients are distressed. Besides, many women who suffered teeth disease may not visit doctors because they are scare of those therepies(治疗 therapy). If so, the arguer can not conclude that men are likely to be distressed when visiting dentist as well.

Finally, the author unfairly assumes that an advertisement that targets the male consumer and emphasizes both effectiveness of anesthetic techniques and sensitivity to nervous or suffering patients would attract more patients. However, this is not necessary the case. Common sense tells me that an advertisement that targets male patients must lost another group of potential consumers--female patients. It would be a huge lose if they have no or less female customers. Further, many patients have never visited the dentists, and do not know the suffering in therapies, so they would not emphasize the measures to reduce pain that dentists provide. Since the arguer never considers these alternatives, I would not accept his recommendation about the advertisement.

Overall, the reasoning behind the argument for a new form of advertisement is not so logical as it stands. Before any final decision, the arguer should make sure the reliability of the statistics and exclude all other alternatives. And what's more, he should provide other measures such as hygiene, services, technologies and so on in the advertisement.

lilisongsongUID：2640091

站位，修改 257 楼
Argument167：A folk remedy* for insomnia, the scent in lavender flowers, has now been proved effective. In a recent study, 30 volunteers with chronic insomnia slept each night for three weeks on lavender-scented pillows in a controlled room where their sleep was monitored. During the first week, volunteers continued to take their usual sleeping medication. They slept soundly but wakened feeling tired. During the second week, the volunteers discontinued their medication. As a result, they slept less soundly than the previous week and felt even more tired. During the third week, the volunteers slept longer and more soundly than in the previous two weeks. This shows that over a short period of time lavender cures insomnia.

*A folk remedy is usually a plant-based form of treatment common to traditional forms of medicine, ones that developed before the advent of modern medical services and technology.


提纲：
1.失眠的概念。. （1）作者没有明确依靠什么标准来判断失眠症是否已经治愈，因此读者无从判断。（2）而且第三周的更深不代表醒来舒服
2.         这个研究本身就存在一定缺陷：（1）没有考虑安眠药的问题（2）没有设置对照实验，排除不了环境因素和人为因素，也排除不了时间不足的可能性。
4、        实验结果不足以评定薰衣草的效果：（1）对比1、2周，志愿者的变化不仅不支持结论，反而可能与结论抵触；（2）对比2、3周的变化，志愿者的变化可能是由于第二周睡眠不足造成的，不足以说明是薰衣草的作用；（3）睡的更深不代表感觉不累。即使感觉不累，也没有很好的理解失眠的概念，失眠是入睡难，睡的长，不代表不失眠。

By citing a three –week experiment, in which researchers monitored the effects of the lavender on 30 insomniacs who slept on lavender-scented pillows during those three weeks, the speaker accordingly concludes that the scant of lavender is effective for insomnia over a short period of time.
短小精悍，不错，为以后节约了时间

The threshold problem of the argument involves the definition of insomnia.  There is no definition of insomnia, upon which criteria we rely to determine whether insomnia has been cured or not. If among all symptoms, only inability to fall asleep is emphasized, then how soundly or long a person sleeps, or whether a person feels tired or not after sleep, is unrelated to whether a person suffers from insomnia. If even not confirming whether a person is an insomniac or not, let alone that the patient has been cured. Granted that the amount of sleep and the wakened feeling can reflect the condition of insomnia, the result of the third week that the participators felt more soundly seems nothing about getting better.



Besides that, the study itself which is quoted in the argument suffers from several critical flaws. Firstly，in this experiment, the usual sleeping medication was used to treat the volunteers while they slept on lavender-scented pillows during the first week. Although the medicine was discontinued in the second week, the argument provides no evidence to prove the one week interim is long enough to exclude the usual sleeping medication’s influence. （是否应该加一个关联词如beside/what’s more）The most serious flaw of the experiment is lacking a controlled trial; without counterparts, there are alternatives to explain the improvement of the patients .For instance, the patients was leading to believe that the pillows can make work, a number of them should cure themselves because of psychological effect; There are no evidences to indicate that three weeks is adequate for the volunteers to substantiate the effect of lavender, maybe, the improvement is nothing more than a probability. Therefore, this study should set up a controlled trial that those volunteers with same extent insomnia sleep on norm pillows under some condition in order to exclude other possibilities.
Admittedly, the results of experiment are valid；It is also scant to draw the conclusion depending on them. The phenomenon of the second week that the volunteers slept less soundly and felt more tired was exactly improve that the lavender makes no good effects to insomniacs, even to say it make negative effects to them. If excluding the possibilities listed above, the survey also leads no strong support to the conclusion, comparing symptoms of last two week, it is entirely possible that the improvement of insomniacs dues to the seriously lack of sleep, not enough to specify the role of lavender.

In sum up, the argument is unconvincing as it stands. To support the conclusion, the definition of insomnia needs to be provided. In order to better assess the argument, the study must be more religious and need counterparts to exclude other alternatives.

一看就是官方范文派的，没有太多模板化，呵呵我佩服你，写得比我好多了，有很多地方向你学习，基本上没有语法上的错误，并且逻辑很明晰，用词也很恰当，6分是可能的。不知道是否是30分钟内写完的？如果是的话，那我真是佩服得五体投地了，请问你是怎么写得？？看了或是被了很多范文么？？我只是准备提纲，没怎么看范文，你是怎么做的？？告诉我行么？？给我在网内发短信息好吧？？谢谢大虾了

queenmikeUID：2639800

Argument167：A folk remedy* for insomnia, the scent in lavender flowers, has now been proved effective. In a recent study, 30 volunteers with chronic insomnia slept each night for three weeks on lavender-scented pillows in a controlled room where their sleep was monitored. During the first week, volunteers continued to take their usual sleeping medication. They slept soundly but wakened feeling tired. During the second week, the volunteers discontinued their medication. As a result, they slept less soundly than the previous week and felt even more tired. During the third week, the volunteers slept longer and more soundly than in the previous two weeks. This shows that over a short period of time lavender cures insomnia.

*A folk remedy is usually a plant-based form of treatment common to traditional forms of medicine, ones that developed before the advent of modern medical services and technology.


提纲：
1.失眠的概念。. （1）作者没有明确依靠什么标准来判断失眠症是否已经治愈，因此读者无从判断。（2）而且第三周的更深不代表醒来舒服
2.         这个研究本身就存在一定缺陷：（1）没有考虑安眠药的问题（2）没有设置对照实验，排除不了环境因素和人为因素，也排除不了时间不足的可能性。
4、        实验结果不足以评定薰衣草的效果：（1）对比1、2周，志愿者的变化不仅不支持结论，反而可能与结论抵触；（2）对比2、3周的变化，志愿者的变化可能是由于第二周睡眠不足造成的，不足以说明是薰衣草的作用；（3）睡的更深不代表感觉不累。即使感觉不累，也没有很好的理解失眠的概念，失眠是入睡难，睡的长，不代表不失眠。

By citing a three –week experiment, in which researchers monitored the effects of the lavender on 30 insomniacs who slept on lavender-scented pillows during those three weeks, the speaker accordingly concludes that the scant of lavender is effective for insomnia over a short period of time.

The threshold problem of the argument involves the definition of insomnia.  There is no definition of insomnia, upon which criteria we rely to determine whether insomnia has been cured or not. If among all symptoms, only inability to fall asleep is emphasized, then how soundly or long a person sleeps, or whether a person feels tired or not after sleep, is unrelated to whether a person suffers from insomnia. If even not confirming whether a person is an insomniac or not, let alone that the patient has been cured. Granted that the amount of sleep and the wakened feeling can reflect the condition of insomnia, the result of the third week that the participators felt more soundly seems nothing about getting better.

Besides that, the study itself which is quoted in the argument suffers from several critical flaws. Firstly，in this experiment, the usual sleeping medication was used to treat the volunteers while they slept on lavender-scented pillows during the first week. Although the medicine was discontinued in the second week, the argument provides no evidence to prove the one week interim is long enough to exclude the usual sleeping medication’s influence. The most serious flaw of the experiment is lacking a controlled trial; without counterparts, there are alternatives to explain the improvement of the patients .For instance, the patients was leading to believe that the pillows can make work, a number of them should cure themselves because of psychological effect; There are no evidences to indicate that three weeks is adequate for the volunteers to substantiate the effect of lavender, maybe, the improvement is nothing more than a probability. Therefore, this study should set up a controlled trial that those volunteers with same extent insomnia sleep on norm pillows under some condition in order to exclude other possibilities.
Admittedly, the results of experiment are valid；It is also scant to draw the conclusion depending on them. The phenomenon of the second week that the volunteers slept less soundly and felt more tired was exactly improve that the lavender makes no good effects to insomniacs, even to say it make negative effects to them. If excluding the possibilities listed above, the survey also leads no strong support to the conclusion, comparing symptoms of last two week, it is entirely possible that the improvement of insomniacs dues to the seriously lack of sleep, not enough to specify the role of lavender.

In sum up, the argument is unconvincing as it stands. To support the conclusion, the definition of insomnia needs to be provided. In order to better assess the argument, the study must be more religious and need counterparts to exclude other alternatives.

queenmikeUID：2639800

占位174

yunvbujimoUID：2594632

回来顶一下

leslinUID：2571497

不要沉了啊！！:lol