零散版友作文互改大贴

yunvbujimoUID：2594632

零散板作文互改大贴-----零散朋友作文互改




每位参与者按这三步步骤参与活动：

（1）先占一层楼写上“占位改**#”的字样，但是不急着修改

（2）然后立马在下一楼发上自己的习作

（3）第三步才是返回编辑第一个帖子修改别人的.

注：修改之前首先要确定你修改的这个人已经改过了别人的文章，可以用每一层楼左上角的“只察看该作者”。

互改作文被公认为最有效率、操作性的练习方法。大家取长补短。付出多少，得到多少。

为保证本贴的秩序，请大家仔细阅读以下的条款，只需花2分钟即可。望大家积极配合，严格遵守互改规则，这样最终大家每一个人都是受益者。

参与对象：没有任何限制！任何寄托版友都可以随时参加！快餐式改作文。 主要针对尚未加入任何小组的零散板油。
目标：互改作文。

原则：帮别人改一篇可获得被别人改一篇的资格。即权力与义务对等。




【具体操作】

1、首先从本贴按楼层先后顺序寻找一篇尚未被批改的（察看最后一个已修改贴可知）板友习作进行修改。（以跟贴形式，跟本贴即可）

请注意：

a.改作文找帖子的时候严格遵守待改作文的楼层先后顺序，不允许随意挑楼层的作文改。
            
b.只改"改过楼上作文的"朋友的作文,就是只有改过他人文章的人才可以有被改的资格!!
            
c.特殊情况：（NEW!）如果目前没有可供修改的文章，为提高效率，可以修改已被修改的（最末一篇）、或正在占楼修改中的文章。如果目前仍有可供修改的文章，请务必修改此未修改文章。
            
d.跟贴要求：先占楼后修改，首先一定要声明自己要改哪层楼哪个ID的文章，以免同一文章被多人重复修改。
           
e.批改要求：认真、仔细、负责。在文中进行具体的修改，在最后提出文字上、结构上、立意上等不同方面的较为完整的评论，以及，更为重要的是，你的建议。

2、然后将自己的一篇习作发上来。（以跟贴形式，跟本贴即可）请注意：

a.习作要求。提交前首先自己润色文字并自己改到满意为止，尊重别人的时间，别人也会尊重你的时间。为方便大家阅读，可以附上自己的中文提纲。

b.禁止灌水，禁止爆粗口

再一次重申总的原则：只有你认真改了一篇别人的文章，才有权利让别人给你的文章改。否则你的文章可能永远无人批改。




（本帖操作流程借鉴http://bbs.taisha.org/thread-1996235-1-1.html）

yunvbujimoUID：2594632

我先贴篇拙作 希望朋友狠狠批评我
Issue11 "All nations should help support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process of solving the world's most persistent social problems."


Nowadays,there are a number of persistent social problems need be soled,such continuous wars,environmental problems, ethnicity and so on.So some people recommend to support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process of handle these problems.In my opinion,although they are terribly required to be solved,the idea of all nations support a global university is infeasible.



It is true that the world are facing many difficult troubles,and some of them can not be solved completely without all nations research them together. Continuous wars have made locals lost home,global warming have caused the number of icebergs decrease, environmental pollution have leaded to the unusual climate.If all above problems can not get better,the people all around the world would suffer from more serious disasters. Some historical experience have justified it is the best and fastest way to solve the global questions.For example,the human genome project has finished by six countries' cooperation of only 13 years.So global experts should discuss together,and then raise a uniform method to handle persistent global problems.



However,the suggestion of supporting a global university to engage students to solve the social problems seems not to be viable.First of all,each nation's economic level are so different that the investments to the university have distinctions.The distinctions easily cause financial dispute,even the discrimination from different countries.At the same time,this university will  become no longer equality and democracy.Moreover, the global university includes a lot of differences from ethnicity, religionary faith,life style and moral standard.For instance,it is impossible that Israeli and Palestinian talk about wars together as well as the people of black and white analysis the social questions together. Admittedly,some persistent social problems would be brought into the school by all kinds of national people instead of be solved.Therefore,the assertor ignores some passive factors of building a global university.



Secondly,facing the persistent social problems,even the best experts always have no idea to solve,what about the university students. Maybe the assertor overrate the strength of students too much.The majority of students now prefer learning from their professors to studying independent,so I do not believe they have enough knowledge to beyond their professors and solve some persistent social problems at all.The foundation of a global university does not mean many talented students could be cultivated.Therefore,a global university has nothing useful to these social problems.



Thirdly,considering the useless effect to social problems,all nations should revalue about whether they should provide large numbers of money and teaching resources to the global university, because it is obvious a wrong investment. Instead of having a waste ,these resources should be supplied to their own university and scientific research,even to the education of where suffering from poverty.



To sum up, compareing the advantages with disadvantages of supposing a global university to solves the persistent social problems, I suggest the proposal is better to be set aside.And all nations had better to think out other ideas to deal with those problems.

                                                                              09.2.5

jlmjackyUID：2471681

Nowadays,there are a number of persistent social problems need to be soled,such as continuous wars,environmental problems, ethnicity and so on.So that some people recommend to support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process to handle these problems.In my opinion,although they are terribly required to be solved,the idea of all nations support a global university is infeasible.
表达观点 有迫切需要解决的问题 不过global university 不行


It is true that the world are facing many difficult troubles,and some of them can not be solved completely without all nations' research. Continuous wars have made local people lost home,global warming have caused the number of icebergs decrease是不是用dissove, environmental pollutions have led to the unusual climate.If all above problems cannot get better,the people all around the world would suffer from more serious disasters. Some historical experience have justified it is the best and fastest way to solve the global questions.什么方法 For example,the human genome project has finished by six countries' cooperation of only 13 years.So global experts should discuss together, and then raise a uniform method to handle persistent global problems. 

However,the suggestion of supporting a global university to engage students to solve the social problems seems not to be viable. First of all,each nation's economic level is（each 用单数把） so different that the investments to the university have distinctions. The distinctions easily cause financial dispute,even the discrimination from different countries.At the same time,this university will  become no longer equality and democracy. Moreover, the global university includes a lot of differences from ethnicity, religionary faith,life style and moral standard. 你是想说大学里本身就有问题吗？For instance,it is impossible that Israeli and Palestinian talk about wars together as well as the people of black and white analysis the social questions together. Admittedly,some persistent social problems would be brought into the school by all kinds of national people instead of be solved.Therefore,the assertor ignores some passive factors of building a global university. 这个例子前面还好后面似乎不妥当

Secondly,facing to the persistent social problems,even the best experts always have no idea to solve,what about the university students. Maybe the assertor overrate the strength of students too much.The majority of students now prefer learning from their professors to studying independent,so I do not believe they have enough knowledge to beyond their professors and solve some persistent social problems at all.The foundation of a global university does not mean many talented students could be cultivated.Therefore,a global university is unuseful to these social problems.

Thirdly, considering the useless effect to social problems,all nations should revalue about whether they should provide large numbers of money and teaching resources to the global university, because it is obvious a wrong investment. Instead of having a waste ,these resources should be supplied to their own university and scientific research,even to the education of where suffering from poverty.

To sum up, compareing the advantages with disadvantages of supposing a global university to solves the persistent social problems, I suggest the proposal is better to be set aside.And all nations had better to think out other ideas to deal with those problems. 

文章的结构完整 正反说得很清楚
过度不太恰当 Thirdly这段应该再详细
推敲句型 和用词

jlmjackyUID：2471681

TOPIC: ARGUMENT38 - The following memo appeared in the newsletter of the West Meria Public Health Council.

"An innovative treatment has come to our attention that promises to significantly reduce absenteeism in our schools and workplaces. A study reports that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. Clearly, eating a substantial amount of fish can prevent colds. Since colds are the reason most frequently given for absences from school and work, we recommend the daily use of Ichthaid, a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil, as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism."

The arguer concludes that the daily use of Ichthaid as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism . To bolster this assertion the arguer points out that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. After all, the arguer does offers some relevant evidences, and the assumptions underlying this argument are not without merits. However, although the conclusion sounds indeed reasonable at first thought, a series of unsubstantiated assumptions and several logical flaws may seriously undermine this argument.
First of all,the author commits a fallacy of “ false analogy” between the two places. The author simply assumes that eating a substantial amount of fish leads to little times of visiting doctor for treatment of colds drawn from East Meria are applicable to West Meria.But he does not provide any evidence that these two places are indeed comparable.  In fact, Differences between these two places might clearly outweigh the similarities. For example,different climate from the two areas may cause different probability of getting cold.Moreover,there is not a convincing evidence show whether the locals of East Meria will visit the doctor for treatment if they get cold.Maybe they think colds is not so serious enough that they prefer stay at home to see the doctor.So the report that people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds can not be regarded as people in EM only get once or twice cold per year. Thus the author cannot rely on this false analogy to bolster his recommendation.
   Secondly,the author over hasty assume that eat a substantial amount of fish is required for. preventing colds. The causal relationship between the cause of preventing colds and the effect of eating fish is unwarranted. While fish is an essential contributing factor to prevent colds, it is hardly the only one. To establish a general causal relationship between fish and cold , many other reason should be addressed in considering to eliminated. The author should provide a comprehensive comparing to show that the people in EM and WM have nothing different except eating fish.Observably, it is impossible.In addition,there is not a scientific report says fish does benefit for preventing colds.This is a fallacious reasoning unless the author can provide persuasive evidences to rule out any other possibilities.
   Thirdly,the author recommend the daily use of Ichthaid as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism because of the effect of fish.Although Ichthaid is a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil, nothing convincing can prove Ichthaid has the same effective ingredient of fish.From fish to Ichthaid,there are so many process that these ingredient had lost away.Furthermore, Ichthaid maybe have not been researched its side effect,which is harmful to people in daily use.So,the recommendation need to be inspected seriously.
   Moreover,is it true that colds the major cause of absenteeism ?We all know ill is the best excuse to apply a furlough.So how many absencesfrom study and work are relevant to colds can not be sure.Obviously, author does not provide enough information on the assertion.
   To sum up, the conclusion lack credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the author would have to provide us more evidence concerning the real condition of getting cold in the two areas. To better evaluate the arguments, we would need more information regarding the connections between fish and colds,as well as fish and Ichthaid.

草木也知愁UID：2487572

刚开始我看成零模板 鸡冻了好一下

结果仔细看才知道是散户
不过也好 分担了小组压力
加油！

yunvbujimoUID：2594632

5# 草木也知愁

谢谢支持.....也希望各斑竹多多推荐此帖子拉

mymuroUID：2356228

。。。
4楼好像没改LZ的就帖上来了

yunvbujimoUID：2594632

7# mymuro

已经改了~~~希望继续传递啊

jlmjackyUID：2471681

Nowadays,there are a number of persistent social problems need to be soled,such as continuous wars,environmental problems, ethnicity and so on.So that some people recommend to support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process to handle these problems.In my opinion,although they are terribly required to be solved,the idea of all nations support a global university is infeasible.
表达观点 有迫切需要解决的问题 不过global university 不行
It is true that the world are facing many difficult troubles,and some of them can not be solved completely without all nations' research. Continuous wars have made local people lost home,global warming have caused the number of icebergs decrease是不是用dissove, environmental pollutions have led to the unusual climate.If all above problems cannot get better,the people all around the world would suffer from more serious disasters. Some historical experience have justified it is the best and fastest way to solve the global questions.什么方法 For example,the human genome project has finished by six countries' cooperation of only 13 years.So global experts should discuss together, and then raise a uniform method to handle persistent global problems. 

However,the suggestion of supporting a global university to engage students to solve the social problems seems not to be viable. First of all,each nation's economic level is（each 用单数把） so different that the investments to the university have distinctions. The distinctions easily cause financial dispute,even the discrimination from different countries.At the same time,this university will  become no longer equality and democracy. Moreover, the global university includes a lot of differences from ethnicity, religionary faith,life style and moral standard. 你是想说大学里本身就有问题吗？For instance,it is impossible that Israeli and Palestinian talk about wars together as well as the people of black and white analysis the social questions together. Admittedly,some persistent social problems would be brought into the school by all kinds of national people instead of be solved.Therefore,the assertor ignores some passive factors of building a global university. 这个例子前面还好后面似乎不妥当

Secondly,facing to the persistent social problems,even the best experts always have no idea to solve,what about the university students. Maybe the assertor overrate the strength of students too much.The majority of students now prefer learning from their professors to studying independent,so I do not believe they have enough knowledge to beyond their professors and solve some persistent social problems at all.The foundation of a global university does not mean many talented students could be cultivated.Therefore,a global university is unuseful to these social problems.

Thirdly, considering the useless effect to social problems,all nations should revalue about whether they should provide large numbers of money and teaching resources to the global university, because it is obvious a wrong investment. Instead of having a waste ,these resources should be supplied to their own university and scientific research,even to the education of where suffering from poverty.

To sum up, compareing the advantages with disadvantages of supposing a global university to solves the persistent social problems, I suggest the proposal is better to be set aside.And all nations had better to think out other ideas to deal with those problems. 

文章的结构完整 正反说得很清楚
过度不太恰当 Thirdly这段应该再详细
推敲句型 和用词

jlmjackyUID：2471681

这个 似乎格式怎么也好不了了 谁解决一下

corpuscleUID：2503411

使用高级回复就会有颜色的

tchypUID：2559154

占

tchypUID：2559154

TOPIC: ARGUMENT38 - The following memo appeared in the newsletter of the West Meria Public Health Council.

"An innovative treatment has come to our attention that promises to significantly reduce absenteeism in our schools and workplaces. A study reports that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. Clearly, eating a substantial amount of fish can prevent colds. Since colds are the reason most frequently given for absences from school and work, we recommend the daily use of Ichthaid, a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil, as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism."

The arguer concludes that the daily use of Ichthaid as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism . To bolster this assertion the arguer points out that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. After all, the arguer does offers some relevant evidences, and the assumptions underlying this argument are not without merits. However, although the conclusion sounds indeed reasonable at first thought, a series of unsubstantiated assumptions and several logical flaws may seriously undermine this argument.
First of all,the author commits a fallacy of “ false analogy” between the two places. The author simply assumes that eating a substantial amount of fish leads to little times of visiting doctor for treatment of colds drawn from East Meria are applicable to West Meria.But he does not provide any evidence that these two places are indeed comparable.  In fact, Differences（小写） between these two places might clearly outweigh the similarities. For example,different climate from the two areas may cause different probability of getting cold.Moreover,there is not a convincing evidence show whether the locals of East Meria will visit the doctor for treatment if they get cold.Maybe they think colds is not so serious enough that they prefer stay at home to see the doctor.So the report that people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds can not be regarded as people in EM only get once or twice cold per year. Thus the author cannot rely on this false analogy to bolster his recommendation.
   Secondly,the author over hasty assume that eat a substantial amount of fish is required for. preventing colds. The causal relationship between the cause of preventing colds and the effect of eating fish is unwarranted. While fish is an essential contributing factor to prevent colds, it is hardly the only one. To establish a general causal relationship between fish and cold , many other reason should be addressed in considering to eliminated. The author should provide a comprehensive comparing to show that the people in EM and WM have nothing different except eating fish（之前反驳过了就不用再多反驳一次）.Observably, it is impossible.In addition,there is not a scientific report says fish does benefit for preventing colds.This is a fallacious reasoning unless the author can provide persuasive evidences to rule out any other possibilities.
   Thirdly,the author recommend the daily use of Ichthaid as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism because of the effect of fish.Although Ichthaid is a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil, nothing convincing can prove Ichthaid has the same effective ingredient of fish.From fish to Ichthaid,there are so many process that these ingredient had lost away.Furthermore, Ichthaid maybe have not been researched its side effect,which is harmful to people in daily use.So,the recommendation need to be inspected seriously.
   Moreover,is it true that colds the major cause of absenteeism ?We all know ill is the best excuse to apply a furlough.So how many absencesfrom study and work are relevant to colds can not be sure.Obviously, author does not provide enough information on the assertion.
   To sum up, the conclusion lack credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the author would have to provide us more evidence concerning the real condition of getting cold in the two areas. To better evaluate the arguments, we would need more information regarding the connections between fish and colds,as well as fish and Ichthaid.

感觉前两段如果重排一下可能好一些：
把false analogy单独一段，false relation/causality为第二段

aquleUID：2452726

13# tchyp

hi~你的文章呢？

yunvbujimoUID：2594632

为了使传递继续 我再传一篇

Issue130 "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."



There is a universally accepted opinion that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society which is accordance with what the author asserted. Nevertheless, in my opinion,although how children are socialized indeed influences the social destiny, but never determines social destiny. And we should help and guide the children to grow up in the right way, as well as children should improve their social abilities by themselves.



It is undeniable that in modern time, children should be socialized and prepare to function and develop society because their contributions would influence the future destiny of society.How children are socialized includes several factors such as communication,working skills,social responsibility, social creativity, and so on. With those abilities children would blend into the world and help develop the society.But the children are too young to have no experience about how to learn those abilities and which is beneficial for them.As the adults,we have obligation to guild children to gain life skills, have correct collective values, and distinguish true from false,ultimately bring about a better society. For example,many schools provide students different kinds of activities of social practice, liking working in Ageing Nurse Home, which successfully improve children's skills of communication and responsibilities.Hence, children should try best to be socialized to develop society ,and we should help them.



However, it is unilateral to assert that how children are socialized determines the destiny of society since the author has ignored many other factors.In field of scientific technology,the invention of telephone have shortened the distance between countries.In field of politics, under the leadership of Chairman Deng Xiaoping, Chinese economy have developed faster than before.In field of social problems,Martin Luther King's personal conviction inspired
people begun to fight for equality and aimed to eliminate racial discrimination. All above different causes had changed destiny of society, and they are as important as how children are socialized for society.



Moreover,all children have dreams of what they would be and independent ideas, so it is not a good way to let children receive passively everything we want them to know. Firstly, teaching children everything makes they lost abilities of independent thinking and living. If children have been used to depend parents, they would never have courages and abilities to face and solve problems. Without individual idea, how can they build a better future. Secondly,we really can not teach children all methods to handle problems in future because of the differences from everyone's life.It is impossible for children to request guide from parents every time.Thirdly, children have own favors and purposes ,so that they can study and progress by themselves. Compareing with our instructions,the individual interests would provide more motivations for children to make success. Children need to experience the process to create their future, trip and fall, ultimately find the proper way, and bring about a society marked their own characteristics. Therefore,we had best act as supervisors whose job is ensure children's works are correct ,or persons who give children some helps.



To sum up, how children are socialized influence the future destiny of society very much, as adults we ought to help children grow and bring about a better society instead of completely teach because they have own lives and works.

                                                                                      09.2.6