issue212 谢谢砖头！

alwaysbestUID：2227053

TOPIC: ISSUE212 - "If a goal is worthy, then any means taken to attain it is justifiable."
WORDS: 615         
提纲：
1． 为了达到目的，实现价值确实往往需要竭尽全力的付出；
2． 然而，在竭力付出的时候，我们要严格注意努力是否会带来不良的后果；
3． 即使最终目的确定是有价值的，为了达到目的我们不能不择手段，必须不损害社会整体的利益；

正文：
On our path of life, we have numerous goals to realize, and each of them is like a rung of the ladder that goes to the accomplishment of one's value. With the innate passion of striving for the best, the intrinsic ambition to reach the challenging goals and the curiosity about what may come to being after achieving certain attainment, we will naturally try various means insofar as we can. Worthy as the goal is, is it justifiable to take any means, whether just or ill, to attain it? Definitely not.

Truly, it is highly deemed as right, or even admirable, to do one's utmost to achieve what one is pursing. Just like Nobel who invented explosives at the dangers of forfeiting his life, it is the abiding endeavor of a mass of scientists that pushes our technology ahead so that humans are able to enjoy the convenience brought about by the products of high-tech. Additionally, it is the lastingly industrious work of artists that leads humans to the threshold of esthetically gorgeous art kingdom where treasures of their intelligence are accumulated. We may be strongly impressed by the numerous drawings of eggs that Leonardo de Vinci made, which serve as the foundation of his marvelous skills. Also, it is the same with entrepreneurs who take efforts to promote the development of economy. As you can see, if it is not for the struggle going to great lengths, some of the highly prized goals of humans would never come true.

Yet, on our way pursing various goals by trial and error, we should at the same time rigorously see further into what they are likely to lead to and again whether they are in accordance with the catholic benefits of society or even human race. For instance, atomic energy, which is extensively applied to use in generating electricity, can simultaneously exterminate a country if it is in terrorists’ hand. It is the same when it comes to clone which, if used properly in medical care and the protection of rare animals on the edge of extinction, is at humans’ favor, while if unlawfully used in evil means it will otherwise threaten our civilization. Consequently, only do we take considerable account of the potential results brought about by our endeavor about certain goals can we indeed realize our value.

Further, even if the goal is worthy, do you hold it as justifiable to try every means possible to attain it at the cost of degrading your dignity, or what is worse, the holistic benefits of society? We can hardly fail to see that nowadays plagiarism in the field of academics is a frequent practice to attain certain preeminent titles. To illustrate, an associate professor in MIT cheated in his paper about some statistics, as a result of which he was dismissed. Moreover, with the advent of an economic era, our age has witnessed terrific development that is accompanied with serious worldwide pollution such as the global air contamination, the prevailing greenhouse effect and the depletion of some resources. From the angle of sustainable development, it is self-evidently unjustifiable to develop to the extent of paying high price in the future which can hardly be compensated. Thus, standing on a higher position, we should keep the delicate equilibrium between the individual goal and the overall benefits of the broader environment instead of hastily taking every possible means.

To sum up, it is admirable for us to exert ourselves to strive for our worthy goals, however, what is more important, we should simultaneously make sure the means we take will not imperil the holistic benefits, or we are likely to be enmeshed into the traps we make ourselves.

自己认真修改过，原文花了70多分钟
麻烦斑斑帮我修改了~真是好人品的^_^

[ 本帖最后由 alwaysbest 于 2006-7-16 22:29 编辑 ]

runningpiggyUID：194977

seated..

runningpiggyUID：194977

On our path of life, we have numerous goals to realize, and each of them is like a rung of the ladder that goes to the accomplishment of one's value.[很不错的比喻，不过似乎用as if会更好] With the innate passion of striving for the best, the intrinsic ambition to reach the challenging goals and the curiosity about what may come to being after achieving certain attainment,[呵呵，好长的状语，不错不错] we will naturally try various means insofar as we can. Worthy as the goal is, is it justifiable to take any means, whether just or ill, to attain it?[不要为了提问而回答问题，用陈述的语气来写。另外，我觉得你的观点大概不只是反对这个吧，应该还有些延伸吧，最好能明确地在第一段写出来，不然就浪费了前面那么精彩的背景介绍了] Definitely not. [这段在语言上看相当不俗，如果能更恰如其分地起到开头的作用就更好了]

Truly, it is highly deemed as right, or even admirable, to do one's utmost to achieve what one is pursing.[这里就很好，清晰地说出这段的分论点] Just like Nobel who invented explosives at the dangers of forfeiting his life, it is the abiding endeavor of a mass of scientists that pushes[push] our technology ahead so that humans are able to enjoy the convenience brought about by the products of high-tech.[这么快地提到科学的方面似乎不太好，我觉得你大概是想分几个方面来写这个分论点，最好能在这句和分论点之间加一句说明分论点所提及的情况在很多不同的领域都有所体现，话题最好不要转变得太快，做较大的转变之前前inform一下大家] Additionally, it is the lastingly industrious work of artists that leads humans to the threshold of esthetically gorgeous art kingdom where treasures of their intelligence are accumulated.[又来一个强调句似乎不是那么好，如果说想组成排比，可为什么后面说企业家那里又不是用it is that的强调。我觉得可以考虑一下only倒装来写这句] We may be strongly impressed by the numerous drawings of eggs that Leonardo de[似乎是da Vinci] Vinci made,[我不太明白怎么提这个东西，画鸡蛋这事情我觉得并没有给我多大的冲击，给人们冲击的是他的作品，我觉得最好是他的某某作品给了我们很大的冲击，然而在他完成这个作品的背后，他不断练习画鸡蛋来锻炼自己的skill才有了这个作品] which serve as the foundation of his marvelous skills. Also, it is the same with entrepreneurs who take efforts to promote the development of economy.[这个怎么就没例子了，随便说一家公司都可以阿，不说Gates，那说说杨志远，张朝阳总可以吧] As you can see, if it is not for the struggle going to great lengths, some of the highly prized goals of humans would never come true. [结尾也有点突然，跟前面突然地举例一样。而且如果平列地写三个方面，写完之后也要说说这些方面又怎么推出你的论点了。不过我看的还是挺享受的，语言很好啊]

Yet, on our way pursing various goals by trial and error, we should at the same time rigorously see further into what they are likely to lead to and again whether they are in accordance with the catholic benefits of society or even human race.[太长的论点句，这样是很致命的，表达观点的时候一定要简洁清晰] For instance,[跟前面一样，写完分论点最好能自己先分析分析这话，或者说说自己同意这论点的理由] atomic energy, which is extensively applied to use in generating electricity, can simultaneously exterminate a country if it is in terrorists’ hand. It is the same[这似乎不能这么写，真的要表达这意思可以用个similarly] when it comes to clone which, if used properly in medical care and the protection of rare animals on the edge of extinction, is at humans’ favor, while if unlawfully used in evil means it will otherwise threaten our civilization.[为什么不具体说说究竟是怎么个evil呢？跟前面没对应起来] Consequently, only[only还能这么倒装的？好像只能跟状语吧] do we take considerable account of the potential results brought about by our endeavor about certain goals can we indeed realize our value. [感觉还是跟前面一样，一直举例，缺乏自己的说理，如果不擅于说理，至少也要写完例子之后说说例子跟你的论点啥关系吧]

Further[more], even if the goal is worthy, do you hold it as justifiable to try every means possible to attain it at the cost of degrading your dignity, or what is worse, the holistic benefits of society?[这句也是奇怪，问了个问题至少得回答一下吧，不然大伙不知道你的答案究竟是yes还是no阿，难不成还得从后文自己寻找答案？] We can hardly[出现这个竟然没倒装，可惜] fail[否定再否定，似乎没有必要] to see that nowadays plagiarism in the field of academics is a frequent practice to attain certain preeminent titles. To illustrate[缺宾语，不定式作状语可以，可成份也需完整阿], an associate professor in MIT cheated in his paper about some statistics, as a result of which he was dismissed. Moreover, with the advent of an economic era, our age has witnessed[精彩的用法！] terrific development that is accompanied with serious worldwide pollution such as the global air contamination, the prevailing greenhouse effect and the depletion of some resources. From the angle of sustainable development, it is self-evidently unjustifiable to develop to the extent of paying high price in the future which can hardly be compensated.[好像有点chinglish] Thus, standing on a higher position, we should keep the delicate equilibrium between the individual goal and the overall benefits of the broader environment instead of hastily taking every possible means. [语言实在是好，就内容上看，跟第二段有些重复的地方，我认为是开始的TS没写好，把TS写清楚，把之后的内容全部都围绕着TS来写。另外就是比较多地考虑了语言和例子上的问题而没去考虑怎么论证的问题了]

To sum up, it is admirable for us to exert ourselves[没听过能exert oneself的] to strive for our worthy goals, however, what is more important, we should simultaneously make sure the means we take will not imperil the holistic benefits, or we are likely to be enmeshed into the traps[trap of what，最好写一下] we make ourselves. [结尾不错]


[看完整篇，最大的看法就是语言非常好，有些句子得分析分析才看明白，还查了好几次金山词霸，可以说是这几天来看到的语言写得最好的。可是跟别的文章类似，问题在于论证没搞好，有这样的语言就应该把目标定高一些了，平时想想怎么论述一个问题才是严密的，还有就是文章的结构自己没有想好，在写一些东西之前，就应该在前面埋好伏笔，作一下简要的介绍。总体来说这篇已经是很不错的文章了，我觉得如果argument能拿下，时间不是问题，现在上考场也可以了]