雅思作文 求批改

aayykuaileUID：3430407

自己写的一篇作文 结尾没有 请大牛帮忙看看主体部分 本人写作很烂 想求大家帮忙
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged .Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate become more useful adults . Discus both views and give your own opinion .
In this day and age, the concept of competition and cooperation has been the focus of the public debate . Some people hold the view that competition is more essential than teamwork. However, others hold the opposed attitude towards this issue. In my point of view , both sides are partly right.
To begin with ,there is no denying that the function of the competition during children’s growth . Children compete with others can, to some extent, not only enhence social adaptability but also foster perseverance To be more specific, there are many competition and adventurous in our daily live, when you compete with others ,some issues are ensuing and thus you spare no efforts to resolve this problem. Consequently , the potential abilities have been stimulated. In addition , competition is the driving force of the social progress. Sport competition gives us a very convincing illustration .Competing with others can stimulate the athletes’ desire for wining the match ,which makes the mach more exciting and attractive. Thus , competing is the motivation(动力) of the athletic development .
But in the meanwhile , if we only emphasis competition , some side effects will be emerged . In other words , cooperation is necessary . Firstly , teamwork can boost the efficiency . One person do one work is not the same as one hundred people do the same work . Secondly , cooperation can strengthen bonds with workmates and avoid conflicts .Complex relationships can be seen everywhere ,especially in the workplace. Cooperation can build trust between each other and help to bring long-term relationship . Cooperation can turn a small and weak business into a big and strong one

aayykuaileUID：3430407

求指导 啊 批改的越详细越好呀

喵呜~UID：3339380

如果想互改的话  可以到雅思写作互改小组  很抱歉  现在基本上没有人提供批改的帮助了