[作文] 【独立写作】Darren的作业贴 [复制链接]

adrian小豆
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发表于 2012-11-23 00:42:00 |只看该作者

亲这次写的不错哦抱歉我是晚睡晚起族所以回的晚了

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龙泽皮皮
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发表于 2012-11-25 20:37:52 |只看该作者

抱歉，这么晚:L，但还是要膜拜lz,句法优美

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mpromanus
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发表于 2012-11-28 04:10:29 |只看该作者

  A/D: A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.

When it comes to the element that exerts the most crucial influence upon people's moods, different people may maintain quite different ideas. Speaking for myself, I agree with the statement, with certain qualifications. One's job does have an impact on his or her happiness, nevertheless, we cannot overstate the job and ignore a more significant factor--social life.(If you 'agree' with the statement, then you agree that the job has a more significant impact on happiness than the person's social life. Whatever qualifications you may have should not change this basic stance. And here you end up contradicting yourself by saying social life is 'more significant'. If this is the position you are taking, then you do NOT agree with the statement.)

  Admittedly, as the cornerstone of one's life, the job can readily influence our thoughts and moods. For instance, very few, if any people can enjoy a colorful life without economic support. As a consequence, how much one obtains from his or her job is one of the essential factors ('the essential factors' of what?). Nevertheless, compared with the job, one's social life has a much more significant influence on one's happiness.

  To begin with, a wonderful social life can alleviate one's pressure, bring relaxation and pleasure, at last (This means 'finally' with a sense that the finality should have come sooner, i.e. whatever that comes 'at last' is possibly something long overdue.) boost the efficiency of work and improve our life-satisfaction. Confronted with increasingly intense competition, young people today often suffer from severe pressures. They work hard to find their own niches in the cruel society. Enjoying the time spent with their friends goes a long way to relieve the pressure (If you want to use 'the pressure', use the singular form throughout, or else your reader would think that the 'severe pressures' in the middle of the paragraph is something different from 'the pressure' here.). Plenty of young white-collars often involve themselves in some after-work activities, such as singing songs, watching movies, playing cards, etc. From this analysis, we know that social life is of great effect on both one’s life and work.(Most of this paragraph only talks about work. I don't see where you talked about the effect of social life in 'life', except a mention of 'life-satisfaction' very early on.)

  In addition, the social network which can be built during people's social lives is indispensable for old and young alike. No one can deny that no matter how strong or successful a person is, he or she also needs the assistance offered by friends. The assistance can make sure he or she overcomes the difficulties and feels happy again. The experience me (? Do you mean 'my experience'?) matches the view perfectly. I participated in a campus club last year. Fortunately, I made a large number of friends from different professions (I find it hard to believe that you can actually meet many people of different 'professions' in a campus club, because 'professions' means '(usually serious, professional) jobs', and even though students on a campus may work, the kind of jobs they hold are usually not considered 'professions'.). This semester, when taking part in a science competition, I met some mathematic problems (This is like you say 数学问题 rather than 数学麻烦 in Chinese. If you want to use 'trouble', you can only say 'I have trouble in mathematics'.). It was my friend who majors in math that gave me a hand. (Right. So you actually meant you met many students from different 'majors', rather than 'professions'..) We can conclude from this illustration that social life can help one build one’s own social network which will be indeed beneficial.(So can one's job. Social life is not the only scenario where you can build social networks, yes? In fact, a person's professional social network built through colleagues and people he met in other professions may actually help him better – if you haven't heard about LinkedIn, go have a look at it and you'll see what I mean. And, most importantly, this whole paragraph has no relevance to the question about 'happiness' – so not only that you didn't prove a person's social life is more significant than his job, you also missed the point of the argument altogether.)

  Taking all these factors into account, we can safely draw the conclusion that social life is regarded as a more important factor that influences people's happiness.

总结：

请注意冠词的使用。另外第二个分论点完全跑题嗯 = =

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