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本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-6-14 15:18 编辑
[0609 同主题练习] Argument 78
78) The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of a food distribution company with food storage warehouses in several cities.
Recently, we signed a contract with the Fly-Away Pest Control Company to provide pest control services at our fast-food warehouse in Palm City, but last month we discovered that over $20,000 worth of food there had been destroyed by pest damage. Meanwhile, the Buzzoff Pest Control Company, which we have used for many years, continued to service our warehouse in Wintervale, and last month only $10,000 worth of the food stored there had been destroyed by pest damage. Even though the price charged by Fly-Away is considerably lower, our best means of saving money is to return to Buzzoff for all our pest control services.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
结论:to save money, it is better for the food distribution company to hire Buzzoff rather than Fly-Away.
论据:last month, over $20,000 worth of food was destroyed in the warehouse in Palm City,
while only $10,000 worth of the food stored was destroyed in Wintervale, where Buzzoff was hired.
Para.1 | 作用 | 内容点评 | 语言点评 | The vice president argued that in order to save money, the food distribution company should hire Buzzoff rather than Fly-Away based on the food destroyed in their two warehouses last month. | 概括president的结论、论据 | | the amount of food destroyed ... | To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the actual rate of food destroyed, more data about Fly-Away’s performance in the past as well as the detailed cost of hiring price and food lost. | 主旨句 | | actual percentage |
看了范文,发现这里可以讨论的点不只总的food storage,还有仓库条件、害虫种类等等
Revised:
The vice president argued that in order to save money, the food distribution company should hire Buzzoff rather than Fly-Away based on the amount of food destroyed in their two warehouses last month. To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the actual percentage of food destroyed, more data about Fly-Away’s performance in the past as well as the detailed cost of hiring price and food lost.
Para.2 | 作用 | 内容点评 | 语言点评 | To begin with, we need more evidence about the rate of the destroyed food and the total storage in each warehouse. | ts1 | | | Only the value of the damaged food in the respective warehouses was not enough. | 说明现有数据不够 | | | It could be possible that there was $100,000 worth of food stored in Palm City, while there was only $30,000 worth amount stored in Wintervale. Under this circumstance, the rate of destroyed food in Palm, where Fly-Away Pest Control Company was hired, is 20% but in Wintervale, where Buzzoff was hired, is actually 33%. | 提出可能性 | 感觉这样举数字略显clumsy It may be the case that a larger amount of food with higher total value was stored in Wintervale than in ... | | Obviously, less worth of food destroyed does not indicate less loose. | 提出结论 | | less worth of food 表达
loose -loss
| Therefore, we need to know more about the percentage of destroyed food in the two warehouses. | 总结ts1,回应evidence | | |
Revised:
To begin with, we need more evidence about the percentage of the destroyed food and the total storage in each warehouse. Only the value of the damaged food in the respective warehouses was not enough. It may be the case that a larger amount of food with higher total value was stored in Palm City than in Wintervale. The $20,000 worth of food destroyed in Palm City, where Fly-Away Pest Control Company was hired, may be a smaller percentage than that in Wintervale, where Buzzoff was hired. In this case, less destroyed food does not mean less loss. Therefore, we need to know more about the percentage of destroyed food in the two warehouses.
Para.3 | 作用 | 内容点评 | 语言点评 | Moreover, more evidence about the actual ability of Fly-Away to control pest is necessary to decide which company to cooperate with. | ts2 | 感觉应对比两间公司的过往记录 | | It could be an accident that Fly-Away had a bad control of pest since we have only one-month data. | 提出可能性 | 这个意思没有表达好
Performance record of one job may not represent the overall performance of the company as the employees working on this job may be exceptionally well-trained and responsible whereas their colleagues may not perform as well in other jobs | | The actual capacity to control pest in food warehouses can be learned from the past performance of Fly-Away. | 可能的解决方案 | | | We could just investigate the data in the past few years from other food warehouses which have ever cooperated with Fly-Away. | 解决方案展开 | | | Only when we have the evidence showing that Fly-Away control pest worse than Buzzoff could we make the decision of adopting Buzzoff to save money. | 总结ts2,回应evidence | | Fly-Away control pest worse (less effectively)
表达问题 |
Revised:
Additionally, more evidenve about the past performance of the two pest control companies is necessary for us to compare their service and to decide which company to cooperate with. Performance of one month's job may not represent the overall performance of a company as the employees may not be exceptionally well-trained during the first month. The actual capacity to control pest in food warehouses can be learned from the past performance of Fly-Away. We could just investigate the data in the past few years from other food warehouses which have ever cooperated with Fly-Away. Only when we have the evidence showing that the work of Fly-Away is less effectively than Buzzoff could we make the decision of adopting Buzzoff to save money.
Para.4 | 作用 | 内容点评 | 语言点评 | Finally, we need to look into the specific payment of hiring the two pest control companies, namely, to compare the difference between the lost money and the difference between the hiring prices. | ts3 | | payment- cost | It is possible that the food distribution company suffers a $10,000 more of lost but pays $15,000 less when hiring Fly-Away. | 提出可能性 | | lost- loss | If this situation is close to the reality, using service from Fly-Away will definitely be helpful to save money. | 该可能情况下的结论 | | this situation is close to the reality什么意思? | Therefore, for the purpose of saving money, we should consider more evidence about the hiring price and the food lost. | 总结ts3,回应evidence | | |
Revised:
Finally, we need to look into the specific cost of hiring the two pest control companies, namely, to compare the difference between the lost money and the difference between the hiring prices. It is possible that the food distribution company suffers a $10,000 more of loss but pays $15,000 less when hiring Fly-Away. In this case, using service from Fly-Away will definitely be helpful to save money. Therefore, for the purpose of saving money, we should consider more evidence about the hiring price and the food lost.
Para.5 | 作用 | 内容点评 | 语言点评 | In sum, to better evaluate this argument, it is better to know the specific destroyed food percentage, the past performance of Fly-Away pest control company as well as the difference between the hiring price and the financial lost in both the two pest control companies. | 总结段 | | |
40分钟……和过去的相比已经算是比较流畅的了也可能是因为这一篇在point上面难度不大。再多写写时间应该还可以缩短吧、、
感觉确定有进步 |
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