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0910AW 同主题写作第二期 ARGUMENT173 by blade134 [复制链接]

blade134
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-7-26 23:39:37 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

同主题

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CsGRE
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沙发

发表于 2009-7-28 14:19:48 |只看该作者

The argument makes conclusion by some ostensible phenomenon, and is lack of analyzing the reason behind. In this argument, the author describes the discovery that the magazines with international stories on their front covers have to be poorest-selling magazines in the past three years. He also refers to the competitors' reduction in this aspect and the increasing budget of the foreign bureaus. 你写这两句的目的是什么？是告诉读者这篇文章写这些东西是为了什么，同时也为你后文攻击联系下铺垫。而不是单纯说文章说了什么。你这样只是简单的复述题目，而不是为了攻击他们而复述。However, we should not take action用词不当 as what he suggests until we clarify some suspicious flaws of this phenomenon.模板句。。事实上suspicious flaws of this phenomenon在这篇文章是不存在的。存在的只是提供的facts和结论联系上的漏洞。

First, the author's most distinct flaw is he underestimates the significance of the international news report just by the phenomenon that people do not buy the magazines with international news on covers.前后句联系不紧密 Maybe there are some other reasons, such as they do not like the classic form of report any more on international news, or they can not bear the waiting time 你要表达什么意思。。of getting information.没看懂你这个他因要表达什么意思= = As Internet grows very fast in recent years, people can get the latest information in forms of text, pictures or even videos from some web sites every day. This development用词不当 could possibly reduce their consumption on traditional paper-based magazines. Therefore, we should reconsider whether the form of our information is proper or not, and observe whether these consumers were attracted by some professional international news web sites.切入点是好的。切下去以后就无边际发散了。Argument不需要发散。这在官方说明里写的很清楚。你所要展示的是这个facts和他的conclusion怎样的不衔接。你仅说明了这个facts存在一定的问题。但是并没有说明这个问题和作者结论是怎样联系上的。而却了这点。你的Argument也只能是一条腿走路。

Another distinctive flaw is the author just refers to the action of their competitors, neither analyzing the reason nor showing the result. Perhaps they quitted because they didn’t have the journalist familiar with international news reporting, or their communication between the foreign bureaus and headquarter is not as quickly as they thought.他因要合理。。这个他因看着很奇怪。。直接说因为竞争激烈决定转行啥的相比起来都要符合市场规律一些。。 These reasons have no influence on whether we should diminish our number of international stories. Besides, we do not know the effect of their action, 请说清楚，什么effect，虽然我能够理解你的意思（你可能用错了词。。），但是这样含糊不清的表达可能会带来误解。。if they do not get sufficient benefit from the decrease, why should we do the same?

In addition, the author's logic, controlling the increasing cost of foreign bureaus by reducing the number of international news stories, is not so sensible. We need to know why the cost increased to judge whether it can improve our news report or not.不通，表意不明 If it turns out to be we need pay more for some training of employees, it is definitely worth as long as they can produce more attractive news.没人买咱的报纸看这些新闻，咱还花钱写这些东西干嘛？ Another important detail the author has ignored is how much the increase of the cost is, if we can afford it easily, it will not be an important factor for us to determine our action.

lz在这篇文章的构架上逻辑不是很清晰哈。这篇文章3个攻击点句子
1.买inter cover的数量很低。
2.对手退出。
3.成本加大。
1.2所指为市场变化，3为成本变化。
所以1.2攻击完以后就一定得得出一个市场并不因为cover而缩小
在3的时候才能为成本缩小而不一定利润缩小做铺垫。

这篇A看着虽然简单，但是也还是有点意思啦~LZ加油~~

In sum, as some critical reasons are not clear and some useful data are not provided, making a conclusion that we should decrease the number of international stories on covers of our magazines is not reasonable. We should take some further investigation, such as visiting our consumers to know why they don't buy these magazines with international stories on covers, to help us make the final decision.

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blade134
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板凳

发表于 2009-7-29 11:35:51 |只看该作者

谢谢楼上同学指教，有需要的地方请留言

继续改作文去。。。

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地板

发表于 2009-7-31 22:40:40 |只看该作者

The argument makes conclusion by some ostensible phenomenon, and is lack of analyzing the reason behind.(这一句貌似多余了，因为后文也没有找到与之呼应的) In this argument, the author describes the discovery that the magazines with international stories on their front covers have to be poorest-selling magazines in the past three years. He also refers to the competitors' reduction in this aspect and the increasing budget of the foreign bureaus. However, we should not take action as what he suggests until we clarify some suspicious flaws of this phenomenon.

First, the author's most distinct flaw is he underestimates the significance of the international news report just by the phenomenon that people do not buy the magazines with international news on covers. Maybe there are some other reasons, such as they do not like the classic form of report any more on international news, or they cannot bear the waiting time of getting information. （这里列举的其它原因很好，学习了！）As Internet grows very fast in recent years, people can get the latest information in form of text, pictures or even videos from some web sites every day. This development could possibly reduce their consumption on traditional paper-based magazines. Therefore, we should reconsider whether the form of our information is proper or not, and observe whether these consumers were attracted by some professional international news web sites.（题目中已经说是publisher，这里讨论paper的问题是不是有点远了。）（这段分析的是因果不成立的缺陷，列举他因部分很有说服力，但是后面有点偏离中心）

Another distinctive（是否可以考虑换个词表述，增加语言分）flaw is the author just refers to the action of their competitors, neither analyzing the reason nor showing the result. Perhaps they quitted because they didn’t have the journalist familiar with international news reporting, or their communication between the foreign bureaus and headquarter is not as quickly as they thought. These reasons have no influence on whether we should diminish our number of international stories. Besides, we do not know the effect of their action, if they do not get sufficient benefit from the decrease, why should we do the same?（这段分析的是比较不充分的缺陷，个人感觉既然是比较，那结合两者关系来谈是不是更有力？）

In addition, the author's logic, controlling the increasing cost of foreign bureaus by reducing the number of international news stories, is not so sensible. We need to know why the cost increased to judge whether it can improve our news report or not. If it turns out to be we need pay more for some training of employees,（没有看懂这句与上句的联系，为什么会多雇佣人呢？）it is definitely worth as long as they can produce more attractive news. Another important d etail the author has ignored is how much the increase of the cost is, if we can afford it easily, it will not be an important factor for us to determine our action.（这段攻击的是foreign bureaus这句，觉得句子内部，以及句子前后要是再衔接紧点就好了。说的都是我自己认为不足的地方，因为我也是新手，还请楼主多多包涵了！）

In sum, as some critical reasons are not clear and some useful data are not provided, making a conclusion that we should decrease the number of international stories on covers of our magazines is not reasonable. We should take some further investigation, such as visiting our consumers to know why they don't buy these magazines with international stories on covers, to help us make the final decision.

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matcheaven~
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5楼

发表于 2009-7-31 22:45:36 |只看该作者

不好意思啊,忘记了.从word里粘过来颜色都没有了...晕
The argument makes conclusion by some ostensible phenomenon, and is lack of analyzing the reason behind.(这一句貌似多余了，因为后文也没有找到与之呼应的) In this argument, the author describes the discovery that the magazines with international stories on their front covers have to be poorest-selling magazines in the past three years. He also refers to the competitors' reduction in this aspect and the increasing budget of the foreign bureaus. However, we should not take action as what he suggests until we clarify some suspicious flaws of this phenomenon.

First, the author's most distinct flaw is he underestimates the significance of the international news report just by the phenomenon that people do not buy the magazines with international news on covers.Maybe there are some other reasons, such as they do not like the classic form of report any more on international news, or they cannot bear the waiting time of getting information. （这里列举的其它原因很好，学习了！）As Internet grows very fast in recent years, people can get the latest information in form of text, pictures or even videos from some web sites every day. This development could possibly reduce their consumption on traditional paper-based magazines. Therefore, we should reconsider whether the form of our information is proper or not, and observe whether these consumers were attracted by some professional international news web sites.（题目中已经说是publisher，这里讨论paper的问题是不是有点远了。）（这段分析的是因果不成立的缺陷，列举他因部分很有说服力，但是后面有点偏离中心）

Another distinctive（是否可以考虑换个词表述，增加语言分）flaw is the author just refers to the action of their competitors, neither analyzing the reason nor showing the result. Perhaps they quitted because they didn’t have the journalist familiar with international news reporting, or their communication between the foreign bureaus and headquarter is not as quickly as they thought. These reasons have no influence on whether we should diminish our number of international stories. Besides, we do not know the effect of their action, if they do not get sufficient benefit from the decrease, why should we do the same?（这段分析的是比较不充分的缺陷，个人感觉既然是比较，那结合两者关系来谈是不是更有力？）

In addition, the author's logic, controlling the increasing cost of foreign bureaus by reducing the number of international news stories, is not so sensible. We need to know why the cost increased to judge whether it can improve our news report or not. If it turns out to be we need pay more for some training of employees,（没有看懂这句与上句的联系，为什么会多雇佣人呢？）it is definitely worth as long as they can produce more attractive news. Another important d etail the author has ignored is how much the increase of the cost is, if we can afford it easily, it will not be an important factor for us to determine our action.（这段攻击的是foreign bureaus这句，觉得句子内部，以及句子前后要是再衔接紧点就好了。说的都是我自己认为不足的地方，因为我也是新手，还请楼主多多包涵了！）

In sum, as some critical reasons are not clear and some useful data are not provided, making a conclusion that we should decrease the number of international stories on covers of our magazines is not reasonable. We should take some further investigation, such as visiting our consumers to know why they don't buy these magazines with international stories on covers, to help us make the final decision.