[a习作temp] 【NINE小组】第十三次作业--by spin.q [复制链接]

ashtray_s
UID: 3008202

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 244
注册时间: 2011-2-14
精华: 0
帖子: 5

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2011-9-13 22:18:17 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

The notion that C is a top choice for retirement is one that need more consideration of evidence, data and analysis. Many assumptions have been made about C’s advantages, thus more evidence is needed in order to draw a more convincing conclusion.

First of all, stated in the argument is the fact that housing costs in C have fallen significantly during the past and taxes are lower than those in neighboring towns. However, the author fails to provide the exact price of C’s house. It is at least possible that the housing price in C is still higher than other areas after the falling. Also, without the comparison of taxes in C with those in other areas besides neighboring towns, we cannot evaluate whether C has an advantage over other cities in taxes. Thus, unless the author can provide evidence about C’s advantage in housing costs and real estate taxes, I cannot be convinced about his/her conclusion.

Evidence that the mayor can keep his promise and finish those improvements soon would also strengthen the argument. Moreover, findings from research about what retirees value most for a place to retirement would help as well. Assuming that they would value schools, streets, and public services may be not safe. It is quite possible when choosing a place for retirement, they would concern more about the commodity price, transportation, etc. rather than those mentioned by the author. The author would never know unless he asks the retirees exactly what they value most when choosing a place for retirement.

Apart from that, the author fails to establish a causal relationship between the number of physicians in C and the health care quality. More specific information about the physicians in C would help strengthen the argument. If, for example, many physicians choose to live there just because of the lower house price of C and they actually work a neighbor city, or these physicians are not quite qualified to provide satisfying health care, then the retirees health care after their retirement would be left to doubt. Moreover, the author would benefit from offering other information about the health care condition in C. After all, there are many other factors contributing to the health care condition as well, such as government policy and the price of health care.

In sum, the author generalize too hastily that C would be an ideal place for retirement. Careful analysis of all factors and further research are indispensible before such a conclusion is made.

相关帖子 Updated by 2024.11.13

回应
0

使用道具举报

oyxj1551
UID: 3150888

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 14
寄托币: 171
注册时间: 2011-8-13
精华: 0
帖子: 8

沙发

发表于 2011-9-15 08:50:49 |只看该作者

The notion that C is a top choice for retirement is one that need(needs) moreconsideration of evidence, data and analysis. Many assumptionshave been made about C’s advantages, thus more evidence is needed in order todraw a more convincing conclusion.
开头两句话表达意思重复，两句话需要取舍一句，然后再添加一些其他的内容

First of all, stated in the argument is the fact that housingcosts in C have fallen significantly during the past and taxes are lower thanthose in neighboring towns. However, the author fails to provide the exactprice of C’s house. It is at least possible that the housing price in C isstill higher than other areas after the falling. Also, without the comparisonof taxes in C with those in other areas besides（besides 是包含neighboringtowns的，我认为是不是应该用不包含的except） neighboring towns, we cannot evaluatewhether C has an advantage over other cities in taxes. Thus, unless the authorcan provide evidence about C’s advantage in housing costs and real estatetaxes, I cannot be convinced about his/her conclusion.
这一段从房价和税收两个方面来写，论证清楚，没有太大问题。
Evidence that the mayor can keep his promise and finish(fullfill) thoseimprovements soon would also strengthen the argument.(感觉这缺了一句：但文章并没有提供这种证据，否则我们不能清楚地知道你说的evidence是文章里的还是你提供的) Moreover,findings from research about what retirees value most for a place to retirementwould help as well.（假如说finding的结果与文章相反，我们还能说它能够help么，真如你下句提到的，你所提供的evidence是有漏洞的，那你在此提出只会增加文章的漏洞）
Assumingthat they would value schools, streets, and public services may be not safe.（safe这词用这感觉挺怪） It is quitepossible when choosing a place for retirement, they would concern more aboutthe commodity price, transportation, etc. rather than those mentioned by theauthor. The author would never（太绝对了） know unlesshe asks the retirees exactly what they value most when choosing a place forretirement.

Apart from that（指代不确定）, the authorfails to establish a causal relationship between the number of physicians in Cand the health care quality. More specific information about the physicians inC would help strengthen the argument. If, for example, many physicianschoose to live there just because of the lower house price of C and theyactually work （in）a neighbor city, or these physicians arenot quite qualified to provide satisfying health care, then the retirees(retirees’) health careafter their retirement would be left to doubt. Moreover, the author wouldbenefit from offering other information about the health care condition in C.After all, there are many other factors contributing to the healthcare condition as well, such as government policy and the price of healthcare.

In sum, the author generalize too hastily that C would be anideal place for retirement. Careful analysis of all factors and furtherresearch are indispensible before such a conclusion is made.

整篇文章用到提供evidence的方法由于自己之前在写作过程中并没使用过，所以看起来有点吃力，后来再仔细研读，对文章有了重新的认识，同时这个过程也是一个学习的过程。

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

使用道具举报

返回列表