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[优秀习作] issue214 needle点评 [复制链接]

LSD
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2004-4-10 18:15:20 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

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LSD
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沙发

发表于 2004-4-10 19:25:16 |只看该作者

syllabus:
1.开头：反对论点
2.过早的特殊教育会使儿童失去美好的童年，在他们长大成人后产生一些心理问题。
3.特殊教育的另一个弊端：他们所拥有天赋的学科并不一定就是他们喜爱并且向从事的专业
4.一些伟大的天才在他们小的时候并没有接受过类似的特殊教育，但是仍然成就了自己的事业。
5.结尾：再次点明主旨

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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板凳

发表于 2004-4-10 22:11:46 |只看该作者

自己顶一下:p

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needle
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地板

发表于 2004-4-10 22:31:33 |只看该作者

占座

补：西西，忘了加上这个了：

附件: 你需要登录才可以下载或查看附件。没有帐号？立即注册

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5楼

发表于 2004-4-10 23:08:50 |只看该作者

It can be traced back to the last century that among （不妥，during）several countries in the world, there came into being a new sort of education called "elite education" which project is carried by some schools,（意义不明） always some famous schools, their task is to choose some students who have been thought hold some special talents and abilities and begin training them at an early age so that they can eventually excel in their areas of ability. Whether this form of education will bring benefit to both society and these talents themselves have been debated for years.（在前一段的习作中，我也喜欢这样的开头，尽量把句子弄得复杂。现在发现自己其实没有很强的驾驭长句的能力。结果其实是让看官运里雾里，句子的真正意义也并不清晰，显得罗嗦）

To begin with, I have regret to say that this education is to some extent improper, or even cruel to the students who will be choose to take those special courses. Have educators ever consider the sense of the students? What should they do at this age if they are only ordinary children? What will they think of their childhood when they grow up? How will these talents feel those courses provide them? However, it seems that educators have not take these problems into consideration when they identified these children and begin training them. In fact, these unfathomed problems have become bombs, which will eventually crack （即使前面的bomb用的合适，这里也应该是explode）someday. In fact, some information has already confirmed（感觉不妥） what I dispute above. When these talents grow up, they always suffer from drawbacks, which those special educations leave them. They are prone to isolated（self-isolation）, and have difficulty in communicating with others. Moreover, their extremeness, selfish, arrogant all of these characteristics block them to be mature persons and finally become barriers for them to excel in theirs areas.（武断） Even some reports say that this students' suicide rate is much more higher than common people. So we should think over what these special education's real significance, whether it is bless or curse for our society.（临近考试，很多g友给我的意见是理清文章结构和思路，topic sentence和conclusion sentence应该分别点明中心思想，使文章看起来更清晰）

Not only these special education will cause some psychological problem of these children, further more, educator should consider that children may have no interesting in the realms they have special abilities and are not willing to make further study in these subjects.（好长的长句，其实效果不一定如你想象的那么好） One of my friends is a case in point. He was only eight years old when he was pitched on to enter a special class in a famous school in my hometown, for he has an outstanding talent in mathematics. Three years later, he graduated and studied in a college in math. Unluckily, math was not his favorite subject and his ultimate dream is to learn music and became a musician. All what the education give him is a waste of time and a terrible memory.（语气过重，说明early education is sometimes misleading就可以） From this case, it is obviously that choosing a major for a child so early is impractical since in that age child has no recognition of his/her plan of the future and has not build up one's philosophy, value ethics yet, so it is entirely possible that they will change mind in the future when they grow up.

After reading these, some people may argue that if these children are not begin training at an early age, their talents are likely to remain undeveloped. In fact, these worries are unnecessary. Gold will shine even if buried in mud. In the long river of history, we can see many brilliant individuals who have not get any special training or education at an early age but achieve great success though his/her own endeavor. For example, Edison, who is the most outstanding inventor in 19th century, did not got any special education and only got a three month formal education even worse, he was seem as an idiot from teacher's eyes. Whereas, via his own diligent and special talent in the field of invention, he made great contribution to the society and his name is deemed to be a symbol of an era.

In sum, although this issue will continue be discussed and haven’t got a final idea right now, what I assert is that these students should not be identified in such an early age. They need share a happy childhood just like their common companies and determine their destiny on their own.

论证不是很有说服力，但是你的提纲给人的感觉还不错
如何寻找恰当的例子可能比较重要
因为你选择的是比较独特的观点（compared to the majority here in gterhome）

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6楼

发表于 2004-4-10 23:32:59 |只看该作者

十分感谢:p

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7楼

发表于 2004-4-11 00:23:01 |只看该作者

issue214
"Society should identify those children who have special talents and abilities and begin training them at an early age so that they can eventually excel in their areas of ability. Otherwise, these talents are likely to remain undeveloped."

It can be traced back to the last century that among several countries in the world, there came into being a new sort of education [style/system/method] called "elite education" which project [去掉project] is carried by some schools, always some famous schools, [断句] their [指代schools?] task is to choose some students who have been thought hold [of holding] some [连着4个some了，挺别扭的] special talents and abilities and begin training them at an early age so that they can eventually excel in their areas of ability. Whether this form of education will bring benefit to both society and these talents themselves have been debated for years.[没有提出自己的立场！介绍了精英教育的内容和目的（实际是restate原题），提出其被争论，但是没有自己的观点和判断]

To begin with, I have [去掉。抱歉的说，regret to say] regret to say that this education is to some extent improper, or even cruel to the students who will be [are是不是更好一些] choose [chosen] to take those special courses. Have educators ever consider[ed] the sense of the students? What should they do at this age if they are [were] only ordinary children? What will they think of their childhood when they grow up? How will these talents feel those courses provide[d for] them? However, it seems that educators have not take [taken] these problems into consideration when they identified [identify] these children and begin training them [要不然就整句用过去时][有证据证明教育学家没有考虑吗？提出了很多问题，但是一个也没有答案。没有有利于专家的答案不能推出专家有失误，同样没有有利于自己的答案不能推出自己的结论]. In fact, these unfathomed problems have become bombs, which will eventually crack [这个词用来之炸弹的爆炸吗？explode] someday. In fact, some information has already confirmed what I dispute above. When these talents grow up, they always suffer from drawbacks, which those special educations leave [with/to][感觉用完成时态好一点] them. They are prone to [be] isolated, and have difficulty in communicating with others. Moreover, their [去掉their] extremeness, selfish[selfishness], [and] arrogant [arrogance][, ]all of these characteristics block them to be mature persons and finally become barriers for them to excel in theirs areas. Even some reports say that this [these] students' suicide rate is much more [去掉more] higher than [that of] common people. So we should think over what these special education's real significance, [and] whether it is bless [这是动词.a blessing] or [a] curse for our society.[尽管后半段提到了可能的恶果，但是没有联系到教育。应该说明怎样的教育导致怎样的恶果。笼统的说those courses谁也不知道究竟和传统教育模式有什么区别，为什么必然有这些恶果出现。]

Not only these [this] special education [style/mold/…] will cause some psychological problem of [to] these children, further more, educator should consider that children may [might] have no interesting [interest] in the realms [in which] they have special abilities and are [去掉are. they might be] not willing to make further study in these subjects [这一句好长，可惜结构很混乱。开头的not only，对应的but also不见了。反而有个furthermore,不对。]. One of my friends is a case in point. He was only eight years old when he was pitched on to enter a special class in a famous school in my hometown, for he has [had] an outstanding talent in mathematics. Three years later, he graduated and studied [began to study math] in a college in math[去掉in math]. Unluckily, math was not his favorite subject and his ultimate dream is [was] to learn music and became [become] a musician. All what [what换that，或者去掉all] the education give [gave] him is [was] a waste of time and a terrible memory. From this case, it is obviously that choosing a major for a child so early [好像这个例子没有说明early的问题，没有谈到是什么时候发现喜好的] is impractical since in that age child has no recognition of his/her plan of [for] the future and has not build [built] up one's philosophy, value ethics [价值观？] yet, [since前面就是结论了，后面有出来一个结论句so，不太合适吧？] so it is entirely possible that they will change mind in the future when they grow up.

After reading these, some people may argue that if these children are [had] not begin [begun] training at an early age, their talents are [would be] likely to remain undeveloped. In fact, these worries are unnecessary. Gold will shine even if buried in mud. In the long river of history, we can see many brilliant individuals who have not get any special training or education at an [their] early age but achieve great success though [through] his/her own endeavor. For example, Edison, who is [was] the most outstanding [典型错误！outstanding是不可以用最高级的！切记！改为an outstanding] inventor in 19th century [Edison在20世纪活了31年呢！], did not got [get] any special education and only got a three month formal education [if not/or] even worse [这一句很别扭，改一下。Edison, … , got nothing special but a formal education of only three month or even worse. ], he was seem [seemed] as an idiot from teacher's eyes. Whereas, via his own diligent and special talent in the field of invention, he made great contribution to the society and his name is deemed to be a symbol of an era. [爱迪生的例子好吗？这道题目说的是怎么教育天才儿童，而爱迪生明显不属于在很小的时候就显露出天才的孩子，不是考虑的对象啊！！！这一段的TS说的是如果不进行早期特殊教育，那么孩子的天赋将被埋没。爱迪生的例子好像跟天才儿童被不被埋没一点关系都没有。]

In sum, although this issue will continue be [being] discussed and haven’t got a final idea right now, [issue的确可以表示社会事件，但是这里这篇文章也叫issue啊！这句话只能让人感觉你的文章没写完，还要接着讨论。结果一看，下面又没有了，真担心判你结构不完整。是范文中的写法吗？我没看过多少范文，如果说错了别见怪] what I [am going to/will] assert is that these students should not be identified in such an early age. They need share a happy childhood just like their common companies and determine their destiny [destinies] on their own.

还有五天就要上战场了，但是现在觉得自己离考试要求的水平还差得远呢，好急啊！
大家帮忙看看我的这篇能不能上4分啊，我需不需要延期阿？
好难过~~~~期待中

[感觉论证不够完善。开头应该要点出自己的立场，支持或者反对，或部分。

Body1和body2感觉应该调换位置，先说body2的兴趣问题，再说body1的恶果问题，感觉比较对应时间顺序。Body3论证不会被埋没的时候例子举的不合适。

文章中的单复数和时态问题要注意。感觉句子组织的也不够紧凑。加油！]

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LSD
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8楼

发表于 2004-4-11 00:30:04 |只看该作者

十分感谢

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LSD
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9楼

发表于 2004-4-11 01:02:40 |只看该作者

漏洞这么多好惭愧，总结了一下：
1。在第一段提出观点：反对天才儿童的过早教育
2。论述过早的教育不利于儿童的人生选择举例
3。论述过早的教育使儿童失去了他们应有的童年生活，他们会不快乐
4。这种早期教育会使儿童们产生一些心理问题
5。去掉爱迪生的例子

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bqjie
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10楼

发表于 2004-4-11 01:19:06 |只看该作者

标题错了，写成241了

这篇是我想得最多的。。观点竟然和楼主差不多。。呵呵

先占个位阿。。

我要去流浪，走尽人间路。。。

Where is the destination..............

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LSD
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11楼

发表于 2004-4-11 02:57:45 |只看该作者

不好意思，误导大家了

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bqjie
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12楼

发表于 2004-4-11 12:22:47 |只看该作者

It can be traced back to the last century that among several countries in the world, there came into being a new sort of education called "elite education" which project is carried by some schools, always some famous schools, their（这里用whose分开吧，两个句子一起？） task is to choose some students who have been thought hold some special talents and abilities and begin training them at an early age so that they can eventually excel in their areas of ability. Whether this form of education will bring benefit to both society and these talents themselves have been debated for years. 其实开头还是提出一点观点好的。而且不要用太长的句子了，很难保证不出错的。一上来句子有问题给人影响就会差点了。

To begin with, I have regret to（这怎么这么别扭） say that this education is to some extent improper, or even cruel to the students who will be choose to take those special courses.（我觉得过于肯定了，应该说得更完整一些，对于那些不愿意的，或者有其他爱好的孩子才是这样。） Have educators ever consider the sense of the students? What should they do at this age if they are only ordinary children? What will they think of their childhood when they grow up? How will these talents feel those courses provide them? However, it seems that educators have not take（taken） these problems into consideration when they identified these children and begin training them. In fact, these unfathomed problems have become bombs, which will eventually crack someday. （在这个后面讲的又是另外一个关于不平衡发展的理由了，是否考虑再把上面论述清楚一些，下面再起一段呢？）In fact, some information has already confirmed what I dispute above. When these talents grow up, they always suffer from drawbacks, which those special educations leave them. They are prone to isolated, and have difficulty in communicating with others. Moreover, their extremeness, selfish, arrogant all of these characteristics block them to be mature persons and finally become barriers for them to excel in theirs areas. Even some reports say that this students' suicide rate is much more higher（去掉more） than common people. So we should think over what these special education's real significance, whether it is bless or curse for our society.（我想这个关于难以保持平衡和精神健康的可以展开多一点。）

Not only these special education will cause some psychological problem of these children, further more,（用but also） educator should consider that children may have no interesting in the realms they have special abilities and are not willing to make further study in these subjects.（这个观点我觉得和上面一段前半部分是可以整合起来的，就是这样早期的教育并没考虑孩子的意愿，是社会或家长单方面的意志） One of my friends is a case in point. He was only eight years old when he was pitched on to （去掉on吧）enter a special class in a famous school in my hometown, for he has an outstanding talent in mathematics. Three years later, he graduated and studied in a college in math. Unluckily, math was not his favorite subject and his ultimate dream is to learn music and became a musician. All what the education give him is a waste of time（这用法怪怪的） and a terrible memory. From this case, it is obviously that choosing a major for a child so early is impractical since in that age child has no recognition of his/her plan of the future and has not build up one's philosophy, value ethics yet, so it is entirely possible that they will change mind in the future when they grow up.

After reading these, some people may argue that if these children are not begin training at an early age, their talents are likely to remain undeveloped. （很好的回应了题目的后半部分）In fact, these worries are unnecessary. Gold will shine even if buried in mud. In the long river of history, we can see many brilliant individuals who have not get any special training or education at an early age but achieve great success though his/her own endeavor. For example, Edison, who is the most outstanding inventor in 19th century, did not got any special education and only got a three month formal education even worse, he was seem as an idiot from teacher's eyes. Whereas, via his own diligent and special talent in the field of invention, he made great contribution to the society and his name is deemed to be a symbol of an era.（我觉得例子是可以的，但是可以换一个说法，很多科学家小时候并没有被发掘出天赋，但是我们可以说他们没有天赋吗？一定要在很小的时候培养才能发展吗？相反，催化一种能力的提高是否有是合理呢？也许会拔苗助长）

In sum, although this issue will continue be discussed and haven’t got a final idea right now, what I assert is that these students should not be identified in such an early age. They need share a happy childhood just like their common companies and determine their destiny on their own.（我个人很赞同最后这句，个人的命运不应该是由别人决定的，这是剥夺了孩子们的权利！）
我是觉得抱这个观点的时候理论很重要，应该是一种有条件的否定。不能一概而论，否则给人觉得过于偏激，而且难以自圆其说。呵呵，你和我的观点几乎如出一辙阿，就是放的位置不一样。

楼主是限时的吗？？已经很不错了，，给自己信心，考前不要太紧张了，，虽然我和你一样觉得步履维艰。呜呜，，

我要去流浪，走尽人间路。。。

Where is the destination..............

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LSD
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13楼

发表于 2004-4-11 14:46:45 |只看该作者

谢谢bqjie的认真修改:p

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14楼

发表于 2004-4-11 15:29:54 |只看该作者

先赞一个，文章不错，是4分的水平～～～

最初由 LSD 发布
[B]syllabus:
1.开头：反对论点
2.过早的特殊教育会使儿童失去美好的童年，在他们长大成人后产生一些心理问题。
3.特殊教育的另一个弊端：他们所拥有天赋的学科并不一定就?.

以下省略...... [/B]

再泼点水，严格要求，issue还要往里面挖：看看你上面的提纲尤其是3和4，是不是有点像举反例？
Remember：写反对的时候，要明确的立自己的论！
建议
should类的题目按理由－后果－问题的方式展开：
1. 开头：反对论点
2. society不能identify孩子的talent（这是自己的观点），因为他们所拥有天赋的学科并不一定就是他们喜爱并且向从事的专业（这是很好的论据支持论点）
3. 早期教育的弊端后果（分论点）：过早的特殊教育会使儿童失去美好的童年，在他们长大成人后产生一些心理问题
4. 自己观点还存在的小问题（小让步）：人才（nature）还是要nurture的。
这是个人所喜：you are free to choose your original structure as well.
5. 结尾：再次点明主旨

Pushing up the limit,
Dance with GRE~~~
Enjoy our hard lives.
Bless！！！～～～
Always with smiles

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