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无敌浩克One
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2015-5-14 10:51:27 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由无敌浩克One 于 2015-6-10 17:17 编辑

5月份的作文贴

我的备考日记：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1815355-1-1.html
自认为还是比较靠谱的一名小伙伴
借此贴也想寻找一下互改小伙伴，主要目标是大家一起写相同的题目（题目范围我希望是写已经统计好的高频库哈，我挺应试的，想至少先写完高频作文，有时间再写其他的作文），写完提纲后可以互相讨论思路展开之类的骨架内容。

在此先深深感谢帮我改写提意见的版友了！

希望能和各位互勉共同进步。

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沙发

发表于 2015-5-14 10:53:16 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-5-14 22:18 编辑

60.
The following appeared in a letter from a firm providing investment advice for a client.

"Most homes in the northeastern United States, where winters are typically cold, have traditionally used oil as their major fuel for heating. Last heating season that region experienced 90 days with below-normal temperatures, and climate forecasters predict that this weather pattern will continue for several more years. Furthermore, many new homes are being built in the region in response to recent population growth. Because of these trends, we predict an increased demand for heating oil and recommend investment in Consolidated Industries, one of whose major business operations is the retail sale of home heating oil."

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.
-------------------

Conclusion: the demand for heating oil will increase and thus recommend investment in Consolidated Industries

Reason: ①Most homes in the northeastern United States, where winters are typically cold, have traditionally used oil as their major fuel for heating.
②Last heating season that region experienced 90 days with below-normal temperatures, and climate forecasters predict that this weather pattern will continue for several more years.
③many new homes are being built in the region in response to recent population growth.

Outline: the first underlined assumption is that most homes won’t change their custom of using oil to heat their homes. This author presents no detailed evidence to support this assumption. Technology enables citizens to use other material. Example.

The second assumption is that the cold winter pattern will continue for several years. A: the intrinsic character of weather forecast makes this assumption controversial. Example (weather report can make wrong about whether it will rain tomorrow, neither less to say in several more years.) B(acceded A): 90 days below-normal temperatures may not be a really long enough period of extremely cold weather. Example.

The third assumption is new homes under building will lead more citizens and thus more homes to be heated. However, new houses does not definitely increase the pupolation. A: the author does not mention the specific application of these houses. They can be used for holiday only. B: few people would like to buy these homes for fear of the cold weather. What’s more, it also assumes that people will continually use the same amount of oil. Technology can find more efficient way which won’t cost that much oil. Thermal technology.

specific application of these houses表达

2015.5.11 Revised version

The argument concludes that the demand for heating oil in Northeastern United States will increase in future based on two assumptions which are the long-lasting winter and the population growth resulted from new homes in the region. The author thus suggests investment in Consolidated Industries. After close scrutiny, the assumptions stated in the argument are untenable for the author to bring about such recommendation.

suggests investment- recommend
the assumptions stated in the argument are untenable 你去看看我的博客关于argument的讲解以及和老G的不同入门系列也有讲

The author states the traditional way of heating displays the first underlined assumption that is most homes won’t change their custom of using oil to heat their homes. Only under this assumption will the investment in an oil-making industry make sense. However, the author presents no detailed evidence to support this assumption. Citizens living in Northeastern area could have several reasons to change the material. As we all know, the emission of CO2 while burning oil is regarded universally as the contribution to global warming. Scientists all over the world have worked on finding alternative fuel for several years. If new technology enables citizens to use other material which is more environmental-friendly than oil, most likely, citizens would start using the alternative material, such as solar energy, air-conditioning, etc. Under this condition, investment on oil-making industry would become an unjustified decision.

The author states the traditional way of heating displays the first underlined assumption that is most homes won’t change their custom of using oil to heat their homes.严重语法问题请往https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1826774-1-2.html
air-conditioning为什么能和solar energy 并列
你前面扯全球变暖我觉得有点偏直接说他们可能用其他能源然后对heating oil需求会减少然后销量和价格都会下跌影响利润
后面这几点你都没讲感觉是舍本逐末啊
另外你不要老想着反驳
argument不是要驳倒对方而是指出需要检查什么assumption 你不要你上来就说人家的assumption不对要尽快摆脱老G思维

Besides, the author assumes that the cold winter pattern will continue for several years. This assumption is unpersuasive because of the intrinsic character of the weather forecaster. A weather report can only tell people the possibility of a kind of weather happening in the future. Unfortunately, the weather forecaster often makes mistake, for example, whether it will rain tomorrow. As a result, it would be hasty to believe in a weather forecaster which predicts the temperature in several more years. Furthermore, the author implicates that 90 days is a long period for winter which perhaps based on the fact that 90-day is one fourth of a year, whereas, the definition of cold weather is not scientific enough. The author only states that the 90 days temperatures were below-normal temperatures. What is normal temperature? Is it the average temperature calculated based on the statistics of the whole year? If so, the author should notice the fact that since the temperatures are higher in summer than winter, it is quite normal that during winter time, the region will experience with below-average temperatures. Moreover, the author does not mention the average duration of winter in that region. Maybe, it is quite common for a region in northern area to suffer a 90-day winter. For instance, Moscow’s winter starts from October and ends in April which lasts more than 180 days a year. Hence, this assumption is, again, not well-reasoned and unacceptable.

Furthermore, the author implicates that 90 days is a long period for winter which perhaps based on the fact that 90-day is one fourth of a year, whereas, the definition of cold weather is not scientific enough.这句话问题多多
What is normal temperature? Is it the average temperature calculated based on the statistics of the whole year? If so, the author should notice the fact that since the temperatures are higher in summer than winter, it is quite normal that during winter time, the region will experience with below-average temperatures.你竟然能扯到夏天
你竟然能扯到莫斯科

你这段废掉了

The third potential assumption is that new building homes will surely lead more citizens and thus more homes to be heated. However, the author does not mention the specific application of these houses. Considering that the weather is probably cool and comfortable in northern area, people would like to spend a cooler summer in this place. Let us take a look at the following representative instance. Many rich people living in Miami decide to spend their summer time in Alaska for the weather there is more moderate and pleasant. Consequently, the new houses can be used for holiday only. What’s more, it is entirely possible that few people would like to buy these homes for fear of the cold weather. Under both condition, the population that need to heat their homes in winter do not increase. On the other hand, the author also assumes that people will continually use the same amount of oil in the future which may not come true for more developed technology can make the oil burning in a more efficient way. Plus, new thermal technology can prevent too much heat loss.

你提到的房子用作度假也勉强算一个点但只能略提一下
首先一个基本的问题就是房子建了卖不卖的出去啊

In sum, the recommendation is not prudent enough for the assumptions are inflammatory and misleading. In order to make it logically convincing and acceptable, the writer should have proposed more luculent and persuasive reasons and excluded the effects of other factors that could have lessened the validity of his assumptions.

678 words, 50 mins
你写这么长干啥啊考场上只有30分钟你要限制自己25分钟内写完

这篇之前写过两遍，这次写是按照王老师的思路，重点关注了题目的具体要求来写的，因为没限时间，所以写的好多好长T_T还想请王老师指导一下考试的时候，文中哪些部分是可以删掉的。

自我评价句式多变方面目前根本没有能力做到，只是按我现有的水平写的，今后会在这方面再努力。

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板凳

发表于 2015-5-14 12:56:17 |只看该作者

Hmm 刚才在我的evernote里找到一篇我写过的这道题但是发现写得很烂决定今晚抽时间再写一下这道题好像在题库里重复了好几次
感觉比较有效的反馈argument的方法还是自己写一篇让版友自己对照着看
除非你愿意按照我博客289楼的要求来注明每段针对的原文

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地板

发表于 2015-5-14 13:55:44 |只看该作者

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-14 12:56
Hmm 刚才在我的evernote里找到一篇我写过的这道题但是发现写得很烂决定今晚抽时间再写一下这道题好像在 ...

额，一开始先写了结论和论据，编号了1、2、3，然后提纲和全文都是按顺序对应写的1、2、3段呀，还需要注明什么么？
Conclusion: the demand for heating oil will increase and thus recommend investment in Consolidated Industries

Reason: ①Most homes in the northeastern United States, where winters are typically cold, have traditionally used oil as their major fuel for heating.
②Last heating season that region experienced 90 days with below-normal temperatures, and climate forecasters predict that this weather pattern will continue for several more years.
③many new homes are being built in the region in response to recent population growth.

Outline: the first underlined assumption is that most homes won’t change their custom of using oil to heat their homes. This author presents no detailed evidence to support this assumption. Technology enables citizens to use other material. Example.

The second assumption is that the cold winter pattern will continue for several years. A: the intrinsic character of weather forecast makes this assumption controversial. Example (weather report can make wrong about whether it will rain tomorrow, neither less to say in several more years.) B(acceded A): 90 days below-normal temperatures may not be a really long enough period of extremely cold weather. Example.

The third assumption is new homes under building will lead more citizens and thus more homes to be heated. However, new houses does not definitely increase the pupolation. A: the author does not mention the specific application of these houses. They can be used for holiday only. B: few people would like to buy these homes for fear of the cold weather. What’s more, it also assumes that people will continually use the same amount of oil. Technology can find more efficient way which won’t cost that much oil. Thermal technology.

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5楼

发表于 2015-5-15 23:05:06 |只看该作者

我已点评你还继续练不？

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发表于 2015-5-16 10:17:24 |只看该作者

本帖最后由无敌浩克One 于 2015-5-16 10:21 编辑

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-15 23:05
我已点评你还继续练不？

感谢老师督促，我把错误的句子发到思过崖了，还想麻烦老师帮忙修改
我现在在重新研究您的教学贴，调整自己关于思路的问题，可能之前用的材料都是老G产物吧
还想请教一下：ETS的官方范文还可以用作参考吗？我手上的这版每道题连题目要求都没有，也不知道是不是老G的范文

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7楼

发表于 2015-6-10 17:22:59 |只看该作者

本帖最后由无敌浩克One 于 2015-6-10 17:26 编辑

argu 45

In this memorandum, the president draws a conclusion that Humana University should instituting online programs based on the fact that Omni University opened online programs which attracted considerable number of students and spent less money on the maintenance of educational facilities. After scrutinizing the reason given by the author in the argument, I notice that there are several questions needed to be answered in order to judge the recommendation.

Firstly, the author only mentions the increase in the number of students who joined the online degree programs of Omni University. Since the president put forward this recommendation in order to increase the total enrollment in Humana University instead of just increasing the number of online degree programs graduator, he/she should provide cogent evidence about the total enrollment of the last year in Omni University while they offering online programs. Moreover, the president needs to tell us whether there are other reasons for students to choose the online programs of Omni. Maybe Omni University locates in the suburb of the city which is inconvenient for students to go. Or perhaps, administers of Omni University invented some prestigious professors who could only lecture to students through the internet. As students were really longing to take classes from those professors, they choose to participate in the online education. If Humana simply imitates the form of online program education without paying attention to other factors, it is possible that the online programs offered by Humana will fail to attract enough students.

Additionally, the president should also think about other reasons that lead to the decrease in enrollment. Was it because the number of college-age students decreases in the past years? For example, due to the policy of birth control, the new born in China sharply decreased in 1980’s. Thus, the undergraduate student number declined in 2000’s as a response. If that were the case, initiating online programs would not help the total enrollment rises in Humana University.

Finally, the president states that the expenditure of maintaining buildings increased in the past three years while the total enrollment kept falling. It is reasonable to infer that the decline of enrollment has a tenuous influence on saving expenditure unless the president illustrates why Humana could solve its budget problems through reducing the number of on-campus students. Another question that is closely linked to the foregoing one needs to be answered as well, that is what are the reasons for Omni to save money on the expenditures for dormitory and classroom. Does it result from the introduction of some highly advanced management techniques? Which solution helps to cut down the expenditures more successful: online program or advanced management techniques? Until the author provides enough evidence to answer these questions, I have to suspend my judgment about the credibility of this argument.

In conclusion, in order to make this argument scientifically and prudently, the author needs to think more comprehensively starting from answering those questions.

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8楼

发表于 2015-6-11 01:21:43 |只看该作者

无敌浩克One 发表于 2015-6-10 17:22
argu 45

In this memorandum, the president draws a conclusion that Humana University should instit ...

－第一段中没有直接的将主旨提出，比如 we need answers about xxx,xxx,xxx问题；

－第二段中的观点我个人觉得都不是很合适。去年总的enrollment in Omni以及other reasons for choosing online programs in Omni即使回答了和主题也没有任何联系。其实，这里我觉得你应该是想探讨online programs 和 increase of enrollment以及decrease of expenditure之间的因果关系。也就是说whether there is some other factors that can contribute to increase and decrease. 比如你说的知名叫兽的例子或者校外的住宿更便宜；

－第三段的观点也不完整。我个人觉得问题应该是：we have to ask what cause the decrease number of enrollment in Humana University and increase of cost of maintaining buildings。这里最好不要出现具体的例子，比如中国，美帝之类的。

－其实你第四段的问题恰恰应该是第二段的观点。不过，提出一个问题就好了。剩下的那些，我觉得都是重复；

－这里可以问一下Omni大学的情况，如果Omni大学的实际情况和Humana不符的话，用它作为参考去为Humana做prediction可能就不准确。

文章总的来说我觉得还是缺少层次，我觉得你可能写着写着就偏了，或者可能开始没有想好。

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发表于 2015-6-13 11:32:53 |只看该作者

本帖最后由无敌浩克One 于 2015-6-13 11:43 编辑

sokiller 发表于 2015-6-11 01:21
－第一段中没有直接的将主旨提出，比如 we need answers about xxx,xxx,xxx问题；

－第二段中的观点我 ...

In this memorandum, the president recommends Humana University to initiate online programs in order to increase the total enrollment and decrease the expenditures based on the example of Omni University. After scrutinizing the reasons in the argument, I notice that there are several questions needed to be answered before I could make judicial evaluation.(时间有限来不及列，而且感觉自己表达匮乏，无法把三个问题浓缩的写在这里，求赐教）

Firstly, the president needs to tell us whether there are other possible factors contributing to the increase of online program applicants. Is it because the online programs have some distinctive advantages? For example, last year, Omni University invited a few prestigious professors who could only lecture to the local students through the internet. Considering the fact that it was a really precious opportunity to listen those professors’ classes, many students decided to join the online courses which led to the huge rise in number of students. Or perhaps, Omni increased the fee charged for living on campus last year and consequently resulted in the students’ preference for online courses. Without figuring these conditions/questions（用哪个词好呢） out, the decision of starting online programs in Humana University may not lead to the results as the president anticipating.

Additionally, it is also necessary for the president to answer the question about the performance of Omni’s total enrollment in the past few years for he/she hopes the decision will increase Humana’s total enrollment. If the part of increase of online-course applicants failed to offset the decrease of on-campus applicants in Omni, then the plan will not guarantee an increase in Humana’s enrollment. Meanwhile, the president had better not consider what could be the reasons for the decreasing in total enrollment? Is it possible that there were some negative elements in Humana which caused students’ unwillingness to choose to study here? What may happen if Humana eliminates these negative elements such as the lecturers in Humana failed to catch up the trend of academy？ Under such conditions, reforming Humana’s quality may be a better method.

Finally, the president should answer few questions to inform us a comprehensive explanation of the significant decline in expenditures in Omni. It is entirely possible that Omni introduced a highly advanced management technology to equip its dormitory and classroom space and thus saved an amount of money on cutting down the security expenditures. On the other hand, Omni may have strengthened the education of economy to its faculties and students. By doing so, Omni’s students and faculties started to turn off the light and air conditioning when everyone leaved the room. Until the president provides for the answers to the foregoing questions, it is hash and untenable to simply state that the decrease in expenditures is credited to the increase in online-program applicants, needless to say, promise the propitious outcome by copying the form of Omni.

In sum, I would suspend my judgment on this argument and suggests Humana University not to take the president’s advice before he/she answering all the relative questions.

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10楼

发表于 2015-6-14 10:44:17 |只看该作者

无敌浩克One 发表于 2015-6-13 11:32
In this memorandum, the president recommends Humana University to initiate online programs in orde ...

－我觉得LZ的层次感还是不好，而且后面两段看不出LZ想要挑战statement中的哪些观点。

－我建议LZ每段写一个论点：层次为：1、提出作者的assumption；2、提出自己的分论点；3、提出与作者的assumption相悖的可能性；4、提出这种可能性有可能导致的结果；5、（可选）回应自己的分论点；

－对于可能性，真的不用具体的提出问题或者解决方案，泛泛的点出即可，可以参考王老师的写法。

－主旨句的写法可以参考王老师范文，写得非常标准；

－文中有不少表达的问题，其实我自己的也不少啊，汗。。。。

加油！！

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11楼

发表于 2015-6-14 10:50:38 |只看该作者

sokiller 发表于 2015-6-14 10:44
－我觉得LZ的层次感还是不好，而且后面两段看不出LZ想要挑战statement中的哪些观点。

－我建议LZ每段 ...

哭晕T_T你是628吗？时间好紧张！！！！
PS弱弱的说一下，这道题是有什么问题可以提，我是按照你这个说的思路在写啊，蓝：作者要回答的问题，绿：分论点，即各种可能性；红：段落小结。是我表达的问题很严重吗
王老师的发言全都没了更哭晕
另外能不能随便指一两个我的表达的问题啊？我自己完全找不出来T_T不知从何下手
总之就是哭晕

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12楼

发表于 2015-6-17 20:12:07 |只看该作者

无敌浩克One 发表于 2015-6-14 10:50
哭晕T_T你是628吗？时间好紧张！！！！
PS弱弱的说一下，这道题是有什么问题可以提，我是按照你这个说的 ...

negative elements是？？that make students unwilling to choose....

我觉得你第一个分论点还可以只是你的例子太具体了泛泛的提出可能性即可了；

2、3分论点都是提出了可能，但是没有说这种可能性会产生怎样的后果that contrasts to president's assumption；

第3分论点的例子也是过于具体了；最好增加些前后的逻辑连词，比如 maybe XXXX if it is so XXXX 这样文章会更清晰；

我觉得一定要第一时间让rater看懂这篇文章所以越直白越直接的切入主题很重要我估计rater不太会有耐心看2两遍

王老师的架构挺好的：首先提出author的论据（也就是你要质疑的点）然后是自己的论点紧跟着时可能性以及所能产生的相悖结果最后可以呼应一下自己论点；

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