[i习作temp] 假期备考GRE：issue 2求批改，非常感谢！ [复制链接]

Mia烤G
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电梯直达

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发表于 2016-8-15 22:21:46 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

题目：To understand the most important characteristics of a society,one must study its major cities.

A good way for learning a society is studying its major cities because the roles played by major cities as center of a country lead to their representativeness.Major cities,as the financial,cultural and political center of a society,what they possess are not only the best resources in a society,but also the priceless cultural heritages produced by different generations of people.During exploration of these cities,we can get an insight in the most significent characteristics of a society.However,studying major cities is neither the only way nor the best way for understanding the most important characteristics of a society.Sometimes what we learn from major cities may not be the real look of the society.

Due to their important roles in a society,major cities always enjoy better materials than that in other formal cities.Like Beijing and Shanghai in China,these two cities represent the developing China which is the first choice for both the Chinese people to expand career path and foreigners to touch the most advanced part of China.But can these two cities represent China?Is people’s life in Beijing same as most of the Chinese all around the country?Think about the people living in countryside of China,for whom the life in Beijing seems like another total different world .But the reality is that the shabby world they live in is also a part of our society as important as that of major citie.

A society is a mixture of peple and public resources.The most important characteristics of one society are correlated with the coordination among people and public resources. Major cities show the most beautiful side of a society,in which a group of elites keep a balanced coordination with the most advanced materials of the country,but this is just a small part of the society.In China,the major part of people are now leading a life in middle-level some of which even cannot get rid of poverty.Judging Chinese society by major cities of which many aspects are getting closed to that of developed countries will definitely get wrong answer without seeing the general part of the society.

Furthermore,which characteristics of one society is the most important depends on which side you choose to look from and which period this society is in.For example,when you put emphasis on humanities when juging a society,then it will be better to study some small cities where people lead peaceful life with than living in major cities where people tends to be indifferent towards life under heavy life burden.It is our rights to choose different cities for understanding the most important characteristic of a society.

In the global world,people will find that different societies looks similar if you study their major cities for understanding characteristics of the society,because major cities in different cities are communicating with each other and sharing resources frequently.So in order to learn the most important characteristic of a society,major cities are no longer the only choice,while some middle cities with the most typical social members might give you a clearer viewing.

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freeyangwin
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沙发

发表于 2016-9-13 14:02:22 |只看该作者

个人意见哈，楼主随便参考一下就好，不喜勿喷lol
In this passage, you successfully brought out a clear position while also addressing how the statement might not hold true (During exploration of these cities, we can get an insight ... characteristics of a society). By arguing that mega cities like Beijing cannot represent the overall picture of china, you also cogently support your positions with relevant example. Effective transitions used (Due to, Furthermore, for example, etc...) in this passage make ideas flow well. You clearly demonstrate sufficient control of standard written English. However, paragraphs II and III actually present only one reason why major cities cannot completely reflect a society. Paragraph IV started an argument, but the reasoning stops at superficial level (i.e. why life in major cities cannot support humanity study? how your example relate to your conclusion that "it is our right to choose ... of a society"?). In addition, certain syntaxes and vocabularies preclude you from clearly convey meanings (i.e. "Judging Chinese society by major cities ... without seeing the general part of the society", or "in which a group of elites keep a balanced condition with the most advanced materials). Therefore, this response, from my point of view, will most likely earn a score of 3.5.

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xixiong
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板凳

发表于 2016-10-18 04:35:00 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 xixiong 于 2016-10-18 05:05 编辑

本人薄见，仅供参考。

Overall, I think it is a good essay. The structure is clear and your vocabulary proves sufficient. Each point you make are pertinent to the question and examples given are relatively on point. However there may be a few think I want to point out.

1. please use a space after punctuation. Eg. ... society. However, studying... NOT society.However,studying
I know this seems minor, but it will largely obstruct readers flow and may negatively influence your score for an unnecessary mistake.

2. A couple places need more elaboration.

Eg. "But can these two cities represent China?Is people’s life in Beijing same as most of the Chinese all around the country?Think about the people living in countryside of China,for whom the life in Beijing seems like another total different world ."

I know you want to prove that people who does not live in Shanghai and Beijing are living a much complicated or even abased situation, but you did not say so. All you said was "think about the people living in countryside of China,for whom the life in Beijing seems like another total different world ." Remember ETS graders may know NOTHING about China, let alone the difference between Shanghai/Beijing and countryside. You need to EXPRESS the difference instead of IMPLYING the difference. And btw, "shabby" is a very strong and pejorative word. You may want to change to something of neutral emotion.

3. In your third point, you seem to want to show that the judgment of major city is subjective to different perspective, but your example only explained one side of it. You only said "when you put emphasis on humanities when juging a society,then it will be better to study some small cities..." To prove your point, you need to say something like when you emphasis on fast-paced life, it will be better to study some major cities.

I would give 4/6. (Just my own opinion)

Good job and good luck!

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