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wondermaker
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电梯直达

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发表于 2003-12-13 22:50:05 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

“Humanity has made little real progress over past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity.”

Imagine yourself a hero in O. Henry’s novel, harassed by the inconvenience of living, suffering a freezing coldness, a starvation for lack of food, while concealed in a dark, dank, and damned apartment in New York, unfortunately, deep in debt. It would certainly be a great surprise of O. Henry to see the great changes happening just within one hundred years. An air-conditioned room never cold, genetically modified food of great amount and an adorned, ample, and agreeable mansion is available. The past century has greatly changed the form and content of our life by new discovery and the use of high-technology. With more effective machines applying artificial intelligence and more powerful computers, we are able to get rid of the manacles of inconvenience and the heavy burden of life. Thus, we should say that technology has successfully changed our life in all aspects.
Although technology won the battle with our past old-styled life, he failed to turn condition of humanity into a better one. We can not turn our eyes from the military conflicts happing every day, costing thousands of lives and a great loss; we can not pay no attention to the poverty prevailing in Africa where lots of children have no chance of being educated and many are starving to death; we can not be a recluse without knowing the high-rising criminal rate that upsets honest people.
Lincoln, Martin Luther King and those fighters who devoted their whole life to the emancipation of human and the amelioration of the humanity’s conditions would be rather disappointed when they confronted these realities, but few of them would possibly have a negative comment at the role of the technology, because technology, although a powerful and effective tool to better our life, have no genius related to the mysterious and capricious humanity.
399B.C., Socrates was executed with the saying “Know thyself” left, in the 21st century, after two thousand years of contemplating and discussing, an agreed definition of the humanity is still out of reach, however, since Plato set up the first school in Europe and Confucius in China, since the Isaiah carried Jewish prophecy to its sublimest levels, and since Buddha taught his disciples in India, the conditions of humanity has been improving continuously through a system of education. Religion, Literature, arts, ethnics and other products of human intelligence served as sages, refining our humanity; accordingly it is education rather than technology responsible to make humanity a better home.
Thousands of years ago, our fathers brought forth in this savage land a new world, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. As time goes by, the people before us, with gloom and glory, pains and pay, lament and laughter, freed us from the barbaric nomadic life, give us a rich and safe family. Thanks to the technology, we hold prosperity, owing to the education; we are no longer feared by the insecurity all the time. Although there is skepticism about humanity, I won’t give up the hope that we could live in a high-civilized Republic in the near future.

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fortitudesag
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沙发

发表于 2003-12-14 19:39:26 |只看该作者

受人滴水之恩当以涌泉相报。

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imong
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板凳

发表于 2003-12-19 17:04:43 |只看该作者

we cannot pay no attention 很别扭

ethic ethnic 是不是用混了？

语言上有一些小错误，总体行文用词都比较华丽，也不乏精彩之笔。

不过我觉得几乎没有逻辑论证的样子？这一点让我很拿不定主意，却是最为关键的地方。也希望看看大家的意见。

Rien de réel ne peut être menacé.
Rien d'irréel n'existe.

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roy_weng
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地板

发表于 2003-12-20 00:53:00 |只看该作者

例子很丰富啊，完全没有那种所谓格式的限制，的确很有启发！

No matter how far it is,i will go the distance.

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木耳
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5楼

发表于 2004-1-3 22:48:19 |只看该作者

Imagine yourself a hero in O. Henry’s novel, harassed by the inconvenience of living, suffering a freezing coldness, a starvation for lack of food, while concealed in a dark, dank, and damned apartment in New York, unfortunately, deep in debt. It would certainly be a great surprise of O. Henry to see the great changes happening just within one hundred years. An air-conditioned room never cold, genetically modified food of great amount and an adorned, ample, and agreeable mansion is available. The past century has greatly changed the form and content of our life by new discovery and the use of high-technology. With more effective machines applying artificial intelligence and more powerful computers, we are able to get rid of the manacles of inconvenience and the heavy burden of life. Thus, we should say that technology has successfully changed our life in all aspects.

什么是humanity?怎么样才算一种humanity意义上或者说层面上的进步？是科技进步，我们的生活水平提高了就算再humanity上取得了进步？抑或是With more effective machines…就可以说successfully changed our life in all aspects？这是值得商榷的第一点。

第二点，那个a hero in O. Henry’s novel的例子是否恰当或者说必要？你的意思是要做一个对比，是一种在物质层面上的绝对意义的对比。这里问题就出来了：harassed by the inconvenience of living…是一种绝对的现象？还是一种在任何时代都可能发生的相对的现象？难道你可以说在当代有了如此这样的先进设备和高科技，就不会有人忍受冻挨饿？就没有deep in debt？harassed by the inconvenience of living？欧亨利的小说，英雄，处于一种内外交困的境地…这种种的特殊限定本身就为你比较的缺乏客观性埋下了伏笔。

开头确实新颖，语言也可称得上流畅优美。

Although technology won the battle with our past old-styled life, he（it） failed to turn condition of humanity into a better one. We can not turn our eyes from the military conflicts happing every day,（从句好一点？） costing thousands of lives and a great loss; we can not pay no attention to the poverty prevailing in Africa where lots of children have no chance of being educated and（even） many are starving to death; we can not be a recluse without knowing the high-rising criminal rate that upsets honest people.

是否矛盾？前一段说echnology has successfully changed our life in all aspects，二者一段又转而说failed to turn condition of humanity into a better one。不管你的本意如何，这样写是缺乏客观性甚至是矛盾的。

Lincoln, Martin Luther King and those fighters who devoted their whole life to the emancipation of human and the amelioration of the humanity’s conditions would be rather disappointed when they confronted these realities, but few of them would possibly have a negative comment at the role of the technology, because technology, although a powerful and effective tool to better our life, have no genius related to the mysterious and capricious humanity.

failed to turn condition of humanity into a better one是因为have no genius related to the mysterious and capricious humanity.这是你的逻辑吧？可是为什么呢？

我一向的主张是对每一个论点一定要给出合适的论据。但你好像没有，逻辑的推理也没有。

399B.C., Socrates was executed with the saying “Know thyself” left, in the 21st century, after two thousand years of contemplating and discussing, an agreed definition of the humanity is still out of reach, however, since Plato set up the first school in Europe and Confucius in China, since the Isaiah carried Jewish prophecy to its sublimest levels, and since Buddha taught his disciples in India, the conditions of humanity has been improving continuously through a system of education. Religion, Literature, arts, ethnics and other products of human intelligence served as sages, refining our humanity; accordingly it is education rather than technology responsible to make humanity a better home.

一系列的先哲对教育的贡献或是先贤的传教—〉the conditions of humanity has been improving continuously through a system of education。
同样在开头你也这样说：科学技术的迅猛发展—〉 we are able to get rid of the manacles of inconvenience and the heavy burden of life。

可我觉得你是在自说自话。两者之间缺乏必要的连接桥梁或者说媒介，逻辑上出现了断层。这一段看上去有很多脍炙人口的或者鲜为人知的例子，但这些例子是否真的证明了你的论点it is education rather than technology responsible to make humanity a better home？还是一种偷梁换柱？

Thousands of years ago, our fathers brought forth in this savage land a new world, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. （有股宗教的味道）As time goes by, the people before us, with gloom and glory, pains and pay, lament and laughter, freed us from the barbaric nomadic life, give us a rich and safe family. Thanks to the technology, we hold prosperity, owing to the education; we are no longer feared by the insecurity all the time.（insecurity?） Although there is skepticism about humanity, I won’t give up the hope that we could live in a high-civilized Republic in the near future.

让我来再总结一下你的思路：
1 飞速发展的科技改变了我们的生活—〉2 但科技并没有改变humanity—〉3 因为科技和he mysterious and capricious humanity没有关系—〉4 是教育而不是科技带来了humanity的进步 –〉5 有鉴于史，我相信我们会生活在一个更文明的社会

整体的逻辑式很清晰，但细看每一段，却有不少的问题。
1 似乎单方面的从life中刨除了humanity的部分
2 说实话2，3，4段没有合适的论据，论证不充分
3 没有说明中心词humanity的含义。哪怕还没有明确的定义，也要通过例子给读者一个感性的认识。比如说本世纪初的妇女参政权，工业革命后大众教育的兴起我觉得就都是humanity的进步。
其他问题在文中已经指出了。

你的文笔是真的非常好，从你所引用的论据也可以看出你的知识面很丰富。但论据的问题一定要注意。

继续加油啊，你的文采是大家的榜样

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