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[经典批改讨论] issue88 目前已经成为作文版历史性纪录的超火爆讨论... [复制链接]

so猫
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2004-1-19 01:30:46 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

各位GGJJ 偶又写了一篇新的在另外一个小贴上大家踊跃去拍啊~~~~谢谢~~~

和sunshine讨论了两天也去看了看feier的帖子
和各位的建议
但是写起来还是~~~ :(
和我纸上谈兵时的夸夸其辞比
有点丢人 :o

issue 88

"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."

Taking a brief glance at history of human existence, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion that technology, defined as the application of science and knowledge, has played an important role in bringing transformation and improvement to society. Moreover, I agree with the above saying in the topic that technology should be regarded as a determinative factor which not only influence but also, and more importantly, determine the social custom and ethics.

Generally speaking, it is the trends of social perspective that technology exercises enormous influence on the custom and ethics of mankind. Before the Industrial Revolutionary occurring in Britain in the eighteenth century, women were not allowed to work or study outside their houses apart from some comparatively enlightened places; yet waves of women went into spinneries to work as cotton spinner in the late decade of that century after the jenny were universally ultimate in the factory around Europe. Due to the development and betterment of the equipment, in the early twenties, the difference of working effectiveness between a man and a woman could be ignored, causing feminism campaign all over the world for sexual equality and personality liberation as well as the traditional attitude toward women. Nowadays in this nation, women rushing for offices can be seen everywhere without surprising and discrimination, the scene of which is very different from that of the early last century we could imagine.

However, question can be raised why it is believed that the technology rather than the human beings themselves determine the social custom and ethics. Admittedly, in a short period, the intension of individuals and the needs of the social customs, can determine the trends technology will follow. Considering the long eras human history covers, it is the technology that guarantees the basic condition for surviving, offer an opportunity to mankind to develop human society, and form variable custom and ethics according to the complicated geographical position and uneven levels of technology. Without technology of navigation, most nations at present might still hold the belief that they were the center in the universe; of industry, millions of women might never ever get the chance to see the scene out of limited sight from their window; of commerce, the concept of global village and the consciousness of racial quality might never exist. One specialist on social science has given a proper comment on the function of technology in society: "Technology, has determined the social system and human ideology in the past time, and it will do in the future."

As mentioned in the last paragraph, social custom and ethics greatly influence the development of technology, or even sometimes restrict further technological research and experiments. Human cloning, for instance, is legally abandoned in many countries due to the discordance with the ethnics. Still, the concepts of human cloning as well as the experiments on animals challenge with the traditional social perspectives which assert that nature law can be impossibly changed. Furthermore, no one can tell whether in the future, human cloning will become legal, since the technology of tube pregnancy when first contrived was considered illegal while being accepted by almost all the nations today.

In conclusion, technology can be metaphorized as a flowing river, while the social custom and ethics as the banks, on which preserves human civilization and cultures. Although banks are seemed to control the direction to which the flow is headed, the river has made them first.

请大家一定往死里批~~~~~~

True love never runs smooth.

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midamida
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沙发

发表于 2004-1-19 08:24:55 |只看该作者

Re: issue88终于写完了~大家来拍啊~~~

最初由 so猫发布
[B]Taking a brief glance at history of human existence, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion that technology, defined as the application of science and knowledge, has played an important role in bringing transformation and improvement to society. Moreover, I agree with the above saying in the topic that technology should be regarded as a determinative factor which not only influence but also, and more importantly, determine the the social custom and ethics.这个跳跃的有点大吧,比如说我能作用于一个大的事物,但不能说我能作用于其中的一个方面,所以我觉得有个过度才好.
道德道德道德
我想到的例子也是clone的,还有没有什么好例子呀[/B]

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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lq8186
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板凳

发表于 2004-1-19 11:14:45 |只看该作者

希望大家互相修改，共同进步：）

issue 88

"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."

Taking a brief glance at history of human existence, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion that technology, defined as the application of science and knowledge, has played an important role in bringing transformation and improvement to society. Moreover, I agree with the above saying in the topic that technology should be regarded as a determinative factor which not only influence but also, and more importantly, determine the social custom and ethics.

Generally speaking, it is the trends of social perspective that technology exercises enormous influence on the custom and ethics of mankind. Before the Industrial Revolutionary occurring in Britain in the eighteenth century, women were not allowed to work or study outside their houses apart from some comparatively enlightened places; yet waves of women went into spinneries to work as cotton spinner in the late decade of that century after the jenny were universally ultimate in the factory around Europe. Due to the development and betterment(这个词betterment用得好，向你学习) of the equipment, in the early twenties, the difference of working effectiveness between a man and a woman could be ignored, causing feminism campaign all over the world for sexual equality and personality liberation as well as the traditional attitude toward women（这里traditional attitude···有问题，和前面的campaign for 接不上）. Nowadays in this nation, women rushing for offices can be seen everywhere without surprising and discrimination, the scene of which is very different from that of the early last century we could imagine.

However, question can be raised why it is believed that the technology rather than the human beings themselves determine the social custom(s) and ethics.（感觉还是不要提这个问题的好，因为后面并没有完全解决到底是不是human 决不决定customs的问题） Admittedly, in a short period, the intension of individuals and the needs of the social customs, can determine the trends technology will follow.（加个however，要不然，前后转折不明显，至少我看了半天） Considering the long eras human history covers, it is the technology that guarantees the basic condition for surviving, offer(s) an opportunity to mankind to develop human society, and form variable custom(s) and ethics according to the complicated geographical position and uneven levels of technology. Without technology of navigation, most nations at present might still hold the belief that they were the center in the universe; of industry, millions of women might never ever get the chance to see the scene out of limited sight from their window; of commerce, the concept of global village and the consciousness of racial quality might never exist.（从without开始，这几个例子好像与customs没有关系吧） One specialist on social science has given a proper comment on the function of technology in society: "Technology, has determined the social system and human ideology in the past time, and it will do in the future."

As mentioned in the last paragraph, social custom(s) and ethics greatly influence the development of technology, or even sometimes restrict further technological research(es) and experiments. Human cloning, for instance, is legally abandoned in many countries due to the discordance with the ethnics. Still, the concepts of human cloning as well as the experiments on animals challenge with the traditional social perspectives which assert that nature law can be impossibly changed. Furthermore, no one can tell whether in the future, human cloning will become legal, since the technology of tube pregnancy when first contrived was considered illegal while being accepted by almost all the nations today.

In conclusion, technology can be metaphorized as a flowing river, while the social custom and ethics as the banks, on which preserves human civilization and cultures. Although banks are seemed to control the direction to which the flow is headed, the river has made them first.(好深奥！！既然说custom<bank>不能control technology,那为什么又在倒数第二段说custom 影响technology，并且没有保留的说。是不是矛盾？)

请大家一定往死里批~~~~~~

文章开头论点说technology的决定作用，
又说而后面提到human对technology的影响,之后转仍然证明technology的决定作用，其中对于human对technology的影响的否定不太清晰
最后又说custom对technology的影响,好像与中心technology的决定作用相悖阿！！

以上只是我的一点看法。
希望大家互相修改，共同进步：）

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地板

发表于 2004-1-19 11:46:57 |只看该作者

Taking a brief glance at history of human existence, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion that technology, defined as the application of science and knowledge, has played an important role in bringing transformation and improvement to society. Moreover, I agree with the above saying in the topic that technology should be regarded as a determinative factor which not only influence but also, and more importantly, determine the social custom and ethics.

Generally speaking, it is the trends(为什么用复数，给个理由) of social perspective that technology exercises enormous influence on the custom and ethics of mankind. Before the Industrial Revolutionary occurring in Britain in the eighteenth century, women were not allowed to work or study outside their houses apart from some comparatively enlightened places; yet waves of women went into spinneries to work(这两个词去掉) as cotton spinner in the late decade of that century after the jenny were universally ultimate(这个词我查过金山词霸，每看见当表语的情况，你见过？) in the factory around Europe. Due to the development and betterment(这两个词有什么区别？如果你觉得一样的话省略好了) of the equipment, in the early twenties, the difference of working effectiveness between a man and a woman could be(太绝对了，现在还不能实现呢，加上in great measurement好点，显得逻辑完整) ignored, causing(这个动词的主语是谁，如果不是主句主语，那可就是错误用法了，如果是的话，意思可就反了) feminism campaign all over the world for sexual equality and personality liberation as well as the traditional attitude toward women(并列部分的第三个与前两个相反，你可是用的as well as). Nowadays in this nation, women rushing for offices can be seen everywhere without surprising and discrimination(形容词怎和名词并列，还要注意surprising 和 surprised 不同啊，这里用那一个？), the scene of which is very different from that of the early last century we could imagine(过去的情况用imagine不好吧，imagine多用于将来).例子举了不少，也很好，可是你忘了举例子是要干什么！支持原论点啊！一些不该省略的大家都公认的assumption，显得coherence不强。适当的作一些summary，用imong的coherence文章的方法，使自己的论证强起来，可不要有理说不出啊！

However, question can be raised why it is believed that the technology rather than the human beings themselves determine the social custom and ethics. (后面这个词太弱，一般用于说自己的缺陷，不适合提出本段的TS，建议换)Admittedly, in a short period, the intension of individuals and the needs of the social customs, can determine the trends technology will follow. Considering the long eras(为什么复数，理由？) human history covers, it is the technology that guarantees the basic condition for surviving, offer(前面的那个可是三单，后面的那个倒是和这个相同，但是两个都与主语不配) an opportunity to mankind to develop human society(提供人类发展人类社会的机会，什么话，至少不是中国和美国话，别的我没学过), and form variable custom and ethics according to the complicated geographical position and uneven levels of technology(form的主语是谁，写到这你是不是忘了，和according to后面的内容不相融). Without technology of navigation, (用个for instance好点，显得coherence，)most nations at present might still hold the belief that they were(过去式？为什么？) the center in the universe; of industry, millions of women might never ever(这两个词一起用，我没见过) get the chance to see the scene out of limited sight from their window; of commerce, the concept of global village and the consciousness of racial quality might never exist. One specialist on social science has given a proper comment on the function of technology in society: "Technology, (为什么用逗号，has好象是原配的谓语)has determined the social system and human ideology in the past time, and it will do in the future."

As mentioned in the last(last是指最后一段吗，如果指前一段用earlier 或 above好不？) paragraph, social custom and ethics greatly influence the development of technology, or even sometimes restrict further technological research and experiments. Human cloning, for instance, is legally abandoned in many countries due to the discordance with the ethnics. Still, the concepts of human cloning as well as the experiments on animals challenge with the traditional social perspectives which assert that nature law can be impossibly changed. （challenge好象是restrict的后果，不象是原因。）Furthermore, no one can tell whether in the future, human cloning will become legal, since the technology of tube pregnancy when first contrived was considered illegal while being accepted by almost all the nations today. 后一个例子我看你都不能肯定，怎么好用来支持论点，另外restrict有问题。

In conclusion, technology can be metaphorized as a flowing river, while the social custom and ethics as the banks, on which preserves human civilization and cultures(是倒装吗？如果是，preserve好象这里当及物动词用，缺宾语；如果不是，主语在哪？). Although banks are seemed to control the direction to which the flow is headed, the river has made them first.太深奥了，我没看懂这个analogy的相似点。解释一下给我，方便的话。

总体结构：restrict 和determine 不是一码事，至少在你的文章中不能等同。伦理问题争议那么大，你怎么能抱完全赞同的观点，虽说创新是当前的时尚，那也得有冲着真理的总方向啊！适当让步也是英雄啊！
每段的论证：前天imong的coherence那篇文章我认为你可以好好认真学习以下，对你的这篇文章很有针对性。
语言方面：还算流畅，但有一些小错误，我标出来了。
优点：开头段简洁，结尾运用形象的比喻，显得语言掌握很好。

我可是用7分的标准给你改的，啊！好过瘾！不好意思！小mm不要哭噢！不要去imong那儿告状噢！
你是上周排行榜的第二名，公开表扬，继续努力！

受人滴水之恩当以涌泉相报。

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so猫
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5楼

发表于 2004-1-19 13:02:43 |只看该作者

不会不会
呵呵我这个人的观点总是~本来就很那个什么~~~
不过可能是偶真的太小了 HOHO~~~~~~

however
偶还是坚持偶自己的观点
就是科技决定一切~~~
觉得自己有点科学疯子frankenstein的感觉~~~~~~
呵呵

谢谢楼上所有的人
偶 :D 还来不及的说~~~~~~~~

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so猫
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6楼

发表于 2004-1-19 13:38:33 |只看该作者

接下来逐一向各位提问~~~~

最初由 l-sunshine 发布
[B]Para1.例子有问题呀！据我所知，是因为战争消耗了绝大部分劳动力（就是男的死了太多），社会（更确切地说应该是家庭）要求女子出来工作养家糊口。不是因为科技进步吧？！（《飘》就是以这个为背景的）. 然后，妇女认识到她们跟男的有相同的能力差，应该赋予同等的权利和待遇。才掀起了妇女解放运动。(思嘉就很会赚钱而且享受到了竞争的乐趣，所以她不甘心缩在家庭的羽翼下，屡屡挑战南方社会的传统和惯例)

para2. ts: Considering the long eras human history covers, it is the technology that guarantees the basic condition for surviving.也很有问题的说，lq8186说的对我就不复述了。

Para3.你提到文化对科技的约束.但有没有想到，科技是为人服务的呢？如果克隆真的，抑或只有可能，带来灾难。还是少碰为妙---这也是当今政界，学术界的主流看法。你要反驳这个观点，恐怕得高高段才行。
[/B]

第一点我说的是欧洲大陆在18世纪工业革命的时候, 在美国事实上南北战争发生在1861到1865之间也就是19世纪那个时候女人在棉纺业的工作地位已经成为定局而且鉴于美国和英国以及欧洲大陆本身的状况不同(美国以前是"蛮夷"之地) 事实上在当年美国 generally speaking 大部分的MM和婆婆们只不过人家是黑MM 都是要工作的说哦~~~~所以如果单纯用战争来解释好象说不通哦
另外妇女解放运动事实上是兴起于19世纪末和20世纪初也不是sunshine说的飘的时代哦而且女生为什么可以意识到她们同样有能力有权利去争取平等的地位和福利就是因为科技的发展使得天生女生体力上的嬴弱不再是制约女生发挥才能的工具(因为说实话掌握经济控制权的人才可以掌握社会的主导地位我认为哦)
呵呵因为so猫自己超级喜欢飘的说所以呵呵那段历史学的特别清楚的说哦

第二点我还没有看完等一下 :o

第三点我的确是认为科技是为人服务的但这是短时间内的看法从长远看来说实话我真的认为那个(不要打我) 科技的发展势头人为是根本控制不了的就说关于克隆我以前打算念生物的时候自己看了很多这方面的书事实上现在虽然几乎所有的国家和政府都是严厉禁止克隆的但这项工作仍然在继续的进行中而且一旦它技术成熟到一定阶段的时候很多科学家都预言说它改变人类的生活这一定势是不可改变的~~~人类也会被迫接受这个事实~~~不知道sunshine以前看过一篇科幻叫做天道没有呵呵我觉得我受这个影响很深其实人原来一直都认为违反天道(这个词我翻成的是nature law 但我不知道怎么样可以翻译的更好) 是邪恶的会招致上帝报复的可是现在还不是N多人买转基因的食物和人造的黄油转基因现在因为技术的不成熟导致很多问题所以还处在开发观望中而人造黄油现在还不是N多人吃的HAPPY的半死~~~~

好啦期待和sunshineJJ(我有理由相信你比我大 ;) ) 继续探讨下去
好好玩哦~~~

呵呵我发现我真的是科学怪人~~~~~~

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7楼

发表于 2004-1-19 13:48:39 |只看该作者

轮到提问midamida罗~~

最初由 midamida 发布
[B][QUOTE最初由 so猫发布
Taking a brief glance at history of human existence, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion that technology, defined as the application of science and knowledge, has played an important role in bringing transformation and improvement to society. Moreover, I agree with the above saying in the topic that technology should be regarded as a determinative factor which not only influence but also, and more importantly, determine the the social custom and ethics.这个跳跃的有点大吧,比如说我能作用于一个大的事物,但不能说我能作用于其中的一个方面,所以我觉得有个过度才好.
道德道德道德
我想到的例子也是clone的,还有没有什么好例子呀[/B]

来回引用的有点头晕了的说~~ :(
恩关于跳跃的说法有道理~~~
至于ethics 我查过字典其实没有我们想的那么深奥要是深奥成一门学科就是ethnics啦呵呵
科学界应该有很多这样的例子呀比如我还说的最早的试管婴儿后来的转基因食品(以后也难说是不是就只有食品) 还有医学里面的新药开发时的人体实验和动物实验物理学里面的核物质的研究和使用还有偶们化学里面的改变天然物质的结构(以前这被视做天理不容的哦) 呵呵暂时就只能想到这么多啦~~~~
midamida凑合用吧~~~~~

好啦两篇长的回来再仔细研究偶出去玩了的说~~~
再次谢谢楼上除了我自己的所有的人~~~~~~~ :D

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8楼

发表于 2004-1-19 17:17:25 |只看该作者

"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."

Taking a brief glance at (the?) history of human existence, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion that technology, defined as the application of science and knowledge, has played an important role in bringing transformation and improvement to society. Moreover, I agree with the above saying in the topic(怎么看着这个句子都不舒服，罗嗦) that technology should be regarded as a determinative factor which not only influence but also, and more importantly（是WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANTLY 还是用AND？）, determine the social custom and ethics.

Generally speaking, it is the trends （？是复数吗？）of social perspective that technology exercises（如果没有理解错的话，你这里是 EXAERCISE。。。INFLUENCE ON STH。吧，没有见过这个搭配，请教？） enormous influence on the custom and ethics of mankind. Before the Industrial Revolutionary occurring in Britain in the eighteenth century, women were not allowed to work or study outside their houses apart from some comparatively enlightened places（这个限制不错）; yet waves of women went into spinneries to work as cotton spinner in the late decade of that century after the jenny were universally ultimate（？这个用法对吗？） in the factory around Europe. Due to the development and betterment of the equipment, in the early twenties, the difference of working effectiveness between a man and a woman could be ignored,（现在在某种意义上男女区别还是很大的吧？不支持这样写，加个限制） causing feminism campaign all over the world for sexual equality and personality liberation as well as the traditional attitude toward women. Nowadays in this nation, women rushing for offices can be seen everywhere without surprising and discrimination,(chinglish!) the scene of which is very different from that of the early last century we could imagine.(罗嗦)（关于例子的问题，你们前面写了很多我就不说了，不过不知道是我没理解好还是你的叙述不清楚，汗ING）

However, question can be raised why it is believed that the technology rather than the human beings themselves determine the social custom and ethics. Admittedly, in a short period, the intension of individuals and the needs of the social customs,(为什么要这个标点？) can determine the trends technology will follow. Considering the long eras human history covers（EARS 。。。COVERS？这个错误不该犯吧！）, it is the technology that guarantees the basic condition for surviving, offer（？注意主语）an opportunity to mankind to develop human society, and form variable custom and ethics according to the complicated geographical position and uneven levels of technology（这个句子已经乱了）. Without technology of navigation, most nations at present might still hold the belief that they were the center in the universe（？这个是怎么推出来的？）; of industry, millions of women might never ever get the chance to see the scene out of limited sight from their window（？看电视就可以了吧？和工业有关吗）; of commerce, the concept of global village and the consciousness of racial quality might never exist. One specialist on social science has given a proper comment on the function of technology in society: "Technology,（这个标点又是在干什么？） has determined the social system and human ideology in the past time, and it will do in the future."

As mentioned in the last paragraph, social custom and ethics greatly influence the development of technology, or even sometimes restrict further technological research and experiments. Human cloning, for instance, is legally abandoned in many countries due to the discordance with the ethnics. Still, the concepts of human cloning as well as the experiments on animals challenge with the traditional social perspectives which assert that nature law can be impossibly changed. Furthermore, no one can tell whether in the future, human cloning will become legal, since the technology of tube pregnancy when first contrived was considered illegal while being accepted by almost all the nations today.

In conclusion, technology can be metaphorized as a flowing river, while the social custom and ethics as the banks, on which preserves human civilization and cultures. Although banks are seemed to control the direction to which the flow is headed, the river has made them first.

SO猫，看得出你很喜欢写长句，不过在没有把握的情况下，慎用啊。
不知道你是习惯还是故意的，几乎每段开头都是IT IS。。。。强调句型，换换吧。:)
改的人多，我就只看了前面一点。呵呵。
+U+U

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9楼

发表于 2004-1-19 18:40:30 |只看该作者

哎呀呀，大家掐so猫掐得这么开心啊，已经有5个人上场了（中间还包括两个斑竹~）~~
:rolleyes: 这么热闹的场面怎么能拉下我呢，我这就来！ :D :D

等着，两个小时之后把这个水帖补进内容（嘻嘻，学习sunshine的说）

好，我来说两句。语言方面其实有很多地方都要改进，不过我脑袋上面的几位都已经搞得那么充分了，我干脆来说说论述的问题。

第一段的例子和论点不错，主要说技术exert enormous influence on customs/ethics，不足是收尾的时候缺点儿东西，而且中间有个别不够流畅的句间衔接。

第二段的话开始出问题，首先，你说了problem can be araised，然后提到是不是determine，然后又有个Admittedly，我看到这里以为你要充分辨析determine和influence的不同，然后对着题目来个大逆转，结果到后面死活找不到跟Admittedly对应的信号（However，yet，but，nevertheless，..），不得不反复看半天，然后发现这段话有点奇怪，刚开始你说的是problem在于是人还是技术determine custom，然后下一句话跑到了custom determine 技术？这个未免夸张。这个段落我看得很费解，现在也搞不懂你说的是什么。

第三段则是一会儿是技术determine custom，一会儿是vice versa，而且缺乏一个结论性的东西，你的意思是到底谁determine谁？

问题就这么多。目前已经有六个人动过手了（看看能不能突破作文版有史以来的单篇动手人数纪录？），我觉得是不是把意见综合一下写个新的出来？要是能给掐出一篇6分范文来那可是件大喜事。

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Rien d'irréel n'existe.

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10楼

发表于 2004-1-19 19:11:20 |只看该作者

倒。IMONG，你￥￥%……￥……了点吧。 :p

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11楼

发表于 2004-1-19 20:21:46 |只看该作者

btw，补充一句：开头段里面的Moreover是承接两句话的关键词，可是这里应该用Moreover吗？

我并没有明确的答案和看法，这个问题仅供参考。

对了，掐得这么火爆，没理由不标精啊~~

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12楼

发表于 2004-1-19 21:52:51 |只看该作者

我回来了呀~~~~~

回来看到斑竹和牛人们都在争先"捏"so猫呀~~~~
难怪so猫在外边happy的时候总是打喷嚏~~~~~
先水水到这里马上开工继续跟各位理论~~~
科学怪猫咪 is coming~~~~
先发一水帖马上给灌入有用的东东~~

To sunshine: 呵呵偶的年龄呀在这里呢反正大部分人我都是要喊GGJJ的也不保留了偶大二19岁呵呵

True love never runs smooth.

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13楼

发表于 2004-1-19 22:17:39 |只看该作者

给lq8186~~~~

最初由 lq8186 发布
[B]Due to the development and betterment(这个词betterment用得好，向你学习) of the equipment, in the early twenties, the difference of working effectiveness between a man and a woman could be ignored, causing feminism campaign all over the world for sexual equality and personality liberation as well as the traditional attitude toward women（这里traditional attitude···有问题，和前面的campaign for 接不上）.

Without technology of navigation, most nations at present might still hold the belief that they were the center in the universe; of industry, millions of women might never ever get the chance to see the scene out of limited sight from their window; of commerce, the concept of global village and the consciousness of racial quality might never exist.（从without开始，这几个例子好像与customs没有关系吧）

In conclusion, technology can be metaphorized as a flowing river, while the social custom and ethics as the banks, on which preserves human civilization and cultures. Although banks are seemed to control the direction to which the flow is headed, the river has made them first.(好深奥！！既然说custom<bank>不能control technology,那为什么又在倒数第二段说custom 影响technology，并且没有保留的说。是不是矛盾？)

文章开头论点说technology的决定作用，
又说而后面提到human对technology的影响,之后转仍然证明technology的决定作用，其中对于human对technology的影响的否定不太清晰

最后又说custom对technology的影响,好像与中心technology的决定作用相悖阿！！[/B]

第一我认为所有的custom都不应该加s，是custom变成复数是海关的意思呵呵
第二我不认为我第一段说的是human对technology的影响相反正是technology对human的影响而我也不认为technology影响和决定是矛盾的影响和决定的区别在我看来其实是多和少的区别影响较小也较间接而决定是一个直接的较大的因素用数学上的语言来说就是决定包含影响而影响包含于决定呵呵
第三关于我body中间的第二段的“从without开始，这几个例子好像与customs没有关系吧” 我个人是这样理解custom的其实就是一个社会普遍承认或认可的行为再说白一点就是一个社会里面大部分人做的行为或者所持有的态度就是custom（当然吃饭睡觉这些个不能算呀）所以我觉得我的例子没有那么大的矛盾
最后关于custom影响tech的原因论题里面说了是tech影响且决定custom 并没有说custom不能反作用于tech 我这样说事实上就是一种客观的评价呀我看不出有很大问题啊？！楼主可不可以多指教一点呢

至于我提到的最后一段的例子乃是写到最后的灵感所至我这个人比较喜欢写比喻句呵呵没有什么深奥的地方~~~

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14楼

发表于 2004-1-19 22:17:53 |只看该作者

I am new in both writing and revising

issue 88

"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."

Taking a brief glance at history of human existence, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion that technology, defined as the application of science and knowledge,(science is partial of human knowledge) has played an important role in bringing transformation and improvement to society. Moreover, I agree with the above saying in the topic that technology should be regarded as a determinative factor which not only influence but also, and more importantly, determine the social custom and ethics.

Generally speaking, it is the trends of social perspective that technology exercises enormous influence on the custom and ethics of mankind. Before the Industrial Revolutionary occurring in Britain in the eighteenth century, women were not allowed to work or study outside their houses apart from some comparatively enlightened places; yet waves of women went into spinneries to work as cotton spinner in the late decade of that century after the jenny were universally ultimate in the factory around Europe. Due to the development and betterment of the equipment, in the early twenties, the difference of working effectiveness between a man and a woman could be ignored, causing feminism campaign all over the world for sexual equality and personality liberation as well as the traditional attitude toward women. Nowadays in this nation, women rushing for offices can be seen everywhere without surprising and discrimination, the scene of which is very different from that of the early last century we could imagine.（only one example is inefficient to prove “determine”, it is still INFLUENCE, quick conclusion）

However, question can be raised why it is believed that the technology rather than the human beings themselves determine the social custom and ethics. Admittedly, in a short period, the intension of individuals and the needs of the social customs, can determine(indicate) the trends technology will follow. Considering the long eras human history covers, it is the technology that guarantees the basic condition for surviving, (What if the term PRODUCTIVE LABOR? Technology, essentially, is the tool applied to accelerate manufacture.) offer an opportunity to mankind to develop human society, and form variable custom and ethics (The original custom and ethics is formed by technology? What came first in human history?) according to the complicated geographical position and uneven levels of technology. (developed with the ever renewed technologies) Without technology of navigation, most nations at present might still hold the belief that they were the center in the universe(but of science discovery?); of industry, millions of women might never ever get the chance to see the scene out of limited sight from their window(How to explain feminie clan?) of commerce, the concept of global village and the consciousness of racial quality might never exist. One specialist on social science has given a proper comment on the function of technology in society: "Technology, has determined the social system and human ideology in the past time, and it will do in the future."(Tautology, meaningless)

As mentioned in the last paragraph, social custom and ethics greatly influence the development of technology, or even sometimes restrict further technological research and experiments. Human cloning, for instance, is legally abandoned in many countries due to the discordance with the ethnics. Still, the concepts of human cloning as well as the experiments on animals challenge with the traditional social perspectives which assert that nature law can be impossibly changed. Furthermore, no one can tell whether in the future, human cloning will become legal, since the technology of tube pregnancy when first contrived was considered illegal while being accepted by almost all the nations today.(These make sense. You see, through all above I can draw a conclusion that technology and human custom and ethics are interacting, interinfluencing.)

In conclusion, technology can be metaphorized as a flowing river, while the social custom and ethics as the banks, on which preserves human civilization( and cultures). Although banks are seemed to control the direction to which the flow is headed, the river has made them first.(That’s new, but I donnot agree.)

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15楼

发表于 2004-1-19 23:45:40 |只看该作者

给fortitudesag~~~~~

红色的部分是建议
黑色的是我的看法和修改
因为是一起所以里面不乏有点水水的成分
原谅的说~~~~~~~

Generally speaking, it is the trends(为什么用复数，给个理由)
说实话我不知道单数复数的区别是乱用的~~~~（不要打我我一定改正）

were universally ultimate(这个词我查过金山词霸，每看见当表语的情况，你见过？)
抱歉这个是笔误应该是被动语态的

in the factory around Europe. Due to the development and betterment(这两个词有什么区别？如果你觉得一样的话省略好了)
有区别吧发展完善意思不一样呀？！

of the equipment, in the early twenties, the difference of working effectiveness between a man and a woman could be(太绝对了，现在还不能实现呢，加上in great measurement好点，显得逻辑完整)
恩这点我严重同意其实写的时候我自己都底气不足所以用的是ignore不是elimitate~~~

ignored, causing(这个动词的主语是谁，如果不是主句主语，那可就是错误用法了，如果是的话，意思可就反了)
主语是difference啊难道不对？！（汗~~~~~）

feminism campaign all over the world for sexual equality and personality liberation as well as the traditional attitude toward women(并列部分的第三个与前两个相反，你可是用的as well as).
这个的确是我自己的问题没有话要说~~~~

Nowadays in this nation, women rushing for offices can be seen everywhere without surprising and discrimination(形容词怎和名词并列，还要注意surprising 和 surprised 不同啊，这里用那一个？)
呀我怎么这么猪头呀 surprise~~~~~才对呀~~~~~

, the scene of which is very different from that of the early last century we could imagine(过去的情况用imagine不好吧，imagine多用于将来).例子举了不少，也很好，可是你忘了举例子是要干什么！支持原论点啊！一些不该省略的大家都公认的assumption，显得coherence不强。适当的作一些summary，用imong的coherence文章的方法，使自己的论证强起来，可不要有理说不出啊
这个恩我一定努力改正

However, question can be raised why it is believed that the technology rather than the human beings themselves determine the social custom and ethics. (后面这个词太弱，一般用于说自己的缺陷，不适合提出本段的TS，建议换)
哪个词有缺陷呀？！determine吗？！

Admittedly, in a short period, the intension of individuals and the needs of the social customs, can determine the trends technology will follow. Considering the long eras(为什么复数，理由？)
因为是考虑到有很多个不同的era呀分不同的社会阶段和历史阶段呀（难道这个都用错了~~~555~~~我真是猪女啊~~~）

human history covers, it is the technology that guarantees the basic condition for surviving, offer(前面的那个可是三单，后面的那个倒是和这个相同，但是两个都与主语不配)
啊~~~~我竟然没有发现这个错误~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~（请上帝原谅我~~~）

an opportunity to mankind to develop human society(提供人类发展人类社会的机会，什么话，至少不是中国和美国话，别的我没学过)
我自己都忘记了这句话是怎么从我的大脑里面蹦出来的了
修改一下 offers a suitable circumstance for mankind to develop human society and civilization
好一点了吧应该~~~~~~~

, and form variable custom and ethics according to the complicated geographical position and uneven levels of technology(form的主语是谁，写到这你是不是忘了，和according to后面的内容不相融).
form的主语是tech呀恩？！是有问题的说~~~~~~
改正：and form variable custom and ethics according to different levels and destinations of technology
还是感觉怪怪的其实~~

Without technology of navigation, (用个for instance好点，显得coherence，)
是小的明白

most nations at present might still hold the belief that they were(过去式？为什么？)
因为是过去的belief啊~~~~~~（难道又错了？！5555~~~~~~）

the center in the universe; of industry, millions of women might never ever(这两个词一起用，我没见过)
呵呵反正口语里面有这样的说法比如
-Will u marry me?!
-Never ever~~~
HOHO~~不过不知道可不可以用在书面里面哦~~~

get the chance to see the scene out of limited sight from their window; of commerce, the concept of global village and the consciousness of racial quality might never exist. One specialist on social science has given a proper comment on the function of technology in society: "Technology, (为什么用逗号，has好象是原配的谓语)has determined the social system and human ideology in the past time, and it will do in the future."
是本来要加一个同位语的后来又不想加了但是忘记把逗号弄掉
谢谢你连这么小的地方都给指出来了

As mentioned in the last(last是指最后一段吗，如果指前一段用earlier 或 above好不？)
好记住了谢谢

paragraph, social custom and ethics greatly influence the development of technology, or even sometimes restrict further technological research and experiments. Human cloning, for instance, is legally abandoned in many countries due to the discordance with the ethnics. Still, the concepts of human cloning as well as the experiments on animals challenge with the traditional social perspectives which assert that nature law can be impossibly changed. （challenge好象是restrict的后果，不象是原因。）
恩真的哦觉得例子好象出状况了的那种
倒戈相向了哦~~~~~

Furthermore, no one can tell whether in the future, human cloning will become legal, since the technology of tube pregnancy when first contrived was considered illegal while being accepted by almost all the nations today. 后一个例子我看你都不能肯定，怎么好用来支持论点，另外restrict有问题。
这个是不是对未来的猜想和展望是不可以做论据的
可是我记得逻辑里面的推理演绎认为在一定程度上外推的结论也可以用来支持论点的呀
我没有上过逻辑课这些是逻辑书上写的
我是不是理解错了？！

In conclusion, technology can be metaphorized as a flowing river, while the social custom and ethics as the banks, on which preserves human civilization and cultures(是倒装吗？如果是，preserve好象这里当及物动词用，缺宾语；如果不是，主语在哪？).
又是一个笔误当初写的是 on which live human civilization and cultures后来改了又只改对了一半
我真的对不起大家连这种错误也拿过来给大家改
对不起~~~~~~

Although banks are seemed to control the direction to which the flow is headed, the river has made them first.太深奥了，我没看懂这个analogy的相似点。解释一下给我，方便的话。
恩我就是认为把河流比做technology而河岸比做社会意识形态的话在一个初到河边的人理所应当的会认为是河岸来决定了河流前进的方向但事实上从最早形成的状况来看的话其实是河流形成了河岸而河岸呢只不过是河流走过留下的痕迹就是这样的比喻我觉得用来比喻tech和custom也很恰当
也许让你想到鸡蛋和鸡的比喻了但是呵呵偶其实也是一边倒的在那个问题上因为从进化论的角度来看鸟类是从爬行类进化来的而爬行类就是卵生呀呵呵扯远了哈唉偶太久没有碰偶亲爱的生物了想念啊~~~~~~

总体结构：restrict 和determine 不是一码事，至少在你的文章中不能等同。伦理问题争议那么大，你怎么能抱完全赞同的观点，虽说创新是当前的时尚，那也得有冲着真理的总方向啊！适当让步也是英雄啊！
可是我我我我我当真就是这样认为的呀偶不是创新呀~~~
我是不是观点太过偏激了~~~~

每段的论证：前天imong的coherence那篇文章我认为你可以好好认真学习以下，对你的这篇文章很有针对性。
偶研究过了呀偶发誓偶还转贴到偶们学校的论坛上给偶哥们看的
原来偶还是纸上谈兵
唉
好今天都回答完了偶马上去复习~~~~

语言方面：还算流畅，但有一些小错误，我标出来了。
其实偶不擅长写议论文的写中文的时候都习惯了写一些没有主语谓语之类的烂文章

优点：开头段简洁，结尾运用形象的比喻，显得语言掌握很好。
唉也就是说最关键的全部都是缺点我明白了看来努力努力呀 3月9号就要考试罗~~~~~

我可是用7分的标准给你改的，啊！好过瘾！不好意思！小mm不要哭噢！不要去imong那儿告状噢！
你是上周排行榜的第二名，公开表扬，继续努力！
谢谢我很喜欢哭倒不错但是不是为这些哦
这位GG很会哄人先给了两拳头
然后再拍拍脸说乖
呵呵谢谢GG的修改~~~~~~
偶不哭偶也不告状的说~~~~~~~~~
就算丢死人或者真的被砖拍死在这里
也比到时候上ETS的绞刑架好!!!
何况一猫九命哪里那么容易死翘翘~~~
偶只想说眼睛好累呀~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
不过偶高兴呀高兴呀高兴啊~~~~~~~~~~ :D :D :D

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