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painterxy
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2014-10-17 14:30:47 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

10寄托币

习作题目是：
109. Some people believe that scientific discoveries have given us a much better understanding of the world around us. Others believe that science has revealed to us that the world is infinitely more complex than we ever realized.
Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views presented.
练笔不多，就快考试了，希望能得到指点，请狠批啊，真心感谢你的帮助！！:loveliness:
文章如下：
The both views above represent what the science has brought and is bringing up to us. It is undeniable that the constant scientific discoveries lead us to know more and more about our world around us in which we live every day. As knowing more, we simultaneously realized that how huge the world we haven’t explored is far beyond our conscience. That is the role of the science plays in the process we observing the world, which we can not just address any of its aspect.
On the one hand, the discoveries of science enable us to have more access or various perspectives to rethink an already formed regconition. If it was in the ancient Greek time when the mathematic was not developed enough, people could impossibly calculate that the sun actually is bigger than the earth, which led to a challenge to the geocentric opinion. To the contrast, the ancient people could only assume that the sun revolved around the earth for they only have the access of observation to this problem. If it was before the advent of telescope, people could only observe the planet by naked eyes. Nevertheless, by the telescope, people came to know that the dark areas like shadow they saw on the moon are actually moon craters.
In this sense, the scientific discoveries have given us a better understanding of the world. However, based on the above example, if there was no the development in the science, people would not have awared the world is more complex than they have realized.
On the other hand, however, it is also the science that nudge us to realize that what we have realized is quiet a small piece of cake.Our awareness to the world of us is unavoidable limited by the space and time. The scientific development , just like a cleaner, blocks away the obstacles. As a result, a wilder world is represented in front of our eyes. An approximate example will be no more than the discovery of the Americas at the end of the 15 century. Though with the financial aid from the king, we can envision that without the advanced achievements of navigation, it is impossible for them to surpass the geographical block of the ocean and finally had their feet on the American land. However, the unknown world is not generated by the scientific development, it naturally exists, but the science does reveal this fact to us.
More important, having realized this point, we may keep us from being complacency and accelerate our pace to exploring the unknown but fabulous world, for we all expect a better life.

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tesolchina
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沙发

发表于 2014-10-17 15:28:38 |只看该作者

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s ... 0e0b3afff7c1f51db6c

楼主语言表达问题较严重

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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板凳

发表于 2014-10-18 11:56:04 |只看该作者

tesolchina 发表于 2014-10-17 15:28
https://www.evernote.com/shard/s144/sh/107cbb55-94e7-4a3a-8da7-433d21c77fb1/3ab734ca86ec00e0b3afff7c ...

首先非常感谢您。而且在我没有按照你那个思路去写作的时候还能够提供帮助。
首先，就全文来看，如果把语言表达问题改进的话，是不是在整体思路上还算可以？
然后就是几点具体的语言问题。
As knowing more
we observing the world，还有awared(这个把aware当动词用了）
unavoidable limited，的确是不够细心。我可以改正的。
对于f it was in the ancient Greek time when the mathematic was not developed enough, people could impossibly calculate that the sun actually is bigger than the earth, which led to a challenge to the geocentric opinion.
您指出这里不应用条件从句。我是看过critical thinking这本书上有这样一句话
If you had been raised in India, you might be perfectly comfortable having your parents
choose your spouse for you.
一方面是想模仿一下，另外一方面，我这样写是想强调如果是在那些数学进步之前，人们就不可能计算出太阳比地球大。呵呵，我还是不明白我写的的句子，在哪里和我看得那句不一样。请具体说一下。
最后还有
The scientific development , just like a cleaner, blocks away the obstacles这句话的语法问题我自己也看不出啊？
呵呵，有时候自己写的句子就是有问题自己意识不到。
最后想问您，我的表达出了这些具体问题之外，是不是整体感觉都不流畅或者是什么问题？

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tesolchina
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地板

发表于 2014-10-18 13:00:02 |只看该作者

我不知道你的英语水平大概是怎么样的，我的感觉是你可能平时作文写得并不多，尤其是阅读的比较少。因此，你的句子大部分都不太通顺以致我很难明白你想表达的意思。
像你说的这种假设性的句子，原书中的句子是没问题的，但是你要考虑用在你的场景下是否合适。你其实可以用过去时说当年数学未发展的时候人们如何如何不太明白你为什么要假设
比如people could impossibly calculate 这个表达也很有问题应该说 people could not ...
这样的例子实在太多，基本上符合这里 weak control of sentence structure or language usage, with errors that often result in vagueness or lack of clarity.

Scores 3 and 2.5: Displays some competence in analytical writing, although the writing is flawed in at least one of the following ways: limited analysis or development; weak organization; weak control of sentence structure or language usage, with errors that often result in vagueness or lack of clarity.

我觉得你语言表达问题主要有两个原因，一是你阅读太少，不知道好的英语长什么样子，所以自己写的东西也不知道有问题；二是你对题目的分析、思路也受到了语言的限制反过来又导致了语言的混乱。
我觉得楼主目前有两个选择，要么就是继续按你的套路写，留意一下语法，估计运气好也能混到3分，其实申请很多美国的学校也够了；要么你真心希望利用考GRE作文提升英语写作和思维的能力，那就至少要拿出2个月的时间认真准备，先列提纲调整思路，再努力熟悉好的英语是怎么写的，或许二战还有希望。

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5楼

发表于 2014-10-18 14:37:43 |只看该作者

tesolchina 发表于 2014-10-18 13:00
我不知道你的英语水平大概是怎么样的，我的感觉是你可能平时作文写得并不多，尤其是阅读的比较少。因此，你 ...

嗯，谢谢您了。
平时确实阅读看得不多，写作练习的也少。

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6楼

发表于 2014-10-18 15:04:53 |只看该作者

tesolchina 发表于 2014-10-18 13:00
我不知道你的英语水平大概是怎么样的，我的感觉是你可能平时作文写得并不多，尤其是阅读的比较少。因此，你 ...

好吧，我这里再麻烦您一下。还有一篇文章请您看一看，是不是也是语言表达的问题很大？
题目是：
2. To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
文章：
Mentioning the major cities, there is a vivid picture in many people’s mind that our major cities are full of cars on the streets but in a shipshape order and with neon light at night people enjoy the delicious dinner with family members or enter a cinema to enjoy a wonderful film and so forth. To the contrast, other places like rural area, people are more likely to just work leisurely in the daytime on the farm or small companies and have homely activities at night. It seems that we can dig the most important characteristic of a society from the great prosperity of the major cities. However, are all these ostensibly prosperous scenery can represent the most important characteristic? In my view, what we can not deny is that the major cities indeed are highly developed with the most advanced ideas and a sum of talented people. But I contend that we should wait to rethink before we conclude this result.
As far as the economy is concerned, our major cities lie more on industry and service industry, that meant, could create more fortune than the single mode of agriculture in rural area. The biggest stock trading hall, the offices of big company and so on are in the major city. For the major cities own more fortune, people in the major cities have the strongest consuming power compared with other place. So the biggest shopping mall, the most fantastic cinema, the amusement park as well is in the major city.
Furthermore, as for the scientific and cultural field, the most successful people also gather in major cities. Because of the advanced equipments, the scientist can have a better condition to do the research. As there is more access for art, such as museums and galleries, the artists can have a better development space which provides them more excellent resources to learn from. Also, most of politicians work in major cities.
All these above are the results of the high concentration of resources in major city for the density of population is higher in major cities. But the major cities are still only a part of the whole society, sometimes even a very small part.
Nevertheless, if a certain area is most covered by the rural area and if the characteristic can not be presented in the most coverage area, it is unreasonable to regard it as the most important characteristic of a society.
Additionally，if we turn our observation to the past time, we will notice that though the capital of a country was so prosperous, the rest area which consisted actually the most coverage of a country was plain. This phenomenon was common in the past time for the mechanism of regulation resembled centralization. Therefore, the statement is not applicable for such circumstance yet the statement presents an absolute attitude with the word”must”.
In sum, due to the advanced development level of the major cities, it is true that most advanced characteristic of a society can be discovered in major cities. But to remember the most advanced, in a large sense, are not equivalent to the most important character.

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7楼

发表于 2014-10-18 17:47:13 |只看该作者

painterxy 发表于 2014-10-18 15:04
好吧，我这里再麻烦您一下。还有一篇文章请您看一看，是不是也是语言表达的问题很大？
题目是：
2. To ...

2. To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
文章：
Mentioning the major cities, there is a vivid picture in many people’s mind that our major cities are full of cars on the streets but in a shipshape order and with neon light at night people enjoy the delicious dinner with family members or enter a cinema to enjoy a wonderful film and so forth. To the contrast, other places like rural area, people are more likely to just work leisurely in the daytime on the farm or small companies and have homely activities at night. It seems that we can dig the most important characteristic of a society from the great prosperity of the major cities. However, are all these ostensibly prosperous scenery can represent the most important characteristic? In my view, what we can not deny is that the major cities indeed are highly developed with the most advanced ideas and a sum of talented people. But I contend that we should wait to rethink before we conclude this result.

刚才看了一篇文献
Yates, R., & Kenkel, J. (2002). Responding to sentence-level errors in writing. Journal of Second Language Writing, 11(1), 29–47.
作者的核心意思就是不要老想着把学生的文章改成像母语那么地道，而要从学生的角度出发，了解他们想表达的意思。

Mentioning the major cities, there is a vivid picture in many people’s mind that our major cities are full of cars on the streets but in a shipshape order and with neon light at night people enjoy the delicious dinner with family members or enter a cinema to enjoy a wonderful film and so forth. To the contrast, other places like rural area, people are more likely to just work leisurely in the daytime on the farm or small companies and have homely activities at night.

先说这两句话吧从你的角度来看你一定想说

一提起大城市，很多人的脑海里就会浮现出我们的大城市车水马龙，霓虹灯的照耀下人们和家人一起享用晚餐，在电影院享受电影等等。

然后接着对比一下农村的情况，白天在农地或乡镇企业里干活，晚上在家里宅着。

正面的看，你这样引出全文并无不妥。但是，你用的句型有很大的问题。比如一开始mentioning ... 就很有问题不知道谁mention in a shipshape order修饰谁也不清楚
我试下按你的意思改一下

In modern society, people living in major cities often enjoy their lives with great convenience afforded by advanced transportation system, sophisticated restaurants and movie theatres where they can spend time with their family members. On the other hand, in the rural areas, the pace of life is usually more relaxing as the jobs are usually less demadning and there are fewer opportunities for entertainment and activities at night.
可能跟你本来的意思不太一样一方面是因为你的意思本身不是很清楚而我写的时候也会选择我熟悉的句型或许你也可以看出我这里用的句型都是比较常见的相信你也会用的但是你为什么会写出你那样的句子估计还是受了汉语思维的影响是不是？

It seems that we can dig the most important characteristic of a society from the great prosperity of the major cities. However, are all these ostensibly prosperous scenery can represent the most important characteristic? In my view, what we can not deny is that the major cities indeed are highly developed with the most advanced ideas and a sum of talented people. But I contend that we should wait to rethink before we conclude this result.

dig这个词用得不太合适
后面are ... can ...的句型也显示楼主太粗心或者语法基础比较薄弱
至于最后But I conclude其实并没有提出自己的观点

As far as the economy is concerned, our major cities lie more on industry and service industry, that meant, could create more fortune than the single mode of agriculture in rural area. The biggest stock trading hall, the offices of big company and so on are in the major city. For the major cities own more fortune, people in the major cities have the strongest consuming power compared with other place. So the biggest shopping mall, the most fantastic cinema, the amusement park as well is in the major city.
Furthermore, as for the scientific and cultural field, the most successful people also gather in major cities. Because of the advanced equipments, the scientist can have a better condition to do the research. As there is more access for art, such as museums and galleries, the artists can have a better development space which provides them more excellent resources to learn from. Also, most of politicians work in major cities.
All these above are the results of the high concentration of resources in major city for the density of population is higher in major cities. But the major cities are still only a part of the whole society, sometimes even a very small part.
Nevertheless, if a certain area is most covered by the rural area and if the characteristic can not be presented in the most coverage area, it is unreasonable to regard it as the most important characteristic of a society.
Additionally，if we turn our observation to the past time, we will notice that though the capital of a country was so prosperous, the rest area which consisted actually the most coverage of a country was plain. This phenomenon was common in the past time for the mechanism of regulation resembled centralization. Therefore, the statement is not applicable for such circumstance yet the statement presents an absolute attitude with the word”must”.
In sum, due to the advanced development level of the major cities, it is true that most advanced characteristic of a society can be discovered in major cities. But to remember the most advanced, in a large sense, are not equivalent to the most important character.

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