[作文] 08的作文修改小铺子 [复制链接]

范文四号：perception同学：Successful people take new things and risks rather than the thing that they've done well.

We often heard stories of successful people trying hard for new things and bear huge risk to earn a glorious victory. These stories are really impressive. But could we thus safely conclude that successful people take new things and risks rather than the thing that they've done well? I think it is arbitrary and hasty to say so.

In the fist place, any people who do their work well should be seen as successful people too.（根据你这个too，要先说一下可能大家认为的成功人士的形象） It is true sometimes we need to try new things and take risk to ensure the proceeding of the things we work on. An innovative idea and a brave attempt may be a requisite to achieve our goal. However, this by no means implies that the rest of our work, the daily and routine parts are inferior or insignificant to those exciting and breathtaking components. Anyhow, the majority of our daily lives and the order of the society depend on millions of people who do things they have done well. For example, train and bus drivers never drive on new paths or take risks as they please, but they timely and safely carry millions of people to different parts of the city and the country day and night. Employees in the running water companies seldom try new things or take risks when they produce water for us, but they ensure there is always clear water available to every tap. The accomplishments of these people seem rather plain and not worth noticing. However, I shall say they are successful people. They have done a great work which should not be undervalued. They managed to maintain the important aspects of public utilities as well as the peace and order of the society day by day and year by year. You can imagine if these people failed to do such work effectively, what a terrible chaos we would witness.

Furthermore, the success of people taking new things and risks are also supported and guaranteed by their doing things that they’ve done well. If people do not make full use of the things they could do excellently, their success would not be attained just because of their adventurous attempts. Success lies not so much as in luck as in hard work. For example, when a team of soldiers aim to take a military assault, their success is only partly dependent on the risk taking itself, more are determined by whether in this action they could realize their potentials, whether they manage to do things they are good at in the train-ings, such as moving quickly and firing accurately. A scientist with fresh ideas would be successful only if he combines those with other skills he already grasp well, such as collecting and analyzing data to test his arguments.  

To sum up, the claim that successful people take new things and risks rather than things they've done well is unfounded. Taking new things and risk may contribute to success in some circumstances, but people should also do things they have done well to ensure their success. And people who only do things they have done well should also be regarded as successful, as long as the result is really good.

论证的很漂亮，有理有据
perception 发表于 2009-8-26 15:38

范文二号：walala同学：Has technology made the world a better place to live?

Speaking of technology, different people will hold different views based on their own experiences and understanding. Some people will agree that technology is a useful tool which could help us in almost all fields, while others think technology has done more harm than good considering the damage to the environment and the pressure it brings to modern people. As far as I’m considered, technology indeed makes the world a better place for living and my reasons are as follows.

First and foremost, technology has brought countless convenience to people nowadays. Technology is a greater help to our work as well as our family affairs（affair有贬义，绯闻啥的，用family life比较好点）. We are now using computers to solve complicated problems we meet in the research programs, to collect large amout of information we need in study, and even to oragnize our finiacial affairs, all of which save us a lot of time and money. What’s more, it’s easy for us to travel to different places due to the fast and safe transportation such as airplane or trains, and just a portable cellphone can connect us with our friends and relatives who are in foreign countries.

Besides, thanks to the development in technology, we now live in a happier and healthier life. For example, Internet provides us with numerous ways to relax,（句号） we can chat with our friends online, play computer games, and watch live football games, all of these entertainments （改which，或者重新开始一句）make our lives more enjoyable. More importantly, advancement in medical equipment leads to more breakthroughs in curing the deadly diseases, resulting （缺in） the longevity of human beings.

Nevertheless, there’s no denying that technology has made some negative effects to our environment. We’re now breathing dirty air polluted by the exhaust gases from cars, and drinking poisonous water contaminated by chemical wastes. Technology will still continue to damage our environment if we do not take effective actions.

Based on the reasons stated above, we can still make the conclusion that technology is making a better world despite its bad influence. All we have to do in the future is to make the technology move toward the direction of creating a better world.

这是我改过的walala同学的第三篇作文，进步很大。论证观点，语句都没有问题，表达流畅，对于让步的语气也把握得很好。
walala 发表于 2009-7-7 18:14

范文一号：momoi同学：不是所有的东西能从书本中学来。 比较经验知识和书本知识。 哪个更重要。

While books were usually considered the most significant source of knowledge in the past, nowadays people hold more rational and practical views towards this issue. Learning-by-doing model has been given more weights to by current education system, enterprise management fields and even social valuation mechanisms. Following the mainstream view, I’m totally in favor of learning from praxis, and it’s kind of interesting to further dig out why I regard experience knowledge more important than book knowledge. Totally in favor让你的论点有点模糊了。考虑用下though, still 之类的连接词

First, let us look at what people typically benefit from books. In general, knowledge gained from books has a wider range than that gained from experiences. We now live in a world where we could easily get access to nearly all fields’ information from books, such as philosophy, history, literature, physics, mathematics, and the list will go on, only if we have already acquired basic reading skills. Unlike the experience of an individual, books seem to have almost no limitations.

However, the sad news is that, even if boundaryless knowledge is contained in books, individuals usually need further comprehension mainly through experiences. We take in information through our senses, yet we ultimately learn by doing, which sparks our interest and generates our motivation to self-discover. Think back on learning to ride a bicycle, use a computer, dance, or sing. We took an action, saw the consequences of that action, and chose either to continue, or to take a new and different action. What allowed us to master the new skill was our active participation in the event and our reflection on what we attained. Experience and reflection taught more than any manual or lecture ever could.

Furthermore, although diversity of knowledge and a broad spectrum of information can be sourced in printed matters, it is quite true that not everything is contained in books: how to deal with personal finance, how to cope with current social trends, even how to most effectively organize our own minds and numerously other things can seldom be found thoroughly and comprehensively discussed in books. These precious knowledges can only be distilled from individuals’ personal experience.

Overall, learning-by-doing is more active than learning-by-reading as it results in longer-term recall, synthesis, and problem-solving skills. We must reflect on what happened, distill knowledge from our experiences and move from passivity to activity.

语言很流畅地道，论证清晰到位没有废话，大家一起学习吧。
momoi 发表于 2009-7-2 13:45

非常谢谢，正好昨天写了一篇
161. work for someone else or own a business

Job choice is of vital importance to a person's career. 这句话没有什么意义，职业选择对职业来说当然很重要，可以不写。Currently, a growing number of college students are torn between 缺定冠词 two choices, "Should I start my own business like cafe or restaurant or should I enter a big company like Microsoft or GE?" Some people like to recommend the former option to colleges students, others, myself inculded, perfer to suggest youngman to accumulate some experiences before kick（ing） off their own business.  重要：题目是说为别人工作，不=在大公司工作

Firstly, by working in a big company, we can learn a great deal of useful skill, information, and ability about business world. We all know that, the outside life is more complication than university. For most of us, even we have accomplished the education in school, we still is  （we are still）rookies with zero experiences about business.  And the first job enable us to gain access to practice school knowledge and have more useful work experiences, form how to fix the printer to handle multi-task （multiple tasks） efficiently. So, thus （两个词重复） perhaps could explain a recent social phenomena, many of students like to have summer job during their holidays, not only for extra pocket mony, but also for valuable work experience, which make them more competitive in the labor market when they graduate. 写这类型2选1的题目，经常可以在分论点里进行对比。比如这一段你可以补充说，没有任何经验自己开公司的话是多么的不利。

Moreover, working in a company, which provide （主谓一致） opportunities to meet people of diverse backgrounds, some of them （which）are native, others are come from abroad; some guys are good at deal（ing） with client, other girls （没必要用两个性别，另外guys太口语了，people即可）are expert in paper work. And this is very crucial factor to help us to success （动词）, 句号。let us consider the following hypothetical situation, suppose one morning in company, our boss leave （主谓）a complex task to us, it must have finished before noon, and the task is translate this three thousand words compact to chinese, spanish and french and deliver it to ten client all around the world. This could totally knock us out, and we really need some colleagues or friends to help. Thanks to our French partner, who can take care of the english to french translation, we could focus on chinese and spanish edtion. 这个分论点比较模糊，在公司工作可以遇到不同背景的人，这样是有助于团队合作呢？还是让你了解到不同处世态度和文化价值？ 你举的例子是表明团队合作的，所以最好开头能把论点再挖得深一点。另外剩下的语法不改了，请自己检查。

Admittedly, daily routines of monotonous office work is very common in big company, those sedentary office work will takes a toll on the physical health, heightening te risks of diseases, such as obesity and hypertension, and endless heavy task also create excessive stress, leading to anxiety and depression, which have a negative effect on the mental health. However, if we can maintain a health lifestyle, have physical exercise on regular basis and spend more leisure time with close friends or family to reduce work stress. We can say for sure, that the disadvantages of working in a big company are far outweigh its disadvantages. Again，这段如果能围绕着对比来写会更好，尽管是让步论点。可以先说那些在公司工作的弊病，which doesnt exist in launching a brand new business. 不过实际上这样的可能性很小。所以你愿意的话，可以把这个让步变成第三个正方论点。说自主创业有很多难以承受的压力和不可预见性，不适合大学生。这个题目和很多T的题目一样，是针对你个人看法的，因此完全可以说你的观点而不必涵盖整个世界。

In short, working in someone's company, despite some drawbacks, should be recommend to college students for it provide a good opportunity to practice our old knowledge and learn more new business skill, improving our social relaitonship and bolstering the chance to success for people have ambitions and dreams.
文赋 发表于 2009-7-2 09:03

Just as the topic says, last one hundred years is a prosperous century, since a great number of inventions have come out （been made；发明不会主动出现的）. They benefit people a lot, improve people's lives and also propel the whole society.In all the inventions, I have to say that television is the most essential one for the entire world. With televisions, people can gain information with a high efficiency. They can also be amused by the programs broadcast on TV, talking  （and talk；注意句子主语）about these programs after their watching, which strengthen their relationship. Thus I think the invention of television is of the largest importance. 论点已经说过了，不用再这一段重复了

@" v
Television has brought many benefits and one of them is that it provides people messages （provides people with information；message一般都是具体的一条文字信息）at a high speed. In our daily lives, people may obtain news with many methods （sources）: newspapers, radio broadcast, even oral spreading （搭配引人遐想……改成daily talk就好）. But none of them overwhelms television. Television can tell people what is happening right now even far from 1000 kilometers away. Think about the broadcasts of a rocket's setting up. When a rocket is going to be launched, a lot of journalists rush to the spot to cover the event. They deliver it to the whole world only in a second, and people can follow the event easily without leaving home. In this way, people can maintain the information as soon as it happens. 你提到了其他的三种传播方式，那么有必要说一下为什么电视在时间上胜过他们。radio的话在时间上和电视可以同步，那么要么不写radio，要么写出电视其他的好处：有鲜活的图像搭配声音（which radio can not do）

Meanwhile, a number of programs have been broadcasting （people broadcast program, not the other way round）on TV from time to time, which includes news, knowledge, entertainment, and so on. People can take advantage of their spare time to enjoy the programs. While watching, they can discuss about the program and enhance their relationship. For example, my families (人生一个family足矣……) and I always watch TV after supper. Sometimes we watch the programs of series （连续剧？soap opera？）and sometimes those about science. We often talk about what will happen to a character in a series or what can people grasp （gain） from a new discovery or invention. Thus, our relationship has been fortified. 这个论点很好。

Some negative effects that television has lead to, however, should never be neglected. Since an increasing popularity of television programs have been raised, people are always waiting in front of TV sets for their favorite programs and ignore the magnitude of doing exercise （excersing就可以了）. With the developing （development）of the society, living standard of people has been improved as well. But diseases which threat people's health come subsequently. People must do some exercise instead of be seated to watching TV more often than not （？）. （参考：Thus, people should exercise more to keep themselves healthy, rather than be a couch potato all the time. ）From this point of view, television does own disadvantages (does have its disadvantages；does表示强调) to a certain degree.

Generally speaking, television has done (brought about)  great improvement for people's lives on the efficiency of receiving information and making people close（r） to each other. But people should consider it comprehensively. The idea that television is perfect must be refuted. People must pay attention to the negative aspects caused by television and make efforts to minimize them （to the nadir；到them句子已经完整，不用再表示最低了，另外我不知道nadir的用法……）.

贫民窟主 发表于 2009-7-2 10:43

经过楼主一修改，确实发现很多自己平时注意不到的地方，还的继续加油才行。
然后就是，一般来说写托福作文，不会为了某一个题目专门想一个Subtopic，然后准备一段材料，当然尽可能的要多准备。这样的话，根据以前的 ...
文赋 发表于 2009-7-3 11:09

楼主真好。我想问一下，每回在准备作文之前，我都会翻阅一下别人的范文以及新概念3和4，当时看的时候能够记住一些好句子，但是一到写作文的时候，一个是不会用，另外就是忘记怎么使用啦？写作文又跟挤牙膏似的到处找 ...
daney68 发表于 2009-7-2 16:01

你说的是“They can also be amused by the programs broadcast on TV, talking  （and talk；注意句子主语）about these programs after their watching, which strengthen their relationship. ”这句吗？我找了半天不太确定。老师说的情况是对的，但是一般是1个人两个状态。而这句话前半句是助动词开头，talk要么是跟随着can的，所以不能用“，XXXing”的形式；要么是单独的（把句子拆开就是they talk about...）两个动词不是同类，放在一起混淆视听
jiang08 发表于 2009-7-3 11:39

谢谢LZ的好心和时间

题目：不是所有的东西能从书本中学来。 比较经验知识和书本知识。 哪个更重要。

While books were usually considered the most significant source of knowledge in the past, nowadays people hold more rational and practical views towards this issue. Learning-by-doing model has been given more weights to by current education system, enterprise management fields and even social valuation mechanisms. Following the mainstream view, I’m totally in favor of learning from praxis, and it’s kind of interesting to further dig out why I regard experience knowledge more important than book knowledge. Totally in favor让你的论点有点模糊了。考虑用下though, still 之类的连接词

First, let us look at what people typically benefit from books. In general, knowledge gained from books has a wider range than that gained from experiences. We now live in a world where we could easily get access to nearly all fields’ information from books, such as philosophy, history, literature, physics, mathematics, and the list will go on, only if we have already acquired basic reading skills. Unlike the experience of an individual, books seem to have almost no limitations.

However, the sad news is that, even if boundaryless knowledge is contained in books, individuals usually need further comprehension mainly through experiences. We take in information through our senses, yet we ultimately learn by doing, which sparks our interest and generates our motivation to self-discover. Think back on learning to ride a bicycle, use a computer, dance, or sing. We took an action, saw the consequences of that action, and chose either to continue, or to take a new and different action. What allowed us to master the new skill was our active participation in the event and our reflection on what we attained. Experience and reflection taught more than any manual or lecture ever could.

Furthermore, although diversity of knowledge and a broad spectrum of information can be sourced in printed matters, it is quite true that not everything is contained in books: how to deal with personal finance, how to cope with current social trends, even how to most effectively organize our own minds and numerously other things can seldom be found thoroughly and comprehensively discussed in books. These precious knowledges can only be distilled from individuals’ personal experience.

Overall, learning-by-doing is more active than learning-by-reading as it results in longer-term recall, synthesis, and problem-solving skills. We must reflect on what happened, distill knowledge from our experiences and move from passivity to activity.
momoi 发表于 2009-7-2 13:45