Presently, there is a controversial issue about whether young people enjoy life more than older people. Depending on their distinct backgrounds and personal experiences, different people hold different views. Some maintain that young people are so energetic and highly educated that they can easily enjoy their life more than old ones . Others, including me, fundamentally disagree with this statement. In the following discussion, I would like to reason and provide concrete evidences to support my viewpoint. 正如楼上牛牛所说,观点一定要单独摆出来,我也觉得很有道理。
dA-\F2J0A.bThe first and the fore most reason is that (建议改成,first and foremost, 直接接后面。因为昨天不记得看谁的帖子,说是每句TS要精简,不需要用复杂句,能明了意思就够。)the old have more time and money for enjoying their lives. Once there was a research asking senior citizens how they made their daily life more colorful after retiring from work. As a result, the answers were also colorful: some of them chose to go traveling all over the world, others preferred to take part in the activities held by their communities to make many new friends, still others favored to develop their hobbies, such as painting and dancing. After several years' hard work, the old now usually have accumulated enough money to lead a more enjoyable life; meanwhile, they have lots of time. On the other hand, (这里应该改成by contrast 之类的,因为on one hand , one the other hand是同一个论点的两个方面,而不是说明相反观点的)young people are always quite busy at work(be busy doing,are always quite busy doing their jobs?我不确定) to support themselves or their families. Hence, how can they spend a year time in traveling to the other side of the world?}ze ^[%p4^"D
What is also worth noticing is that the young have so heavy burden on them that they can hardly enjoy their life. Since the world is rapidly changing and modern life has become more complicated, many young people must work long hours just to provide themselves with the basics. (这与前面的工作忙,要负担自己和家庭是不是有点重复呢?)There is a saying that new kinds of diseases have developed, created by the complexity of modern life. Stress is one such "illness" and most of the young are suffering from it. Meanwhile, contrasting to the rigid and full schedule of the young people, the senior’s lives always consist of enjoying sunlight, walking a dog, dancing waltz. Then how can we still saying the young enjoy life more than the old?Q%`iS"L7zAdmittedly, young people may have received higher education than their parents, (这个和enjoyment的联系是否也要点明下?)and may have more entertainments, including rock-climbing and bungee jumping, which are too exciting for the old to participate in. However, this does not mean they have enough time to relax themselves, or, to some extent, they can afford these costly activities. Therefore, this alone does not provide sufficient support to than they can enjoy life more.
&l5p ETo sum up, due to the reasons mentioned, which sometimes correlate with each other to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive than any single one of them, (看到这话有点晕。。。是模板不?)we can safely reach the conclusion that the old enjoy life more than the young.
你看了我的文章就知道我底子有多差。还叫我帮你看看,太抬举我了~
我觉得你基础不错啊,至少没有语法错误。可能如果要提高的话,句式什么的还可以多变一点,而且你中间两段都用的对比论证,如果有时间,可以把其中一个修改一下。
其他问题我看不出来了,请高人指点吧。
本来早就要睡了,突然发现有人回帖,头脑发晕中帮你改的:eek: |