[a习作temp] Argument 238 零散板油求互拍～ [复制链接]

noheven
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-7-28 21:53:02 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

238.The followingappeared in a memorandum from the president of Mira
Vista College to the college's board of trustees.

"At nearby Green Mountain College, which has morebusiness courses and
more jobcounselors than does Mira Vista College,90 percent of last
year's graduatingseniors had job offers from prospective employers. But
at Mira Vista College last year, only70 percent of the seniors who
informed theplacement office that they would be seeking employment had
found full-timejobs within three months after graduation, and only half
of these graduateswere employed in their major field of study. To help
Mira Vista'sgraduates find employment, we must offer more courses in
business andcomputer technology and hire additional job counselors to
help students withtheir resumès and interviewing skills."

1.不平等的比较： GMC的90% 与 MVC的70% 在3个月内受聘，50%受聘于major，前者明显缺乏限定条件，不能说明GMC毕业生的就业情况好于MVC；很可能GMC的学生基数小，或者90%中的许多都不是在3个月内受聘也不是major；而且纯粹的就业率也不能表明就业者的满意程度等其他影响因素；
2.即使GMC毕业生的就业情况好于MVC，也没有理由认为仅仅是由于GMC有more business courses and more job counselors；影响就业情况的原因有很多，比如MVC本身的专业设置，教学水平，学生的综合素质，甚至学校所在地等；
3.基于2，可以指出原文的对策也不合理： offer more courses in
business andcomputer technology and hire additional job counselors仅仅是解决了表面问题，未必能帮助MVC提高就业率。

自评：写的还是比较模板化，他因的分析也不深入（其实是不知道怎么进一步分析=。= ）求指点！

Words:504

In this memorandum, the arguer comparesthe percentage of
GreenMountain College'sgraduates being employed to Mira Vista College's,then gives the suggestion of how to help its graduates seek for job to the Green Mountain College. It seems thatthere really exit the "course and effect" relationship bewteen thecourse of Green Mountain Collegeand the job seeking of its graduates. However, the assertion lies on a coupleof unequal comparison which render it open to doubt.

First, the comparison between Green MountainCollege and Mira Vista College bases on an unequal level. Thearguer gives a total percentage of MiraVista College'sgraduates being employed while only shows the percentages of Green Mountain College within threemonths after graduation and employed in their major. Perhaps it takes the mostgraduates of Green Mountain Collegemuch longer time to find jobs; or their work do not relate to their major. Andthe arguer ignores an important basement: the total numbers of students ofthese two colleges. If Mira Vista Collegehave much more students, even the percentage of employed graduates lower than Green Mountain College, it also may havemore amount of graduates with jobs. In addition, as a common sense, owning apost do not mean having a good job, there are lots of other factors toinfluence it, such as the pay, the career future, the atmosphere.

Second, even the employment situation ofGreen Mountain College is better than Mira Vista College, there is no enoughevidence to support the it because the setting of course. The majors ofgraduates, the professional level of graduates, the personal network, even thelocation of school, will affect the job seeking. For instance, graduates ofcomputer science often have more chance to be employed
to the ones of history, and a college locatedin a large city will attract more attention from employers than the one in thenearby country. The arguer asserts the reason is that Mira Vista College lacks enough business coursesand job counselors just an assumption without logical supporting.

Given there are quite a lot of elementsinflecting employment situation, the suggestion of the memorandum is doubtable,too. Will the more courses in
business andcomputer technology and additional job counselors help graduates from Mira Vista College find satisfiedjobs easier or sooner? There is no a certain answer. Maybe the point is thatthe Mira Vista College is a normal college and there are enough teachers in thestate; or, to the opposite, the Mira Vista College is already focus on businessand computer while it lacks enough courses to train the communication skills ofstudents.

In the absent of equal comparison andlogic, this memorandum is skeptical. To strengthen the assertion, the arguershould provide more information about the employment situation of these twoschool as well as other related factors, such as the setting of majors andcourses, the locations. Moreover, further discussing of measures to helpgraduates improve their levels to find jobs should be made.

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blade134
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沙发

发表于 2009-8-1 01:38:03 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 blade134 于 2009-8-1 01:48 编辑

1# noheven

In this memorandum, the arguer compares the percentage of
Green Mountain College’s graduates being employed to Mira Vista College’s, then gives the suggestion of how to help its graduates seek for job to the Green Mountain College.(复述有点平淡) It seems that there really exit(exists?) the "course and effect" relationship between the course of Green Mountain College and the job seeking of its graduates. However, the assertion lies on a couple of unequal comparison which render it open to doubt.

First, the comparison between Green Mountain College and Mira Vista College bases on an unequal level. The arguer gives a total percentage of Mira Vista College’s graduates being employed(这里用得好，学习) while only shows the percentages of Green Mountain College within three months after graduation and (the percentages 这里好像不能省略吧) employed in their major. Perhaps it takes the（去掉？） most graduates of Green Mountain College much longer time to find jobs; or their work do not relate to their major. And the arguer ignores an important basement(premise): the total numbers of students of these two colleges. If Mira Vista College have much more students, even (though) the percentage of employed graduates lower than Green Mountain College, it also may have more amount of graduates with jobs. In addition, as a common sense, owning a post do not mean having a good job, there are lots of other factors, such as the pay, the career future, the atmosphere, could influence it.（调整了一下顺序，是不是好一点，因为such as的主是factors）

Second, even (if?) the employment situation of Green Mountain College is better than Mira Vista College, there is no enough evidence to support the it because the setting of course(开是用even是做让步么？为什么后面又否定呢？而且最后的原因没说清楚). The majors of graduates, the professional level of graduates, the personal network, even the location of school, will affect the job seeking. For instance, graduates of computer science often have more chance to be employed to the ones of history, and a college located in a large city will attract more attention from employers than the one in the nearby country. The arguer asserts the reason is that Mira Vista College lacks enough business courses and job counselors just an assumption without logical supporting（这句读起来不通顺，建议换成The reason the arguer asserts that MVC… is just an assumption）.

Given there are quite a lot of elements inflecting employment situation, the suggestion of the memorandum is doubtable, too. Will the（去掉） more courses in
business and computer technology and additional job counselors help graduates from Mira Vista College find satisfied(satisfying) jobs easier or sooner（好像没见过soon的比较级，用more quickly如何？）There is no a certain answer(no在这里就是充当冠词的吧？). Maybe the point is that the Mira Vista College is a normal college and there are enough teachers in the state（这句没看懂）; or, to the opposite, the Mira Vista College is(has) already focus(ed) on business and computer while it lacks enough courses to train the communication skills of students.
最后一句中的两个他因第一个没看懂，第二个他因有些发散了，感觉那句no certain answer说的不好，不能强有力的表达你对suggestion的反驳

In the absent of equal comparison and logic, this memorandum is skeptical. To strengthen the assertion, the arguer should provide more information about the employment situation of these two school(schools) as well as other related factors, such as the setting of majors and courses, the locations. Moreover, further discussing(discussion) of measures to help graduates improve their levels to find jobs should be made(这句里有两个to，那谓语呢).

总结：
1 楼主字数挺多，文笔很流畅，如果是在30分钟内完成的就很厉害了；
2 关于他因的一点看法：我觉得argument不怎么要求对论点展开，关键是要支出作者的论据能否有效支持他的论点，其中的问题在哪里（也有可能是论点或者论据本身就错了）；
3 对于本文，我觉得最大的攻击点有两个，第一是校长没有详细了解市场需求，这个背景信息对于学生就业非常重要；另一个是校长只是表面的比较了两个学校去年毕业生就业情况，没有提及两个学校是否有差异。楼主对于第二点的论述比较详细，但可能忽视了第一点的重要性，因为你只是在第三段提及了学校的对策有问题，并没有提到外部市场需求的问题。我个人认为了解外部市场需求才是最重要的，如果雇主对MVC学生的能力要求和GMC学生不一样（例如MVC是商科而GMC偏理科），那么校长提到的所有的东西都是有问题的，因为他在拼命拿GMC说事，是吧？
Anyway，我没写过这篇文章，水平有限，说得不对的地方还请多包涵^_^

PS: 不要直接用word黏贴，会导致很多单词拼到一起。先贴到文本文件里或贴到帖子的源代码里；

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