寄托天下 寄托天下
寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托学术类备考版 › GRE作文互动版 › 锤先森G330__issue习作集合贴
123456下一页
返回列表
楼主: 锤先森G330
打印 上一主题 下一主题

[习作点评] 锤先森G330__issue习作集合贴 [复制链接]

锤先森G330
UID：3603995

Rank: 4

声望
134
寄托币
646
注册时间
2015-3-20
精华
0
帖子
151
31楼
发表于 2015-6-14 13:23:59 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-6-14 14:15 编辑

Argument 31

Thefollowing appeared in the summary of a study on headaches suffered by theresidents of Mentia.        

Salicylates are members of thesame chemical family as aspirin, a medicine used to treat headaches. Althoughmany foods are naturally rich in salicylates, for the past several decades,food-processing companies have also been adding salicylates to foods aspreservatives. This rise in the commercial use of salicylates has been foundto correlate with a steady decline in the average number of headaches reportedby participants in our twenty-year study. Recently, food-processingcompanies have found that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives forfoods. With this new use for salicylates, we can expect a continued steadydecline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen ofMentia.        

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions ofthe argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptionsand what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions proveunwarranted.


写作时间30分钟  感觉写的有点短


段落句子动作分析内容点评句子点评
1The author  assumes that the new use of salicylates will decrease the number of people  who suffer from headache.概括作者观点

The  author assumes that the new use of salicylates will decrease the number of  people who suffer from headache.具体说明作者的三个观点我觉得你对assumption这个概念的理解有问题
不是什么都可以当做assumption 你这里讲的明显是结论啊
Then the author points out that the rise in the commercial use of  salicylates has negative linear relationship with the number of people who  catch headache.

Finally, the author draws his or her conclusion with the evidence  that the salicylates can be used as a kind of food flavors.

However,  some of the author’s assumptions are unwarranted and thus prevent us to  correctly evaluate his or her argument.小结不要说假设不成立 而是需要去调查
2To begin with,  the author’s conclusion is based on the assumption that the salicylates have  the same medical effects as aspirin, a medicine that can cure headache. TS1
这个appositive用的挺好
However, this consumption is unconvincing, because although  salicylates and aspirins are in the same chemical family, no evidence or  research is mentioned in the argument shows that salicylates do have the  ability to cure headache.说明逻辑错误
that shows that 句子结构问题
Maybe they are just in the same chemical family while have totally  different effects on headache.指出另一种可能或者后果

Consequently,  the argument can’t be convincing if the salicylates can’t cure headache at  all.另一种可能的结果

3Further, even  if the salicylates have the same medical effects as aspirin, the second  assumption that a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported  by participants was due to the rising use of salicylates is also needed to be  reevaluate. TS2
reevaluated
The author also doesn’t talk anything that can prove the rising  use of salicylates is the only factor that cause the declination of headache  people.逻辑错误
talk 选词
causes
decline - number of people who ...
Therefore, there are some other factors that might also lower the  number of headache people, such as the change of climate or environment. 另一种可能的结果

Accordingly, the new use of salicylates might just be a minor way  to lower the number of headache people.后果
minor way? 不懂
4Finally, even  the decrease of headache people was indeed caused by the increasing  commercial use of salicylates, a continued steady decline in the number of  headaches suffered by people might still can’t happen.TS3
decreasing number of ...
might can't- 用法错误
The author assumes that the salicylates is an efficient way to  cure headache permanently.指出assumption感觉这个点离题甚远 建议去看看我的范文吧
However, the author doesn’t give any evidence to attest this  either.指出逻辑问题

To illustrate, after a certain time period, salicylates might lost  its effectiveness to cure headache because of the influence from other  factors. 指出另一种可能或者后果

In other words, the number of people who have headache in Mentia  might rise again.

Therefore we need more information about the salicylates in order  to correctly evaluate the author’s argument.小结

使用道具 举报

锤先森G330
UID：3603995

Rank: 4

声望
134
寄托币
646
注册时间
2015-3-20
精华
0
帖子
151
32楼
发表于 2015-6-16 00:10:59 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-6-16 01:01 编辑

65) Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and to disobey and resist unjust laws.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.


段落句子动作内容点评句子点评
1Personally, I think that it’s  our responsibility to obey both laws and unjust laws, because obeying laws is  essential for the stability and prosperity of our society.表明观点

However,  I also hold the view that the citizens can resist unjust laws in a peaceful,  legal and democratic way if laws are not reasonable.表明观点2将disobey和resist分开是一个很机智的做法
2To begin with, it is the every  individual’s responsibility and obligation to obey the laws that are  considered just by the entire society, because just laws protect each  person’s own interests and the benefits of the whole society from damaging.TS1
from damaging 表达
To  illustrate, the Road Traffic Safety Law in China requires that people can’t  drive cars if they are exhausted or drink wine.例子

This law  is a just law as everyone has the equal personal safety rights when he or she  is walking on the road. 说明公平性

Consequently, this law can  protect our own personal safety right from being damaged by others, and thus  we should undoubtedly obey it.小结例子

3Further, although sometimes the  justice of some laws is questionable, the individuals should still obey the  laws as these laws lay the foundation for the stability of the society or the  normal operation of the government. TS2

For  instance, China has vast land and economy development in west area is  relatively lagged.举一个不公正法律的例子，这里指的是中国的资源分配法律

However,  according to the laws of Chinese government, the distribution of natural  resource that rich in west province of China has to be done by Chinese  government, which means that anyone who gets these resource without official  permission will be punished.
done- 改为distributed
However,  if these west provinces mentioned above can get these resource for commercial  use, residents in these area will have a much wealthy life.这里应该强调这个法律是unjust
But for  the reason of maintaining a fast development of the whole country, people  still have to obey this rule nowadays.

The rate of the whole  society’s development will be lowered and lots of tricky social conflicts  will arise if people don’t obey this rule anymore.指出违法的后果这句后面加一个总结会更好
4Finally, some people may hold  the view that what can we do about the unjust laws if all people obey the  laws.TS3 解决异议
that what can we do about the unjust laws 词序

some people may worry that unjust laws will harm the society in the long term if people obey them
As far  as I am concerned, I hold the view that citizens should voice their concerns  to the government in a legal way, which might let the government to revise  the unjust laws.提出另一种做法
重复
For  example, people can express their ideas about revising the laws by publish  some articles through newspaper, or organize some legally aggregations or  demonstrations to place pressure on the government.举例子

Ultimately,  the government might accept the public idea and abolish the unjust laws by  establishing just ones.

5To sum, all people in our  society should obey the laws, because obeying laws will ensure an  individual’s interests and lay the foundation for the stability of the  society. 总结

However,  people can also use some legal ways to encourage the revise of law if the  laws they have is unjust.



感觉你这篇算写得比较好的  
虽然非正义的法律的例子略显牵强 但是句子间的连贯 通过例子说明观点等等 都做得不错  

使用道具 举报

锤先森G330
UID：3603995

Rank: 4

声望
134
寄托币
646
注册时间
2015-3-20
精华
0
帖子
151
33楼
发表于 2015-7-13 21:33:10 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 锤先森G330 于 2015-7-17 21:19 编辑

Issue 15
Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

2015/7/13 22:00-22:35
My response:

I disagree with the statement that students should be fostered by educational institutions to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers. On the one hand, educational institutions can’t have the ability to guarantee what career they recommend to students will be lucrative. On the other hand, students might lose their chance to enjoy their future work or studies with the hope of lucrative careers. While what the educational institutions do might increase their chance to have more outstanding alumni, this policy might cause the unevenly distribution of educational resource.
fostered选词
do not have the ability
what career they recommend to students will be lucrative句子结构
outstanding - wealthy
resources


To begin with, there are many factors other than a certain career itself that determine whether a person’s career is lucrative. From an individual’s perspective, generally speaking, getting a high salary job requires people who have enough knowledge, necessary skills, sense of competition and cooperation and so on. From a macroscopic perspective, whether a certain career is lucrative is determined by the policy, the development of science and technology and even the world market. For instance, disk making used to be a flourish industry, but because of the development of multimedia during recent years, it’s suffering from increasingly severe depression. Consequently, no one can know that whether a career will be lucrative all the time. In other words, the concept that students can be prepared for lucrative careers is nothing but a wishful thinking.

the government policy
flourishing
concept- idea/ notion/ assumption


Further, students might lose their chance to study what they really like, and this is another reason that this policy is impractical. To illustrate, the reason why a person can have so called “lucrative careers” is not only he or she is hard-working but also he or she has genuine interests in the field. In other words, students might have trouble in doing their works or concentrating on their studies without certain genius. Therefore, their performance in academic or work can’t meet even the basic requirement of their fields, not to mention making huge success in them. In addition, even they try their best to do their jobs, they may not enjoy their work and thus lack the job satisfaction, which makes the “lucrative careers” meaningless.

reason why ...
genius? talents/ gift
can't - might not (hedging)


Finally, some people might hold the view that fostering their students to choose fields that will get them prepared for lucrative will increase the number of outstanding alumni, who will enhance the reputation of the schools and donate money to the institutions. Admittedly having famous alumni do have some benefits for the school, what is overlooked in the reasoning is that teachers might be required to put more efforts on cultivating students that have more possibility to have lucrative career rather than treat every student evenly. Accordingly, this is unfair for other students.

famous/ outstanding 和lucrative这个词 不够紧贴
evenly - equally  
这个point 挺好



To sum up, while it is reasonable that educational institutions might want to foster their students to get prepared for lucrative careers by choosing a certain major, this policy is still helpless. For one thing, the institutions can’t guarantee the so-called “lucrative careers”; for another thing, students might not enjoy the happiness of their work, which makes the “lucrative careers” meaningless. In addition, this policy might also lead to the unevenly distribution of the educational resource.


uneven 词性

写的挺好
注意表达的问题
有些句型写得不错

有时间写点心得体会


2015/7/17 21:17 2nd edition
I disagree with the statement that students should be encouraged by educational institutions to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers. On the one hand, educational institutions don’t have the ability to guarantee the career they recommend to students is lucrative. On the other hand, students might lose their chance to enjoy their future work or studies with the hope of lucrative careers. While what the educational institutions do might increase their chance to have more wealthy alumni, this policy might cause the unevenly distribution of educational resources.

To begin with, there are many factors other than a certain career itself that determine whether a person’s career is lucrative. From an individual’s perspective, generally speaking, getting a high salary job requires people who have enough knowledge, necessary skills, sense of competition and cooperation and so on. From a macroscopic perspective, whether a certain career is lucrative is determined by the government policy, the development of science and technology and even the world market. For instance, disk making used to be a flourishing industry, but because of the development of multimedia during recent years, it’s suffering from increasingly severe depression. Consequently, no one can know that whether a career will be lucrative all the time. In other words, the assumption that students can be prepared for lucrative careers is nothing but a wishful thinking.

Further, students might lose their chance to study what they really like, and this is another reason why this policy is impractical. To illustrate, the reason why a person can have so called “lucrative careers” is not only he or she is hard-working but also he or she has talents in the field. In other words, students might have trouble in doing their works or concentrating on their studies without certain genius. Therefore, their performance in academic or work might not meet even the basic requirement of their fields, not to mention making huge success in them. In addition, even they try their best to do their jobs, they may not enjoy their work and thus lack the job satisfaction, which makes the “lucrative careers” meaningless.

Finally, some people might hold the view that fostering their students to choose fields that will get them prepared for lucrative will increase the number of wealthy alumni, who will enhance the reputation of the schools and donate money to the institutions. Admittedly having famous alumni do have some benefits for the school, what is overlooked in the reasoning is that teachers might be required to put more efforts on cultivating students that have more possibility to have lucrative career rather than treat every student equally. Accordingly, this is unfair for other students.

To sum up, while it is reasonable that educational institutions might want to foster their students to get prepared for lucrative careers by choosing a certain major, this policy is still helpless. For one thing, the institutions can’t guarantee the so-called “lucrative careers”; for another thing, students might not enjoy the happiness of their work, which makes the “lucrative careers” meaningless. In addition, this policy might also lead to the uneven distribution of the educational resource.

修改心得：
1. 有些词用的不是很合适，还是要多加积累
2. 各个分论点和主旨关系要紧密，是不是最好带有主旨词效果或更好一点？

使用道具 举报

锤先森G330
UID：3603995

Rank: 4

声望
134
寄托币
646
注册时间
2015-3-20
精华
0
帖子
151
34楼
发表于 2015-7-14 21:45:22 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 锤先森G330 于 2015-7-21 20:20 编辑

Argument 32

32)The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-jobaccidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shiftsare one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributingfactors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation amongworkers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot andthereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shiftsby one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions ofthe argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptionsand what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions proveunwarranted.



2015/7/14 21:05-21:32

My response:


The vice president of Quiot Manufacturing suggests that the factory should reduce the number of on-the-job accidents and henceenhance productivity by shorting the each individual’s work time so that theycan get enough amount of sleep. However, there are some assumptions about thecause of on-the-job accident, the relationship between the amount of sleep andfatigue have to be reexamined in order to evaluate the arguments correctly.


注意单词间空格shortening 不是shorting
there be句型错误 而且只有两个方面的assumption？



To begin with, the author of the argumentsuggests that the reason why Quiot Manufacturing had more on-the-job accidentsthan Panoply Industries is that the workers in Panoply have less working hours,which is based on the assumption that the more free times the workers have, thefewer accidents they will cause. However, the president overlooked otherfactors that also might cause on-the-job accidents. To illustrate, maybe thework done by employees in the Quiot Manufacturing is much harder and moredangerous than the work in Panoply. And this might indicates that the workers inQuiot have more possibility to cause accidents. From this perspective, shortingthe work time is useless if the president of Quiot want to lower the number ofaccidents.


主题句太长了  考虑精简一下
might also
have more possibility搭配
注意hedging  
shortingthe work time is useless 这话说得太绝对了  




Further, the author also assumes that bydeclining the work shifts, employees will get adequate amounts of sleep, which isalso unconvincing, either. The author ignores other factors that can haveimpact on an individual’s sleeping time. For instance, the living habit mayalso play a role in determining a person’s sleeping time. Maybe workers getused to going sleep until very late, even if they have shorter work time. In addition,maybe they also have some part-time jobs to do after work, which means that eventhey have more free time in Quiot, they still have to do other works and thushave insufficient sleep. Apparently, reducing the amount of work hour can’tincrease the employees’ work time and thus becomes useless for decreasing thenumber of work accidents.



which isalso unconvincing 这个说法不对 你的任务是指出假设 然后讨论其他可能性 你并不知道假设是否成立  
getused to going sleep until very late表达
Apparently, reducing the amount of work hour can’tincrease the employees’ work time 还是hedging问题
之前没有提出过这个问题么




Finally, the author points out that thenumber of accidents will be lowered after employees get enough sleep, which isbased on the assumption that the number of accidents and the amount of sleephave negative linear relationship. However, other factors might also influence theamount of accidents. For instance, maybe the workers of the Quiot don’t have enoughtraining course before they starting their job, or the machine in the Quiot istoo old to ensure the operator’s safety. Hence, if these factors do makecontribution to increasing the number of on-the-job accidents, therecommendation of the president is unjustifiable.  


the number of accidents and the amount of sleephave negative linear relationship 这个说法文科出生的考官未必钟意

你单词之间不空格让我读得好费力


总的来说还可以

hedging 的问题 和否定原argument的问题要注意



写作心得：

1 注意题目的instruction  时隔三个月愈发意识到一战之前犯的错误之严重，可能很大程度上没有审题和语言表达决定了难逃3分的命运；

2 Argument套路运用的逐渐熟练，让写作变得慢慢顺手了，今天写了27分钟




2015/7/17 21:32 2nd edition
修改心得
1 重新复制文章，解决空格问题
2 写argument要注意多多使用表达可能性的情态动词，语气不能太绝对

My response:
The vice president of Quiot Manufacturing suggests that the factory should reduce the number of on-the-job accidents and hence enhance productivity by shortening the each individual’s work time so that they can get enough amount of sleep. However, some assumptions, include the cause of on-the-job accident, the relationship between the amount of sleep and fatigue and the result of making the change mentioned in the memo, have to be reexamined in order to evaluate the arguments correctly.

To begin with, the author of the argument suggests that the reason why Quiot Manufacturing had had more on-the-job accidents is that the workers in Quiot have more working hours, which is based on the assumption that the more free times the workers have, the fewer accidents they will cause. However, the president overlooked other factors that might also cause on-the-job accidents. To illustrate, maybe the work done by employees in the Quiot Manufacturing is much harder and more dangerous than the work in Panoply. And this might indicates that the workers in Quiot are more likely to cause accidents. From this perspective, shortening the work time might be useless if the president of Quiot want to lower the number of accidents.
感觉这里主旨句不太好精简啊…尽可能把能合并的都合并了

Further, the author also assumes that by declining the work shifts, employees will get adequate amounts of sleep. The author ignores other factors that can have impact on an individual’s sleeping time. For instance, the lifestyles may also play a role in determining a person’s sleeping time. Maybe workers are used to going sleep until very late, even if they have shorter work time. In addition, maybe they also have some part-time jobs to do after work, which means that even they have more free time in Quiot, they still have to do other works and thus have insufficient sleep. Accordingly, reducing the amount of work hour perhaps couldn’t increase the employees’ work time and thus might becomes useless for decreasing the number of work accidents.

Finally, the author points out that the number of accidents will be lowered after employees get enough sleep, which is based on the assumption that the number of accidents and the amount of sleep have negative linear relationship. However, other factors might also influence the amount of accidents. For instance, maybe the workers of the Quiot don’t have enough training course before they starting their job, or the machine in the Quiot is too old to ensure the operator’s safety. Hence, if these factors do make contribution to increasing the number of on-the-job accidents, the recommendation of the president is unjustifiable.
我记得之前好像在张雷东翻译的北美范文那本书里看到过所谓的“正相关”， “负相关”一类的说法。。

使用道具 举报

ally1213
UID：2948121

Rank: 4

声望
95
寄托币
678
注册时间
2010-11-5
精华
0
帖子
126
35楼
发表于 2015-7-14 22:20:01 |只看该作者
锤先森G330 发表于 2015-7-14 21:45
32)The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past y ...

除了该空格的没空格以外，觉得最大问题就是句子太长会不知道在讲什么，有时候很长一句话可以分成两句。简单的句子没关系，更容易懂。

第一段
The vice president of Quiot Manufacturing suggeststhat the factory should reduce the number of on-the-job accidents and henceenhance productivity by shorting the each individual’s work time so that theycan get enough amount of sleep. 断句
However, there are some assumptions about thecause of on-the-job accident, the relationship between the amount of sleep andfatigue have to be reexamined in order to evaluate the arguments correctly.

Assumptions about ...need to be reexamined in order to evaluate...

第二段
To begin with, the author of the argumentsuggests that the reason why Quiot Manufacturing had more on-the-job accidentsthan Panoply Industries is that the workers in Panoply have less working hours,which is based on the assumption that the more free times the workers have, thefewer accidents they will cause. 断句

第三段
Living habit是中文习惯说法。lifestyle之类好点
已有 1 人评分声望 收起 理由
tesolchina + 5 赞一个

总评分: 声望 + 5   查看全部投币

使用道具 举报

锤先森G330
UID：3603995

Rank: 4

声望
134
寄托币
646
注册时间
2015-3-20
精华
0
帖子
151
36楼
发表于 2015-7-15 20:29:07 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 锤先森G330 于 2015-7-21 20:19 编辑

Issue 13
13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.


2015/7/15 19:42-20:15
In this day and age, there are increasing number of universities require their students to study courses outside the student’s field of study. Some people hold the view that this requirement is unnecessary, because these courses are useless in the students’ future. Yet some people support the idea, as they think student have to handle different knowledge in order to become more competitive. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the decision of the school aforementioned, because if students can use their time effectively, taking a varieties of students will help students study their own major better and better know the world we live in.

day and age没见过
there be句型经典错误啊
handle different knowledge 搭配
better and better know这里有歧义


To begin with, taking a varieties of lessons outside a person’s major will help him or her study the major effectively. Because the more kinds of lessons someone takes, the more perspective someone has and therefore there might be more effective solutions when he or she encounters with problems in their own majors. To illustrate, an economic major student might have to deal with lots of data during his or her research work, which is arduous if someone does it by him/herself. However, if this student is good at using the advanced software in the computer, processing thousands of data might just takes his or her a few minutes, which enables him or her to finish the work in a much shorter time. Consequently, taking courses of other areas can enhance the study efficiency of a student’s major.


because和therefore一般不会同时用  整句话结构要调整  


Further, students can know our world better if they can have courses outside their own major, which might also useful when it comes to make decision. For instance, it’s necessary for students who study economy to study some political courses. Because it can help know the development of the society and thus sometimes can help them make a good investment. Takes the stock market investment as an example, 断句if someone lacks enough knowledge of the politics, he or she might be failed constantly in making investment, because the stock market is largely influenced by the policies or decisions that made by government. Accordingly, from this perspective, it’s good for students to study lessons outside their own major.


你的主题句的意思有点模糊  你需要有一个更明确的中心
our world - the world
might also be useful
comes to making decisions
study economics  
take some ... courses  
might be failed 动词形式



Finally, the reason why some people don’t agree with this statement is that studying course outside of students’ major will occupy lots of their time and therefore they can’t study their own major well. From my perspective, with the development of the technology, students can rely on new methods to study, which will enable them to study the same course more effectively. Contrary to the previous students who had to take class in classroom, students nowadays can study at anywhere and anytime if they have an iPad. In addition, the reason why many students suggest they don’t have enough time to study is that they spend too much time in playing computer games or their mobile phones. Hence it’s safe to say that they have enough time to study other courses if they can use their time more wisely.


is that这里要注意hedging / may be that ...  
为什么有了新技术就能解决占用时间的问题呢   
第二个理由也不太好  不够convincing




To sum up, learning courses outside students’ own major is necessary for them. On the one hand, this will help them study their own major more effectively. On the other hand, it will help them better know the world and might also helpful when they have to make decisions. In addition, time can’t be a problem if students can better utilize their time.


2015/7/18 19:14   2nd edition
这一篇是最后一篇修改的，还是要注意断句问题，以及typo,和小的表达错误。每段要体现中心。

To sum up, learning courses outside students’ own major is necessary for them. On the one hand, this will help them study their own major more effectively. On the other hand, it will help them better know the world and might also helpful when they have to make decisions. In addition, time can’t be a problem if students can better utilize their time.


In this day and age, the number of universities that require their students to study courses outside the student’s field of study is enhancing rapidly. Some people hold the view that this requirement is unnecessary, because these courses are useless in the students’ future. Yet some people support the idea, as they think student have to grasp different knowledge in order to become more competitive. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the decision of the school aforementioned, because if students can use their time effectively, taking a varieties of students will help students study their own major and know the world we live in much better.

To begin with, taking a varieties of lessons outside a person’s major will help him or her study the major effectively. Because the more kinds of lessons someone takes, the more perspective someone has. Therefore, there might be more effective solutions when he or she encounters with problems in their own majors. To illustrate, an economic major student might have to deal with lots of data during his or her research work, which is arduous if someone does it by him/herself. However, if this student is good at using the advanced software in the computer, processing thousands of data might just takes his or her a few minutes, which enables him or her to finish the work in a much shorter time. Consequently, taking courses of other areas can enhance the study efficiency of a student’s major.

Further, students can know the world better if they can have courses outside their own major, which might also be useful when it comes to making decisions. For instance, it’s necessary for students who study economics to take some political courses. Because it can help know the development of the society and thus sometimes can help them make a good investment. Takes the stock market investment as an example, if someone lacks enough knowledge of the politics, he or she might fail constantly in making investment, because the stock market is largely influenced by the policies or decisions that made by government. Accordingly, from this perspective, it’s good for students to study lessons outside their own major.
这一段写主题句的时候拿捏了很久不知道写什么合适，本来想让主题句代表一个方面而不至于过于片面，根据王老师的意见感觉这一段貌似得做很大的调整才能有真正意义的核心啊，我自己写的还是不到位感觉

Finally, the reason why some people don’t agree with this statement might be that studying course outside of students’ major will occupy lots of their time and therefore they can’t study their own major well. From my perspective, with the development of the technology, students can rely on new methods to study, which will enable them to study the same course more effectively because they can acquire knowledge by utilizing the resource on the Internet without waiting for teacher to teach it. Contrary to the previous students who had to take class in classroom, students nowadays can study at anywhere and anytime if they have an iPad. In addition, the reason why many students suggest they don’t have enough time to study is that they spend too much time on playing computer games or their mobile phones. Hence it’s safe to say that they have enough time to study other courses if they can use their time more wisely.
修改的时候补充了一句，因为新科技可以让学生们利用网络上的资源而不用等着老师来教，最后一个例子说实话我看到老师的评语有点意外，我觉得根据我的生活经验，抱怨时间不够的学生，很大程度上是玩电子产品所导致占用时间太多，这种所谓的社会调查屡见不鲜，我原以为应该是一个很普遍的现象，所以在这里还想和老师讨论一下这个例子的取舍问题，因此在这里暂时不对这一部分进行修改。

To sum up, learning courses outside students’ own major is necessary for them. On the one hand, this will help them study their own major more effectively. On the other hand, it will help them better know the world and might also helpful when they have to make decisions. In addition, time can’t be a problem if students can better utilize their time.

使用道具 举报

dingchenchen
UID：3602968

Rank: 4

声望
156
寄托币
402
注册时间
2015-3-16
精华
0
帖子
118

美国offer勋章

37楼
发表于 2015-7-15 21:33:05 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 dingchenchen 于 2015-7-15 21:40 编辑
锤先森G330 发表于 2015-7-15 20:29
13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's fie ...

你好
总体来说你的作文比较好，语言总体挺流畅，句型多变，文章结构也挺好，学习了~

下面是我看出来的一点小问题：
第二段
To illustrate, an economic major student might have to deal with lots of data during his or her research work, which is arduous if someone does it by him/herself.

which is arduous if someone does it by him/herself这句我感觉表达有点不清晰，自己用什么东西处理数据
如果写成……which is arduous if someone does it without advanced software that ……句子又好长啊。


第三段
Further, students can know hour world better if they can have courses outside their own major,
笔误
第四段
In addition, the reason why many students suggest they don’t have enough time to study is that they spend too much time on playing computer games or their mobile phones.

应该去掉on吧
spend in doing sth
spend on sth



已有 1 人评分声望 收起 理由
锤先森G330 + 1 谢谢评价，有问题之处一定认真改正~~

总评分: 声望 + 1   查看全部投币

使用道具 举报

锤先森G330
UID：3603995

Rank: 4

声望
134
寄托币
646
注册时间
2015-3-20
精华
0
帖子
151
38楼
发表于 2015-7-16 20:32:07 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 锤先森G330 于 2015-7-21 20:18 编辑

Argument 85
85) In a study of the reading habits of Waymarsh citizens conducted by the University of Waymarsh, most respondents said that they preferred literary classics as reading material. However, a second study conducted by the same researchers found that the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Waymarsh was the mystery novel. Therefore, it can be concluded that the respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

2015/7/16 19:45-20:10
My response:

The author of the argument points out the subjects in the first study misrepresented their reading habits. However, there are some evidence is needed to evaluate the argument correctly, which includes the evidence of the number of books and the people’s reading time of each type of books, the reading habit of the people and more detailed information about the survey.

汗 there be句型错误
整句话结构错误 包括后面的不定式
evidence of   - information about


Firstly, we need to know the number of classical books in the libraries that are available to the readers. Maybe the public libraries in Waymarsh actually don’t have a large number of classical books while what they have more is mystery novel. Therefore, it’s natural that the mystery books became the kind of book that had been checked out with the highest frequency. In addition, we also have to know the average time that a person need to finish reading a classical book and a mystery novel. If people have to finish reading a classical book for a much longer time, the borrowing frequency of the classical books might also be lower than the frequency of mystery novel.

一开始的主题句并没有概括全段的内容 当然 只要这段的内容是相关的 没有概括问题夜不是很大
这段整体来说写得还可以


Further, it’s also necessary for us to know the reading habit of the people in Waymarsh. To illustrate, perhaps the people live in Waymarsh love buying their favorite books to read rather than borrowing them from the libraries. And this might have a great impact on the borrowing frequency of the classical book if the classical book is the most popular book among Waymarsh people. Plus, people nowadays may have access to read books online as many classical books are permitted to spread on the Internet without copyright protection. Consequently, the people in Waymarsh might also read their favorite classical books online without borrowing from the libraries if they prefer to read through Internet.

这个主题句应该是跟我的范文写的吧 其实这样写不够准确 因为上段也有内容涉及到阅读习惯 这里应该概括为 sources of books更好
live in Waymarsh－  living in Waymarsh  
if the classical book is the most popular book among Waymarsh people.这里和上句衔接有问题
have access to read books 你的表达问题不小


Finally, we also need to know more information about the two survey. For instance, we’d better know the number of subjects that participated in the two survey. The conclusion of the two survey might not be convincing if there were just few subjects took part in it, as they may not be able to represent the reading habit of the whole population. Meanwhile, we have to know the method that researchers used in the first experiment in order to know which kind of book people like to read more. Maybe the questionnaire that used by the researchers didn’t include all types of books, 断句问题 therefore people had to choose their favorite books among limited types. People can reflect their preference precisely only when the questionnaire covers all types of books in the world.

怎么会有two surveys
there be 句型  
in the first experiment哪里有experiment
断句问题  



2015/7/18 17:15 2nd edition

修改心得
1 第一次交作业的时候没有仔细检查，没想到这么多typo....比如have access to doing, living in 这样的低级错误，下次输入时会更加细致；
2 断句问题会更加注意，避免太多长句子的出现，注意表述的准确性，比如最后一段的错误 survey和experiment等的误用都是看完argument在写作时印象模糊而没有及时回查导致的。

My response:

The author of the argument points out the subjects in the first study misrepresented their reading habits. However, we still need some extra evidence in order to evaluate the argument correctly. The information we need includes  the number of books and the people’s reading time of each type of books, the reading habit of the people and more detailed information about the survey.
这里的there be绝对是一个绝对低级的错误，开头这么蠢感觉好不应该，下次不会了

Firstly, we need to know the number of classical books in the libraries that are available to the readers. Maybe the public libraries in Waymarsh actually don’t have a large number of classical books while what they have more is mystery novel. Therefore, it’s natural that the mystery books became the kind of book that had been checked out with the highest frequency. In addition, we also have to know the average time that a person need to finish reading a classical book and a mystery novel. If people have to finish reading a classical book for a much longer time, the borrowing frequency of the classical books might also be lower than the frequency of mystery novel.

Further, it’s also necessary for us to know the favorite reading resource of the people in Waymarsh. To illustrate, perhaps the people living in Waymarsh love buying their favorite books to read rather than borrowing them from the libraries. And this might have a great impact on the borrowing frequency of the classical book if the majority of welcomed classical books are bought by Waymarsh people for reading. Plus, people nowadays may have access to reading books online as many classical books are permitted to spread on the Internet without copyright protection. Consequently, the people in Waymarsh might also read their favorite classical books online without borrowing from the libraries if they prefer to read through Internet.

Finally, we also need to know more information about the two studies. For instance, we’d better know the number of subjects that participated in the first study. The conclusion of the survey might not be convincing if only few subjects took part in it, as they may not be able to represent the reading habit of the whole population. Meanwhile, we have to know the method that researchers used in the first study in order to know which kind of book people like to read more. Maybe the questionnaire that used by the researchers didn’t include all types of books. Therefore people had to choose their favorite books among limited types. And people can reflect their preference precisely only when the questionnaire covers all types of books in the world.

使用道具 举报

锤先森G330
UID：3603995

Rank: 4

声望
134
寄托币
646
注册时间
2015-3-20
精华
0
帖子
151
39楼
发表于 2015-7-20 23:17:58 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-7-22 12:16 编辑

Issue 91
91) The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.  

My response:
2015/7/20 22:41-23:08

As far as I am concerned, I agree with the statement that the technological advancement should be to increase people’s efficiency while I disagree with the statement that the primary goal of the technological advancement is to enable people have more leisure time. Whether the development of technology will let people have more free time is depended on the type of people.

is depended on 这个错误好像不是第一次了吧


To begin with, for the elderly people, the advancement of technology will increase their efficiency, 断句therefore, they can have more free time. To illustrate, old people don’t have to go to work every day and what they have to do in their daily life is just some basic chores, like washing clothes or cooking. Fortunately, the development of the science and technology provides them with many modern facilities, such as washing machine and cooking robot. Consequently, they can finish doing chores in a much shorter time, which means that the technology development increase their efficiency. And thus they can have more leisure time because they might not have other work to do.
cooking robot这是啥？
the goals should be 这个问题没有讨论  

Further, for the people who study in school, technological advancement will enhance their study efficiency while might not let them have more free time. Compared with previous students, modern students have more accesses to getting knowledge. If they have some problems in their study, what they have to do is just utilizing their mobile phone or iPad and searching the solution on the Internet. In addition, teachers can using slides rather than writing on the blackboard to teach their lesson. As the result, the development of technology do increase the students’ study efficiency. However, another result is, teachers might require students to study more, which means that students might have to study more courses in a semester. Accordingly, in order to study well, they might not have much free time in the end.

while might not let them have more free time这里while用得不对 but好些
previous students- students in pre-modern society
more accesses to getting knowledge - 不懂你的意思
teachers can using 语法
As the result - as a result
However, another result is, teachers might require  为什么会有这个结果  
Accordingly- consequently


Finally, for the scientists and researchers, the advancement of technology will also increase their work efficiency yet decrease their leisure time. For instance, the development of computer science let physiologists get rid of arduous calculating work, which indicates that physiologists don’t have to spend much time in calculating anymore. And thus the development of technology do increase their work efficiency. Yet scientists now have to put much efforts on analyzing the results that emerge in the calculating process than ever before, which is an even more time-consuming job. Therefore, scientists might have less free time from this perspective.

let physiologists get rid of arduous calculating work, which indicates that 改写
不要老是用let sb do something
with the develooment of computing technologies, more powerful computing tools can be used ...
不要用indicate 另起一句
from this perspective 这里不合适



To sum up, the development of technology indeed increase the people’s efficiency. However, not all the people will have more leisure time as the result. On the one hand, elderly people who don’t many work to do, they will have more free time as the result. On the other hand, students and scientists might have even less free time because of the development of technology.

many work 不可数
as the result. - as a result




使用道具 举报

锤先森G330
UID：3603995

Rank: 4

声望
134
寄托币
646
注册时间
2015-3-20
精华
0
帖子
151
40楼
发表于 2015-7-21 20:17:54 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-7-23 06:37 编辑

Argument 54
54) Humans arrived in the Kaliko Islands about 7,000 years ago, and within 3,000 years most of the large mammal species that had lived in the forests of the Kaliko Islands had become extinct. Yet humans cannot have been a factor in the species' extinctions, because there is no evidence that the humans had any significant contact with the mammals. Further, archaeologists have discovered numerous sites where the bones of fish had been discarded, but they found no such areas containing the bones of large mammals, so the humans cannot have hunted the mammals. Therefore, some climate change or other environmental factor must have caused the species' extinctions.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


2015/7/21 19:30-20:01
My response；

The author of the argument points out that the species’ extinctions in Kaliko Islands couldn’t be caused by humans. And the author’s conclusion is based on a series of assumptions, which cover the contact between human and mammals, the hunting behavior of humans and the environmental change. We need to reexamine these assumptions in order to evaluate the author’s argument correctly.

结论部分原作者的语气是肯定的 所以这里hedge未必合适咯
cover和assumption搭配不合适
correctly- critically

To begin with, the author of the argument states that the human couldn’t cause the extinction of large mammal species in the Kaliko Islands by pointing out that there is no evidence shows any essential contact between human and mammals. And this is based on the assumption that the absence of contact means there is no such contact. However, extinctions of mammal species happened at least 4000 years ago, which indicates that the evidence of extinction might exist but couldn’t be discovered by people right now. It’s possible that the geological structure of the Kaliko Islands has changed significantly during the past years, and the evidence of mammal extinction has been buried so deep that people might not have the ability to detect them right away. Consequently, the conclusion might be unconvincing if the evidence of the contact do exists.

there be句型错误
essential选词
deeply
does exist


Further, the arguer contends that the reason why human couldn’t have hunted the mammals is that no bone of large mammals has been discovered by people, which is based on the assumption that the absence of bones equals to no hunting behavior from humans. Yet the reason why no bones left in sites where the bones of fish had been discarded might be that the Kaliko hunted large mammals while the bones of mammals have other use for Kaliko people rather than discard them directly. For instance, the local people in Kaliko Island might use these bones to feed their dog, which made the bones couldn’t be seen by people now. Accordingly, the result of the argument might be unreliable if Kaliko people captured mammals and used the bone to feed the dog.

equals to 选词 除了means还可以用什么词 我要再想想
no bone was left  
which made the bones couldn’t be seen by people now这里make用得不好
狗会把骨头啃碎么？  感觉这里提出的可能性略不靠谱


Finally, the author indicates that the mammal extinction in Kaliko Island must be caused by climate change or other environmental factors, which might overlook other factors that could have the same effect on species. For instance, the settlements of humans could be a possible factor that cause the extinction of mammal species. Even if human in Kaliko Island didn’t hunt mammals, the noise they made at night and the islands they occupied might also disturb the mammals’ normal life and influence their reproduction. Hence, the human might still be a main factor of causing extinctions if their life had negative influence on mammals, which means that climate change or environmental factor might not be the only reason that cause the species’ extinctions.

这段没有指出assumption啊
基本思路是 原作者假设了如果不是A造成的就一定是B造成的 但其实有可能是C  
你的思路是对的 但是不提assumption这段就废了

使用道具 举报

bairong
UID：3607808

Rank: 4

声望
146
寄托币
1834
注册时间
2015-4-2
精华
0
帖子
107

2015 US-applicant

41楼
发表于 2015-7-21 21:15:09 |只看该作者
To begin with, the author of the argument states that the human couldn’t cause the extinction of large mammal species in the Kaliko Islands by pointing out that there is no evidence that shows any essential contact between human and mammals. However, extinctions of mammal species happened at least 3000 years ago,which indicates that the evidence of contact might exist but couldn’t be discovered by people right now. It’s possible that the geological structure of the Kaliko Islands has changed significantly during the past years, and the evidence of contact between mammals and humans has been buried so deep that people might not have the ability to detect them right away. Consequently, the conclusion might be unconvincing if the evidence of the contact do exists. （这儿应该是contact的证据不是extinctions的证据吧）
For instance, the local people in Kaliko Island might use these bones to feed their dog, which makes the bones that couldn’t be seen by people now.
Hence, the human might still be a main factor of causing extinctions if their life had negative influence on mammals, which means that climate change or environmental factor might not be the only reason that causes the species’ extinctions.

你好，我是你楼下的小伙伴，红字部分是我改的，仅供参考。如果我没有楼下的小伙伴或者你有时间的话，也可以帮忙看看我的习作哈，谢谢~

使用道具 举报

锤先森G330
UID：3603995

Rank: 4

声望
134
寄托币
646
注册时间
2015-3-20
精华
0
帖子
151
42楼
发表于 2015-7-23 16:51:29 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-7-25 20:14 编辑

62) The following appeared in a memo from the director of a large group of hospitals.

"In a laboratory study of liquid antibacterial hand soaps, a concentrated solution of UltraClean produced a 40 percent greater reduction in the bacteria population than did the liquid hand soaps currently used in our hospitals. During a subsequent test of UltraClean at our hospital in Workby, that hospital reported significantly fewer cases of patient infection than did any of the other hospitals in our group. Therefore, to prevent serious patient infections, we should supply UltraClean at all hand-washing stations throughout our hospital system.”

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

2015/7/23 16:05-16:33
My response:

The author of the argument suggests that people should provide all hand-washing stations throughout our hospital system with UltraClean in order to prevent serious patient infections. To support this idea, the author points out some evidences, which include the result of a laboratory study and a test at hospital. A number of assumptions have been made in the argument, and we need to reexamine these assumptions in order to evaluate this argument critically.

evidence不可数


To begin with, the author of the argument supports his or her statement by citing the result of a laboratory study, which is based on the assumption that the UltraClean will work well in hospital as well as in laboratory. However, maybe the work efficiency of the UltraClean will be greatly influenced by the work environment. Therefore, it might work much worse than the liquid hand soaps in hospitals even if it works better in the laboratory. Consequently, the author’s suggestion might be unwarranted if the UltraClean can’t behavior well in the hospital.

will work well in hospital as well as in laboratory.
will kill bacteria in hospital as effectively as in lab
will be greatly influenced by the work environment. - how?  
注意这里的关键词是concentrated solution


Further, the author suggests that all the hospital system should use UltraClean by saying that the result of a test shows that the hospital who used UltraClean had fewer cases of patient infection. And this suggests that the author assumes that the reason why hospital that used UltraClean had fewer cases of patient infection is that UltraClean can prevent the infections effectively. Unfortunately, other factors might also make contribution to this test result. To illustrate, it’s possible that the cleaners in this hospital were required to clean the hospital more frequently, which might also hamper the occurrence of the infection. Therefore, the author’s suggestion might be unconvincing if the lower rate of infection in the test was caused by factors other than UltraClean.

by saying that 表达
argues that ... based on the results...
And this suggests that (this指代不明） - Here
Unfortunately, - Nevertheless
hamper the occurrence  选词搭配 (reduce the chance)




Finally, the author indicates that in order to prevent serious infections, people should supply UltratClean at all hand-washing stations, which is based on the assumption that UltraClean will be more effective for all kinds of infections than liquid hand soaps. However, the argument doesn’t show the related information. Perhaps the UltraClean only works well when facing the bacteria that used in the laboratory, yet different areas might have different types of bacteria throughout the people’s hospital system. If the UltraClean can’t prevent infections that caused by other bacteria other than those used in laboratory, it’s unnecessary for people to use it at all hand-washing stations, which also means that the author’s suggestion is not compelling.

when facing the bacteria that used in the laboratory 选词 及 句子结构  
这里的关键词是serious  你到后面就没有提到了  


写作备忘：
1. 考虑了hedging的问题
2. 注意回应题目要求，这种形式的题目要求要一定回应出assumption是什么

使用道具 举报

锤先森G330
UID：3603995

Rank: 4

声望
134
寄托币
646
注册时间
2015-3-20
精华
0
帖子
151
43楼
发表于 2015-7-24 17:17:00 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-7-25 21:29 编辑

Issue 78
78) People’s attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by society as a whole.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

2015/7/24 16:28-17:02

My response:

People’s attitudes are determined by many factors, which include the immediate surroundings and the whole society. While some people hold the view that people’s attitudes are determined more by their immediate surroundings, I agree with that whether the statement aforementioned is true depend on different age group of people. The attitudes of young children and elderly are determined more by their immediate surroundings, yet both the society and immediate environment make contribution to determining teenager’s attitude.

agree with that - believe that
depends on the age of the people
make contribution to - play a role in
你最后半句没有回答题目的比较 究竟哪个影响更多


To begin with, the attitudes of young children are influenced more by their immediate surroundings. To illustrate, young children don’t have any concept about the society, and they have to learn virtually all of behavior from their surroundings. For instance, young children will learn how to speak by imitating what their parents do, and will know whether what they do is right or wrong through their parent’s reaction to their behavior. Although many children might live in a society together, they might have numerous of traits during their learning behavior through immediate environment, which means the immediate surroundings make more contribution to determining their attitude.

don’t have any concept about表达 这么明显的汉译英啊  
整段对于attitude这个词的处理不充分  


Further, the attitudes of teenagers are influenced by both their immediate surroundings and the whole society. Most teenagers haven’t developed a full series of worldview, values and philosophy, and thus the immediate atmosphere they live in, which include the friends they have or the work they do, will still have influence on determining their attitudes. For instance, the reason why many Chinese teenagers take drugs is that they make friends with some bad people. However, teenagers also have more accesses to knowing the society, such as learning news through newspaper, which means that their attitudes will also be determined by the society, too. For instance, Lu Xun, a famous writer in China who used to be a doctor, decided to become a writer after learning the corruption of the government in previous China. Hence, the attitude of young people are determined by many factors, and it’s difficult to determine which factor plays a more significant role in developing it.

主题句没有正面回应题目的问题 哪个影响更多  
你想说对毒品的态度么  这里还是要具体讨论对什么的态度比较好  


Finally, as for old people, their attitudes are possibly determined more by their immediate environment. To illustrate, old people don’t have to do much work in their life, and they always have their constant view of the world and society, which is unlikely to be changed by the society. On the contrary, some events that happen in the immediate environment they live in might have large impact on their attitude. For example, a positive old man might become a pessimistic person due to the death of his couple while they don’t concern much about the events happen in the society.

possibly determined- probably
例子出现太晚
couple - spouse  
这道题没有合适的具体的例子 很难写好


To sum up, I agree with the statement that whether people’s attitude is determined more by immediate surroundings other than society depend on the age group that people in. For young children and elderly, their attitudes are determined more by their immediate surroundings. For teenagers, both immediate environment and society will make contribution to determining their attitudes.


I agree with the statement that  这个后面是你的观点 不是之前人提出的 所以不能用这个句型

使用道具 举报

锤先森G330
UID：3603995

Rank: 4

声望
134
寄托币
646
注册时间
2015-3-20
精华
0
帖子
151
44楼
发表于 2015-7-27 23:46:17 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 锤先森G330 于 2015-7-28 11:18 编辑

Issue 100
100) Colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.

Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

2015/7/27 23:03-23:33
My response:

Nowadays, the modern concept of the education puts greater emphasis on developing students’ sound characters than ever before. Therefore, some people hold the view that colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country. From my perspective, I think that whether this policy is effective depends on students in different major. For students who study foreign art or sociology, spending time studying aboard is a good choice for them. For students who study science and technology, students who have enough money to study aboard is also a good choice while it doesn’t matter if someone decides to study in their own nation.

therefore前后看不出来因果关系 你第一句的关键词是character 这个和study abroad有啥关系呢（连贯与衔接问题）
depends on students in different major- depends on the majors of the students and their financial background （也是连贯与衔接的问题；后面提到钱的问题，这里要保持一致）

For students who study foreign art or sociology- art history and social science （选词要考虑实际情况和概括性）
For students who study science and technology- study science and engineering  （选词）
For students who study science and technology, students who have enough money to study aboard is also a good choice while it doesn’t matter if someone decides to study in their own nation.整句话的结构有问题（句子结构）
it doesn't matter 选词  if someone decides to study in their own nation. 不懂你的意思



To begin with, it’s better for students who study foreign art or sociology to study aboard, which provides a precious chance for them to experience different kinds of foreign culture and thus becomes beneficial for their study. To illustrate, for an American student who study Chinese opera, having choice to study in China for at least one semester enables them to observe different kinds of opera in a short distance. And this real experience will help him or her study their major better, as watching the opera in theater will leave a more impressive memory in students’ minds. Similarly, a sociology-major student will have access to experiencing different kinds of society by studying aboard, too. Consequently, for students who study foreign art or sociology, studying aboard is beneficial for their study.

better- necessary  注意回应题目的required  
having choice to study in China- chance/ opportunity (选词）
in a short distance- first hand 选词
as watching the opera in theater will leave a more impressive memory in students’ minds. 这里的细节不是很convincing啊 这个好难写 要不你可以说一下可以接触到演员、观众做访谈 以及有很多资料可以收集  
experiencing different kinds of society by studying aboard 这个细节也太抽象了  前一个例子讲清楚就很好了  
注意题目是说required 仅仅是beneficial是不够的


Further, for students who study science and technology, spending at least one year studying aboard will have a positive influence on them as they might have access to know the edging development of their major. For instance, as one of the biggest developed countries, the United States becomes the leader in many industries, such as computer science. Therefore, if a Chinese student has access to studying in the U.S for at least one semester, he or she will get to know the edging development of his or her major, which is helpful for their future development. In addition, after studying aboard students will learn different study methods, which might become a powerful complement for their own study.

at least one semester啊  
have access to know 词性 搭配
industries - fields 选词
has access to studying 搭配  不会用的词就别瞎用 就算全篇都是GSL的词也好过用错啊  
know the edging development 这个说法已经出现两次 说明你没有深入展开的细节  没有干货啊  
其实你可以考虑一下学习涉及到什么  包括 faculty; prospective employer; research projects   美国这个领域 领先 所以那里的教授比较牛 还有雇主可以提供intern 或者交流的机会  


Finally, it doesn’t matter if students who study science and technology have trouble in studying aboard due to lacking of money or other factors. On the contrary, the advantages of studying in students’ own country sometimes outweigh the disadvantages. To illustrate, some students might have to spend a long time in adjusting new life if he or she goes to study aboard. In other words, they might not pay attention to studying for a long time after going aboard, which isn’t cost-effective. And students might suffer from heavier financial burden after choosing to study in another country, which might also become a distraction to prevent them from focusing on their study. Therefore, for students who don’t have enough money or aren’t good at adjusting to new life, studying in their own country is also a good choice.

doesn’t matter你知道matter是啥意思么  主题句不合适  要明确回应题目 possible consequences of implementing the policy
lacking- 词性
这段的中心是讲缺钱？To illustrate, some students might have to spend a long time in adjusting new life if he or she goes to study aboard. 这里又提到适应问题
既然前面是按照学科分类这里也应该按学科分类讨论比较合适  


To sum up, I think that for sociology-major or foreign art-major student, colleges and universities should require them to study aboard, which is beneficial for their own study. And for students who study science and technology, if they can adjust to the new study life quickly and don’t have to worry about financial problem, requiring them to study aboard at least one semester is also a good choice for them.  

使用道具 举报

夏夜之潘
UID：3640100

Rank: 2

声望
50
寄托币
14
注册时间
2015-7-23
精华
0
帖子
7
45楼
发表于 2015-7-28 11:14:25 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 夏夜之潘 于 2015-7-28 11:47 编辑
锤先森G330 发表于 2015-7-14 21:45
Argument 32
32)The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
Duri ...


那个，第一次给别人点评，不当的地方请见谅哈

首先，语言上，说“the fewer accidents they will cause”是有点奇怪的，工人在事故中是受害者，并不是他们有意制造事故的，用the fewer accidents they will be involved 之类的表达可能更人性化一些。work hour 可能语法上也对，但我总觉得应该是working hours。

另外，楼主觉得不好总结对吧，而且我觉得第一点和第三点有点重复的感觉，我想到的是这样的思路：

第二段：作者假设了除了work shifts 以外自己工厂的各种条件都和其他工厂一样是有问题的。然后列他因。。。

第三段：就算上一条假设成立，减少work shifts 也不一定提高睡眠时间。

第四段：工伤少了productivity也不一定提高。


嗯。。。求批改~
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... xtra=#pid1779720228

使用道具 举报

123456下一页
返回列表
RE: 锤先森G330__issue习作集合贴 [修改]
高级模式
B Color Image Link Quote Code Smilies
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 立即注册

问答
Offer
投票
面经
Q
【问答】申博士看背景吗？
A
一般来说不怎么卡（eth kth除外），博士阶段方向有点，背景越好肯定越有利。
Q
港理工的生物医学工程专业和生物技术，化学，食品安全专业（这两个专业的）面试好过吗，一般面试过了多久呀
A
竞争相对没有那么激烈，会更看重你专业方向的积累和回答，整体来说面试难度不会特别大哈，可以在寄托论坛和小程序搜搜有没有面经...
Q
23fall英国LLM选校定位可以帮忙看一下吗？谢谢！
A
整体方案没问题，爱宝其实挺友好的。我个人其实觉得KCL的法学比UCL会强一些，不过具体还是看你的选择了。保底可以加一个利...
Q
请问北欧申请是更看匹配度、绩点还是工作经验
A
根据我了解到的一些回答一下，仅供参考。北欧看重匹配度，有一些看重的可能会比gpa还重要。多去看看你目标校的offer，拿他们背景...
more
塔尔图大学
软件工程
MSc | 24Fall | AD无奖
法语鲁汶大学
经济学硕士
MPhil | 24Fall | Offer
Western University
Statistcs
MSc | 24Fall | AD小奖
阿尔托大学
geoinformatics
MSc | 24Fall | Offer
more
欧陆bme选校
工作or读博都可，但听说瑞典和芬兰近两年很难留，大概还是需要回国。 kth的track授课比较杂（想做信号/硬件方向），相对感觉很好毕业，qs高 aalto的课程设置很喜欢，感觉人均资源多，但是qs偏低
新国立NUS VS美国密歇根安娜堡 （生物硕）
nus： 新项目，隶属医学院，叫应用生物医学 一年制，学校会安排进实验室。跟本科专业比较对口 安娜堡： 癌症化学生物，隶属于生物系， 一年制，学校官网上讲成绩前几名可以直接转博士 我一定会读博，且希望在硕士期间能够有一些文章产出，所以就想问一下，这两个学校哪个读博士比较容易？就是升博士比较顺利，害怕硕士毕业需要做一年ra。 博士毕业后会直接回国，哪个学校会比较有知名度一点呢
普通经济学硕士跳板offer选择
本人gap一年，承蒙版面上的朋友帮助，让我了解到了很多关于非美地区的经济学研究导向硕士，我经过这一年挣扎，也陆续拿到了一些非美地区的经济学硕士。 1.??格拉斯哥大学经济学研究硕士，花费两年大概60w。 优点：qs综排高，回国有保证；项目内部去向有去英国华威大学读博。（但不清楚华威大学能不能媲美北美top 30） 缺点：项目内部很偏计量，大牛也主要是做计量。且size较大，RA资源不一定有保障。同时经济学专排不高，申欧陆和港新可能不行… 2.??荷语鲁汶大学经济学理学硕士，花费大概20w-30w。 优点：便宜，学费才几千欧。项目Econ专排特别好 缺点：项目只有一年，申博去向存疑，且大多数人需要进入MASE进行第二阶段的学习，留下来要16+？貌似非常困难？ 3.??奥斯陆大学经济学文学（哲学）硕士，花费大概30w-40w。 优点：北欧Econ名校，曾出过计量大牛；项目内部打听到RA资源丰富，国人去向不错（bi，nhh和留本校） 缺点：地广人稀，害怕致郁… 4.??巴黎一大QEM，花费大概30w。 优点：和uab，uc鲁汶有合作 缺点：国人去向不好，外申存疑 本人bg：普9本，均分85左右，方向是偏宏观理论和应用计量，目标是未来能去欧美读博（想知道欧洲哪些top econ学校可以和北美前30/前50相比）
斯图加特大学vsCTH
目标当地找工或者读博，麻烦大家帮我选择 斯图加特大学英授Infomation technology (可选CS+EE的课，4个track:通信个媒体，嵌入式，电脑硬件或者软件工程，智能测试方法和可靠性) CTH的information and communication technology (通讯专业，3个track:无线电，图像处理cv，认知和自动化网络） 也欢迎大家在评论区说说选择的理由或者推荐一下track，提前谢谢大家啦?
more
Florida Institute of Technology
插画
1自我介绍2.以后想做什么样的插画3.有没有观察性绘画4.反问
The University of Hong Kong
中国历史研究
1.自我介绍2.为什么报这个项目3.问了几个专业相关的问题4.反问
The University of Hong Kong
英语研究
1.自我介绍2.你对这个项目感兴趣吗？具体是对哪里感兴趣？3.对于跨文化交流你怎么看，你觉得最大的挑战是什...
The Hong Kong Polytechnic University
IME
1.自我介绍2.从哪里听说IME的，为什么选择polyu3.对project的提问4.未来希望用什么media进行再创造5.有什...
more
最新
精华
我在网上都飞艇输了6万还能回血吗？跪求大神教我飞艇技巧
【资讯】澳洲境内转学签变难
【资讯】英国大学24fall晚申捡漏专业（6）
36岁大龄，澳洲大学回国后上海执教4年，创业失败一年求重新出去
关于 港大是否能够PT转FT的疑问
求拉荷兰微信群
【资讯】英国大学24fall晚申捡漏专业（5）
为什么我去Ceibs（中欧）而放弃M7/LBS/INSEAD
25fall 计算机软件欧陆求定位
求助各位大神，2016年的DS160申请表还可以找回吗？！！
【征稿】第七届水与环境可持续发展国际会议（ICSDWE 2024）
【资讯】英国大学24Fall晚申捡漏专业（3）
加硕申请应该彻底失败了吧
请求管理员帮忙删帖
第二届先进传感与智能系统国际会议(ICASIS 2024)将
【资讯】香港岭南大学新增硕士专业
24fall欧洲名校硕士申请拒录情况汇总（Lund的门槛也不低）
瑞典硕士DIY申请攻略之名校介绍——CTH查尔姆斯理工学院
二签sds通过，大龄单身无业。
关于hku的两个跳板项目（theory/advanced research）
关于UChi MACRM的一些情况
加硕coop指北
毕业工签踩大雷 - unauthorized work before submitting PGWP - 附解决办法
GMAT这么有用吗？跟大家讨论讨论我发小的年薪三级跳
2023美国留学签证最新政策+详细流程
加拿大法学院JD申请，学习+找工作经验答疑帖
学签安全调查迷你百科
工作党（RA）记录一下药学PhD申请过程
如何在150小时内通过加州司法考试
【干货】港校MSc上岸PhD的经验分享
DIY经验分享之：纠正关于留学准备的错误认知，是成功上岸的前提
行李打包//希望有人能在我准备行李前告诉我的事情//更新
0
转发
转发该帖子
锤先森G330__issue习作集合贴
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1832289-1-1.html
复制链接
发送
报offer 祈福 爆照
回顶部