ARGUMENT143【DIES IN FLAMES 0910G长线突破组】TASK yyx017 [复制链接]

yyx017 UID：2595277 yyx017 当前离线最后登录 2016-12-20 在线时间 774 小时寄托币 6713 声望 236 注册时间 2009-1-26 阅读权限 5 帖子 704 精华 2 积分 4231 UID 2595277 禁止发言声望 236 寄托币 6713 注册时间 2009-1-26 精华 2 帖子 704 关注TA 加好友标签发消息	电梯直达楼主发表于 2009-3-21 00:06:49 \|只看该作者 \|倒序浏览提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽

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yyx017 UID：2595277 yyx017 当前离线最后登录 2016-12-20 在线时间 774 小时寄托币 6713 声望 236 注册时间 2009-1-26 阅读权限 5 帖子 704 精华 2 积分 4231 UID 2595277 禁止发言声望 236 寄托币 6713 注册时间 2009-1-26 精华 2 帖子 704 关注TA 加好友标签发消息	沙发发表于 2009-3-21 00:07:29 \|只看该作者提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽

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joyceww88
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板凳

发表于 2009-3-29 14:55:44 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 joyceww88 于 2009-3-29 15:00 编辑

Relying on the situation that more jobs have been created which two-thirds of them are well-payed and full-time ones and the fact that many people have already got rid of the unemployment, the reader expressed his or her own opinion that the people who lost their jobs had the capability of finding another appropriate one in a short time. However, there are several aspects that the arguer overlooked make the conclusion less convincing.（简要复述题目同时展现了自己理解的逻辑关系，句子通顺流畅）

First of all, since have not taken into consideration the quality of the new-creating jobs （杨鹏难句上的某种倒装，叹服一下呵呵）and the employment rate among the workers who lost their jobs, the author can not guarantee these workers have really caught the jobs. For example, encountering with the serious economic hardship, many enterprises may probably to offer some posts with low level of skill and experience. Thus, those downsized job seekers who are well educated will show little or even no interest to such jobs as shop assistance, food serving, security guard and cleaning and maintenance. In addition, the author failed to provide persuasive evidence that whether the rate of job-increase in proportion to that of population growth. During the depression, we could well see many foreign competitors settle in this country in order to seek good opportunities because the power of economy in the US is still stronger than any other place in the world. Under this case, although more jobs have been set than have been eliminated, the rapid growth of the population makes it more and more difficult for the local workers to find a satisfactory job during a short time. In short, lacking such evidence, the author cannot cogently refute the editor’s claim. （有举例，也展开了攻击点.只是那个移民的解释，就是红字那段，感觉有点怪怪的，也说不上来为什么。不知道算不算拓展的过了一点，仅仅是个人感觉吧，也可能是我思维不太对）

Secondly, the word ''many'' is hard to give the precise definition. Do these employees exactly enthusiasm for the jobs or just have no choice for the burden to support the family? Unfortunately, the arguer stated nothing about this, so it makes no sense to consider the new jobs are equal to the suitable ones. （我感觉enthusiasm或是for the burden不是问题的关键所在啊。就算是后面那种原因，也不能算不合适吧，毕竟我觉得suitable是针对能否解决“serious economic hardship”的。当然，每个人对suitable的理解不同，这里我只是表达一下自己的观点）Even if many of them who lost their jobs have got jobs they show passion to, what about the others, those who still struggle to their living?（那些没有找到让自己喜欢或者有激情的工作的人中，也包括找到了让自己不是很有激情或者热情工作的人，这些人不代表就生活有困难啊，觉得作者这里的逻辑有点不对或者这句话的意思我没理解对？直接说找到了工作收入不一定高，或者不一定能解决经济问题会不会好一点） Besides, there is no definite data about the average time of the employed in finding another job, maybe it cost them a long time to seek a good job. In this case, it is unwarranted for the author to draw any conclusion against the editor's expression.（这里指出editor的那一部分观点是不是更有针对性）（问题指出的很准确，提出的几点反驳意见：大的方面原因考虑的很周全，例如可能不合适啊，仍然贫困啊，找工作的时间也许很长啊。只是解释的细节方面个别地方我个人不太认同）

Last but not the least, as for the last sentence, the author made a groundless assumption that the two-third of the newly created jobs are all high-payed ones. In fact, the industries that tend to pay above-average wages does not indicate the new-creating jobs in them are well payed, perhaps these jobs require little skill such as cleaners who payed little no matter what the industries they work for. （这一点攻击我没看懂哎，就是从这段开始到这里，不知道说的什么意思···）Thus, some people are still suffer the pressure of the employment and the hardship of the life. Furthermore, even if the assumption is really exists, the arguer failed to give the situation of those who belong to the other one third and the consideration of the part-time jobs. If the other one third of the unemployed have not find jobs yet, or only held part-time jobs, which means do not have stable works, the author also cannot come to a verdict that against the editor's standpoint.(感觉题中每点都提到了，都进行了攻击，很全面)
针对这三段的攻击，我觉得还可以有一些东西可写，比如新增的工作或者那些高于平均工资水平的工作也不是专门针对失业者提供的；还有新提供的工作可能并不适合失业者，尽管他们也可能在自己领域有竞争力，但是工种年龄等等限制；甚至因为失业过，同等条件下，相比没失业的会不会比较没竞争力，比如家里呆久了与社会脱节，或者遭受点雇主歧视被认为是工作能力不强才失业的什么的（这一点貌似有点偏了···）。觉得作者找的点啊思维啊什么的都已经很全面了，不是所有的都要写进文章里，仅仅是提出些不同的方向希望能帮助作者在开拓的思路什么的···

On the whole, this argument is indefensible because of lacking some essential evidence to support it. What's more, author seems only focused on the “job” rather than the laid-off workers. In order to be cogent, the arguer should render some details about the quality of the newly created jobs, the rate of the employment, the average time spent on seeking jobs, and also the variety of the population during the time.（最后一段提出了一些改进意见，而且直指出焦点的错误，我感觉这点很有创意写的很好）

总体感觉作者这篇文写的很好的，红字比较多是因为我说话有点啰嗦····而且作者的语言功底还是很强的，句子通顺流畅，多种句型和词汇也运用的很熟练自然。至于我个人觉得的不足都用红笔标了，个人意见呵呵。至于绿色的，是觉得用得好的词组什么的，只标了几处是我无意中看到的就标了，后面注意力不在那上面就没标，不代表好后面就没有好词组或者词组少啊，呵呵

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seiranzcc1
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地板

发表于 2009-3-30 19:27:15 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 seiranzcc1 于 2009-3-30 19:45 编辑

Relying on the situation that more jobs have been created which two-thirds of them are well-payed and full-time ones and the fact that many people have already got rid of the unemployment, the reader expressed his or her own opinion that the people who lost their jobs had the capability of finding another appropriate one in a short time.（很好的长句啊） However, there are several aspects that the arguer overlooked make the conclusion less convincing.

First of all, since have not （这个。。可以这样写的？我语法不那么硬。。。不确定。。。请指教一下）taken into consideration the quality of the new-creating jobs and the employment rate among the workers who lost their jobs, the author can not guarantee these workers have really caught the jobs. For example, encountering with the serious economic hardship, many enterprises may probably to（to 去掉） offer some posts with low level of skill and experience. Thus, those downsized job seekers who are well educated will show little or even no interest to such jobs as shop assistance, food serving, security guard and cleaning and maintenance. （这一句的逻辑不太明白，thus之前在说公司的孤虑，咋后面就推出“失业者对工作的不满意”？感觉少点儿环节）In addition, the author failed to provide persuasive evidence that whether the rate of job-increase in proportion to that of population growth. During the depression, we could well see many foreign competitors settle in this country in order to seek good opportunities because the power of economy in the US is still stronger than any other place in the world. Under this case, although more jobs have been set than have been eliminated, the rapid growth of the population makes it more and more difficult for the local workers to find a satisfactory job during a short time. In short, lacking such evidence, the author cannot cogently refute the editor’s claim.

Secondly, the word ''many'' is hard to give the precise definition. （这个主题句的总括不是很完整，和后面的几个点不太连贯）Do these employees exactly enthusiasm for the jobs or just have no choice for the burden to support the family? Unfortunately, the arguer stated nothing about this, so it makes no sense to consider the new jobs are equal to the suitable ones. Even if many of them who lost their jobs have got jobs they show passion to, what about the others, those who still struggle to their living? Besides, there is no definite data about the average time of the employed in finding another job, maybe it cost them a long time to seek a good job. In this case, it is unwarranted for the author to draw any conclusion against the editor's expression.
其实想过时间问题，但是想不通有什么太好说的地方，yyx指教下吧

Last but not the least, as for the last sentence, the author made a groundless assumption that the two-third of the newly created jobs are all high-payed ones. In fact, the industries that tend to pay above-average wages does not indicate the new-creating jobs in them are well payed, perhaps these jobs require little skill such as cleaners who payed little no matter what the industries they work for. Thus, some people are still suffer the pressure of the employment(un-?) and the hardship of the life. Furthermore, even if the assumption is （exist动词）really exists, the arguer failed to give the situation of those who belong to the other one third and the consideration of the part-time jobs. If the other one third of the unemployed have not find jobs yet, or only held part-time jobs, which means do not have stable works, the author also cannot come to a verdict that against the editor's standpoint.

On the whole, this argument is indefensible because of lacking some essential evidence to support it. What's more, author seems only focused on the “job” rather than the laid-off workers. In order to be cogent, the arguer should render some details about the quality of the newly created jobs, the rate of the employment, the average time spent on seeking jobs, and also the variety of the population during the time.
总结加提出建议，我觉得很好

作者写的很好啊，攻击点全面而且有条理，只是有些地方写的不太连贯。。。
学习了~

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