【求助】GRE作文只有3分，与预期相差太大，现附上平时习作一篇，求指导

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The vise president for human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company’s president.
“In an effort to improve our employee’s productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees’ internet use from their workstations.
Employees who use the internet inappropriately from their workstations need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games. Installing software on company computers to detect employees’ internet use is the best way to prevent employees from wasting time on the job, it will foster a better work ethic at Climpson and improve our overall profits.”

Write a response in which you discuss what specifc evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.


The recommender states that in order to improve the employees’ productivity Climpson Industries should equip electronic monitoring to detect their behavior on the internet, by which means the staff’s recreational time can be significantly reduced and the working efficiency will rise largely. Reasonable as it may seem, the practicality of this suggestion remains uncertain. For the writer considers the problem only in rough terms and has left out many important results it may induce.
  To begin with, the author has not considered this act on behalf of those workers, whose privacies may get easily infringed after implementing such devices which in turn will diminish the workers’ enthusiasm in working. It seems inevitable for people to use computers for some necessary personal purposes such as checking emails and so on. If even such basic privileges are deprived from them, those employees will certainly get them discomfort while working which makes them dilatory in the end. Even if the supervisors promise not to peek on others’ privacy, such acts also create an unharmonious atmosphere of being skeptical between colleagues. Lacking necessary trust inside a company will surely harm the culture of the company, which plays an indispensible role to determine a company’s destine in the future. Based upon the above analysis we find out that the recommender only partially considered the effects of the acts and has not realized the side effect of it.
  What’s more, the cost in forestalling such cutting-edged electronics may also be expensive. Thus the cost of the company may rise largely for purchasing such devices. Whether such efforts are well worth the money is a real question. Supposing employee’s has really saved their time in unnecessary use and has increased their productivity during work, it is highly possible that actual revenue gained from such improvements is not enough to cover the extra expense on implementing such devices. In this term, equipping such monitoring doesn’t really improve the company’s profits and the suggestion may not stand up anymore.
  Allowing for the specific services the company offers as well as different responsibilities distinct departments take, there exists one more question that needs to be closely examined. It is commonly known that some work has to be done via internet such as building relationships with various clients around the world. In this sense, chatting on the Internet to discuss business is necessary. While monitors may blame a worker for chatting on the net and shirk his duty, it is hard to examine what real purposes he has in chatting. If the company prohibits all people to chat on the net, their relevant businesses will also decrease as a lack of communicating with their clients.
  Indeed, the author has made this suggestion for the benefit of his company. But by destroying the interpersonal trust inside the company and rising expenses without relevant outcomes, as well as impeding some necessary work, the writer’s suggestion may create many potential harmful effects which he has not realized. Obviously, there are better solutions to the problem. Maybe after observing daily performing of the whole company more closely, some more mature suggestions can be come up with.



这是我平时练习的ARGU作文，我觉得考场发挥的也不错，不知道为什么最终作文分数这么惨，请各位指点，多谢！