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改好了^-^
amy的提纲列的真不错!想的很全面,也很具体!amy的作文真写出感觉了,羡慕啊!时间也短。不像我,每篇文章还得磨上N长时间,效率没你高,写的还不好。**********************************************************
正文
I partly agree with the author's statement, that is, it is true (that) some nonmainstream areas of inquiry, such as astrology, fortune-telling, and psychic and paranormal pursuits(,加个逗号,我一般都加,举例的是个插入语) can satisfy people's needs to some extent, but at(as) a whole, its disadvantage is far more than its advantage, whether to individuals or to society. In the following, I will discuss its two facets separately.(最后一句话简洁明了,引出下文,我喜欢!)
In the one hand, such nonmainstream areas of inquiry do have some benefit(s) to satisfy human needs, comfort human's heart or give people some spiritual bailment, which maybe cannot do by mainstream science. Such phenomena can be found in many places. (这个修饰语是不是隔的被修饰语稍微远了那么一点点?把他们放到一起你看好不好?In the one hand, non-mainstream areas of inquiry do have some benefits which maybe cannot do by mainstream science, such as comfort human's heart or give people some spiritual bailment) For example, when someone suffers many frustrations in a period and feels very sad, he will go to augur. But(这里没有转折关系,去掉but) as we all know, the result of augury is always amphibolous and deliberately mystifying(blurry), which can be comprehended differently(by different people加上我觉得解释的更清楚,你认为呢?),(你下一句开头字母大写吧,已经是另外一个句子了,嘻嘻··) so when he finds some good dictions(好词!), he will full of hope again and wish the better future. Take astrology as another example. It is often popular among young people. When someone is crossed in love, after he finds his and his lover's constellations are not match, he will tell himself that the failure is predeterminate and then feels much better. Similarly, psychic and paranormal pursuits, which seem different from astrology and fortune-telling, also can play the same role in satisfying human needs.(amy读同主题阅读很认真啊!) For instance, when one is immersed in great grief of relative's death, if he comforts himself that there are "preexistence" and "future life", and he will meet his relative again at another world sooner or later, he will not be so grieved any more.
In the other hand, although nonmainstream areas of inquiry have such advantage, we cannot overlook its great disadvantage taken to individuals and society. In fact, these nonmainstream areas are baseless and have no proof. For individuals, if they are indulged in such things, they will loss the interests to explore truths;(真心实意的觉得这句写的好!我当时也想写这么一句的,可就是表达不出来) in some extreme case, their activities even can hurt others. For the whole society, if such fetishes are utilized by some politicians or some people that(去掉that) have ulterior motives(我认为ambition更好), it will cause instability of the society, or even result in drastic political battle, and actually the most people is inculpable.(最后半句改成单独一句吧,这样语气更强烈。这句话写的好!我也是想表达这么个意思,表达不出来,你说气不气人?) For example, several years before, there was an illegal organization in China, which blazoned forth that after cultivating its doctrine, it could cure any disease and (anyone)need not go to hospital. Lots of people trusted the fallacy infatuatedly and performed many craze activities; moreover, many people lost their lives because of the doctrine and the stabilization of whole society was also influenced dramatically.
To sum up, as a saying said that every thing has two sides, so we cannot conclude nonmainstream areas is important to society just depending on its limited merit and neglect its great defect. In fact, these areas should not be emphasized, and on the contrary, we should sparkplug to away these things step by step and encourage people to explore truths and face realities.(结尾不错)
写的挺好!整体把握到位,思路清晰!
我只是进行了一些细枝末节小的修改。
amy,加油,你的进步是与你的努力分不开的。
向你学习
[ 本帖最后由 gaojiehaha 于 2006-1-10 22:29 编辑 ] |
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