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根据3L童鞋的建议,我重写了一版 又给他改了一次,然后他又提出很独到的见解,主要是怎么针对EVIDENCE写,我打算再改一次,这里把我重写的和他的批改贴来给大家参考。。。。。
17:48-- 19:38 (写作+修改) 110mins 539 words
In this argument, the manager recommends the client to invest in Consolidated industries by pointing out that the demand for home heating oil is sure to increase in that area. However, the manager fails to offer sufficient evidence to support his argument, which I will discuss as follow.
First of all, in order to justify that the demand for home heating oil will increase, the manager implies that the winter in this region will be colder than before. A close scrutiny of the implication, however, reveals many flaws overlooked by the manager. The mere fact that the pattern where there are 20 days with below-average temperature will continue doesn’t necessarily mean that the weather will be colder than before. Perhaps there were even more days with below-average temperature in the previous years. Or perhaps the number of days with below-average temperature remains unchanged while the average temperature has risen to some extent that the winter was actually warmer than before. Even if winter in last year was indeed colder than before, the weather forecast’s prediction that weather pattern will continue for several years can barely be accurate and convincing, since several years is too long a period for weather forecast to be accurate. Therefore, the manager fails to demonstrate that winter in this region will be colder in the following years.
What’s more, even if the coldness in winter in this area will be severer in the following years, warrants are lacked to claim an increasing demand for home heating oil. Although the manager tells a story of newly-built homes here indicating that there will be more people and thus more demand, which seems reasonable, the manager fails to provide evidence to validate that the influx of newcomers will actually result in an increasing population in winter in the right place . Perhaps many newcomers prefer to spend their winter holidays out of town, which means the number of people here in winter will change little. Even if population does increase here in winter, chances are that they would prefer a more effective heating resource such as natural gas instead of oil. Furthermore, it’s possible that newly-built homes won’t suffer the same chillness to the original ones, because new houses may apply more effective thermal insulation materials, which enables homes to withstand severe coldness. All the above mentioned possibilities expose a dearth of evidence to expect an increasing demand for home heating oil in this region.
Last but not least, no evidence shows that the investment in consolidated industries will have an appreciable return. Even if the demand of home heating oil is increasing, an investment in consolidated industries may end in loss. Because evidence including a research of the future sales market and an analysis of cost-effect is absent to judge whether the investment will gain profit . On the other hand, the manager fails to provide evidence of attractive benefits from investing in Consolidated Industry such as higher return or much more stable profit than investing in other companies to convince the client to invest right in consolidated industries instead of others.
In sum, in the manager’s seemingly logical argument, evidence is particularly scant in every single step of his reasoning, which is hardly helpful to strengthen the argument to persuade the client to invest in consolidated industries in this region.
这里提几点语言上的建议:
(1)不要滥用长句,除非你真的很有把握。也不要害怕短句子会让ETS觉得你幼稚,其实短句子读起来是很舒服的,阅卷人都想舒服,不想难受。
(2)注意断句,哪怕是长句。不要生硬地用连词把两个分句连起来,可以考虑用which means, which implies代替。或者直接分两句:Perhaps….. In this case/if this is the case, …..(也许是怎么怎么样的。如果是这样,那么…..)
(3)你的句子比较冗长。注意活用指代名词(those, that, such),会让你省掉很多废话。好文章是简洁明快,而不是又臭又长的。
总而言之,不要害怕把句子写短。最重要的是,要写清楚。
还有,最重要的一点,恐怕你没有搞清楚evidence类的题目应该怎么写:
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
首先,你要说明需要什么具体证据。所谓具体,可能会类似这样:
(1)我需要一个关于XXX的调查
(2)论者应该告诉我XXX方面的数据
(3)我需要知道XXX的具体原因
其次,注意“how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument”,这是重头戏。就是说,你必须要说明这些证据是怎么加强或者削弱原论断的。比如说:
假如调查显示XXX,那么论者的XXX结论就站不住脚。反之,如果结果是XXX,那么论者的XXX说法就有可能是对的。
Evidence的写法,详见这篇OG上Dr. Karp:
It might seem logical, at first glance, to agree with the argument in Dr. Karp’s article
that children in Tertia actually are raised by their biological parents (and perhaps even,
by implication, that an observation-centered approach to anthropological study is
not as valid as an interview-centered one). However, in order to fully evaluate this
argument, we need to have a significant amount of additional evidence. The argument
could end up being much weaker than it seems, or it might actually be quite valid. In
order to make that determination, we need to know more than analyze what we learn.
The first piece of evidence that we would need in order to evaluate Dr. Karp’s claims
is information about whether or not Tertia and the surrounding island group have
changed significantly in the past 20 years. Dr. Field conducted his observational study
20 years ago, and it is possible that Tertia has changed significantly since then. For
example, if we had evidence that in the intervening years Westerners had settled on
the island and they introduced a more typical Western-style family structure, it would
certainly weaken Dr. Karp’s argument. In that case, the original study could have been
accurate, and Dr. Karp’s study could be correct, as well, though his conclusion that Dr.
Field’s method is ineffective would be seriously weakened.
Another piece of evidence that might help us evaluate this claim involves the exact
locations where Dr. Karp’s interviews took place. According to this article, Dr. Karp and
his graduate students conducted interviews of “children living in the group of islands
that includes Tertia.” If we were to learn that they never interviewed a single Tertian
child, it would significantly weaken the conclusion. It could turn out to be the case, for
example, that children on Tertia are raised communally, whereas children on other
islands nearby are raised by their biological parents.
In order to fully evaluate this article, we would also need to learn more about the
interview questions that Dr. Karp’s team used. What exactly did they ask? We don’t
know, nor do we know what the children’s responses actually were. What did they say
about their biological parents? The mere fact that they speak more frequently about
their biological parents than they do about other adults does not mean that they are
raised by their biological parents. It would significantly undermine Dr. Karp’s argument
if it turned out that the children said things like how much they missed their parents or
how their parents had left them in a communal environment. Without knowing WHAT
the children said, it is hard to accept Dr. Karp’s conclusion.
It is slightly more difficult to discuss the evidence we might need in order to
evaluate the more interesting claims in Dr. Karp’s article, namely his extension of the
results of his study to a conclusion that interview-centered methods are inherently
more valid than observational-centered approaches. In order to fully evaluate this
claim, in fact, we would need to look at many more examples of interview-based and
observation-based anthropological studies and we would also need to look into
different study designs. Perhaps Dr. Field did not conduct an effective observational
study, but other observational approaches could be effective. In order to make such
grandiose claims, Dr. Karp really needs a lot of additional evidence (ideally a meta -
analysis of hundreds of anthropological studies).
Clearly, then, we need to have additional evidence in order to get a more complete
understanding of the strengths and weaknesses of Dr. Karp’s article. We need to know
about Tertia and the surrounding islands, whether or not they have changed over the
past 20 years. We also need to know about study design (Dr. Karp’s and Dr. Field’s).
And we really need a lot more information if we want to extend the results of a study
about one island culture to all anthropological fieldwork.
我想你应该能稍微体会出,evidence到底应该怎么写。而且,你看OG的范文,真的没有什么长难句,也没有什么特别花哨的词。就是很朴素,读起来很舒服,很流畅。 |
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