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Morden [modern] people usually must [→must usually] work hard, and pay much energy to [通常是用put energy into.这里最好能重新写] achieve success. As such, people usually believe that successful people may feel satisfied about their success, and have no more time or energy to take new things or take risks. However, I can hardly agree with them because the opinion they hold is just so subjective. And [and是连词,不要在句子开头用] I strongly believe that successful people will prefer taking new things. There are numerous reasons why I think about this, and I will explain a few of the nost[most] important ones.
First and foremost, successful people are usually more confidence [confident] and have the capitance [capitance? 我没有查到这个单词是什么意思.我想可能是你打错了吧.不过不熟悉的单词尽量还是不要用, 类似的情况出现在考场作文里还是挺尴尬的.] to try new things and take risks. Actually, I think most successful people are risk-takers. They are more creativity [→creative], and eager to try new things to make themselves more success [successful]. Frankly speaking, even they fail to get the goal that they proposed to achieve, it would not let them loss [→lose. loss是名词] much than people [^who] do not have the capital to invest.[这句你在做比较,也用了than,但是没有出现比较级.最好能重新写.] I can quote a common example. There is a cafe just near my house, offering good coffees and refreshments. It has [^a] good business there, but the boss still try [tries] to produce more kinds of foods such as juices [such as后面一般会至少列举两种东西,所以你看这里是不是要再补充一样新产品?]. This [→, which 可以适当的用些从句] is really a good idea, and make [→makes] him more success [→successful](其实这里可以说brings him more customers,侧面反应了他/她的生意成功). However, if the new products aren't popular by students, they will cost lot [最后这句话在某中程度上削弱了你的论据,最好删掉].
In the second place, New [new] things means [→mean] lots of opportunities, and successful people know well about it. So they may try new things again and again to achieve the goal and make themselves more success [→successful]. Things change, so we must keep learning to make ourselves adapt to the socialty's [→society’s]change [这句语病比较严重.可以考虑用keep pace with重写]. And it also means you have more chance [→chances] to do things quicker or [→and] better than others.
What is more, if successful people do not take new things, they may loss [lose] a lot of chances, and may not success [→succeed .success是名词.]with in [→within] a short period.
From what has been discussed above, we may finally draw the conclusion that successful people prefer taking risks to doing[do] things without changes [最后这句结尾是不是有点矛盾? 尝试new things怎么会没有改变呢?].
首先,lz勇气可嘉.敢把自己的作文拿出来让别人看,就已经在作文提高的路上前进一大步了[我自己是不喜欢主动把作文拿给别人看的-__-b].结构不错.开头点明观点,依次下来三个分段围绕主题讨论,最后收尾.思路还是很清晰的.观点的内容也都不错,语言结构虽然有些简单,但基本上理解起来不会有障碍,总的来说还是比较流畅的.不过,不知道你是否注意到,你的文章排版看上去就给人头重脚轻的感觉.而实际上,文章的确也有些虎头蛇尾.结尾最好能再长一些.
其次, 说理太多,例子不够.如果在考场发现时间来不及了,就算砍掉一个理由,最好也不要像你现在这篇文章一样,后面两个都只是泛泛一说.
最后,语法问题比较严重.有些是小问题,是不细心造成的,比如主谓一致.最好能在写作完毕之后留点时间检查语法和typo.另外,在你的文章中多次出现了应该用形容词的地方用成了名词.该用动词的地方用成了名词.而且这些词其实都还挺常见的.这种低级错误在考试里是致命的(会给人感觉你的语法非常糟糕).希望你在接下来的准备当中能注意避免.如果都是因为粗心造成的,以后要注意了.如果是本身语法基础不好,最好能在考前看看语法.版内精华区是能找得到的.
不晓得你5月哪天考,至少应该还有两周时间.仍然有很大的上升空间,希望能坚持练习,而且写一篇是一篇, 不要贪图量.就拿这一篇来说,最好能再多花些时间重新写一遍. 然后等文章成型以后,今后就按照自己固定的写作模式练习,这样在考场上也能节省很多时间.
good luck~~
[ 本帖最后由 lintelle 于 2008-4-20 05:11 编辑 ] |
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